Indifference. It’s the saddest feeling in the world. Which is ironic, because indifference isn’t a feeling at all.
It’s the opposite of a feeling.
An indifferent person is like a car with no gas. People reach a point of indifference when there’s just nothing left in their emotional tank.
Indifference is the opposite of the things that make us human. Love, joy, anger, fear, hunger, curiosity, passion, lust and even loss– all vanquished by indifference.
Nobel Prize winner and Nazi prison camp survivor Elie Wiesel put it this way: “The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.”
Indifference is sadder than sadness. When a person is indifferent, they aren’t engaged in life. They don’t care. Nothing matters. What could possibly be sadder than that?
I tend to think of indifference as an early symptom of soul sickness. Don’t ignore this red flag. If you’re feeling it, even a little bit, it’s time for a change. Here’s why you need to act fast.
Indifference is both progressive and contagious. If you give indifference a chance to take root, the sense of not caring will only grow. What feels like mild apathy today can be full-blown indifference tomorrow, sucking the joy and passion out of every area of your life.
As if that’s not bad enough, indifference is also like the flu. It passes easily from one person to another. Perhaps that’s why indifferent people tend to cluster together.
The good news is that indifference isn’t that hard to defeat. What’s more, the cure is fun. All you have to do to beat indifference is embrace passion. Get passionate about something, anything, and indifference will disappear on its own.
When you plunge headlong into life, investing yourself deeply in something you truly care about, life begins to flow through you. That life force is the antidote to indifference.
But your passion has to be real. In other words, you have to genuinely care enough that you’re willing to invest time, effort, and energy into something you believe is worth-while.
If you do that, an amazing thing will happen. People who care deeply often discover hidden resources and strengths in themselves they didn’t even know were there. You’ll come alive in a special new way. It will make your life, and the lives of everyone around you, better.
Reclaim who you were meant to be.
Find a cause. Recommit to something you once cared about. End relationships that suck the meaning out of your life. Begin a new relationship that leaves you feeling invigorated. Take sides. Choose to commit to something that matters. Do whatever it takes.
Purpose makes life rich and meaningful. So reject indifference. Live the passionate, purposeful life you were meant for.
Always on your side,
James Bauer
James I met the high school crush over a year ago and everything was great. We were together for over a year then one day out of the blue he said I just don’t feel comfortable being with you right now. So I had to move out and I been trying to get something to say to him to change his mind. I love him but about to lose all hope here. Can you help me out with something to say to him please?
Hi Angela,
Thanks so much for your comment! Your situation sounds complicated and I feel like you’d greatly benefit from being a part of our community and some back and forth consultation. I recommend that you bring it up in our private forum where we have actual relationship coaches on staff to answer questions and give advice. To access this forum, you would need to sign up for the Irresistible Insiders Club.
Within this private community, you can also ask questions and share experiences with like-minded women and our most advanced members. This way you can get extra real-time feedback and support for your unique situation.
Warm wishes,
Tracey T.
I have an interesting, complicated, long distance relationship with a man I met through on-line dating site. I’m a senior woman who was widowed nearly 6 years ago, having met this man who is 8 years longer than me. We started off initially because of interest in behavioral health. He is a retired army veteran who now works as a behavioral profiler working in human trafficking, which drew him to my career as a behavioral specialist working with children(now retired). We hit it off immediately, talking on the phone for hours on end when he wasn’t working. This progressed over the next 6 weeks, even though he would go silent for days, when he would be working a deal or stakeout to save some children from the black market. He is very passionate about his job. we had a disagreement, concerning him not telling me he had to go silent due to work, I become quite emotional, thinking he was leaving me. We didn’t speak for a month, he felt I was consuming his thoughts and he couldn’t do his job properly, but didn’t understand why I became emotional. During the time away from him I realized I was being needy, and really worked hard on loving myself and allowing myself to accept love without requiring constant affirmation that he loved me. About 6 weeks later I sent him an out of the blue message asking how he was, and he indicated he wanted to try again as he couldn’t get me out of his heart or mind. We discussed how to be open and communicate, especially if he were going to have to go silent for awhile We have seen each other only once in a month, it went extremely well, but our second arranged date didn’t happen . He didn’t respond to messages for several days, there was no word from him that he was going out on a job! Then finally informed me he had been shot through the hand and was in the hospital in a different state. He has tried to downplay the seriousness of the injury, even refusing to take pain medicine stating he using his tolerance to get through it. He has become quiet saying he’s not in the proper mind to be present in our relationship, not in the sexy mood, where he was always very sexually oriented toward me. I’ve asked him if he needs some time to deal with this, without me interfering and have gotten no response from him! Or does he want me to keep asking about how he’s doing?? I don’t know what to do, how do I be there for him?? How do I let him know how important he is to me, when he closes off and doesn’t respond?
Send him a message saying you are there for him. You are working on yourself but you are there for him.
I have done exactly that, I have worked on myself, self love and knowing I’m worthy of a loving relationship. Since my last message to you, we have not been able to see each other, as obstacles get in the way, his jog even the weather. He still professed he loves me, but seems to carry trust issues with him from a previous relationship and it has caused me to doubt his full intentions. Not sure where to go from here. He had opened up and through email, has told me how he feels since the shooting and losing his dog, his best friend. He became vulnerable with me and admitted strong men are not supposed to cry! I told him I saw his openness with me as showing great courage and I would never judge him for being vulnerable and showing emotion. I took that as a very positive step forward. However he has gone silent when I also told him that Unconditional love means trusting the other person and that sometimes, he seems to want to keep me at arms length. Now there has been no communication for 10days from him! I’m at a loss….
Im very interested on this guy
I don’t know if he feels anything for me?
I am choosing to commit to something that actually matters from now on in my life. I won’t fight for someone or something that doesn’t fight back for me!
This is beautiful and empowering, Brittany. You’ve got this!
Me and my fiancé have been living together for 6 months now and here lately he doesn’t show any affection or attention. It’s like he doesn’t care or love me anymore and every time I try to talk to him about it and tell him how I feel he gets really upset and mad at me and he always tells his ex girlfriend, who is the mother of his child, everything and they text and talk every day/night. I don’t like it and I have tried to tell him but he just gets upset and tells me I have attitude and he is tired of it and he not going to put up with it and he threatens to leave me. I don’t know what to do about it because I truly love him with all my heart. I don’t want to lose him but I know I deserve better.
Hi Tina,
Thanks so much for your comment! Your situation sounds complicated and I feel like you’d greatly benefit from being a part of our community and some back and forth consultation. I recommend that you bring it up in our private forum where we have actual relationship coaches on staff to answer questions and give advice. To access this forum, you would need to sign up for the Irresistible Insiders Club.
Within this private community, you can also ask questions and share experiences with like-minded women and our most advanced members. This way you can get extra real-time feedback and support for your unique situation.
Warm wishes,
Tracey T.
I’ve been married 17 years, and it’s been a struggle. He says I haven’t changed and after reading this article, I realize this is where he is at. He is at the I don’t care stage. Talking doesn’t help, texting definitely is non existent. I am trying the hero instinct but think I am doing it wrong. He is fighting his emotions and try’s not to show he is happy when around me, unless I catch him off guard. My marriage is in danger and need help to turn things around. I am probably trying to hard and over thinking things. He is definitely at the indifferent stage.
Hi Tina. It can be tempting to give up in a situation like this. It can be tempting to say to yourself, “well, at least I still have him in my life now, and if I keep pushing this issue he may leave me, so I better just drop it.” But that is not the right decision. Because that traps you in a relationship that is not contributing to your well-being.
Sometimes, when your partner has such poor emotional self-regulation skills that they become “flooded” and overwhelmed with anxiety that gets expressed as anger toward you, it helps to have an impartial but highly trained third-party in the room to help mediate and direct the focus of a conversation. A licensed therapist or clinical psychologist specializing in couples counseling can be extremely helpful in a situation like that.
Another thing to consider is how you ask for change. Most of us start by pointing out the way our partner is failing us, which makes them defensive. If there are ways you can instead present this as your own hurt feelings, he may be more inclined to “rescue you” from those feelings by talking about solutions. But it sounds like he may not have developed sufficient skills for talking about relationships without getting emotionally overwhelmed or threatened by the idea that he has areas where he needs to work on improvement. If that is the case, he would benefit from speaking with a counselor who can gently expand his skills for introspection.
Wishing you love and happiness,
James
Thank You so much for your comment on this because you have made me think about my own life and relationship issues with my husband of many more years than 17. We have had issues with addiction a few times in our past and we are recently recovering from an addiction with meth and it’s been so bad this time with the treatment and mental abuse he has given to me. And other women who have never ever been a thought to him. I’m battling with my emotional issues which are so overwhelming and I’m not so sure how I am really ever going to get past this. I’m not a quitter but I’m not going to just be okay and let him just be unaccountable for his behavior. Thank You again you have given me hope.
My bummer is after watching this man and drooling I planned trip in hope’s of meeting him only to discover he is GAY. Bummer. Onward and upward but thinking about him for over 2 years causes me to have to think harder. I know ince an older man idms gay he is unlikely to change but…..
How does this work or not work for a long distance relationship? I’ve been in a long distance relationship for almost 6 months now, and we have both been trying to figure out what we can do during this virus so we don’t become indifferent!?!
I must say, if people are healthy with good immunity, you go be with your lover or play sexy cyber games on Skype but nothing like the real thing!
This is crazy I’m 64 my husband of 37 years passed away January 23, 2019. I hate being alone. There have been a few contacts but, I tend to shut them down. Went out on dating site – Scammers Love me Lol. I have been through 6 of those all though they didn’t get anything from me. The few that I talked to that were probably real – I just didn’t know what to say to them. Ahhh I actually liked one of the scammers – how crazy is that – and he is still sending a link – after I told him game over- I will not open or reply. So is there something on how to meet someone?
Hey Patti,
You should check out these reports by James Bauer & Amy Waterman! The first one is called Dating After Age 50 and the second one is How to Meet Men. Hope they help!
Best,
Tracey
James, I feel like a pretzel… while I’ve purchased many of your programs… and they’re very informative… I’m all twisted, like a pretzel. This all started in March of 2012.. when we lost our home to fire. Three months later, my sister in law died leaving 3 daughters behind. Then the ball started rolling…we continuously kept losing close friends and family 12+ over the next 7years. Undiagnosed PTSD behavior started appearing..me… heart and health issues… and the Storm never let up…we became distant… leading to absolutely no physical contact what so ever. After the shock of his sister’s death..he just shut down… put on 80+lbs. And completely shut me out… I was in and out of the hospital 3/5 times a year from asthma to heart issues to collapsing and falling unconscious several times in and out of my home…he is a long haul big rig driver.. and many of those times he was out of state… for days, weeks and months…. so I assumed… that it was easier to stay away from home and let our daughters step in… which they did..as tiring and annoying as it was… I’ll admit that I was constantly nagging him about sex… talking… spending time with me… fighting… what I’ve learned from you… the Wrong way… I even attempted suicide Thanksgiving 2018 after an argument with one of our girls and I asked him after they left why he didn’t react when she raised her hand and lightly hit my arm… which she apologized for quickly.. I asked him if he still loved me and his response was I don’t know… after that..it didn’t matter what I did good or bad… they were all extremely frustrated because of the hospital stays and health issues. I was pushed out of the circle they created to talk and vent about me…. after that, it didn’t matter what I said or did.. Everytime I even opened my mouth their responses were very aggressive… especially his…jump to 2020.. I’ve stepped inside myself and decided to just work on me for me… I told him last May that I don’t want to be in the same place next year… so, I started to stress him out more over the course of five months by shopping online… I told him after he removed me from our accounts that I was fine with it because I was trying to fill the hole in me that he walked away from…. so, we’ve actually started talking a little bit… I think about what I’m about to say to him, no matter the subject… I’ve noticed that if I say what’s going on or how I’m feeling..he has been paying attention.. so I went back to texting him as you described… I’m descriptive with my words… since he is a visual person I’ve made sure that he can see what I’m texting…he doesn’t respond to them…he doesn’t bring it up when he’s home from a haul… he’s tired..all he does is drive and sleep…he has AFib and CHF but is keeping it under control… the CHF and medication has left his parts swollen because of fluid retention… so still no contact… I would like to send you some of my texts as some are long… because I don’t know what to do anymore… I’ve begun working on myself and the things that will benefit me.. being more active in my daily life regardless of what he’s doing or not doing… staying out of my head and working on a list of things that I want and need to accomplish daily and over time…it helps me stay focused especially with my PTSD.. I started this on Monday 24 February… I also watch my grandkids several days a week and I will send pictures to him but he doesn’t respond to those either…he says he doesn’t want a divorce, neither do I… I don’t know if he just doesn’t know how or what to say or do…. I shared a video with him..it was the lyrics to Keep Bleeding… and I truly feel this way about him… we will be married for 36 years in August… I also have a severe abused past from my childhood… I was physically sexually emotionally and mentally abused every day starting from age 3… Will you help us… can you help us…???
Start going out even if you’re just shopping. Stop coming dinner for him and if you don’t sleep separately already. Start sleeping on the couch. Get an Alexa and play music when you’re cleaning, or doing stuff, so you look happy. Wear makeup even if you haven’t in years, get your hair done differently. Get manicures, pedicures. Just make him feel like you are perfectly happy doing your own thing. Soon he will want to be happy too and for heaven sake, stop texting him and don’t try to talk to him about his behavior towards you. Find a good therapist and just leave the card on his pillow. He has unresolved grief. Don’t tell him you put the card there. The less you say to him the better. Make him wonder why you want to suddenly care about your looks. None of us over 50 look perfect, but we can always look better. Be independent not dependent. I promise if you do these things you will get your husband back. It’s too easy for him. You’re like a picture hung on the wall many years ago that doesn’t get noticed anymore. Just pick one thing a week to start doing differently. If you continue to chase and show neediness you will never get him back the way you want. You’re the runner now and he will get curious. You can do it. Let us know how it turns out.
I’ve been dating a guy for 6 months. He’s perfect in so many ways. I trigger his hero instinct often and I know he steps up, he does jobs for me at my home etc. He is consistent in his contact, we see each other often and have dates and weekend trips. My problem with this is I am becoming indifferent as there is a lack of physical contact from him. I am outwardly tactile and I love this reciprocated but I don’t get it. I feel that it’s taken for granted and the intimacy is only there when we have been partying not normal life.
I can see why that is frustrating. He’s into you emotionally, but seems to lack drive for physical intimacy. To understand this question better, it might help if one of our coaches dug into the details of the situation with you in our private forum. That way we can understand how deep the relationship is, which kind of physical contact you’re talking about, and other factors that could be influencing the situation. Hope to see you in the private forum. You can access it here.
With the exception of a few of the details, that comment from Irene could have been from me.
Communication & intimacy are no longer part of our vocabulary, the distance between us is cavernous, but neither wants to make the official move to leave the marriage of nearly 50 years!!