balance in the relationship

Some women prefer to shake things up, to avoid being overly predictable, and to keep their man “on his toes.”

Other women want to provide a consistent experience for the man they are dating. These women avoid being erratic. They figure a man will be hesitant to stick with someone who is all over the place.

When we talk about being consistent or unpredictable, we set up a false dichotomy. A false dichotomy means you pick two things and act as if they are mutually exclusive, when really they are not.

For example, someone might ask you whether you are going to choose a beautiful dress or a white dress for your wedding. Many women would assert that a dress can be both white AND beautiful at the same time. The question is posed in a way that makes it sound as if you have to choose one or the other. Which makes it a false dichotomy.

Can you be consistent and unpredictable at the same time?

I believe you can.

You do so by being consistent in ways where it pays off and being unpredictable in other aspects of the relationship where that mode has a better pay off.

So when does it pay off to be predictable? And when does it pay off to create stability?

Here are my recommendations.

Create balance in the relationship by being consistent when it comes to:
  • Being emotionally warm.
  • Responding to his efforts to connect with you (e.g. returning texts, phone calls, etc.).
  • Demonstrating respect in ways that make him feel you are acknowledging his “manliness.”
  • Your level of physical responsiveness (don’t change in any direction too fast or you can throw off the balance of the relationship as it changes and adjusts to your level of physical intimacy).
  • Bringing your best energy and enthusiasm to interactions with him.
Create balance in the relationship by being a little unpredictable and shaking things up when it comes to:
  • The kind of interactions you suggest. Men like variety when it comes to adventure. If you’re used to going out for dinner and a movie, suggest something very different like ice skating, or wondering through a giant pet store, or trying out geo-tracking. Be creative and show off your fun side when it comes to adventure.
  • Your style of dress and grooming. For some reason, men often get a jolt of new attraction when a woman seems to have multiple ways to show off her beauty. A ponytail and sleek outfit with dark slacks one week followed by a more traditionally feminine outfit and matching hairdo the next week can be a good thing.
  • Your availability. While you never want to disappear, and you should be consistently responsive to his efforts to communicate with you, it doesn’t hurt if you create a slight feeling of scarcity at times. You want him to value the time he gets to spend with you. “Oh, I wish I could, Tom. I love spending time with you, but I wonder if we could hold off till this Friday, after I’ve submitted this report for work.” Then spend practically the whole weekend with him the next week.
  • The questions you ask. The topics of conversation you bring up to explore together.

balance in the relationshipCombining these two sets of ideas would produce a positive experience for a man. He would be dating an emotionally warm woman who is fun and adventurous, yet consistently respectful and positively energized whenever he speaks with her.

She wows him with the range of expression of her beauty, yet responds consistently to reduce his anxiety about connecting with her through physical touch. While she always gets back to him, her friends, hobbies, and work responsibilities put her time in high demand and he appreciates the time he gets to spend with her.

How’s that for a personal ad? Have a great day!


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