When you’ve shared a special connection with someone, it’s hard to let it go.
Especially when you know there’s still a lot of potential if he would just open his heart again.
You could build a beautiful life together.
If that’s something you want, then it’s only natural you would try to convince him that he should give the relationship another shot. After all, convincing him feels like the right thing to do.
Why would you not try to reason with him? Why wouldn’t you try to show him he’s making a mistake by pulling away?
Yet this is one of those times in life when our instincts lead us awry. Because convincing your ex never works. Fortunately, I know something that does.
Triggering feelings.
Here’s the thing, triggering feelings will always trump logical argument.
Why? Because emotions run the show. We humans are not as rational as we’d like to believe. That’s true of all forms of decision-making, but especially when it comes to matters of the heart.
(By the way, If you’d like laser-targeted advice about getting your ex to talk to you again, check out my Relationship Rewrite Method here).
Emotion. It’s your best shot at winning him back.
I care about all my clients. But I have to be honest, sometimes a client’s story tugs at my heart and it gets personal for me. That was the case with Leah, a mother of five, the oldest of whom was born when she and the father were both seventeen, just high school sweethearts.
I’ll admit there was a judgmental part of me that thought Leah and Joel had been incredibly irresponsible to start having children while they were still children themselves. But I soon forgot all about that as I learned of the beautiful family they had created together. These two clearly belonged together.
And it was difficult to watch this beautiful family be torn apart by a short series of missteps and what I’ll call “almost-infidelity.” First by one, and then (in reaction) by the other.
Leah sought out my professional services first. Joel had moved out three months earlier. I could tell we had our work cut out for us.
Joel joined us a few sessions later. He was complacent with me and defiant with Leah. He had his mind made up. The hurt was just too great. But he claimed it was because Leah was “crazy.”
Leah, on the other hand, was not ready to let go of what they shared. She was going to fight for their love.
She had fire in her eyes every time she spoke directly to Joel in our sessions, demanding that he stop living the life of a bachelor, pursuing other women while her life began to look more and more like that of a single mother, just struggling to get by.
And this is where things get complicated for me. It was hard for me to maintain professional objectivity. You see, I wanted to convince Joel as well. I wanted to jump in with Leah and fight for this little family to survive.
Fortunately, I knew better.
So I privately began to teach Leah the techniques I’m going to share with you today. Let me show you the difference between convincing your ex versus triggering the right kind of feelings.
The easiest way for me to illustrate the difference between convincing your ex and triggering feelings is to offer you a simple list of do’s and don’ts. So let’s get right to it.
Don’t Do This:
- Don’t argue that he owes you an explanation since you know he still has feelings for you.
- Don’t tell him the relationship was going just fine and then try to get him to own his share of the blame for why things began to fall apart.
- Don’t imply he owes you something after all you’ve been through together.
- Don’t tell him real relationships take work and he needs to grow up.
- Don’t try to prove you shared something special by forcing him to acknowledge specific examples from your past.
All that telling, convincing, and arguing will get you nowhere. In fact, it will simply reinforce the painful emotions that are driving him away from you in the first place.
Why? Because his brain will automatically come up with counter arguments.
For example, if you tell him things were great in the past, he will immediately test the truth of that assertion by scanning his memories for contradictory evidence. He’ll think of the fights, the frustrations, and other low points.
He’ll mention those problems. And this will reinforce your efforts to convince. You’ll end up showing him your worst side. Angry. Desperate. And if that goes on too long, you’ll become bitter, resentful, and maybe even sarcastic.
You know it’s true. This is how we all react when something matters to us deeply but the other person refuses to be convinced. This is not what I want for you to show him. Don’t try to convince.
Instead, let his emotions do the work for you.
Do this:
I’ll explain each of these briefly after listing the techniques.
- Build a private line of communication.
- Use private flirting but not broadcast flirting.
- Be vulnerable about struggles interfering with your goals.
- Throw rocks at his enemies.
- Make time your servant.
Build a Private Line of Communication
Here your goal is simple. Completely eliminate any communication via channels where others can observe his responses to you. Then ensure you have at least one private method for communicating with him directly. Text messaging is the most common method for achieving this.
Why not communicate on social media channels like Facebook? Because privacy releases him from the human compulsion to remain consistent. We don’t like to appear inconsistent. Psychologists call this “the consistency bias.” Once we have publicly committed to something (like a breakup) we feel foolish showing any sign that we are wavering or may have even made the wrong decision.
So your job is to completely remove that threat by eliminating any communication in public settings.
Don’t talk to him in front of the kids. Don’t talk to him in front of your friends or his friends. Don’t ask him to meet you in a public place for coffee and a chat.
He won’t even notice you’re not communicating with him publicly. Without realizing why, he’ll feel more open to exploring where things could go with you.
Just send him a pleasant message once every four or five days. Something you knew he would find interesting, funny, or exciting. Nothing about your relationship. No convincing.
Only send the kinds of messages that gradually condition him to expect that pleasurable little rush of dopamine you get when you open your favorite email newsletter or text messages from a friend who is good at making you laugh.
Don’t demand any kind of response. Just keep the doors of communication open.
Use Private Flirting but Not Broadcast Flirting
I wrote an entire article on this one powerful concept. I encourage you to read it in its entirety here.
For now, I’ll just share this simple explanation.
Broadcast flirting is on display for everyone to see.
When a woman uses broadcast flirting, everyone around can see what she’s up to.
For example, it’s broadcast flirting when Debbie laughs at all Daniel’s jokes at the office party and purposefully compliments him in front of others. Exclusive flirting is different.
Think of it like an exclusive club. There are only two people in the club, and the two people share something exclusive.
This is another reason your private line of communication is a must. You need an avenue to bring up insiders-only stuff like an inside joke or a reference to a funny moment only the two of you would remember.
Any message like that evokes the right kinds of emotion. It evokes the emotions that naturally arise from feeling part of something special. No convincing is needed.
Be Vulnerable about Struggles and Goals
Once your private line of communication is up and running, it’s time to step things up a notch.
Many brilliant people have talked about the power of vulnerability, including Brené Brown who has recently popularized the concept while helping us all to understand its true power. But I have a more specific purpose in mind for you.
If you are honest about goals you care about, and the struggles that block your way, it naturally triggers his hero instinct. It increases the chances that he’ll want to come to your rescue in big or small ways.
And for men, being someone’s hero is romantic in ways that are hard for women to understand. It tugs at an ancient instinct all of us men share.
Throw Rocks at His Enemies
It sounds cruel, but I mean it metaphorically. We all want someone to have our back. We all crave validation more than we are willing to admit.
And guess what? Your private line of communication is the perfect opportunity for him to complain about anyone or anything that’s getting in his way.
When it comes to your ex, this is an ideal opportunity to put “the respect principle” to work.
The respect principle is the main topic of the downloadable relationship course that first made me famous as a relationship coach. Thousands of women have taken my course and used the respect principle to bring out the best in their man.
Simply put, men confuse the emotional sensations they get from love and respect. And if forced to choose, they would rather feel respected than loved.
So when the frustrated text arrives, recognize it as the golden opportunity it is. Because we will do anything for someone who validates our frustration and takes our side when we are feeling insecure.
Give him the impression that you hold him in high esteem relative to other men. He’ll love you for it even if he’s not ready to admit it.
Make Time Your Servant
Waiting is hard. Especially when you fear his heart may be taken by another woman at any minute.
But feeling pressured to fix things fast is one of the worst culprits when it comes to my clients pushing men into a corner and inadvertently triggering his instinct to fight or flee.
Don’t let time pressure be a master. Instead, make time your servant. Make it work for you.
The key to accomplishing that is to recognize that time is on your side. He’s already pulled away from you. That’s done. Now you need time on your side because it works day and night to gradually break down the emotional walls he has built up against the idea of getting back together with you.
Give a man and a woman enough time together, and something’s bound to spark romantic feelings eventually. Give it enough time, and your private line of communication will eventually present you with an opportunity to see each other again face-to-face.
When that opportunity arises to spend time in person, here’s what you’re going to do. Make long, deep eye contact. Less talking, more silence.
Silence carries great power between lovers. It speaks louder than words and often evokes emotion in ways that bypass the barriers of words.
Plus, sustaining eye contact while thinking loving thoughts toward him will cause your pupils to dilate. Humans subconsciously notice this small change and it triggers reciprocal feelings of attraction.
So use periods of long, sustained eye contact. Make him wonder what you are thinking. Let his imagination do the work.
While you’re at it, it helps to wear something new and different. It helps to differentiate the woman from his past and the woman standing in front of him now. If you have the opportunity, show up in something he’s never seen you wear before.
I understand your situation is unique. Some of my suggestions may not apply. Despite that, I hope you will find opportunities to use this understanding of the difference between convincing and evoking the right feelings in the man you love.
To your happy future,
James
Hi James,
I’ve been divorced for 23 years. I never remarried. My ex did. The first time few years after we divorced, he had one child with her, and she passed a couple years ago from cancer. I just recently heard that he remarried again. He is friends with my sister on Facebook. He has me blocked from everything. We divorced because he was unfaithful with a woman he worked with and got her pregnant. He talked her into having an abortion and it was done on his birthday. He told me about it because he had decided he wanted me back and knew that she would tell me about it because she was crazy. They called her Sybil at work.
He was always very close to my dad and mom, but hasn’t had any contact with them since the divorce. My mom is now on hospice and I live with my dad, he has macular degeneration and cannot drive. He was a crop farmer, which my ex also worked for a farmer when we first met. I’ve been thinking a lot about him lately, I went through with the divorce only because of the pregnancy and the abortion (what was I going to think about every year on his birthday)? We had, had our problems before that, I had cheated on him, only after I told him I wasn’t happy and we needed to see a marriage counselor. He told me I was crazy and everything was just fine. It took me 6 months to do it, but I did do it. Not proud about it. In the end it lasted 6 months and I chose him. 6 years later I thought we were in the best place ever, we had just built a new house, and he did this. I loved him more at this time than ever! He blamed it on me and what I had done 6 years earlier. I had told him that he wasn’t going to blame it on me after all that time. Anyway now I really want to see him and talk to him. I want him to see my parents (his have both passed), and help them out if he wants to. I want to see if he still wants me like I do him? I know we are both different people now and I want to see if I would even like him now.
What do you think? Should I ask my sister to message him and ask him to please meet with him, that I really need his help? Thank you so very much, I really need some guidance!!
Hi, Joy.
It’s clear that the history you share with your ex-husband is complex, with intense emotions reflecting a bond that was once deeply meaningful to you. Your desire to reconnect, especially during this vulnerable time in your life, is understandable.
Given the pain associated with your past, it’s important to consider what you truly seek from this reconnection. Is it closure, support, or a rekindling of the relationship? Each comes with its own set of expectations and potential outcomes. Remember that people change over time, and the person he was—or you were—may not be who you are now.
Before reaching out, reflect deeply on what you hope to achieve and whether his presence would bring comfort or reopen old wounds. It’s crucial to prioritize your emotional well-being and the well-being of your parents in their current state.
If after careful consideration, you feel that reaching out is something you must do for your own peace of mind, there’s no harm in asking your sister to extend a message. However, approach this with the understanding that he is not single, and starting up a relationship with you while still married to someone else would reveal that he hasn’t changed his old ways… and would therefore likely do the same to you if you ended up back together again. Prepare yourself for any response, or lack thereof, and ensure that you have a support system in place.
In life, sometimes we seek healing from the same source that once caused us pain. It’s not always possible to find closure in the way we hope, and often, we must create it within ourselves… by growing into new relationships and new goals.
Consider that he is a married man, and not currently seeking a relationship. In contrast, there are good single men out there hoping to meet you. And statistically speaking, it seems likely that most of them would treat you better than your ex (based on the history you have shared with us here). Wishing you love and happiness as you share your life story with the right person for you.
James
And I was reading your mail when my friend contacted me by text telling me that he had been not feeling well and that’s the reason why he hadn’t contacted me. So you stopped me from doing all the the don’ts because I was ready to tell him about some things but now you put it all in perspective for me what not to do. I appreciate that.
Gosh all of this sounds exactly what Josh and I have been experiencing.
We’ve been together 16 years and something shifted in him two months ago. Lots has happened that led to this but I don’t really know how to proceed.
Three years ago, I followed him to California from Texas after he got a job here. I’d gained a lot of weight and was feeling really self conscious about my body so I pushed him away physically and emotionally. Then Covid hit, and he lost his job.
I am a successful CEO and consultant and so I expanded my business and made an incredible amount of money during the next year—well over $400k. He helped me with my business but he hated doing the work. Finally he got a job in January but it’s only half of what he used to bring in.
I started working out hard in November and changed my eating habits. I lost 60 pounds since then (in 5 months) and look and feel like a different person. I started coming on to him physically but he flat out rejected me which shocked me and it hurt. He told me he was no longer attracted to me. I didn’t understand because I look and feel better than I’ve felt in years at sixty pounds lighter. I wanted him to share my new body and transformation with me.
I’ve always been an incredibly strong woman and rarely ask for help with anything. The rejection caused me to act like a needy woman, begging for attention. He went even more inward and got more distant. I became even more persistent that he give me physical and emotional attention which backfired immediately.
He left for two weeks on vacation with a friend and didn’t even bother to check in with me to see how I was. This hurt as he’d never acted this way. When I did send him a message to check on him, he was rude and hurtful in response saying he went away yo avoid the stress. I said a ton of cruel things in response and blamed him for destroying our family and causing me so much hurt. I can’t take any of those hurtful things back.
Last Monday, when he came home he told me he was ready to end our relationship which sent me in a downward spiral. I asked him to leave the house which he did for the weekend. I didn’t have much contact with him. Here’s where things get interesting…
I twisted my ankle while he was away. I’ve never ever been hurt before and sent him a text. He immediately came home and started waiting on me hand and foot. He made dinner, washed dishes, and checked on me every minute. He brought me a walker and crutches and started talking again. I felt like the old Joshua surfaced. He’d told my daughter one night that we were trying to work it out. I was elated and stopped acting so emo because of all the new attention he was pouring into me.
For a minute, until I started talking about the relationship again. Now he’s looking for an apartment again.
Then I screwed it up and asked him to give us 3 months to try to work things out. He started shutting down again and said he’s just ready to move out. He tells me he loves me, that he wants to die in my arms and that he can’t imagine life without me which really confuses me. He’s never cheated but has told me he’d like to see what other women are out there which just kicks me right in the stomach. He’s told me to start dating and doesn’t seem at all jealous at the prospect of me being with other men.
Yesterday I read all the modules of your course and realized my hurt ankle triggered his hero instinct and he came running immediately to save me. But now I’ve screwed it up. I had a window of opportunity and now he’s shutting down again.
I see now that I destroyed his provider instinct and never acknowledged his contributions to our success.
I don’t know how to fix this. He is still waiting on me hand and foot, blows kisses goodbye at me, and tells me every day that he loves me.
I’m not an emotional person by nature but I’ve been crying nonstop for two months. I’m so heartbroken and fearful of life without him. We had such sparks early on, so incredibly powerful others used to envy us. Now we sleep in separate rooms and he sometimes locks the door so I can’t get in his space.
He refuses to go to couples counseling and says he doesn’t want to talk to another person. We had a really long talk last night and he says he just feels it’s time to move on and see what other possibilities are out there. But he’s super fit and used to do personal training and has agreed to help me with my strength training over the next several weeks.
He doesn’t ignore my texts since I hurt the ankle and has been treating me much kinder. He slept in the same room with me last night but still was guarded physically.
I’m afraid I’m going to screw this up royally. I know he still loves me. I know I triggered something in him that makes him want to be closer now. But I don’t know how to be effective in letting this work to my advantage.
I have little patience too and am totally used to everyone doing whatever I want. I don’t know how to be a damsel in distress. In fact, when others offer to assist me, I want to prove that I can do it on my own. I know this is counterproductive to a relationship but I don’t know how to be that woman.
I did ask for his help with working out though and perhaps that’s my opening for a new start. Sometimes I think I should just let him go and start dating others but then I just can’t imagine my life without him. 16 years is such a long time.
How do I not screw this up?
Clarke
Hi Clarke,
Thanks so much for your comment! Your situation sounds complicated and I feel like you’d greatly benefit from being a part of our community and some back and forth consultation. I recommend that you bring it up in our private forum where we have actual relationship coaches on staff to answer questions and give advice. To access this forum, you would need to sign up for the Irresistible Insiders Club.
Within this private community, you can also ask questions and share experiences with like-minded women and our most advanced members. This way you can get extra real-time feedback and support for your unique situation.
Warm wishes,
Tracey T.
After a year and a half with my partner (age 72) he told me (age 62) that a woman who he had a relationship with for 6 years slowly died about 4 years ago because she had family obligations, that now she seems happy and he has realized he has been denying but still has feelings for her. ( they work together)
He did think then that they would marry. I get being attracted to what might have been. And I get being in love with 2 people.
In our time togther, we have had an intimate love that is more than any other I’ve known. We planned to spend our lives together.
When he told me, I first ranted!, and then said we should separate while he explores that relationship.
So now we are separated and I feel an incredible loss and can’t imagine a future without him.
I found out two weeks before our 64th anniversary that my husband had two affairs about several years ago . One was with the person that I thought was my best friend. She had a terrible reputation, but I thought she had changed. My husband taught at a university and she took every class he offered. After he retired we had r
we had rental properties. Many times I would go by where he was working and she would be there .She also rented from us.
She was about four years older than he. His second affair was with an old girlfriend who lived in a city about a hundred miles away. He went there about once a month for a meeting and would “visit “ her. I have no idea how long this affair lasted . I don’t know if he had both at the same time or not.
I had never thought about about the flirting , but since I read this, it happened right in front of my eyes and
I was so trusting I didn’t give it another thought. II trusted him so much nobody could have convinced me he would do such a thing. I also he had an affair with another old girlfriend the summer before we married when we were engaged. I found out after he was diagnosed with early onset Dementia a d he thought I was the old girlfriend while we were having sex. He became very angry with me when I asked about the first one, then I suspected that the same was true with my “friend “. He became even more angry.. This was the first real argument we had our married life He had always been this kind, loving husband who me suggested doing much himself , but anything
I wanted to do was agreeable with him. I never imagined that our marriage of
85 years would have ended like this. I went to counseling for six months and it didn’t help. He well
Nt twice once I went with him
The counselor told him the first time that he should open up a conversational with me and talk about it , never happened, he told me that was what the counselor said. The last time the counselor wanted me to come with him the counselor told him we were in the privacy oh the room where no one would know what was said to look at me and tell me what he would like to say to me. He said that I was the smartest, most intelligent pet that he had ever known!!Not exactly what a wife wants to hear in counseling! The counselor said that he didn’t think he could help us. My husband husband’ would never discuss anything with he except to say he was sorry , but it was never in a way that showed any emotion. He never took me in his arms and told me that . Once when I was crying, as I still do every night he told me to just shut up a get over it! After almost two years, my children wanted me to put him in assisted living , which I deeply regret. He developed Covid and died three months ago with never many resolution. I always thought no one could have a better marriage and we often talked about what a great family we had. I am in counseling again. I thought by joining this group I might get some insight. Into why he ruined our marriage, our family, my life and his life. What a way to end a marriage of 85 years .
I had been with the love of my life for 3 yrs. Long distance. His ex wife was not good for our relationship and I held a grudge and said things about her or tried to vent my feelings to my ex and he would get mad. I paid for everything and drove the 2 hours every weekend and he didn’t come here often. But we were so perfect. He up and left said it’s my fault his ex and him have no co-parenting relationship and my children were ruining his children. That one I don’t understand. My oldest lived with him for 2 summers as his nanny. There was only normal sibling rivalry. He up and broke up with me and I believe was talking with someone else before he broke it off and is with her now. I want him back so bad. What do I do?? I’m at such a low point in life and just keep crying all day.
My ex of 3 years moved out in January. I was devastated. We had a huge fight and during, I said something that he said caused irreparable damage (he has been in trouble with the law before and I said I would tell them he hit me if he called them to come to the house to remove his stuff). He says he can never trust me again. I would never have done it, I couldn’t have hurt him that way. It was a stupid thing to say. I’ve told him that repeatedly but to no avail. He’s been betrayed by his own mom so he doesn’t believe me. I don’t know what to do. I love him and I regret it more than anything. He won’t communicate with me by phone. Has only responded to a few of my tracts when it involved ‘business’ and sent me an email saying it will never work because of the trust issue.
Hi! I tried everything I can find on the internet, even books and blog posts, to bring him back to me. Let me give you a little background.
We’ve been together for almost a year now. When we started, he almost always calls me or messages me everyday. We spend at least 3 to 8 hours a day for a phone call because we are in a long distance relationship. He would even helped me whenever I have some problems with my laptop, phones and external hard drives. He was enthusiastic whenever he helps me.
However, recently, like 2 or 3 weeks ago. He started changing and distancing himself. Even if I ask for his help or advice , he would ignore me. He kept saying he’s busy and that he has a lot on his plate but I often saw him online on a different social media platform. It pains me. I tried to tell him how I feel and told me that I should understand that he has a lot on his plate. I tried to accept it and reverted back to the way I was.
But the other night, when I needed his support emotionally, because I have been undergoing some pressures, I asked if he can spare some time to call me, hoping that he can help me calm down. Hoping that it will trigger his “Hero Instinct” like the book says. Unfortunately, he didn’t respond to me but I saw him active on social media. I’m not sure what I did wrong at this point. I tried to play it cool but he seems too far with his sudden change.
With that, the following morning, I sent him a message, telling him how I felt ,my insecurities, about us, if I ever did something wrong, but at the same time, thankful for our happy memories together.
His only response was “so u’d rather overthink than clear ur head and understand my being busy..”
Why does he have to keep me but ignore me at the same time? Does he want me to end it on my own so he wouldn’t feel guilty? It is so hard and painful.
Jen, I want you to consider an alternate possibility. What if he’s telling the truth and you end up pushing him away by appearing (to him) to be “emotionally needy” in the relationship at the precise moment when he has the least tolerance for that? And what if that creates a self-fulfilling prophesy for an outcome you do not want?
Efforts to get him to prove his love at this moment are doomed to fail. As odd as it sounds, the solution might be to ramp up your enjoyment of every little thing in the relationship, expecting a lucky outcome. Expand that mentality to the rest of your life, putting this relationship in a less important position in your mind for a month or two.
And if I’m wrong? Well, if I’m wrong, the relationship is going to end anyway. So it doesn’t change that. But if I’m right then you saved your relationship from a downward spiral, allowing it to flourish again when the moment is right.
While you wait for his busy season to pass, read this.
My husband and I have been together for 20 years, married for 10 and have 3 children, he started telling me we were having issues last March but we went to counseling and I thought we worked through it- fast forward to September he started acting distant, going out all the time, then in October I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he said he didnt know, then ultimately decided on divorce. In December we decided to scale back and out divorce on hold and try to work things out. Last week he decided that we are in fact going to get divorced and then I found out he’s been having an affair for the past 5 months with another married women. I am hurt beyond belief, he says he feels in his heart we are not meant to be together, but in my heart i feel differently. He says he wants to help me through this as much as possible and he wants to remain best friends. I don’t think i can do that with this other woman in his life. What are your suggestions. How can I open his heart back up to me. I cant imagine my family not together anymore.
Jen,
I am sorry to hear about the challenges you are facing in your marriage. The fact that your husband has been having an affair is a difficult situation to navigate. It’s natural to feel hurt and betrayed, and you are not alone in these feelings.
If you want to keep the door open to him in case he changes his mind or begins to miss you and realizes his mistake, please do so. But don’t allow that circumstance to go on forever. Set a deadline for moving on (only you should know about the deadline). This prevents you from staying in limbo or defining your life as “on hold” for too long.
Please read our special topic report called The Reset Button.
Regardless of what happens next, you’re going to need social support. Reach out to friends, family, and maybe a therapist or coach you can meet with in person.
Lastly, remember that divorce can be a challenging and emotional experience, but it’s not the end of your happiness or your bond with your kids. There is life after divorce, and with time, healing, and support, you will find your way forward.
Oh boy! Did this hit home! My husband of 22 years left me while I was at work to live with another woman! I hired a PI to find him and it was actually my daughter that found him. I put a note on his truck giving him the option to meet with me 1 last time to talk and return home. Oh, he came home when he found out I had adultery charges on him! He came back long enough to have the adultery charges voided. But left again, yet to return to her claiming there was no adultery! I only had to prove it again. Now he has me blocked and I have no way to get his attention. I don’t want a divorce, even though I have filed. I know if this was fixed correctly, it would work. He won’t give me the time of day. How on earth do I get his attention so I can do all the things you mention?
Hi, Ruthie. I hesitate to mention our preferred solution for this situation because it seems there must be more to the story that we don’t understand. The kind of extreme measures he took to suddenly cut off any communication is extremely rare, and it suggests caution for anyone weighing in on the situation without understanding more about the two of you individually and the relationship history. This may be a good question to address with one of our coaches in the private forum.
But if self-help guidance is truly what you want right now, my relationship course called The Relationship Rewrite Method is what you are looking for. You can find it on the catalog tab of our website.
James
I’m a 77-year-old. I met Larry after my husband had passed away and his wife has passed away. He was the most wonderful guy he did everything he does. I couldn’t ask for more I like fell in love with him so much and one day he just told me it was over. He blocked me on the Internet. He’s blocked me on the phone. The only thing I can do is send a letter and that’s it. I am so hurt. I’ve tried tried and tried. I don’t even know what I did wrong and i I felt I had the perfect man I wanted to be with him the rest of the life he could live in his house and I would live in mine
And we could stay with each other, but no nothing nothing at all. I just feel like I’m way out in the field. We went up to Michigan. We did trips we went to the arch in Missouri. We could just so much I have a car we put it in car shows, and now he’s gone. I miss him so much.
I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through a difficult time. One thing that can be helpful in situations like these is to focus on what you can control and what is beautiful and good in life. While it’s understandable to feel hurt and confused when someone you love suddenly ends the relationship without explanation, it’s important to remember that you deserve someone who will treat you with respect and communicate openly with you. Remember that you are worthy of love and respect, and that there are people out there who will appreciate and value you.
Would this work when you’ve been texting/talking long distance with someone you’ve known for yrs as a past co-worker friend, but connected via a social media post that ignited the connection then suddenly pulled away?
Hi, Amber. Humans are complex. But one thing remains simple. Emotions run the show.
So it’s not a matter of “if” this works. It’s a matter of what other complicating factors might be causing his emotions to work against the idea of investing in building a connection with you.
The love of my life, said he needed space to figure things out. Why he wasn’t showing up as a partner. He slowly backed away and doesn’t even text anymore. It’s killing me. I asked him if we should totally break up, and he said “ friends with love.” I have no clue what that means. I’m trying not to text since Christmas Day. I really want him to come over for New Years. How long to I leave him alone?
Dear James, I purchased your course because my ex bF ended our relationship on August 19 and it devastated me. After sending him a couple of letters to try to get clarification on why the breakup occurred, i finally received a letter from him the other day, telling me that this is not his style, but that he wants to go no contact with me, because “you will try like hell to win me back and I don’t want that deck of cards”. “I never wanted to hurt you and even now don’t want to hurt you. but I am a buffoon. A jackass with a capital J. I’ll see you in heaven someday, at which time God will have straightened us both out”.
This has got to be the worst letter I’ve ever received in my life, and I definitely do not deserve it! All I really did to get dumped, after a quite a beautiful and pleasant day together, was to say something to him that he did not want to hear. It was concerning his self-absorption.
Has he put the final mail in our coffin? Is there any hope at all of your program working for a man who says things like this to me? Does he hate me?
This worked tonight. Wow. Every part of it.
Hi James,
My ex broke up with me after 3 years just over two months ago and i can’t move on. I am willing to try anything to get him back but I’m scared he’ll reject me. I bought your video His Secret Obsession but I think I need more help than that. What do you recommend? Please help me out! I love him and can’t let this go just because he was mad at me. Thank you 🙏🏽
Hi, Blanka. I admire people who take action, like you. And I admire the fact that you are going to go after what you want in life instead of just waiting passively.
I have encountered this kind of problem often enough that I created a special course focused exclusively on the art of re-creating a spark with your ex. You can find it here. Thanks for supporting my work with your purchase. I hope this course empowers your next step.
I have been seeing this guy for five months now and he grew distant and showed like he didn’t care most of the times we talked on phone hide his eyes from me most of the times we met.
The last time we got into an argument which I don’t know what sparked it cause clearly I had informed him about my coming late for our walk. I don’t know what to do any advice cause I don’t even know where I stand with him and why he acts mean and cold to me
Ok, so I was having an amazing relationship with this guy. I was getting spooked a lot by it but I also really wanted it to work so I tried to “love without the fear”. I’ve known him about a year but we only days about 2 months. We spent an enormous amount of time together during those 2 months though. At one point he asked me to move in. I joked it off. I denied his help on something major. I know that affected him. I could tell but enough not until later.
He spoke to me about possible marriage down the road to see how I felt about it.
I have a lot of stuff I’m dealing with that is causing an extreme amount of stress. I didn’t exactly share these things with him.
One day we had an amazing time. It was perfect. We were perfectly happy. He expressed he was definitely falling in love with me.
They next as if I had no choice in it, I self sabotaged everything. We instantly went from having our normal thing to me causing constant conflict. It was the exact thing I knew he couldn’t handle.
I struggle with communication but he was patient and helped me with that until I became irrational.
One night we had another fight I started. He had lost his patience and we argued back and forth. He told me I was pushing his buttons and he needed that to stop.
I wanted to stop but I subtly kept doing it.
He said he wanted to leave his own house to just get away.
He then took a deep breath, looked at me and said let’s just lay down and watch some TV.
I agreed. I knew I went too far.
We layer down on the bed and within about 10min, he pulled me close to him. I asked if we could fix this, he responded with yes.
We made up 😉
He even told me then that “he wants to make me happy”. “When I’m happy, he’s happy”.
We layer together again to go to sleep. He looked over at me, squeezed my hand, and pulled me a bit closer to him. I looked into his eyes and remembered feeling so much love in the moment but also a sense of great sadness.
I left his house early the next morning. He told me he loved me.
He has not wanted to speak to me since. Almost 2 weeks ago. I knew that look he gave me was full of love for me but also a good bye. He couldn’t have a relationship like that.
I want to fix this. I miss him. I want. I know he’s hurt though. I don’t want to hurt him again.
Hi James,
I just want to thank you. Given our situation i dont know if there is a future for us (ex and kids involved). I waffle between letting it go which i dont want but i think there may be years involved until his kids get a little older. We had a bad argument when i was grieving over my dogs death. It has been tough.
But i did want to say- this SO works! Its crazy. I have to go back and reread it alot, because i fell off the wagon this past week when he distanced (thinking), and i wonder if hes courting a girl at work. But i read more last night and today it worked like a charm. Patience is a virtue they say and i feel i just have to so as you said and stick with it and see how it goes.
Thanks so much and many blessings to you.
Tracy