I’m often asked whether it is possible for love to be rekindled.

If a man lost interest, can he fall for you all over again?

I’m happy to reassure my clients that yes, it’s possible!

Couples get back together all the time.

A YouGov poll of 22,000 Americans found that nearly 1 in 2 had gotten back together with an ex. (1 in 5 had gotten back with an ex more than once!)^[1]

But that’s not really what my clients are asking me.

They want to know whether it’s possible that a specific guy will fall for them again.

That’s more difficult to answer.

Here are 3 questions that can help to decipher whether your relationship will have a second chance.

Question #1. What were the circumstances of the breakup?

You have a greater chance of getting back together if:

• The relationship ended because of practical reasons.
• The breakup was amicable.
• He had mixed feelings.

Psychologist Nancy Kalish studied people who’d reunited with a lost love.

She found that romance was more likely to be rekindled if the relationship had ended for reasons beyond the couple’s control (like moving).

There’s no closure when a relationship ends because of practical reasons. You never got to see what might have happened if the relationship had a chance. So you’re naturally curious about what might happen if you try again.

Next, the way you break up matters.

If you said things at the end that shouldn’t have been said, his pride and hurt may keep him from reaching out again.

Relationships have a greater chance of being rekindled if you didn’t burn your bridges.

Finally, nearly half of couples feel ambivalent about breaking up. They have reasons to stay and reasons to leave.^[2]

Reasons to stay include:

• Depending on your partner
• Feeling close when times are good
• Not wanting to lose everything you’ve put into the relationship
• Hoping your partner will change
• Feeling responsible for making it work
• Not wanting to face single life again.

Never discount the power of having a history together. Even if he gets into a new relationship, it’s unlikely to have the same depth or ease as a relationship with someone who knows him inside out.

Question #2. What’s happened since?

You have a greater chance of getting back together if:

• You’ve matured.
• He’s matured.

One of the big reasons for staying together is the hope that your partner will change.

Hope is a powerful force in relationships. Happy couples are optimists. They believe rough times are only temporary.

Unhappy couples are pessimistic. They believe it’s going to be this bad forever.

If he broke it off, chances are he felt pessimistic. He didn’t think things would have changed.

You can prove him wrong.

Use this time to challenge yourself on a personal level. Explore new interests, take classes, read books, make new friends.

But be warned…

As you grow and change, you may no longer feel the same way about him.

We tend to attract partners who are at a similar stage in life as us.

If we head off in a new direction, we no longer have as much in common with the people who stayed behind.

Question #3. What is your communication like?

You have a greater chance of getting back together if:

• You can still make each other laugh.
• You can talk honestly about what went wrong.
• You can let go of resentment and hurt.

After a breakup, it’s healthy to take a break from seeing each other.

You need time to heal. Constant reminders of him don’t help.

But it can be hard to stop reaching out. You want to know why he ended it. You want him to see how much you’re suffering. You need him.

Unfortunately, reaching out to him after the breakup can push him away even further, because he can tell you’re still holding on.

It also prevents him from experiencing the consequences of his actions. He doesn’t get to feel how empty life is without you, because you’re still talking to him.

Take a break from communication in the aftermath of the breakup. Try again when you feel more grounded.

He’ll find you more intriguing when he can see you’ve made a new life for yourself.

Unless a major issue (like infidelity) broke you apart, he probably feels some regrets about ending the relationship. Nothing can erase his memories of you or the history you shared.

Honor that history by handling the breakup in a way you can be proud of. Don’t say things you’ll regret. Invest in personal growth. Wait to communicate until you’re feeling steady again.

You might just get a second chance.

^[1]https://today.yougov.com/society/articles/36001-breakups-getting-back-together-bennifer-poll

^[2]https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1948550617722834?forwardService=showFullText&tokenAccess=rSnPjUjJKhefxXSuwIJt&tokenDomain=default+domain&journalCode=sppa