Which is better? To avoid mistakes altogether, or to watch for your mistakes, expecting them on a daily basis?
The answer may surprise you.
Back in the 90’s, IBM built a computer called Deep Blue. It played chess. In 1997, it actually beat Garry Kasparov, a world champion. Unlike human players who rely on intuition, it worked by calculating thousands of potential moves every second. And, it was good enough to take down a human world champion.
In contrast, TD-Gammon is a computer program that plays another classic game–backgammon. But instead of being pre-programmed with an extensive knowledge-base, it’s programmed to simply learn from its mistakes. Each time it plays someone, it makes adjustments to its strategies based on what worked and what didn’t.
When Deep Blue was fired up for its now famous match against Kasparov, programmers had to use a crazy-complex cooling system just to keep the thing running. It takes a lot of power to shuffle through every possible move every second! TD-Gammon, on the other hand, becomes more efficient the more it plays. Like a person, it learns from its mistakes and becomes a better player over time.
So, which is better?
In theory, Deep Blue didn’t make mistakes, but it couldn’t learn, either. Said another way, it would never get any better. That’s true because mistakes, while painful, are how we grow.
Granted, making mistakes in a game is one thing. Making mistakes in a relationship is something else. Dating mistakes can be particularly painful. They have the potential to lead to very real set-backs, so the natural reaction is to work very, very hard to avoid them.
So hard that, like Deep Blue, you’re almost always on the verge of overheating.
Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck has spent the bulk of her career studying this very thing. She’s discovered that school children who don’t feel pressured to always be right tend to view learning as a growth process. And guess what? They’re far more likely to excel. Unlike kids who think their grades define their value, “growers” don’t hold back. Instead, they embrace risk, expecting to make mistakes along the way.
Do “growers” sometimes miss the mark? You bet. But, they understand that’s a part of life. It doesn’t mean they aren’t successful. It just means they have more to learn.
What an amazing approach to relationship that can be.
I’ll be candid. In dating, and in life, you’re going to make mistakes. I don’t care how smart you are. No one is perfect. Because mistakes are painful, a lot of people work very hard to avoid them. They shy away from risks because the idea of screwing up is just too much to bear.
But, they shortchange themselves.
You can’t grow without messing up from time to time. Mistakes, even in relationships, don’t mean you’re broken or flawed. They mean you’re human. The healthiest approach is to expect shortcomings. And when you fall short, don’t waste time and energy beating yourself up over it. Instead, resolve to learn from it.
Over time, that will make you a better partner, and a better person. Plus, you’ll be able to ditch the stress that comes with thinking you have to get everything right.
The next time you feel you’re mucking it up in your relationship, go easy on yourself. Give yourself and your partner permission to make mistakes. And when the inevitable mistake happens, humbly view it as an opportunity to learn and grow. Regardless of who caused the pain, look for the hidden gems of insight that emerge from every single new experience.
Needed this right now. Mostly I am a grower… I can remember this even in relationships and I can apologize and change.
And yet.
Right now, I don’t know what I don’t know. Thought things were going really well with a guy, who all of a sudden has stopped reading my texts. We use WhatsApp, so I know he signs on when I send them and sees who sent it… but then he never goes back and reads it.
He has done this one other time and I went full woman on him. That was one of the things I apologized for.
He told me that he was just reallllly busy then…and since then he’s always checked in a reasonable amount of time considering how busy I’m aware he is. He doesn’t respond a lot (but what I send often doesn’t require a response), but he does nearly always check and read the message within let’s day 2 hours or less, I’d say his average is prob 20-30 min which I think is reasonable…I doubt I’m that good with messages, for most people.
But now, he checks (so he still wants to know), but he’s refusing to read them / turn the checks blue. So far as I know all was good…the only thing I can say is this pattern seems to be when he’s “personal busy” (with the kids or whatnot) versus work busy. So… maybe there’s a lot of shit going on right now and he truly can’t find a good time. I am a bit skeptical of that, but I suppose it’s a possibility.
What I’m worried about is that possibly I did something to piss him off. If so, this time I have ZERO idea what it could be. Well, maybe some vague ideas but all quite vague and none of them really pass the logic test. We’re both logical people, and I’d think that if he merely misread one of my texts and got its opposite meaning he’d say to himself “She wouldn’t say that” and go back and re-read it more carefully. He’s known me for a long time…he knows my character. So I can’t imagine he wouldn’t give me that much benefit of the doubt, especially because he gives me benefit of the doubt when most people wouldn’t sometimes. His forgiveness is immediate and complete, and often happens prior to my apology. (Not that I’m apologizing all the time, I’m really not…it just stood out because I’m from a home that’s bigger on shame and penance than immediate and complete forgiveness.)
So anyhow, I really have no idea what I’ve done to cause him to completely stop reading my texts. Last text I sent I asked him if I could share something with him…and also mentioned that while I usually just assume he’s busy when he’s this unavailable, that right now I’m telling myself a story that I must have done something to upset him if he’s ignoring me this completely, and if that’s correct to please let me know what it was so I can put it right. He hasn’t read the message. And frankly, hasn’t been on WA very much, so … that thing about the schedule, it COULD be real.
I’m thinking I’ll give him until mid-next week and give it another try. I’m not even sure what to say. Just ask “RU mad at me?” or “Pls tell me what I did” or ask if HE’s ok (I’ve gotten the feeling something isn’t, that has little to do with me, since I last saw him…so not sure)? I just don’t know why this sudden turn and what to say/ do. Praying about it a lot. This is someone I’d want in my life in any capacity…who I think is worth it if you kwim.
I know you really like this guy but are you thinking straight ?
You want him to answer you so badly and he isn’t responding !
This may sound harsh but how about you distance yourself.
Tell him you feel that he needs space and you do too! Say ur not responding so I get that. Then I would wait for him to come back to me ! Men like the chase. You are making it too easy and so therefore he may not feel the need to contact you as you are always there ! If he comes back to you then great ! You know for sure he’s into you ! If he doesn’t then I feel there is ur answer ! You think it’s your fault ……….. it isn’t. He’s playing with you. Make him get back to you! Don’t put yourself in a position where it’s always you doing the apologising or the txting.
If you read James articles then you would know that this is the right way to go. You are not breaking up with him. You are putting the ball back in his court. Let him run with it for a change !
Obviously your decision but that’s what I would do. You are a prize to be won ! Let him win you
Hi Jinny,
I couldn’t find a way to “like” your answer once I clicked on it to comment, but I do. 🙂 You are so correct and that is exactly how I’d have answered myself, ha.
That said…oh jeez, I forgot I posted this here..I put it in one other space. SO, I forgot to update.
I did back off. And about 3 days before I was going to try one last reach out… he got back on. He’d somehow accidentally turned off his WA message notifications so wasn’t seeing any, of course, which would also explain why he wasn’t checking it much at all. I know this *could* be a lie… but I’ve accidentally caught him in the truth before in situations like these when I suspected a lie, several times…so I tend to believe him. He’s never had a problem telling me stuff I don’t want to hear. Plus…I’m a big phone klutz. One of the things I did shortly before this was accidentally disappear our entire thread… so, looks like we’ve got phone klutziness in common lol.
Anyhow, he’s been reaching out himself a bit since. I think he felt bad. But thought I should put this update here since things have changed. Thing is, I KNEW I shouldn’t worry…he’s consistently come back over and over again. I know how busy he is, I’ve seen into that world firsthand. But I let my imagination run away with me this time. Sheesh, self-confidence and self-assurance can be difficult at times (esp that time of the cycle).
But thank you…you are exactly (mostly) correct.
This topic couldn’t have come at a better time!! I have been struggling with being a “perfect” partner and this has given me some growing room. I will be sure to share this with him as well, maybe take stress off him as well 🙂
Thank you,
J
I think it’s pretty rad that you send these emails. It’s very motivational and often presents a point of view that is over looked. It’s so easy to get caught on a simple situation and forget everything else. I don’t know if there’s any save in my situation (and unfortunately I can’t afford to do a one on one) but I’d just like to say thanks for providing these helpful words. An outside perspective is always the best, thanks James.
I appreciate that, Ashley!
James
I enjoy reading your articles and they make a lot of sense to me, but when ever I get involved with a man, it always starts out like gangbusters, he wants to call all the time, get things moving very fast and no matter how I try to keep things balanced, and take things easy, I inevitably take my queue from him and begin to trust what he is saying and fall for it every time, only to experience his cooling off in a very short time. I wish I could break this pattern and let things take their natural course, without thinking that if I don’t give in to his needs and wants that I’ll still keep his interest anyway…Any suggestions…Patricia
Hi Patricia. You ask a very broad question that cannot be easily answered without a lot of extra detail and background info. These patterns you have spoken of probably have something to do with the pace of the relationship, but there may be more than that. You might want to check in with one of our relationship coaches.
This is a very powerful article … it’s so profound. This is like a bible.
Thanks, James Bauer!
Cheers!
Thank you James, very helpful.
James
The womb I was conceived in didn’t want children so I was the weakest link. Our brains are genie… I put together we are genie…us’s lol uses…we should be useful to one another…..meaning hive mentality not gang mentality. Narcissist parents can very quickly put out the light of learning for those unfortunate enough to be born from one but never the spark of said GENIE…thanks so much for helping my brain see what I have just said from a different perspective by your brilliant use of the language called English… in the beginning was the Word and all that jazz….mwa big big love, peace and blessings to you my friend for holding my hand while I put the last piece in the jigsaw I had no picture for and have been trying to put together since that woman who birthed me snatched my tongue off me at five….phe!!! I made it this far like you said the potential of a computer that learns continually has much to offer in the long run unlike one that has to be reprogrammed also cheaper than chips….. I like this what do the collective think? Any comments welcome… Christ crucified is better than a reasonable man, a reasonable man is better than a man with manners, a man with manners is better than a man with none, a man with none is better than a man who thinks he’s got some but hasn’t and a man who has room for manners but don’t know how they work yet is better off than all!, simple really?!? Because, you see, unless we crucify the inner selfish ulterior motive that can drive our journey we will always be like the man who thinks he’s got manners cos he learned them by rote when really he’s going round and round the same negative cycle, because he’s not open to those who challenge his “oh so fragile”, existence. However the man who has got room for manners wants to learn, has always got the courage and is brave enough to harness the goals and ambitions of his highest self and things he’s only dreamed about in order to reach his full potential!! Just like your computer’s really!! I love learning that’s why I believe in Eternity! dear one? There is so much to learn every day. Ahhh pure joy. Hope you enjoyed my company as much as I enjoyed you popping up on here with such wise words. Much respect and kind regards. Stevie
Hello there,
The third time I visited the man 300 miles away that wanted me to be his girl and move in with him after our 6 weeks talking everyday, having several friends in common – but had an eye surgery to i visit and helped nursed – but I was tired and got teary when I noticed a photo of him with his ex framed out… I felt worried that he was cruel or wondered if he was forgetful… he said he was forgetful.
this past visit he wasn’t as affectionate and when I asked him about it said that…
but he was the three visits before.
he still calls me once or twice a day and it has been 2 and a half months.
we haven’t had the relationship direction talk yet. and now I already feel hurt again…
any kindly advice?
I feel I’ve been too available due to his surgery etc.
Now he isn’t making a date for our next LDR visit.
Thanks!
Hi Ann. I would not say you have been “too available,” but maybe you have been doing too much of the pursuing. For a LDR to work, he’s going to have to pursue you as much as you pursue him. I suggest you let go of control, relax a bit about the direction of the relationship, and see if he steps up to show you he really wants more of what the two of you have been sharing.
Also, you might benefit from getting some clarity about what you really need and want from the relationship? Does he even know? Do you know? Having a direction in mind is crucial. It helps you to know whether or not he is the right person to pursue a relationship with.
James
Hi James Bauer,
I have been married to my husband for 7years now we have one child and expecting one the way yes they both are my husbands kids but what im trying to say that my husband has been confiding more and more with his ex girlfriends and with other women than he is with me when I go and ask him why hes so comfortable talking and confiding with them and other women besides his family than he is to me and he just keeps saying that hes got nothing to say to me and why don’t I just be his wife and only his wife instead of trying to know what is always wrong with him but its like there’s always a mood change with him I ended up leaving him to sort it out but before I would always ask him if he’s okay does he talk about it now I just leave it for him to sort out but I went to snoop in his phone and he has been texting and calling his ex girlfriend the one that called him on the day he was getting married to me lately he has been close to her with texting and calling and it starts over again should I just leave it and let take it own course and just be prepared for what’s going to come up? Ive tried the other solution and he would just shut down and be defensive of the idea I have just come up and we will end up arguing I want to be able to be on the right page with him but its like he’s scared to let me in when we together but when we apart we can talk and have conversation without arguing what should I do? Ive tried listening to others but knowing that we got kids also that makes it even more hard to give up on what we got or if we still have it.
What if he breaks his word and yesterday broke a promise? Should I count this as a growing learning experience for him and me and just expect it’ll get better?
Kami,
That depends a lot on how he is reacting to this. Is he apologetic? It also depends a lot on what his motivation was for deceiving you or failing to keep his word.
This is great insight, but my question is what are you to do when you don’t know what mistakes you’ve made and he certainly wont tell you. He would rather walk away and give up than put the issues and mistakes on the table to be worked on.
Diana, unfortunately, in this situation it is his mistakes, not yours, that are destroying the relationship. Hurt feelings, different desires, and natural frustrations with entwining two lives will always lead to snags in the relationship. But being unwilling to address them and work on them is a mistake he is making that has the power to veto any efforts you make. This is his mistake and you cannot correct it. Sorry. Find someone more insightful to go after. I wish there was a better answer, but that’s my perspective.
James
I feel so much better. If we grow through all of our relationship mistakes, than I must be a sage.
“then”, not “than” (I hate it when I use poor grammar!)
😀
Thank u james for this info.
Well expressed James, and I also have noticed that those who need to be perfect have jaw issues, they grind teeth, jaw gets tighter, braces are necessary, and loosening up saves a lot on dental work 🙂
I’m feeling better about myself…less relationship stress and more optimistict after reading this.
Thank you James for another jewel!
~Maggie
Great!n 😀
I have to say reading all of these comments makes me sad and gives a feeling of damned if you do and damned if you don’t! I had a good marriage of 40 years and after he passed away and I felt lost for a few years. Then I made an effort to start living again. It felt like I was out of prison. We never argued or had deep discussions a out how we felt. I knew he loved me by the things he did for me and he would tell people how much I mean t to him. But I put myself on a shelf all those years always considering everyone else, him, kids the way that mom’s do. Now I regret never asking hard questions, never saying what I think. For what, to always keep the peace. Now I’m free and happy and probably a train wreck with guys, but I say what I think and I feel like I’m my.iwn person, true to myself. After our oldest daughter died in a car wreck he wanted a divorce and kept saying he was moving out. I waited 2 months for him to do so. He said one.more month till his new apt was ready. I finally after 25 years had had enough. I told him to take his clothes and his things and leave now, not another minute! Get out now! He left and I felt incredible relief. He was back in a week with his head in his hands and we had 30 more years of a better marriage. But the transformation was not complete. Now I’m finally my.own person the same.perdon I was when we met and he couldn’t stop chasing me. Holding on to yourself is critical, losing yourself for another person does not make the relationship better. Is it worth it to wait 40 years to find yourself again. I have men younger than myself chasing.me and I still have to keep reminding myself not to get lost again! That’s how we’re programmed ladies. Be vigilant. Joy, and yes I’m happy!