Anne Taylor Fleming said, “A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time.”
Any committed relationship is that way. The first hurdle is simply sharing what you want–your hopes and dreams, your wants and needs. It’s no small thing to walk out on that limb.
Once you’ve shared what you want, the next great challenge is to resist the temptation to insist that your hopes and dreams should be his hopes and dreams.
You might feel betrayed upon discovering he does not want all the same things as you. It’s an irrational human reaction that may bring up a sudden sense of anger or panic. Don’t let it crumble the relationship.
It’s unlikely your life goals will line up 100% with his.
Yes, there should be common ground. You can’t really have much of a relationship if there isn’t. But, as nice as it would be for your picture of the ideal life to sync up perfectly with his, that sort of thing rarely happens.
As in, never.
Some desires will match, and some won’t. It’s stressful and scary to see that the person you’re planning a future with has a different idea of what that future should be.
In panic, some women plead with their men, hoping to sway him via pity. Some pull out their best high-pressure sales pitch. And some cut to the chase, drawing lines in the sand and making demands.
My advice? S l o w d o w n.
Time has a way of settling jangled nerves and revealing impasses to be less impossible than they first appeared.
Remember, the first obstacle is sharing what you want. From there, the goal is to keep the conversation going.
When he doesn’t want the same things, it will come as a shock. Don’t let that shock shut down communication. Accept the differences rather than getting angry at him for not wanting the same things you want.
Instead of strong-arming your man through sympathy or coercion, engage in an honest dialogue. The two of you are creating a life together. Your shared vision of the future will be a blend of what he wants and needs and what you want and need.
Start by finding the common ground.
Of course, there will be differences, and that’s perfectly okay. As the discussion veers toward areas where you want different things, be prepared to find compromises you can both live with.
The ultimate goal is for both of you to feel fulfilled. What you want is balance. Sometimes you’ll have to bend, and sometimes he will.
His wants and needs aren’t always going to match yours. But your ability to be flexible is what allows us to do the “dance” that Fleming described.
What if he is 53 and has ED but feels it’s hopeless and too expensive to do anything about it. Any hope there? I want and need a romantic relationship, not just a platonic one.
My husband and I are really going through the ROUGH ONE! We have been married for 18 years but literally only have been together as a married couple for 6 months. 34 years of hit and miss and we finally made the plunge but Boy oh my God are we having a very difficult communication issue. I Want so bad for us to have the communication I thought we had. SURPRISE WIFE… not so much! He is so secretive and closed up and we are definitely working on it but I really don’t know some days if we are going to make it through to the evening together! He was incarcerated for a long time in between and has major trust issues. Please Help to Live through another day of “are you cheating on me “?? Please help as we Do Love Each Other So Much!!
Hey Shannan. I think you might benefit from reading another article I wrote specifically about making the leap of faith needed to trust each other. https://beirresistible.com/build-trust-with-your-partner/
Shannan,
Listen and take in all thoughts you get on this page, however, the biggest challenge is the fact that your husband was incarcerated “for a long time”. I too am in a relationship with someone who was incarcerated for 20 years. The secretive, closed up behavior is what helps those who are incarcerated survive. Be patient, loving, supportive, and empathetic. A large majority of individuals who did a long time most often have PTSD. Perhaps there is an organization near you that helps returning citizens with counseling. Love your man, hel’ll love you for it. Best wishes.
Slow Down Is Always Good Advice For Me, So Thank You For That. Taking Time To LEt uncomfortable Reactions Subside, ……..Is Learning To Be Civilized. Then, Assesing Hopes And Dreams And Goals Is Appropriate, Particularly If Your Partner Is In Sync To Do So. Honestly, I Am Tired Of Being The Rational Proactive One. Maybe It Is Time To Look At That Sand To See If A Line Needs To Be Drawn. Maybe, Just Maybe….But I Will….Slow Down And See……Thanks, Tina
Yes Tina you need to draw that line in the sand and set boundaries to protect your self and your sanity If your the one being the rational proactive one, changes are you are the one keeping the relationship together. If its one way that is not a relationship.
Hi, This rational way of looking at a relationship has broader implications, if we learn to firstly look for a common ground of shared desires then compromise with what we have left, this approach can work with all relationships, work, friends and family. I believe this to be the core approach to any area of conflict. I am currently studying Group and team dynamics, this is interesting reading your article applying it to personal relationships. Thank you. Tina
New things are scarey, though .now i would love to talk about his lifesyle choices. Just because it doesn’t fit with my ingrained ideas of what it should be, if we could have an honest discussion so its understood he meaning and implications. I would have liked that chance, never know it may be something i would want to learn and enjoy. Its getting over fear that’s important, just going for it.
I wouldn’t consider the desire for an open relationship a goal, a dream or hope of any kind. I would considerer it a life style choice. And If I desired a different life style choice, I likely wouldn’t be attracted to that individual. To me goals, hopes and dreams are embodied in work and play activities, pursuits and achievements; do you share a focus on people, process, things, or some combination?
I like that reframe; a relationship choice. Thanks for sharing that.
James
Great advice, but where do you draw the line for accommodating one another? What if he wants an open relationship, & you don’t?
Ah, Yes. That is the question. The question that must be answered by each individual person in each individual situation.
If you can not communicate there is a lack of understanding. If one person wants to open up and other does not is going to work on my opinion
If his goals, hopes and dreams are different from mine, I would want to know more about them, as I likely do not understand the nuances and fine points. If both of you don’t want and enjoy pleasing the other, what kind of a relationship is that? Or is it a “relationship” at all? I don’t understand people with the “my way or the highway” mentality.
Some time we have to be careful and not brake boundaries to get our way
good advice
Truly the best comes from communication , knowing that your partner listens is great in and of itself . I like to think of it this way … You are both in a car going down the road . You look out your window and see trees and flowers while your partner sees a deep ravine creating a different feeling . So even together going the same place it’s still a different experience for each of you . The only way to know what the drive was like for your partner is to ask . Hence , communication is key all along the way …
Katy, this is beautiful. Wonderful compliment to Jame’s post. It hit home 🙂
I agree, is hard when you are not use to doing it.
Thank your for this very wise advice and perfect timing for me! Slow down, no drawing lines in the sand. Accept and tolerate the differences. Viva la difference!
If all of.the.goals are.not the same at some ‘m point the relationship dance will end on its own. 2 people have to have some type of commonality.
No all the time. We are individual and have same differeces
What if it’s to have or not to have children?
I was asked about children not long after marriage and when I said I wasn’t sure I was ready just yet the reply I received cut deeply to this day “why the f*** did we get married then”.
I agree Dee. “Never the twain shall meet”. The relationship dance will end on its own if there are not enough common goals for it to grow in the same direction. It becomes two ships passing in the night.