It’s a common scenario. You like a guy. There’s been some interaction, but you can’t tell if the feeling is mutual. You flirt, sometimes with success, but you’d really like to know if you’re wasting your time. Does he like you back or not?
When that happens, the absolute best thing you can do is fake it. That’s right. Make the assumption that he does like you instead of trying to read between the lines.
Most women, and men for that matter, take a different approach. They play the role of detective, using vague clues to try to ferret out the other person’s feelings. That’s a bad idea.
Think about where your mind is when you play detective. It’s centered on self-doubt. You’re working off the assumption that he doesn’t like you and looking for evidence that you’re wrong. It feels like a safe option. After all, no one wants to assume they’re liked only to be let down. Unfortunately, you end up working against yourself.
The problem with this approach is that it plays to your insecurities. Assuming the best gives you confidence when you interact with him. He’ll find it alluring and fun. But if you’re constantly worried about whether or not he likes you in return, you’re chipping away at your “natural” way of interacting.
The result is that you simply don’t put your best foot forward.
Instead of worrying about how he feels, focus on the fact that there are many attractive things about you. Assume he sees you for all your good qualities. Basically, tell yourself he already likes you. You don’t have to take on the role of the pursuer. There’s no need for you to ask him out or to flirt shamelessly. Just tell yourself privately that he’d be nuts not to like you.
When you do that, something incredible happens.
You gain a crazy amount of confidence. Rather than coming off as needy or insecure, you project the image of a woman who knows who she is and why she’s desirable. This dramatically increases the chances that he’ll see you as attractive.
Instead of playing detective, adopt the mindset that he already likes you. You stand a better shot at creating the reality you want!
Psychologists call this a self-fulfilling prophecy. At its heart, it’s faking it ’til you make it. It may feel a bit like psychological hocus pocus, but it works.
And what if it doesn’t work?
Well, part of the key is not waiting around forever for one guy, and not putting all your eggs in one basket at this early stage. Just keep hold of your confidence and keep moving.
The vast majority of men find themselves drawn to women with confidence. Be one of those women by affirming your own attractive qualities and assuming that the guy you’re interested in is also interested in you.
After all, you have a lot to offer the right guy. Focus on that instead of self-doubt.
How do I know if my guy friend is flirting or just being friendly? I have a strong feeling that he likes me, but sometimes it seems like he distances himself. For example, he used to text me almost everyday. Now, I’m the person who initiates most of our conversations. However, when we are in person, he starts most of the conversations and he’s usually really excited to see me. I really like him.
This problem is common enough that we created a mini-report about it for members of our Irresistible Insiders group. You can find the report here.
Thank you James. This is really amazing and i hope it will change my life forever.
I never thought I’d be writing, but here’s my dilemma. Bachelor, really smart but not educated, involved in keeping government honest. I really like the guy. He’s 8 years younger! So I have a little self doubt there. We work together and talk frequently, sometimes for hours. We’ve shared personal information (although he’s sometimes guarded about revealing much, but does give some personal information) but a lot of the conversation is about goals of our community group. It’s been a really long time since I’ve been in a relationship (marriage was abusive) and I had 4 kids to raise and a career to complete. Now my daughters are telling me that I should ask him if he wants to go to dinner sometime to find out if he’s interested in me beyond the community stuff. Your article says no – but that’s how my youngest daughter got her husband! He flirted a lot – worked nearby and finally she just asked him. It would clarify whether or not our conversations are strictly “business” or whether the flirting going on has potential. Is it wrong in this day and age to ask?
Hey Debbie. You can do whatever you want to pursue your dreams. But here’s what I would suggest in most similar situations. Instead of directly inviting him to dinner, give him a clear signal that you would say yes. For example, “If you ever decided to invite me to dinner, there’s a cute restaurant called ________ that I’ve been wanting to check out. Have you ever been there?”
It’s a fairly bold and straightforward way of giving him the green light. Yet it leaves the power in his hands to take the leadership role by actually making an invitation. The question at the end is designed to take the pressure off of him in case he does not feel ready to invite you on the spot.
Perfect! I appreciate your insights/ blogs and comments – more than anyone else you’ve promoted. It’s been very helpful as I pursue the possibility of a relationship again – even in understanding my 2 boys. Thank you!
Debbie, I think, personally, that it must depend on which country you live in and what sort of culture, religious background, etc. you have. There cannot be a “one size fits all”. Here in England, with the advent of internet dating, I think it is much more acceptable for girls to ask men out. I did with my man – albeit totally innocently, because I already knew him very well socially, and a girlfriend had let me down for attending a concert. Being as he is very musical, I thought he would take her ticket. He did, and from there he made it clear that he wanted more. I must admit I was a bit shocked, as I thought we were just friends, and did not react positively immediately, but got back to him a few weeks later. I had always fancied him like crazy, and he said he fancied me, too – but he had a girlfriend at one point – although I knew they were separated when I asked him to the concert. I think it is important, though, to do it casually, and let him make the first move romantically. An elderly man-friend of mine says that it is always the woman who has the upper hand. She has to show that she is “willing” – just the way animals do. Why not just ask him for a coffee somewhere nice, or a drink after work, or like I did – you could pretend you have a spare ticket for some event you might both like. If you really like him, don’t dither, or else he will get snapped up by someone else, then you will be heart-broken. Best of luck!!! And let us know how you get on!!! Lorna
Well, I think I am in that situation right now. Met a guy a few months ago, and I felt there was some kind of good “chemistry” between us, each time he saw me, smiled at me (and I smiled at him back, of course), and was always so kind and sweet, and I thought he was interested in me, but maybe I was wrong. The last time we talked was for New Year, and he promised me he would answer an email I´d sent him before when he was back, because he was travelling to NY for his holidays.
Well, now he´s back, but never answered. I really like him, so that´s sad, and I don´t know how to continue feeling strong, positive, and attractive. I don´t feel thay way, at all, specially because he´s not the first guy that brokes a promise of course, but he really don´t seem that kind of guy.
And I hate being thinking of him and not knowing what are his feelings about me, if he was really interested, or he was just being nice.
James, ¿don´t you think that sometimes, by assuming that a man you like, likes you back, perhaps you are just fooling yourself? Thank you
This is one of those “twin truths” where a full understanding requires a person to look at two separate but related issues. On the one hand, there is great power in assuming he likes you. But as you have pointed out, you must also be careful not to “fool yourself” in the process. Act as though he likes you. But do so in the full knowledge that he may not pursue you in the end. And since that’s a possibility, you should not put all your eggs in one basket, nor allow your imagination to create a relationship that does not yet exist. Good point, Adriana. Thanks for the insightful comment.
Thank you for the answer, James. You always leave me waiting for more of your exciting articles.
I’ve always thought that men pretty much take you at your own estimation of yourself. Look around at the women who are surrounded by men at a party. Are they the prettiest, sexiest or smartest? Not really. They are the women who think they’re hot S%#*T…so the men think they are too!
James, why males only talk to someone they like, and not just to anyone in random
Good people enjoy talking to others regardless of their gender. Don’t spend a lot of time around men who seem to be exclusively focused on people who can give them something they want. Healthy human beings give their time and attention to people for no other reason than to show kindness and build relationships with others.
Thanks James…I was enlightened by it..I know I did the right thing…looking forward for more brilliant blogs…thank you so much…
Hi James? Thank you got this awesome reminders about confidence as oppose to doubdt! Great article!!!!
Share more and post more!!! Can’t wait.
I love reading your articles!
Thanks, Wilma. I really appreciate your encouraging comment.
Thank you James for all the articles you send, they are really worth reading and always have an inspiring content. This one speaks to me. I am interested in him, he acts somewhat cold whenever I send text(he seldom texts back) but when I get to see him he is warm and keeps the conversation going. He hasn’t asked me out its been almost two years now, much as I do not want to put my eggs in one bucket, I haven’t met guys I have an interest in as much as I am in him. One more question is how do I show my interest without coming across as too needy? I do not want to ask him out am scared he might turn me down? What do I do to get some positive results if there is a chance for that?
Hi Lynn. If you really took my advice from the article to heart, how would you act differently? If you really chose to believe that he would be crazy not to like you, would your behavior change a little? Spend a little time in your imagination to consider how you might act differently toward this two-year friend if you were confident he was going to respond well to you?
I met this guy that I really like. Well me being insecure about how he felt I “played detective” and now its as if he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me.is there anything that I can do to fix this with him?
My ex and I split up 9 months ago, for 6 months he has refused to speak with me. But after some coaching and walking a path of self discovery, I realised how much he loved me (by action and deed), and how I took it completely for granted, Erm playing detective instead… and how much I really hurt him. In the last few months I have worked on how he has loved me, still loves me and look for the good and positive. Well those good feelings and positive outlook has worked! He communicated with me out of the blue – and the energy is wonderful. Teeny baby steps, however your point of looking for the good and belief in their feelings for you is complete testament. Gratitude to you James!
How sweet your comments, Colleen!! I am so pleased that your self-evaluation has paid off for you, and wish you luck and love for the future. I am sure if you keep reading what James has to say, you will not go wrong – he has come up with such a lot of good sense since I have been reading his articles. Have fun – and don’t blow it this time by doubting your boyfriend or yourself. It’s what I do all the time, as well as getting hideously jealous, and it drives ME crazy!! I understand that when a woman does not believe that her man loves her, it makes him so mad (and hurt, too, I imagine). We have to learn by our mistakes, and that is exactly what you are doing – well done!! Lorna x
Awesome insight, James, and something I plan to put into practice! Thank you for all your wonderful material.
I just recently became a member of the beirresistable.com program and I cant wait to get started !!! This will totally transform me..Thank you so much for sharing not only with me but with thousands of women around the world…
Hi James, I’m a member too so could you please point me to where I can find some info on how to setup an alluring Internet dating profile?
Hi Louise. I have a special report on that coming soon. It will be released in the member’s area for those interested in about three weeks.
Loved your article it really helped my self-doubt. I’ve so much chemistry with this guy. It is been my third date. He held my hand as he took the elevator to his SUV. And before he got into his SUV we kissed twice.
After he left I had this dreadful fear that he would not ask me out again. Instead of making myself feel badly I focused on the evidence of him holding my hand and kissing me goodbye. It helped to take my doubts away.
In your article you said he’d be nuts not to be crazy about you. How true it is.
This was a great article for me because I do the self doubt thing all the time. In the end I think that I sabotage myself. So thank you for this 🙂
Hi Anna – I think it’s the curse of most humans. I’ve learnt a little trick, next when in doubt, think of something wonderful he’s done and with gratitude, you’ll be amazed at the transformation within minutes 🙂
James, I want to again thank you for caring so deeply about everyone and this insight and inspiration is a truth that few women ever get! Thank you for imprinting it into my mind and soul forever! Again, I will say, your wife is truly fortunate to have such a sensitive and caring man for a husband!
The best article ever. Exactly what I’ve been doing. Thanks
Thank you. You are an inspiration, and often your messages come at the right time. God bless x
Hi. Thank you James. This is brilliant, and affirms something I have been trying out with awesome results.
In my case, I am in a relationship (10 months) with a guy I really love. He is so cool and great, that I feel scared and insecure at times, afraid to trust he loves me as much as says he does. Sometimes I just cant believe he has chosen me, of all the women he could be with. He has also tended to be reserved and sometimes guarded.
I recently decided to try focusing on BELIEVING he is crazy about me, and looking for all the evidence that he is..with outstanding results! He is SO much more romantic, and complimentary since I have started this. It’s amazing! I feel like i have a secret magic trick for getting the love and devotion I always wanted from him. I am so happy and feel very confident now, because he is consistently showing it everyday. We also get along even better than before :))
Great to know it’s been working for you already, Lily!
I really needed this suggestion. I have been smittened over this guy for over a year and I am gonna follow this and know that he likes me too. I get tougher tied when I try to have a conversation .. I m getting better but this confidence I will try. This cane at a great time .. I will get this man . 🙂 thank you SO. Much
Glad it was helpful to you, Luann.
Oh, wow. Reading this felt so good, it was a big “aha!” moment for me (and I was thinking “self-fulfilling prophecy! self-fulfilling prophecy!” since the second paragraph, heehee). I read tons of relationship books/programs/articles, and such “aha” moments have become rare for me nowadays—so thank you, James, for your wonderful insight! Thinking back, I can identify at least one situation in which I (unconsciously) put this into practice, to great results. And also lots of situations where “detective work” lead to me over-thinking and spinning in my head and dampening any attraction that might have been there. Luckily, now I know better. Thank you!