Janice wasn’t trying to snoop. She was just looking up movie times. Her phone was in the other room, so she grabbed Brad’s off the coffee table.
But before she could fire up his browser and do a quick internet search, he got a text message from someone named Cheryl.
“Last night was unexpected!” That was it.
He said he was working late last night. Some kind of sales meeting. Immediately, Janice felt worry settle in. She’d been cheated on before, and she didn’t like the idea of living through that nightmare again.
But things seemed to be going well with Brad. If she questioned him about the message, it could send him running.
What to do? Ask him about it even if it freaks him out? Or let it go and leave herself at risk?
Particularly in the beginning stages of a relationship, there are all kinds of opportunities to doubt the other person. After all, that’s when trust is still in its fledgling stages.
Vague little things, like a text message or something you spot in his apartment, or his erratic schedule, can leave you feeling suspicious. Before long, you slip into a mindset of apprehension, even when the evidence is paper thin.
There’s a better way to handle these kinds of situations.
According to a Swedish proverb, “Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.” In my mind, I picture a mouse standing in a doorway. His shadow looms on the wall across the room, a huge, dark spot in spite of his small stature.
That’s what worry does to us. It distorts what we see. More often than not, the shadow of worry is bigger than the problem itself. That’s because worry changes you. And in a relationship, the effect is rarely positive.
When you worry about his faithfulness (or anything else about the relationship), you end up preoccupied in every interaction you have with him. You’ll be distracted when you talk to him. You won’t be as chipper or positive as normal. You’ll seem far away and detached. Even if you’re good at hiding your feelings, it will almost certainly show.
The result is emotional distance. And a lot of guys won’t even ask about it. They’ll just assume you’re losing interest, which will feed your sense of worry, and the vicious cycle keeps on going until the relationship fails.
Don’t let worry do that to you.
When you’re concerned, even early on in a relationship, you have two choices. Either make a firm decision to give him the benefit of the doubt, or ask him directly about the situation. Trust him or talk to him.
It’s as simple as that. Men tend to favor direct communication. Most guys will appreciate a direct approach if you have questions. And if you can just let the worry go. Because that’s even better.
Whichever approach you take, don’t let the shadow of worry become a third wheel in your relationship. When that happens, you lose. You lose whether or not the worry was legit.
Instead of worrying, meet it head on. Make a firm decision to either believe the best or ask him to explain.
Nine times out of ten, that enormous shadow only represents a mouse-size problem.
James
I am currently in the early stages of getting a divorce. My marriage has been over for 10 years, since my second son was born. My ex and I have not shared a room since then. I stayed in the marriage for my 2 sons and because I could not face the fall out.
I the last 2 years I have become very close friends with a neighbour. He is single and from the first time we met, we just clicked. It became apparent 6 months ago that our friendship was turning into more. This was also the time I discussed separation with my ex. As much as the timing seems coincidental I was not leaving my husband to start a new relationship. My friend and I had not talked about our feelings at this point but I knew I could not continue living with my ex as things had got to the point where I could not live like this anymore.
Since then, my friend and I have fallen in love. We have not taken the relationship further except we are in contact daily. The problem is my friend feels guilty and awkward. He feels bad for my ex and for my kids. I have told him that he is not the reason for my decision to divorce but it doesn’t matter what I say, he can’t help feeling how he does. Also, when I first met him 2 years ago he had come out of a bad relationship and always said he was happy being single and didn’t feel like he would want a relationship again. He has depression at times and I think he feels that his mental health is something that always affects his relationships.
I love this man in a way I’ve never loved someone before and I believe that sometimes we meet people for a reason. I know he loves me but I am afraid that his past experiences will be a barrier for us to move forward.
My ex has suggested ‘bird nesting’ as a way of looking after the kids. It means that the kids stay in the marital home and the parents take it in turns to live in the house. I don’t think this will work as it doesn’t cut ties clearly. I would find it hard to move on and as I have been in a loveless marriage for so long I feel that I deserve to be happy, whether it is with my friend or someone else.
It’s a complicated situation and I need some guidance and support. Can anyone relate to what is going on here?
Actually, I have two sets of friends who have done exactly that… The bird nesting concept. It becomes all about the kids instead of the adults. They are in their home in their own room and they don’t have to be jostled about every other weekend and every Wednesday or whatever it is. You might give it a try and if it doesn’t work, you could figure something out. Cutting ties is important for you but really, y’all should be trying to accommodate the kids as much as you can. Enjoy the relationship with the neighbor but I wouldn’t push anything. I’m sure it’s nice to be in love again but it may not stand the test of time. He might just be a rebound man! Hang in there
Thank you.
It was helpful to hear your opinion.
So I was reading an article that n Medium the other day and the woman writing it said she and her husband are doing this. They purchased a small apartment away from the house and they take turns every other week coming to stay at the house with the kids. She said it works well for the kids and that she actually feels comforted by the fact that her ex has been there. She didn’t mention anything about a boyfriend so I’m not sure that they’re actively dating anyone after being divorced but she said it works well. Idk…it could be worth a shot. My husband and I have also been talking about divorce. I found the concept to be quite interesting. Since divorce is hard for kids, moving between households, they have more stability. I get your point as well though. If you guys can work it out it could be a good thing. But also, you need to think about the fact that your neighbor is right there. It could be nice while you are staying at the house but might be weird for him when you’re not. But it also sounds like both of you will need to do some work on yourselves before moving into a full blown relationship with each other. After much research on my own and going through a marriage coaching program, it’s best to make sure you both are good as autonomous humans before getting into anything serious since he already has some hang-ups. But I totally get your situation and completely non-judgmental. It happens to a lot of married couples.
That’s interesting. Thank you for your support and advice.
My husband has a narcissistic personality and I have been trying to break free for a long time. After years of councilling I understand that I can’t change his personality, all I can do is protect myself and my children.
I absolutely can relate to as far as my ex wanting to “bird nest” supposedly “for the kid(s.) I didn’t have a new love interest for the simple fact that was WHY he wanted us to continue living together when I had my visitation with my son 3 weekends each month. I allowed him to stay at my apartment for about 2 months worth of “my” weekends with my son. My advice is if you have any hope at all of moving forward and into a loving, fulfilling relationship-with your friend or anyone else for that matter-any type of “nesting” whatsoever is going to put an abrupt STOP TO IT. The only reason my ex essentially used my son (he would ask me to “just stay here until I can get him his bath, you could even just do it for me, your sooooo much better at it than I am!”/”well, if your already done with his bath, please just stay here until I get him to sleep,” and then it would be “too late” for me to go home alone….And when I FINALLY got my own apartment, he would just say it didnt make sense for him to “drive all the way home
just to come back in like, 48 hours, so I’m just gonna crash here….” ) manipulated me into literally still LIVING TOGETHER AS THOUGH WE WERE STILL A COUPLE over 2 years after we had officially broken up (the last 2 months of which I had my own apartment!) was that he knew that I couldn’t very well be meeting anyone new, much less invite them to come to my place when my place was the same as HIS PLACE. And I allowed it ” for my son’s sake” when in actuality, all it did was HURT AND CONFUSE MY SON BECAUSE DUH! OUR ACTIONS (living together, spending all our time together, etc. )DIDNT ALIGN WITH WHAT WE WERE TELLING HIM!-That Mommy and Daddy had decided to separate! MOVE OUT AND THEN MOVE ON AND PURSUE THE LOVE TOU DESERVE!
Thank you so much for your reply. I can feel your frustration through your message.
It is what I think too.
Boundaries become blurred all too easily.
I appreciate you taking the time to write to me.
Thank you for giving us your story and that perspective. It’s not something I had really thought about as well.
I’ll be the one to break from the others, but I’ve heard bird nesting is great as a concept but not in reality. Some say the original home doesn’t feel like a home, even for the kids, but more like an airbnb. Idk, I’ve read a lot of negative things about it. I would not want this if I divorce because I want to start a new life, with my own place and stuff. I’ve also read it’s actually not that great for the kids either because the house becomes very impersonal.
I signed up for “be irresistible”
I had been in a relationship for 15 yrs… my boyfriend lived with his elderly mom and took care of her…
I bought a house with my (Down syndrome) son and take care of him.
So my boyfriend would come over in the evenings and spend a couple hours with me and my son. We had a great thing going… we always said we wouldn’t get married until something happened to his mom or my son needing to be put in a nursing home or whatever… but things didn’t turn out that way…
My boyfriend died in his sleep of a heart attack… ( sadly his mom had to find him 😭
That was 3 yrs ago since he passed away… we were together 15 yrs!
We had spent our wknds together hanging out, shopping etc…
Now 3 yrs later I’m feeling alone and want a companion…
I am enjoying reading every ones stories and The helpful suggestions.
So I’m hoping someone can reach out to me!
I’m a young almost 63 yr old ( my boyfriend was a few yrs younger than me)
How do I get out and meet the right kind of guy?
I actually talked to a customer at work ( I’m a grocery store cashier)
Instantly I felt a connection and want to let him know I would like to see him and maybe go on a date?
But he lives in another town ( not too far away) and I know this because my good friend knows him and his family. He has his own place and is not seeing anyone…
My friend does not have his phone number…
But he came in my line at the grocery store one day and asked “ How is your daughter doing?”
( my grown daughter had an aneurysm in her aorta)
It was a very scary time for us!
He must have over heard me talking to another customer or friend the last time he was in. So I know he’s a kind caring person!!
BUT I never see him anymore! I work different days and hours…
One day He DID come shopping while I was working (but not at my register)
I missed him😟
I guess when the time is right maybe I will see him again!
I have a question… is it ok to give my girlfriend ( the one that went to school with him and works with me)
my phone number to give to this guy if she sees him again?
Or should I just wait and let fate happen??
Thanks, Karen
I think it”s Ok… I dont know… but mainly I would do it. I would give my friend my phone number to give to him when she has the chance…
I would just wait because we are still together I talked to him tonight .
I think it is a good idea to reach out to your friend to give him your number. You can make the first move to let him know you are interested, then the ball is in his court. If he calls then he is interested and can ask you out. If he doesn’t call, then you know he was just being friendly and is not interested in dating. Don’t chase him after this. Let it lie as you showed interest and then let him be the man.
100% agree. He’s probably just being kind. Don’t assume it’s more and don’t do anything other than maybe giving your number to share. Then ball is in his court
Wait and let fate happen…. Let him think about you, when he shops at your store……
Life is too short to sit and wait for the things you want to be a part of it to just fall into your lap, live your life with INTENTION AND GIVE YOUR FRIEND YOUR NUMBER FOR THIS GUY!! Then, pray for God’s timing to be in alignment with yours! Good luck 👍
Hello James
So I experienced a similar situation in the article. Except I picked up his phone based on intuition and went through it myself. I confronted him and he said I hurt him and broke his trust. I apologized and did whatever it took to make it work. He stopped talking to me, and said he was putting his wall back up. He made me come pack my stuff up. I told him I felt like he was breaking up with me. He said no he wouldn’t go that far. Then he started saying he wanted a break. A month later (last week) he broke up with me. He says he has his own issues he needs to deal with but he will always be in my life.
Well James my name is Michelle and I have been reading your books I went through my husband phone and I’ve been asking him to spend time with me for a while and when I went to his email he’s been watching porn everyday for years sometimes 3 times a day we go to work at 6:15 he’s on porn 627 but he won’t have sex with me and I am so hurt right now I have not slept in the same room with him for a month now
Wow, I said something to him about his spoiled brat kids all grandkids., we were in bed. He got mad at me. It’s been four years now. He said he don’t want to sleep with or have sex., again it’s been four years!
I asked my boyfriend why we stopped being intimate and he says he doesn’t want it anymore?
This is exactly what happened to me as well. We were together for a little over a year.
Very similar happened to me. But I contacted the person. Why? Because that type of person are sociopath narcissistic. They will make you feel guilty and it is your fault. And that they will always love you so you there in case they need you. Lies lies lies. He was cheating on me. And I’m sure you weren’t wrong. Trust your instincts. And I’m sure he truly was cheating on you and took advantage of the situation to get rid of you and dedicate himself to the other one
Hi Jasmine, I have had a similar experience, I noticed a woman’s name in passing on my man’s phone so when his back was turned I looked at his phone and saw what looked to me like flirting between him and this woman. Turns out I was wrong, but I had betrayed his trust and he found it hard to keep going with me. Fortunately he managed to forgive me and we’re good again, apart from the grief he’s going through from losing someone close to him.
Hi I have a question. I hurt my bf and unfortunately he has been hurt in the same way by several important women in his life. He said he doesn’t know if he has the courage to give me another chance and is starting to emotionally distance himself. Any advice of ways I can help him to see that I’m not them and he can trust me?
I did this and discovered that my husband had been having inappropriate text messages with a woman that I had concerns with for years. We are in counseling now and are working through it but I say trust your gut and snoop if you have any worries
There is this new guy that I started dating 3 months back, he only cares to call me when he is in need of sex and when he is done satisfying himself he hardly calls or texts me. When I call he doesn’t pick up my calls, when I text he doesn’t reply and when I pinged him online on whatsApp or messenger he hardly replies.
The last time I asked him why he was doing this he told me that he is a very busy man. I think there is no love in this, only sexual attraction. I don’t know what to do, should I ignore him?
Hi Hajara,
It sounds like a very painful situation. I want to recommend a report that James has written on how to tell if you are his Backup Girl and also a blog post on Flaky Behavior. I hope these are helpful to you!
Best wishes,
Tracey
Absolutely walk away, no run away. You are only his unpaid for sex toy. You must be good or he would not keep coming back for free samples. Go find a really nice guy who will give back to you. You deserve it.
Hajara, you said you “think” there is no love, just sex. Truer words were never spoken. What I say next may sound cruel, but is not. Stop seeing him immediately. Three months with sex is not enough time to even establish an emotional and intellectual connection. All you know is that he likes sex (all men do). I am always shocked at how quickly women today hop into bed with no connection, no commitment. Don’t these women have any respect for themselves? You need to work on that, and find out why you are so quick to give access to your body to a guy who probably couldn’t tell you the color of your eyes. Busy men will find time for a committed relationship, take you out on a real date, spend money on you, CALL you instead of hiding behind texts, and treat you like a queen. Sadly, he is treating you the way you have trained him to treat you–like a whore. You are not that, but that is what he sees. Are you that desperate to have a man in your life? Establish a new rule–no sex before the 10th date, if that. The riff-raff will disappear quickly. Real men looking for a relationship will stick around and pursue you, not expect you to be his on-call booty call. You need to learn that women who sleep around are not respected by men. To answer your own question, yes, ignore him and make NO further contact with him. You need to start putting yourself first, and learning how real guys treat women. Expect to be treated like a queen and you will be. If you aren’t, back to the drawing board as to what you are doing to attract such undesirables.
I have been in a relationship for 6 yrs. The 1st 2 years we were strictly friends and did things together. Then we became partners for 4 years. Last winter he was distant to me, no sex. I found out he was texting his old girlfriend of 24 yrs ago. I asked him if something was wrong. No of course. So I looked on his phone, and there it was in black and white. He was very into her, telling her he still loved her and wanted to take her on a trip…on and on. After a few days of being crushed, never expecting this, I confronted him. He denied it. Even when I told him i knew and to come clean he still denied it! I literally had to show him on his phone. He said he was sorry and that it was a stupid thing he did. And it was really one sided (his). He wanted to try to make things work. After about a month I told him o.k.
He has absolutely done nothing to make it work. No kissing hugging, sex. He said he couldn’t perform anymore. He had trouble before this, but that didn’t stop him from trying. He says he is not an emotional person. True but if he wanted to work it out he would try. Its now 5 months later and nothing has changed. I asked him where he’s at and his reply was I’m 70 years old and don’t know what I want. He said sometimes I think I need a change. Then he retracted that. He says he is selfish. I asked him what he was feeling and he said nothing.
Id talked to a few close friends and a counselor. They say he must not have had a very good childhood. His friend says he has never been good in relationships.
It’s really confusing after all this time. We never fight and do so much together. I don’t get it.
Lee, you hit the nail right on the head. Women must learn not only to respect themselves but to also love who they are. If you cannot love yourself, how can you expect to receive and to truly love someone else.
It doesn’t cost him anything for you to love him. You are always available when he wants you. You need to realize your own self worth.
Go out and meet other people. Get busy with a life of your own. Go to movies, museums, art galleries or area pubs where you can meet new people. You are worthy of more than just a pit stop. Good luck.
Perhaps time will heal all pain. Give him space, but don’t stop reaching out to him. When you’re needed the most, be there!! Often call just to say “I was thinking about you, just called to say hi”.
I don’t mean to sound insensitive but I’m still going to give it to you straight up…To him, (in my opinion) you’re an option not a priority. Actually it sounds like you’ve become simply a booty call to him. I’m sure that wasn’t your intention and you are feeling confused about how this came to be your reality but sometimes it just happens. If you’re not ok with being only that to him… my advice to you would be to move on…block all contact with him! The sooner (like right now) the better!
I was in a similar situation. We broke it off and I started dating others, but after 3 months the original boyfriend started texting (I waited a planned 3-5 hours to respond). He then asked me out on a date, of course I was busy! After another week, he asked me out again and I said yes. Please realize about 3-4 months had passed from our breakup. He was a different person on our date, treated me like a princess (no, we didn’t sleep together)! He started texting and returning text in record time, but I still wait an appropriate 2-3 hours! We have now gone on 5-6 dates and he’s still that amazing person! It’s not a game, but we can’t appear to be sitting by the phone waiting for him. PS; he did go to the hospital during this time, and for that reason I text back within 2-3 minutes. Thankfully he is fine and we are on course to being happy!!!
Yes, ignore him.
Run like hell…you deserve better. Hanging on will only hurt you emotionally and make you weary of a legitimate nice guy down the road! Respect yourself enough to walk away. The guy for you won’t be this hard to spend time with. Do yourself a favor and block him!
Ummmm. YES. He’s totally using you for sex. But don’t just “ignore” him because that implies it’s only temporary. Salvage your dignity and cut off all communication. Block his number. He’s been very clear about his intentions. You’re just not getting the message. (And no, you don’t need to tell him your plan. Just walk away).
I have a problem with my boyfriend’s grownup divorced daughter taking the wife roll with her dad.. Mary took care of her ailing mother as a young child until her mother was placed in a home because she had become a quadriplegic. She eventually died and 3 years ago I met Mat. We have become close, spending weeks traveling together on vacation. I sometimes stay in his home for 3-4 days at a time because i live quite a distance from him. Now Mary stops in at the house at least 3-4 times a week and stays late into the evening. I have no privacy with him in his house. My own children always call before they come over to my house. What can I say or do to end these constant visits without him thinking I don’t want her around?
Some people find it helpful to express a negative as a positive request. Like, “I want more of you, and I trust your judgement so I’d like to see what thoughts you have about creating more alone time together without hurting Mary’s feelings.” Sometimes people like their own ideas better than the ones we propose to them.
Thank you for that advice. I can see why it would work!
James,
Thank you for a great article…I will now see my worries, when they show up, as a mouse…and to give my man the benefit of a doubt. He does that for me!!
I wish I would have read this when it came out. I’ve been experiencing this for a couple of months now in my new relationship of 5 months and I wish I would have left things alone. We’ve known each other for years though and I thought he could be trusted.
I too had a heartbreaking history of being cheated on in a couple of prior relationships so there were signs that I automatically key into. Nothing worried me about our relationship at first until 3 months in, he got a text one morning from a girl saying she misses him and still dreams about him. I saw it because it was face up on the table while he was in another room (his phone kept going off from several ppl including her). I told him I saw it and he told me their history (which he severely downplayed according to what I saw recently) and that I had nothing to worry about, how he only wanted to be with me & loved me etc.
A month later he was sitting next to me and I saw where she was in text history. When things bother me it shows on my face and in my demeanor, and he picked up on it. I finally addressed it bc he said he was worried about me and wondering if I was ok. He admitted that he may need to me more direct with her about their contact with one another but he did tell her he was “seeing someone”. Just seeing someone doesn’t justify the depth of our relationship but I told him he needed to make it clear and establish boundaries if they were to keep contact (he even said he was uncomfortable talking to her….so tell her to buzz off right!?) He was still talking to her apparently but he did tell her that he was with someone. She got really upset and at one point they had discussed talking over the phone. She got upset and he asked if she wanted to talk to him or not. She said she didn’t see how him seeing someone else pertained to her and basically blew up at him, he retorted with saying they had been done for months and asked what she expected. She said on multiple occasions that she still loves him and misses him. He never responded back. Thank god…
More recently, a coworker of his has been pretty chatty with him outside of work related things (when she texts him he says “she must be bored, she always texts me and is never talking about anything” blah blah. Well again on the couch next to him I saw her text to mid a work related convo–amongst her telling him how amazing he is etc— that she had a secret; he said he was curious and I was positive she told him she liked him. I had access to his phone yesterday and I confirmed it…she told him she liked him and had kept it secret for months. He never said lets keep it professional (she works under him) and he never mentioned having a girlfriend. She asked him out to drinks and dinner last week and instead of saying no thanks, I’m in a relationship he said he had to check his schedule bc he had something to do. He was supposed to be linking up with the guys to celebrate something but he wasn’t 100% when he told me about it.
I also saw where he text some other girl he knew from college about being home for the holidays the week of thanksgiving and mentioned enjoying the single life and single fatherhood (he has a kid from his last relationship, not the 1st girl I mentioned from the texts). We’ve never taken breaks and never broken up, only had spats here and there (flags in my opinion, as to his true feelings about being in a relationship; never any substance, always irritations with me and never owning up to anything he did when I was the one who brought things up) We always talk through them and are fine afterward.
All of my worries have been proven to actually be legitimate. I’ve also discovered that the spats he has with the mother of his child are bs too; none of her texts to him were hostile like he always claims. Where do I go from here now? He doesn’t know I saw the texts. And he keeps carrying on as if he’s happy. Why lie and why cheat? Why not just leave? How do I break things off? He’s been my main support system as I deal with my father being ill. My family is not helpful and not around like I need them to be. Is he sticking around bc he feels bad about my dad?
Sorry for the novel. Please advise!
Hi Renee. I appreciate your involvement in the comments section of my blog. But for detailed personal requests for advice we ask that you use our private relationship coaching service. You can access it here.
James
Hi Renee, I feel so, so sorry and sad for you in your situation. I think maybe part of the problem is that, actually, five months is not such a long time for getting to know each other and learning to trust each other. You are still in the very early stages. The other problem, these days, is all the contact everyone seems to have with each other and exes via texts and social media. And the constant changing of partners that didn’t happen years ago. I think it causes a lot of unnecessary anxiety and jealousy – we all carry such a lot of psychological baggage around that we put up barriers and keep one foot out of the door ready to bolt. Life is completely different to how it was 50 years ago when I was young. You knew where you were much more then, and everyone knew the rules. But it seems, for all that, that people’s feelings are just the same. That same old sick, jealous, insecure feeling in the gut when you think you are under attack and may lose the one you love. Of course, we are all going to be very flattered to think that we are attractive and in demand, when we receive messages from the opposite sex. I think James would probably say that we have to be open and honest with each other. Talk about what worries you, but try not to appear controlling, insecure, jealous. Sometimes it is easier for people to tell “little white lies” rather than face someone’s wrath if they tell the absolute truth. While this is cowardly, it is understandable, especially early on in a relationship. Your man will be, probably, just as insecure and worried about losing you if the truth comes out (however innocent the situation is). Try to see it from his perspective. I would say that the trouble is that he is “plagued” by these women – and women are much more predatory nowadays than they were – and he does not know how to fend them off. Explain how much it upsets you, without getting angry or aggresive and unfairly pinning blame on him, and see what his reaction is. (Use your feminine wiles here – a few little tears might help your cause!!). If he loves you, he should care deeply that he is hurting you, and try to put a stop to the texts from these women. And if he doesn’t want to do that – perhaps it is time to take a long look at your relationship, but bearing in mind that it is still early days to commit, and he is probably keepng his options open. As far as his ex with the child is concerned – well that is an entirely different situation. Bear in mind that she IS his ex for a reason, but that he will have to have contact, and if things can be kept friendly and open and honest and easy-going, it will be so much easier for everyone, especially the child, who is the most important one here. From your last comment, it seems as though you are already thinking of getting out of this situation. Things will become obvious if you just give them time, so don’t panic. Best of luck!! Lorna
Renee, it sounds like he is not ready to be in a committed relationship. He wants the cake, frosting, ice cream, and a glass of wine with all of it. Immaturity comes to mind immediately, and immaturity has to age boundary.
Maybe it is time for a break. Tell him what you want and what you expect from him. Do NOT just continue on after that conversation. He needs to reflect hard on his behavior, and has to do that starting right now. Take a break of no less than 60 days. You will be glad you did.
He is not your support system. If you need help with your father, demand it from the family (take turns? Not enough info to know how to advise). Start taking care of yourself, as it is obvious this is tearing you apart. You need to take care of yourself first.
Lee, this is great and rational advice. I read your previous comments, and I totally agree. Women, and people in general, should not tolerate disrespect, being treated less than, and used. As women, we should appreciate our value, set boundaries, and not accept less than the best.
My partner and I have lived together for over 3 years. Initially, he spoke of marriage but then his son came to live with us and the dynamic changed. I have helped care for him and rear h as if he were my own. Yet, whenever I would overhear him speaking to female friends on the phone, it was as if I did not exist. He would say how difficult it is to raise his child alone or make other intimate comments that would lead one to believe that he was not in a relationship. I know that men and women both require an ego boost from time to time, but I work full-time, and after completing all of my “duties” when I get home, I have nothing left for myself. If I MAKE time for myself then afterwards, I get the silent treatment, or hear remarks that something is lacking.
Delores,
Personally, I don’t believe anyone should live together at all. Solves a lot of problems right there. With no date for a wedding, you have exactly what you have trained him for–no commitment. No surprise there. You are a babysitter. You have a job and, innately, you know this situation is going nowhere fast. You need to take care of yourself. Go apartment hunting this weekend!
If youre worried, make some excuse, like… your sister/ friend wanted you to stay with them and catch up… but you could spend time together with him as well.
You had arranged to do that before he asked.
Hi Jaine! Thank you for the reply and for your opinion. I would much rather be honest with him and not make excuses that are not true. I will definitely spend a lot of my time with my family and friends, and if I decide to stay with one of them, I will let my man know, it feels like the right thing to do… 🙂
Jaine, while meaning well, your solution for Delores does not solve any problem, but creates one– turning Delores into a liar. No reason to lie here. That would make her as bad a he is. She is dealing with an immature narcissist, who is not now, and unlikely to ever be, able to commit.
Wow. Another excellent article, and timely, too! Thank you, James, it feels really good to be following your newsletters, they provide so much useful insight!
I said “timely” because I feel worry too at this moment as well, though it’s not about infidelity, it’s about… living arrangements. I’m in a long-distance relationship with a wonderful man who I respect deeply, and I feel cherished and happy despite the distance (I work abroad, he lives in my home city, where I’m planning to go back to next year when my contract here finishes, so there IS a clear end to the distance in sight).
At the end of this month, I’ll be going to our home city for 2 or 3 weeks, and he invited me to stay at his place. This would be the third major period we spend together (we met on a dating site in April, started out with five amazing and intense real-life dates in late May-early June, kept in touch, then spent a mini-holiday together in a city halfway, in early September, where we also compared life goals and timelines, decided it could work, and have been exclusive, and happy, ever since).
The prospect of staying at his place troubles me: on the one hand, it feels amazing and exciting and it would definitely be more convenient; on the other hand, I feel anxious about being a guest on his “territory” for so long, and going from casual dating/vacationing to facing the reality of meeting the family and negotiating chores and personal space. I like him a lot and I can really see a future, and still, I don’t want to enter into a “wife” dynamics so soon.
What do you think, James? Should I stay at his place this time? Am I overthinking this? If I decide not to stay with him, what would be a good way to communicate this, without disrespecting him or upsetting him? Thank you!
PS: The reason this post resonated with me so much was… that my anxiety about staying with him or not had been hanging over me for weeks now, and it’s getting more intense as the time approaches, and I feel that it might indeed paralyze me and change my interactions to him, which so far have been fantastic… So yes, I need to face this shadow…
OMG! I don’t know when this was written, but I do hope you decided not to camp at his place! Just visit and have fun, but say you also want to spend time with family/friends!
Else, you may end up out of that relationship before you leave!
Rodi
Hi Rodi! Thank you for the reply and your opinion! I most certainly intend to spend a lot of my time with family and friends (going out with them without him and so on), and another big portion of my time actually working. I even told him that I’ll make spending time with him a priority, but not my *only* priority. And he understood, of course. 🙂
Do you have any concrete reasons why staying with him might endanger the future of this relationship? What do you think I should look out for?
Thank you again for your advice!
Oh dear. Yes this can be a tricky one to get over – but you HAVE to get over it and move on into another dimension of your relationship – otherwise you will be stuck forever in the same place. Things change and evolve all the time. You don’t say how old you are. I had (and still am having) a similar experience with a long distance relationship. I am 67 now and he is 63 – it’s been three and a half years now. We have lots of problems relating to his drink problem, which he tried to hide in the beginning. However, what I would say from my experience is, whatever you do, do NOT go into his place and start acting like a WIFE. Act as an honoured GUEST – as you would with anyone else. Just accept him as he is – for the moment!! They can be extremely proud and sensitive. My guy got his back up straight away – would not let me wash up and dry and put away – still doesn’t (I didn’t do it right – but he also has OCD, so that explains that !!). He was so excited about me coming. Very proud of looking up recipes and getting the place “ready” for me – all cleaned, hoovered and polished, bedding washed, nice pretty tissues on the side table, a mirror specially placed for me (I am 5ft-1). Let him pamper you and be the “housewife” in his own home – and don’t forget to tell him how wonderful his place is, and that he is for what he is doing for you. I think if you do not stay with him, he will be very hurt – he will see it as a rejection (they hate being rejected-or at least mine does!). Just go with the flow and enjoy it all. You have no way of knowing HOW it will be – so all your worry is foundless. It’s just all in your imagination. It will probably be completely different to how you imagine. Until you slowly get to know each other, anything is possible, and this is the best way to get to know each other. Just enjoy – and have a wonderful time – you lucky girl !!! Three weeks will fly by. Life is for living, with all its ups and downs. Just DO IT. (And let us know how you get on!). There is a great book called “Feel the Fear and do it Anyway” – worth reading. Love and best wishes to you. Lorna
Hi Lorna, and thank you so much for replying to me! I deeply appreciate you sharing your story, and I feel grateful for the advice and encouragement! I really needed the reminder that I can’t know how it’s actually going to be like… Oh, and I’m 27, and the guy is 29.
As for being a guest and not jumping into housework, that’s going to be tough, but I hope I’ll be able to handle it…
Oh, and thanks for the book recommendation, I’ll be checking it out soon!
Hugs, and good luck to you and your relationship!
It was so lovely to get your reply – thankyou, I really appreciate it. And your good wishes for my situation, which is not looking all that good at the moment, unfortunately – very sad. However, I just KNOW that you will have a lovely time when you stay with your man – just try to enjoy it for what it is, and don’t get too anxious.You’re bound to be feeling excited, and that is nice.
DO TRY not to start doing the housework – I find that so difficult, too. Since I was a little girl, my fingers itched to do the washing up and polishing things for people – I laugh about it now when I look back. I even took a bottle of bleach when I visited my (now ex) husband’s house where he lived with two other guys, before we were married – I could not bear the thought of using the dishcloth, it was so disgusting!! How terrible was that? – but they didn’t seem to mind!! And he did still want to marry me. That was almost 45 years ago – and I still haven’t learnt my lesson! However, women are not expected (and certainly should NOT be) to be so housewifely these days – so just leave it to him, and tread carefully, unless it really is obvious that he won’t mind a LITTLE help. And, actually, come to think of it, that will leave you more time for doing more interesting things!! I’ll be rooting for you, and wish you all the best with this relationship. ENJOY! Don’t forget to tell us how it went – hopefully you will still have a relationship at the end of it. By the way, the book is by Susan Jeffers, you can get it on Amazon. Best wishes. Love, Lorna
Thank you for all the wishes, advice and good thoughts, Lorna! I will keep you updated. 🙂 Again, I wish you good luck with whatever you’re facing with your man! Hugs!
Hi James
What do you do when there’s no longer any passion (if there ever was) and worse the relationship has tuned into a routine and complacency. 20 years of following him around wherever we were sent to go, no regard to what I wanted to do or my career for which I had studied so hard. After an incident which led to him revealing his true feelings on a very sensitive and important subject for me, I see him in a whole new light. Looking back, I can see pieces of a giant puzzle falling into place. I can no longer see him as the man I married and loved. I see him as someone else, a person a care for and held respect for. But I can’t see us going forward. Yes we will go to counseling. But what to do when that love is gone?
I understand why this makes you nervous, Julia. You have such a good thing going, and you don’t want to expose your new relationship to the stress of sharing space, at least not yet.
I think you should tell him the idea makes you nervous. And tell him the reason it makes you nervous is not because you’re nervous about him. Tell him you’re nervous because you feel protective of the new relationship and don’t want to subject it to the strains of sharing space all at once in a sudden move like this. It would be better to spend a weekend together first. Then, maybe later, a longer period of time.
Thank you so much for the reply, James! I really, really appreciate it! We did spend 4 days together (early September, the mini-holiday I mentioned), where we shared a hotel room and were together continuously. That went flawlessly, but then again, we were vacationing and away from any major source of stress and from “real life”…
I did talk to him about this in the meantime (the “shadow” was too dense and I couldn’t stand pretending it’s not there). Unfortunately, I didn’t have these words (I resonate with the “protective about the relationship” part so much! I’ll remember this if the topic comes up again), and I hope I was able to convey the same sentiment somehow, even with worse words. He shared something very interesting: that he sees this period as an opportunity to test HIMSELF (after years of living alone, can he share his life with someone else? what habits does he need to change to manage that?). I’m not sure, but it feels like he needs this test more than I need casualness… I still haven’t decided what I’ll be doing (probably what feels best moment-by-moment), but it feels good to have talked to him about it (i.e., faced “the shadow”), and my respect for him increased after he reassured me he doesn’t want to push me towards anything and he wants us to always be honest with each other, even about “negative” things. He held space for me to express my insecurities (even though he doesn’t see a cause for them), and I feel grateful to him for that.
So James, thank you again for this timely article, it helped me gather the courage to “face the shadow”.
What if he lies on confronting him and then later tells you be was worried about your response if you knew the truth?
Lysa, while it’s frustrating when someone lies, it takes a lot of courage when a person admits it. I would say that’s an indication of very strong motivation to make things right.
James