Here is my top ten list of qualities you will want to look for in a man.
I share this list with you as a dating coach, but also as a person with a deep desire to see good women end up with worthy men. I want YOU to end up with someone who will treasure his relationship with you. I want you to end up with someone that will bring out the best in you.
There are few things sadder to me than a woman with a beautiful heart settling for a man that slowly deadens that heart over years of emotional neglect.
To prevent that, allow this list to impact your perception of men. Allow me to influence your perception of who is, and who is not worthy of your pursuit.
This list is in order, with number ten being the most important to your long term joy and satisfaction.
1. You would be proud to introduce him to people that care about you.
2. His life history suggests strong motivation for achievement. This will eventually pay off if, for example, he is still learning how to communicate well with women.
3. He has a face you find attractive.
4. He is willing to allow you to pursue your own interests and career. He sees your pursuits as equally important to his own.
5. You share the same basic beliefs about why humans exist and what our purpose is in life.
6. He communicates his thoughts well with words. You do not feel like you are pulling teeth when you try to get him to talk about his inner thoughts.
7. He shows a genuine desire to understand what makes you happy. He wants to know what you think about when you become quiet.
8. As you get to know him, you find his interest in you grows deeper and he shows loyalty and respect for the relationship even during (and after) arguments.
9. When apart, a thought about him makes you happy rather than worried or anxious.
10. When you are in his presence, you feel a natural desire to please him. He doesn’t bring out your competitive side or a desire to “prove yourself” in any way. This means you love him completely and you trust your heart in his hands.
I hope this list sparked some helpful thoughts or perspectives for you. Feel free to share it with people you care about.
I have all of these in spades plus many more with the absolute love of my life, and not a moment of conflict. Yet for some unaccountable reason he broke off our engagement and only wants to be friends remotely by text… greatest devastation of my life…
I have every one of these with someone I dated for 7 months but he broke up with me because he says he’s not in love with me. He continues to call me and carry on like we’re dating but we’re not. We don’t have a physical relationship. He calls me every day and wants to do things with me all the time. I don’t know if I can be “friends” with him anymore since I’m still in love with him. 😔
Much gratitude for your continued advice and for this list…I had all of these things with my beloved husband who went home to God in June 2019…13 of the most blessed years of my life spent enveloped by this presence, his love and his Spirit. I know my beautiful James is encouraging me to keep my heart open and to explore the invitation to be ready through acceptance and gratitude for he is where he’s supposed to be and so am I….
I have climbed my emotional Mount Everest and am ready for my next adventure in my episodes of life’s documentaries to be shown on my History Channel of Life !!!!
I love to see this approach to life, Michelle. You inspire me.
Wow! I was married for 40 years and never had more than maybe 1 of these items that I could say fit the description of our relationship.
I actually find it hard to imagine that there truly are men out there that would check all of those boxes.
I am 60, attractive and have a tender heart towards people and feel that it has been abused.
I’m having a hard time living with the regret of having stayed in that relationship for so long.
I know I’m not too old to try and date but I was married for so long I don’t even know how. (However I have purchased several of your programs so I’m trying to learn).
I’m glad you’re willing to try, Lucy. At one point in my life I realized that the only way I could truly, in my own estimation, consider myself to be a failure is if I didn’t TRY. Trying to create more love and goodness in this world is success, not matter what happens next.
I feel for you as you think about your past relationship. I was in a similar one for 25 years and I wonder why I put up with not being respected and loved especially sine I gave so much of my energy to keeping the marriage alive. I believe it was mainly because we had children and I did not want to leave them stranded.
HI James thanks so much for this insightful article. It has shown me everything that was missing in all of my relationships,even friendships. Particularly brought out a pattern of repeat in the choices of men…although both my ex`s were sweet they also had a mean side and I never felt valued or believed it when it was offered. I also feel emotionally neglected and muted…and I absolutely hate that with a passion now…to not be acknowledged especially when i felt vulnerable. I also like the point you raised about “expressing thoughts in words”with other relationships it was like pulling teeth and i was always on point with their thoughts..but i have decide not to pursue a job as a mind reader!if you can articulate your feelings to me then you may as well be a stone!I will be printing this out and canvassing it as a reminder to my self to stay away from dead snakes….Yours truly
Thank you for sharing this. This list makes me reflect again. I am/was in a 2 year long-distance relationship with a man who got most points in the list. Except point 4 (he prefers to have a wife who prioritize taking care of children and family, which I agree but I also want to explore myself to do more) and point 6 (He is not quiet, he likes to talk… but not on the deeper level of expressing feelings. I’ve learned that he expressed feelings through action, physical gesture and facial expression). I never heard him said “I love you”. He cared for me so much, making sure I am well and happy. He is a good-hearted, genuine man (easily makes friends with women, one thing I don’t like).
We’ve talked about marriage, though he hasn’t proposed. But when he talked about his future plan, marriage wasn’t mentioned as concrete plan. We both are not young anymore. He is 50, I am 40, both never married.
I started to be concerned. Will he marry me? Am I wasting my time?
Not to mention he has a close female friend in different country, he said they’re not more than friends. I told him I don’t feel comfortable with that. He said he doesn’t like jealousy.
So I told him we should reconsider everything and discern. I want to open myself up to new possibilities (for other potential men). But now I’m missing him. Our daily conversations. His attentions. I am wondering if I’ve made a mistake letting him go? I love him and care so much for him. We both have good relationships with each other’s family and friends already.
And to find an attractive man with good heart and practicing the same belief is very rare…
I would love to hear your thought on this, James. I am willing to learn and improve myself. I want to be an irresistible woman, to love and make a man happy.
Angelina…i am SO with you. But my time has run out. I’m 56…hes 58 and is a grandpa. He had five kids. I’ve never been married and have none…and now sadly…my window is gone. It is SO hard to find quality men depending where you happen to live I guess. I spent a lifetime .
I focused on not much else . have ended up empty and alone .
I’m not unattractive or weird. Most people think ive had a wonderful love life. I never have.
So now..im trying to just maintain ANY relationship with my first love who I recently reconnected with . he left me during boot camp…a miscommunication. I never really got over it…he just picked the next thing and she had the life I wanted so desperately. And now…i am so desperate just for a companion …devastated I ended up with no kids . everyone left out there is a loser…has something wrong with them
Or just wants you to take care of them and cook their dinner cuz they’re wife died or something.
It’s been so hard. I always wanted to be a team and a family. I’ve been alone almost my whole life. I don’t understand. I never seem to get that guy that loves me beyond all measure …cant live without me. All my friends have that. I’m almost an old lady now…im depressed and can’t believe it. Was a bridesmaid in 8 weddings.
My old flame has tendencies like your guy. Not a great conversationalist …but since HIS mother of his children died from drugs…hes a loner now…but writes me every day..but NEVER says he loves me or misses me…but I can tell he does. But I know from James list that’s a bad sign..always having to read tea leaves. I’m sad for myself and sad for you. I hope at 40 though…you can still hopefully have kids. But move on soon…you are running out of time …i already did😒
Colleen, I’m in the same boat. I’m 68 and have never married. I’ve lived alone for 47 years and guess I’m going to live out the rest of my life alone. I fall easily for men but they never fall for me. I’m tired of having my heart broken. Everyone is always telling me they don’t know how I got missed. It is very hard to find companionship.
Thanks, James, for your kind response to my latest post. It is so nice, and encouraging, to know that our comments are being read by you. Regarding my “love-interest’s” cancer diagnosis – he has non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, which he has been told is very treatable. He is nearing the end of his treatment, and the original wide-spread lumps have now gone down and not returned. He has to have a body-scan at the end of treatment in a few weeks to see if the treatment has been succesful. He is, of course, concerned about this, although I must say I have been really impressed at the quiet, stalwart way that he has dealt with all of this – and I made sure I told him so. I have kept in touch by telephone and letter to try to give him some support, and said that I would be there for him if necessary (meaning if the worst came to the worst). However, I do not want things to return to how they were when he was drinking heavily and being verbally abusive, via text and email. I know that he suffers badly with anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder, and I do not want to add to his level of anxiety, so it is difficult for me to broach the subject, and ask him to go for counselling to help his anxiety. In the past he has denied needing this, but I am certain it would help him to regain some peace in his life. I have given it a lot of thought, and wonder if I should quietly, slowly try to suggest this, when he is feeling better. It is tricky, as his anxiety is so easily triggered, and in the past he has literally run out of the door when I have tried to talk to him about issues. My counsellor says this is because he can’t handle his emotions. And there is a school of thought that suggests that cancer is caused by repressed emotion. What do you think, James? I’d really appreciate your thoughts. And this may help others in a similar situation. Lorna
Beautiful article, James! I’ve gone through many years of loneliness in my life, longing to connect with a great man, and friendship with wonderful girlfriends & couples has saved me & kept me going. I loved your reminder to hang out with our favorite people. Energy is contagious and physically spending time with healthy, positive people with thriving committed relationships is the single best remedy I’ve found for sort of “impregnating” that energy into my own soul. I’m easing into a deeper relationship with a really great guy who has ALL the qualities you mentioned in the article! Thanks for all your inspiration & guidance!
I really appreciate words of encouragement like this. Thank you for adding to the positive energy here with your comments.
At the beginning of 2021, I met the most amazing man, he had ALMOST ALL of these qualities I had never been happier in my entire life. At 61, and he is 69, I thought that I had found my one and only. He said he didn’t deserve me. Weeks later, he dumped me and cut off all communication and started dating someone else. I gave him my heart totally and unconditionally.,it’s been 4 months and I still think of him, cry a lot and cannot seem to get over him or stop thinking about him. I don’t know where to turn to except God.
Thanks a lot James, I’ve been receiving your mails and I can proudly say that they’ve help me in building my own irresistible character. My relationship is thriving. God bless and increase you in Wisdom and understanding concerning relationships so that you continue to provide basic solutions to pain n frustration that comes with heartbreak n separation.
I appreciate that, Diane.
Point number 2 communicating well through words in my ex position which I felt he was the one for me he doesn’t know how to express his feeling through word just actions he said actions speak louder than word , even when we are apart I don’t feel he cares for me because he dedicated to his job but when we see each other I feel he misses me so mush , although he doesn’t try to do to effort because of his busy schedule he used to tell me if there is away to see each other today for example let us do in my mind I feel he is indifference but I found it’s just his way that he can’t express well through words just through action is this your point your point 6 or something else
this is a very far fetched list of ideals , in reality no one comes across any guy with all of these, in most cases just trying to meet just one guy is hard enough let alone matching him with a list.
where are the real men??? I have been on the north east of US for the last 25 yrs and Ive never met a guy thats to say one who isnt already taken, who already has kids and drama , who isnt trying to steal from a woman or use them in some other self serving way, or who isn’t available because he lives far away with obligations to his kids job etc, who doesn’t lie have STDs who isnt a player who isnt mature to handle a woman much less himself or is far too old that he could be mistaken for my grandad or is so over weight, unkempt or both or in the worse case unemployed living with his parents and possess mental illness of a dangerous abusive nature. Ive been on multiple dating sites at a time some of them muliple times over the course of the years These have been the only types of men Ive ever encountered some even done jail time and much worse. I just do not understand why there are so many ugly men that come into my life to cause me grief. If you have any idea where I can meet a real man outside of the above description I will be intrigued to know.
Hi Penny. I do not believe in “the law of attraction” in any metaphysical sort of way. But I do believe the concept is relevant when it comes to relationships.
I’ve noticed a tendency for people to get stuck in certain social circles where they get used to a certain kind of person and naturally gravitate to those same kinds of people over and over again without meaning to. In this sense, we sort of attract people that are similar to those we have known in our past.
Then there’s the internal psychological characteristics in ourselves that can attract or repel the kind of person we are looking for. Some people are optimistic, full of energy, and believe life is beautiful and full of adventures yet to be experienced. When we are cynical or frustrated with life, these types of people don’t resonate with us well. They seek out other people who are thinking and feeling the same way they think and feel.
That’s another way the law of attraction works in relationships. And it’s one of the foundational principles we use here at beirresistible.com. Invest in your own irresistible qualities, and you receive a pay off that is much higher than what other people get when they try to find the right people or change other people.
On a practical level, you might make a list of your favorite people. Notice what makes them your favorite people. Spend more time around those people. Let those people expand your social network by introducing you to their favorite people. Over time, this can have a significant positive effect.
James – I agree absolutely with Penny on this one, and have commented before on the apparent impossibility of meeting someone “suitable”. It’s all very well saying “spend time” looking. For some of us there is not much “time” left, and to spend that precious time searching, in vane, for a suitable man is really futile. It’s not easy, either, to move into another social strata to look elsewhere – either up or down, for it must be equally difficult for the people in the higher echelons of society to meet suitable people, in what is a very “niche” situation with fewer people to choose from. How the Royals here in England ever meet someone is totally beyond me – but then, in some cases, they are forced to marry someone they do not love, as we know. Personally, I consider myself middle to upper middle class, and there are not many available men in that sector. And how one meets them is a total mystery to me. I certainly would not be happy with a dustbinman, roadsweeper or even some builders, plumbers, etc. They may well be very nice people, with lots of money, a fancy house/car, but I would cringe going with them out into society – to the theatre, concerts, opera, nice restaurants, and other “upper middle class” events. It may sound extremely snobby, but that is the way it is. Even if you gave me Alan Sugar, gold plated on a silver serving dish, I would not be interested. He is so extremely uncouth. It doesn’t matter how much money he has – or “so-called” influential, wealthy “friends” (i.e. hangers-on). You cannot make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear. And I, for one, would rather have the silk purse than make do with the sow’s ear – money or not withstanding. What more is there to say? Lorna
Penny, I 100% agree with you. That has been my experience, too, and it is nice to know I am not alone. See my other comments on here regarding meeting a “suitable” man. I honestly think that any decent men are being kept well and truly close to home by their wives – clinging on for grim death. The others who are (possibly) half decent and available get snapped up immediately by the predatory women who will take on anything (as James is suggesting), and what is left is not worth having. And I am certainly not a wallflower or a misery, sitting around feeling sorry for myself – I am a very pretty, petite, flamboyant, bubbly, outgoing, self-confident, self-sufficient woman with my own beautiful cottage in the country, chain saw, pick-up truck (for gathering logs) and super gorgeous Mazda open-top sports car (which I drive at over 100 miles an hour, but don’t tell anyone!!). Maybe I scare them off!! But it is not to say, either, that I have not had numerous offers over the last 9 years since I have been single, and many of them from (happily?) married men!! I fear we will just have to make do with a comfy armchair, a good book, and what ever other creature comforts we can muster up for ourselves!! However, it does not mean that we should not still keep out a weather eye, and just learn to pounce first before all the other women out there looking get their claws in. Who knows, we may still be in with a chance. Happy hunting, and best wishes. Lorna xx
I’ve just re-read my previous replies to this old article, which must have been about a couple of years ago. Sadly, nothing has changed!! EXCEPT that I decided to buy and run a shop in a beautiful part of the country beside the English seaside/moors. I now meet hundreds of lovely people daily, from all over the world – most of them in couples – but have yet to meet even ONE who would fit the bill as a potential partner. Where are the single, available men? Same story – most men are well and truly tied at the hip to their partners (even if they are in an unsatisfactory relationship) and the available ones are either being snapped up by the desperately hungry predators or are rejects for some reason. Personally, I have discovered that we older, more discerning ladies just have to make the most of ourselves – get out and join clubs, etc. (usually only frequented by other women), take up new hobbies, do voluntary work, get a new job or start our own company and learn to enjoy our own free time and company in whatever way possible, without getting bogged down and wasting precious time by looking for a man. The other option is to change our orientation – which does happen quite a lot, but does not appeal to me!! I still like the company and attentions of a man!! Having said all that – never give up hope, either – who knows what the future holds? But don’t sit around waiting for it to happen – we have to make it happen. And a positive attitude is very attractive. Regarding my own situation (well documented here in the past), the one man I went absolutely crazy over and thought could be the love of my life, but who turned out to be an alcoholic with a huge personality problem, has now been diagnosed with cancer, is receiving treatment and for the time-being has stopped drinking!! So maybe fate has stepped in to give a helping hand. Even though I have not seen him for months and months, we are still recently more and more in contact, due to his cancer, and he says he wants to see me when his treatment is finished. I am being philosophical, and not holding my breath – who know what the future holds?!!! Lorna
I’m sorry to hear he is battling cancer, Lorna. Thanks for letting us know about the beautiful choices you’ve made in order to take in the good and appreciate life.
This is so helpful. I have been in a marriage for 10 years. I am now trying to get along as a divorced person, while missing the good points of our marriage at times. Sometimes he really listened to me in a very posiitve way. jI also miss how he supported my work goals. He knew it had been difficult for me to reenter the job market after having been a housewife for a while. I liked spending time at home with our animals and garden. I missf it and he still lets me visit adn gives me garden veggies. He got a health problem and could not work full time although we enjoyed many years togeterher. We could not stay together as we did not get along in some ways, adn I struggle sto work full time also. I just wondered about his friendships with other women coming too easily for him. Sometimes he perceived me as jealous. Sometimes I thought he could have done a better job being more sensitive about putting me ahead of his job and lther relationships, even if they were just friends. Soemtiems things seem unclear to me what to do as I email but he is usually more brief in his replies. I email about our good times and trips, and maybe should not do too much of that as it seems to keep us more stuck. It is hard to let go sometimes. Sometimes he sends mixed signals that he wants space. He wants to get together now but I do not know if he is just keep me hanging on. i know men like the chase maybe , or at least I am trying to understand better from these tips. i just want to know sometimes if I am being too caring and many say I should go ahead an date online other people as he probably is but does not tell me thinking he may hurt me. The truth may hurt, but is better thank deceptions or him having these “friends”. Maybe they are just friends, but how may be a good way to go about finding an answer as I think he may be keeping some secrets. I do not wish to get into our pattern of arguing though, and will be careful about letting him in. I do wish to support him still maybe as friends or more. So confusing… in limbo. Are my female frineds right maybe I am being too nice ? any advice? Maybe I need to focus on myself or work and open myself up to the possibility of dating again. It is nice to know Be Irresistible encourages this so we can build up ourselves to be more appealing. I want to be appealing again and feel romance again. Maybe with him again, or maye someone else.
i am learning better how not to lose myself in the process thanks to you and yoru team. Thank you so much for your wonderful advice. I hope blessings for you also. It is such a big help to receive your emails and know there is a way to work things through.
Hi Stacie. I love hearing from readers like you who think deeply.
This is a great question you shared with us here, but it’s the kind of question that’s better answered with some back and forth discussion. You can do that on our private (members only) forum. If you’re not already a member of our Irresistible Insiders group, you can learn more about it here:
This is AMAZING! It’s like describing me and the one I cared about deeply! Thank you so much James Baurer. Really appreciate all your blogs and mails. I enjoy reading it and apply it to my everyday life. Hope you gain wealth, wisdom, love. God bless you 🙂
Thank you! Your encouraging words are a blessing to me.
I’m SO GRATEFUL for this list! I once had a list similar to this, written on paper, and have not been able to find it. JUST last week, I was focused on finding it…and now, you have given me the perfect gift!
The Universe is brilliant! Thanks for being it’s vehicle for manifestation.
All the best,
Sometimes it’s the small things that make us happy. For me, this is one of them.
I am so glad for these guidelines. Thank you so much, James. I am more confident after reading your emails I can improve my relationships. I am improving my irresistible qualities. I am glad God is giving you increasing blessings and wisdom. Things happen for a reason they say, and things are not going how I would like exactly in my relationship. Still so much I am thankful for. Reading your emails is always a highlight of my day. Things are turning around as I am getting involved in making more friends outside of my previous marriage. I am working on improving my work and relationships so if I am ready again things will work out for a committed relationship.