It’s both a love story and an action movie. Richard Gere’s portrayal of Lancelot was fantastic, and the pain you feel for King Arthur (played by Sean Connery) is only matched by the longing to see Guinevere and Lancelot give in to the heart-pounding lust they feel for each other.
In the opening scene we discover Lancelot dueling commoners with his broadsword to make money. After easily defeating each of the brave men that stepped forward, one man in particular wanted to know how he had managed a particular maneuver that disarmed him.
He was fascinated by the skill that had just rendered him defenseless. He craved the knowledge that could give him equal power.
You may remember Lancelot’s reply. It became a theme in the plot of the story, responsible for his rapid rise in King Arthur’s Court and the passionate relationship with Guinevere.
Lancelot showed the young man the technique, and explained that its successful execution required something special. He said, “You must not care whether you live or die.”
This is how he approached his relationship with Guinevere. He brought a level of passion and persistence that could not be ignored despite seemingly insurmountable challenges. He poured his very being into his love for Guinevere, knowing full well that if his passion was denied his heart would break. Those are high-stakes to be playing with.
Here’s the lesson. When you allow yourself to truly desire a man, your fear will rise to match the level of desire you feel. Think about that. The more you want something, the more you become afraid of losing it. It’s unfortunate but true that men can sense a woman’s fear, often mentally interpreting it as a clingy neediness or trap.
Men value freedom above all else. It’s one of the things that make men act differently than women. They like to feel in control of their world. They don’t like to answer to anyone.
When you approach a man you desire, you must strive to bring a special kind of fearless passion. While pouring your heart and life into every interaction, you must not care whether the relationship lives or dies. Do this and you will become intoxicating to him.
He will sense it when you achieve this. No, that’s wrong. Sensing something is like a tingling awareness. His experience will be more like the first breath of oxygen after holding his breath underwater for two minutes. It will be profoundly different from the smothering fear he has experienced as he contemplates dating other women.
Men do not want to be trapped, but I’m sure you have known a man who repeatedly said they just weren’t ready for a commitment, only to get engaged two months after meeting someone that swept him off his feet.
How do you pull it off? How do you create an experience for a man (and yourself for that matter) of life-affirming passion paired with the freedom of reckless abandon?
These are the secrets of Irresistible attraction. Your instincts and intuition will teach you the way if you start today and strive each following day to bring these qualities to your interactions with men. You can also speed your learning curve with some techniques that make the process easier in our training materials available here.
Rooting for your passionate embrace of all that life has to offer,
James Bauer
Hi James,
I enjoyed day 1’s tip. I’m very interested in seeing what the next 13 days tell me.
My story.. 8 months ago I just seperated from my husband of 11yrs. Dating is very hard. I’m a hardworking single mom of 4, FT job, FT kids. I finally found a man equal to myself such as good job, pays his own bills, takes care of his own kids.We have tons in common like we have know each other for ever. The little romantic things that Ive always done he does them! We have had the best relationship in only a months time that I could never of dreamed of & he totally shared my feelings on that. I actually already use your day 1 tip, because I have to keep myself reserved since I have my kids. He has only been seperated a few months. His ex during a switch off with the kids began asking him questions & he told her about me. I have only met her a few times. Now she has begun to use the kids against him to break us up & she even played the “I wanna get back together…for our family” card. I totally understand & I backed off…hurt. She just played him & doesn’t really want to be with him. God couldn’t of given us both the best moth of our lives for nothing so we have kept the friend window open. He is totally confused thanks to her & doesn;t know what to do. I myself want to give him time. I definatly would like to see where we could go. But I;m at a loss. I dont want to get hurt. He said he was over her until she started messing with his head. Now I don’t know what to do…Can u help me? Please & thank you.
Hey Melissa. It sounds like you’re on the right track. You’ve made the right choices so far. Some things are simply not within your control (such as the actions of his ex and how he responds to her).
Be the breath of fresh air in his life. Don’t make him figure it out (yet). Just “be” with him and let him discover how refreshing it is to be in your presence. Then give it time.
James
Wow, so true… Thank you, James!
Yes, I had fallen in love with a man that seemed to have been falling in love with me and even asked me to fall in love with him. But one week he had lost his phone when he was out of town with no other phone service. I had no idea what was happening. By the time he got his phone back with a text, call, or email from me 1-2 times per day to find out what happened to him (he used to call and text ALL throughout the day, and talk to me all night), it sealed our fate with him thinking I was too needy and insecure and he dumped me from his heart, and was never open to communication again. Although I did wonder why it didn’t seem I was on his heart anymore, I also was truly worried about his well being. Nevertheless, I’ve been trying to get him back ever since. I’m not one to give up on others so easily. Unfortunately, I’m learning he doesn’t like that either, because, as you said James, he likes his space, his freedom, and cannot tolerate feeling smothered, nor can he tolerate insecurity (he practically told me that).
I do think one of the ladies here made a valid point about males being conditioned not to express or tolerate any strong emotions other than anger. And the man I speak of is an “alpha” military male to the most extreme degree I’ve ever known. Everything he feels about me that causes him to make decisions about me seem to be very primal and not so much logical, or things he can even explain very well. I had wish I had known this. At the same time, James, I hope you and others out there can help men understand how deeply relational God has created woman to be, how beautiful it is, and if we don’t want to lose a man’s love, that it would help that they view it as desire for them, not just so much of “neediness”. And I hope men can be encouraged not to fear their own emotions, or women’s emotions, as I’m learning they are as well.
Note: I do believe I’m the best woman this man will ever get. I do have and know that there are men that can love me better than this guy, but I do DESIRE him the most.
Great illustration of this concept in real life. Thanks for sharing, Hadessah!
James
Thanks, James… Do you think there’s hope of ever winning him back again? Unfortunately, we’re long distance, so there’s so much against us. He used to say that I brought out the best in him, and that he wanted to build something together, and grow together. He does have other pressures on him as well, that have made him angry, which he admitted to, and that it’s “not all” me. He said he has “a love” for me, but I don’t know what that means? And he doesn’t respond to my calls or emails, which I don’t call anymore and my emails are spread far apart. But he did finally respond to a text the other day where I was just saying encouraging words of how I believed in him and shared about an adventurous day I had with a beautiful photo of myself in nature. He just gave a short, “thanks, looks nice, rough day”. And then didn’t respond again, though compared to the fact that he hasn’t responded for almost 2 months, that was a huge breakthrough for me!
There’s always a chance of things chaning, Hadessah, even if it’s only a small chance. The key is to pursue other relationships and other life activities as if he was going to stay the same (i.e. mostly ignoring you) but not burn bridges (keep communication lines open in case his phase of life changes and he finds himself ready to actively pursue a relationship).
Oh, I did forget one comment he had made when he was in a bad mood from other stressors: “I know you want a commitment, but I just don’t feel it in my heart. You’re too needy and insecure.” OUCH. Lol. This was after those circumstances out of my control to include when he lost his phone. To add to my confusion, he was cold to me all that last weekend together, yet pressed me twice to be intimate with him. I wish I wasn’t, as if I hope he would have chased me, yet our physical intimacy is the only time we’re able to connect on a passionate level anymore. But then he is cold as ice when he’s done. He is not the type to have used women, and has only been with 2 other women in his life, but I am afraid he may have used me to some degree, yet I was thinking he was loving me. It was in those moments he said, “I do have a love for you, Hadassah.”
I don’t know what to make of it at all. I will be going to his house one last and final time to pick up all my things next month. If he presses me to be physical with him, I’m not sure what to do? If I finally start setting boundaries, will he chase me again as he once did? Or will I just continue to lose his interest altogether? His sexual desire for me seems the only influence I have on him anymore. How shall I use it to win him back? Is there still hope after sharing these aspects of this story?
I find it interesting that you recommend “When you approach a man you desire, you must strive to bring a special kind of fearless passion. While pouring your heart and life into every interaction, you must not care whether the relationship lives or dies.” It makes a lot of sense, but it also feels like you would be hiding your feelings too. I’ve recently moved from the friend zone with my guy friend only to find out that my PAST mistakes and bad decisions have exhausted him from giving me millions of second chances, it bothers me that the past is being dwelled on, but currently we are in the state where we may no longer be friends or more than friends. I poured my heart out to say I didn’t want to lose him and he basically said he was tired of giving me second chances and tired of my lack of “good sense”. I really don’t want to lose him, but I fear I have no choice.
My boyfriend and I were together for five years. He cheated on me and I was heart broken. I found myself talking to his coworker about it a lot, and before I knew it were were talking every single day. Over the last few months we have hung out a few times, flirted quite a bit, and I think there are obvious signs he likes me. I really like him, we can talk on the phone for hours, and we enjoy each others company. I often go to his mens games to watch, but I have to schedule a time to see him two weeks in advance because he is so busy. He never actually initiates anything and tells me I’m not ready for a relationship yet…I am his friend. My friends tease me because I am really in the “friend zone.” He is so busy entertaining himself with clubs and sports that he does not have time for anyone in his life. I think he does a million different activities so he doesn’t have to THINK about how alone he really is. He even said there are two months out of his year when he has nothing to do, and he gets depressed during those months. He says he wants a girlfriend who is his best friend and lover, and he would like to get married someday…but then also says he has trouble committing, and he knows he frustrates women. He’s into me one moment, and the next he might not even respond to my text for a day or more. Just when I feel like we are connecting, he pulls away. I stopped telling him about my heartache from my ex, and I hope that is a step in the right direction. I’m trying to only say positive things in my texts, because I don’t want to scare him away. After we hang out he is very receptive to my texts and emails, but then a few weeks go by (since he is too busy to hangout) and the texts become less and less…. until the next time we eventually hang out. Do I just pull the plug and stop chasing him? I feel like he is everything and more that I want in a man, but he just doesn’t SEE me. I do such nice things for him, and he doesn’t see that I could be the woman he has been looking for all this time. PLEASE HELP
Hey Melody. It sounds like you two enjoy each other a lot. I’ve done a fair bit of research and coaching on breaking out of the friend-zone box. I’ve put together some of my best techniques in a special report on this topic. You can find it here. Good luck!
James
I’ve been dating this guy for eight months and before we started dating (during the summer) he would talk to me every day on oovoo and text because we were not able to see each other. Then when college started we started dating and I saw him every day so there wasn’t really a need to keep in touch outside of seeing each other. Now that its summer again he barely talks to me, he won’t even say goodnight or good morning. I told him that I would like to talk to him more and I don’t like it when he sees my messages and doesn’t reply. He told me that is who he is and that it’s not only to me that he does this but he doesn’t reply to anyone because he is so busy. I’ve brought it up a lot in the past couple weeks and especially a few days ago I had a long talk about how it bothers me. He told me if any other guy heard that they would leave me for being needy but he didn’t, however, ever since then he says goodnight and good morning but it just seems so forced and he doesn’t talk to me at all during the day. There is no emotion in it when he says it. How do I make him want to talk to me more without being needy?
Hi Jasmine. It sounds like he has a different idea about what is “normal” regarding the way you interact during summer months apart. This may not be something you can easily fix because he perceives your efforts to fix it as “being needy.” But you might get better results by reserving texting for sharing interesting tidbits about your life or meaningful questions about what’s going on for him. Using text just to say hello seems like meaningless attention-seeking behavior (to some people…not all). Try reducing the “good morning” type texts and increase the percentage of curiosity-provoking texts and see what happens.
I just don’t understand how to act like “I don’t care if the relationship lives or dies” But I do know that my relationship is like a rollercoaster! We’ve been together 9mo & I feel lime it’s inevitable that we won’t make it much longer. I don’t trust him (b/c of previous problems) and he feels like I smother him & he has “no privacy “! I truly love him, but don’t know what to do. It seems like everything I say is WRONG! Help!!!
that’s like & not lime…
Hi, Amber. While you might want to submit a question with more background information to one of our relationship coaches, I’ll just comment on one thing here.
The two things you mentioned (lack of trust and feeling smothered without privacy) feed on each other. Men have a natural inclination to conceal some of their plans and thoughts from others. It’s kind of like a survival instinct that should have nothing to do with a romantic relationship but often shows up there nonetheless.
It’s also perfectly natural for you to have limited trust in someone who has betrayed your trust recently. To break the cycle I recommend you speak with him openly about the link between these two issues and then make it a priority to purposely build trust with each other. Here’s an article I wrote that explains how to build trust on purpose.
It’s frustrating that you should have to give trust to someone who may not deserve it, but the alternative is giving up on the relationship all together. I say this based on experience with watching how relationships unfold when one partner demands constant accountability from a partner who messed up in the past. It rarely works out for the best. Choosing to actively build trust will at least give you a fighting chance.
James
hi,i am aurita from bangladesh.
direct to the point….its been 1 year i am in a relation but its not working smoothly as my boy friend is so problematic. he had a relation but his ex did not love him n it was almost like a trap…soon after his break up we became fb friend. then he proposed me there…i believe he loves me but i can’t feel it…all time he lies,he hides everything about his ex,his life, he is not sharing,caring…he doesn’t wanna talk to me over phone, he shows excuses every time but he is determined about me making his final life–partner.. i am confused..i am not happy with him but i love him honestly. what should i do? is it impossible to get his 100% attension,affection,love,care?
please reply me and give me solution
Hi Aurita. I wonder if he knows that he has failed to make you feel loved, appreciated, and respected. If you suspect he does not, start there.
Take time to carefully think about gentle ways you can help him to see how his life and your life could be better. Start with just one or two things so you do not overwhelm him with requests for change. But be honest with him about the fact that you are not happy with the relationship and therefore are not ready to accept his proposal.
At the same time, assure him that you want to feel ready to accept his proposal and you are willing to work with him toward establishing the kind of relationship that would make that possible.
i like the part that says, in a relationship, i must not care whether the relationship lives or dies.
Just wanne ask is this going to work for me??? My husband left me for his mistress he they live together for 2 years she left him for someone els he”s back now but things not looking good i try my best but he complain albout everything i do.I was not after 17 y of marrige good enough he wants to change everthing but just do the same old tricks again and make me the bad one ????
Wilma, the real key for you is going to be establishing a balanced relationship where he pursues you as much as you pursue him. It sounds like right now things are out of balance where he thinks he can act however he wants and you will cater to him. If you need some help on that, consider submitting a question to one of my hand-picked professional relationship coaches. You can do so here.
What if I might be interested in a player? I don’t think they value relationships. Or, maybe he’s just not that into me? He is very confident, self absorbed, very social, extremely intelligent and travels a great deal. I do know he has dated other women in our large circle. Should I even waste my energy if he is a player?
Hi Brenda. It sounds like you do value relationships, and for that reason I think you should only pursue relationships with other people who share that value. Otherwise, it puts you in a position of constantly trying to create something on your own with no help from your partner.
James,
So we broke up….it really was too good to be true, as I suspected. I feel used and disrespected right now but as time passes I feel better and plan on dating again. I tried (shrug)
I’m sorry, Jacui. Take good care of yourself.
Hi james,
I have been in several relationships and all are serious but seems marriage and proposal are too distant for me. So I ended up leaving those relationships who doesn’t want or talked about having future with me.
At the moment, I’m in relationship with this guy that I felt I have connection with and we enjoyed so much of each others company. We have been together for a year now but I felt that he is someone doesn’t want to get committed with me. He always said to me that let’s not worry about the future and just enjoy the present. Sometimes he’s pressuring me to like what he likes, for instance his favorite sports, news and cartoon shows. I did everything he says to me and he even told me that I am the best relationship that he ever had. But recently he asked me he missed his personal time being alone so I gave it to him and moved to my friend’s house for a while. But he started treating me so dry that we used to talked and text each other so often. Then one night I asked him if he’s free to talk but he replied me, is it important? I just replied to him it’s not, just wanna talk. Then he said can we just talk about it next time coz im busy my favorite show is about to start. So I told him that u seems not to care for me anymore and he got so pissed and since that night he never talked to me again. It’s been 3 days now that he hasn’t sent me any msg and I did the same. I think mybe he needs really time and space away from me and I guess this time his the one pulling out from the relationship.
I just don’t get what really man wants?
I just want a clear status of our relationship now.. should I message him first or just wait til he wants to talk to me again?
Thanks for ur time 🙂
Hi Sophia. For very personal questions like this one, please send the question in through our private consultation service where a professional relationship coach will receive your request and respond.
Ok, so james, how does this apply to me, when a guy i started to said i was texting him too much but i really wasn’t? I only text him like 3 times that day and someone stole my phone and ruined everything. How can i win him back and explain to him that it wasn’t me if he won’t even return my calls after that? I want to fix it with him and i don’t know how. How does this apply and how can i fix the situation?
I’m not sure if it would work, Ella, but if it was a friend playing a prank on you (when they stole your phone and texted him) you might ask your friend to contact him and explain what they did.
James
James,
I went on an online site to find friends and found this wonderful guy. He was honest with me and treats me like a very special person. Sometimes I think he is too good to be true but he never fails to impress me with how he treats me. He is very respectful and knows so much about life in general. We have talked about marriage…I was married for over 25 years and now a widow….he was in a relationship that produced a son. I have 2 grown sons and 3 grands. We have mostly everything in common and talk a lot. He says he is done looking for a mate, he now has me lol.
Anyway, we have just been getting closer and closer but sometimes I wonder if he is pretending. Why I wonder is because all the articles I have read about how real men should treat their women is what he does and I wonder if one day he will just stop pretending and show his true colors. He stopped working due to a back injury and I was there for him emotionally and financially, which he always speaks about and appreciates. Now he’s back on his feet financially and he hasnt changed one bit, still treats me like the most important person in his life….aside from his son, which I have no problem with.
I have listened your audio message and read this first article and I wonder if he reads these things as well, he is so…….perfect lol. It scares me, how we are getting close and even told him that the other day and I think I hurt him by saying that and I felt him pull away a bit…like giving me space. My husband was a cheating rascal so I’m not used to this sort of attention I’m getting now. I am enjoying it tho and take your suggestions seriously as I believe they are workable.
Glad I found you!
My boyfriend and I are the best of friends and he said I should be grateful that I got the privilege to be his girlfriend, and we can talk about anything and everything but he is afraid of commitment because I have kids and he doesn’t, so what then?
Hmmm…I think he has put the ball in your court, Angel. It’s up to you to decide whether you are willing to be with a man who does not want a long-term commitment with you.
He has communicated his position clearly, which is respectful (even if he does sound a bit narcissistic). But there’s always the chance that you might be able to learn what his concerns are about being in a relationship with someone with children. In the process of talking it through, you might discover that he has irrational fears or beliefs about what that would mean for his life. Some of those thoughts would be realistic, but it could be that removing just one false belief would free up his willingness to discuss ways you could commit to each other for the long-term.
So get him talking. Ask him how he envisions a future with someone with kids, and what aspects of that life he would prefer to avoid.
James
Hi Angel, what a nerve saying you should be grateful. That alone tells me in a nutshell what type of man he is – conceited. Plus the kids story – you and him can have kids too? Doesn;t seem like a good character to me
Hi, I’m very interested in what you have to say. My relationship needs a little work. I feel as if he’s lost interest in me because he’s still in the “playing video games” stage. I don’t mind so much that he plays them, it’s just that he plays them all day long before and after work, completely neglecting me. I’d like to go out and spend time with him but I can’t seem to get him off video games. We’ve lived together for awhile and he’s always played games. But he always took time out of his day to do something with me. But as the relationship progresses, he seems to just not care. I don’t want to say he doesn’t talk to me, he does. Just about his games and work. I try to bring up other things but it doesn’t work. Even sex has become an issue. He says he’s too lazy and tired to have sex, which I understand. But everyday? I miss all the romantic times we used to have together. I can’t even get him to watch a movie with me. He used to suggest watching movies with me all the time. I remember when he looked at me randomly and would call me beautiful. Now it’s more of a good night beautiful. Which feels like he doesn’t mean it, he’s just used to saying it. I mean sometimes he opens up the car door for me or holds my hand in the car, which gives me so much joy! I just wish it was more often. Of course I tell him all these things, he says he will change, but it hasn’t. I’m pretty sure I’ve brought it up several times. Not to mention, we argue 24/7.. to the point where he wants to leave and I don’t care if he does. Also, he has a very bad anger problem that runs in his family. He swears he will never hit me per say.. but he has hurt me physically many times. Every time he feels extremely bad and says he’s no good for me. Which, in fact, makes me feel even worse for causing an argument. I look forward to your input. Thanks.
Hi Chelsea! This is a very in-depth question, perfect for the private consultation service available in the new members area. It’s a bit too long for me to address as a blog comment. I love your involvement with the material I post here, but to get a guaranteed response to your personal questions, please use the private consultation service. It’s better for these kinds of questions.
James
can and do men have relationships without sex before marriage and what if you met and know someone, how would you get him to call you without making it obvious?
Yes, of course men can and do have relationships without sex before marriage (just like women who date them). That has been the dominant tradition of most cultures for 100s of years despite what the media likes to popularize for the sake of selling their TV shows with sex. It all depends on the cultural/religious subgroup of men you interact with.
Regarding your second question, just stay subscribed to my emails and you will get lots of tips about priming his interest in pursuing a relationship with you.
Only total disregard for yourself leads you to love but real love happens only when reciprocate!
Very interesting insights. I am looking forward to your articles and tools. It is interesting to me to learn other approaches and to be open-minded. I want to be the best woman and lover that I can be.
I like your attitude. The mindset of a winner (and a great catch). 🙂
James
My guy and I had such good times! We never argued, always had a great time on trips, etc. I almost dread the good times because when we have a great time together he immediately pulls back. That just happened again and although he told me that I am everything he is wanting in a woman, there’s this big BUT…and now has pulled back yet again. Says he’s not sure what he really wants and I am at a place that I’m not sure if I will be there when he is finally sure. This back and forth is getting old! Any suggestions???
Hi Linda. If I’ve understood you right, you are really enjoying this relationship. If that’s the case, time is on your side. Nothing really needs to change for you to have a great life and enjoy this relationship.
However, reading between the lines, I’m guessing there’s something you’re not satisfied with. Maybe he is not in a relationship exclusively with you, or maybe he is not ready to commit to building something with you on purpose (as opposed to just letting things happen). Given the great chemistry and positive interactions you both had, I recommend you give this relationship time and remove the pressure from yourself (and him) to figure things out. Sometimes time and a lack of pressure allows a relationship to bypass a stuck point.