People will judge you for trying hard.
I did it just the other day. I was standing in line at Walmart. The line was moving slow, and I couldn’t help but notice something.
Walmart had invested in 30 cash registers, yet only two of them were open.
I snickered at how stupid Walmart is. Then I remembered something.
I’m standing in line because they accomplished something difficult. They managed to give me the best price in town. And still make a profit.
Maybe they’re not so stupid.
Maybe having only two cash registers open helps them keep prices down.
They try hard. I have to admire that.
But a lot of “cool people” snicker at those of us who try hard. Giving up and being pessimistic is cool to these people.
Sorry, but that’s not my definition of cool.
Cool is trying hard even if you might fall on your face. Cool is trying again even after you’ve failed several times before.
Cool is the boyfriend who still holds doors open, tells his girlfriend she’s beautiful, and offers to carry things for her while showing respect. Those are real men. They try hard.
Don’t be afraid to try hard. You’ll attract the kind qualities you build up in yourself.
If you want a man who will try hard, someone who will overcome obstacles in the relationship so he can keep loving you, then look for this one quality: Rejection of cynicism.
Someone who’s not afraid to openly talk about what he wants. Someone who’s not too cool to try. Not too cool to admit some things are worth caring about.
But should you always try hard?
They say life is a balance between holding on and letting go.
Caught in a windstorm, a butterfly may have to release its grip on the branch it was clinging to. Or else its wings could be torn off by the intensity of the wind.
The butterfly must go with the flow. Allow the wind to take control. Stop resisting.
But that’s not the same thing as giving up. When the wind dies down, the butterfly can resume its journey.
I was amazed when I first learned that monarchs migrate thousands of miles each year to gather at a specific location in Mexico. They seem too delicate for that long journey.
But somehow, they manage. Apparently, they try hard. One day life might blow them off course. The next day they’re moving toward their goal again.
Trying hard says something about you. It says you value something. Something is meaningful enough to be worth your effort.
You’re not too cool to embrace something good… even if it’s hard to achieve it. Even if you fall on your face a few times.
Even if you sometimes have to let go and let the wind blow you off course for a while.
Relationships are among those things I value. I think it’s worth trying hard to have a brilliant relationship.
If you read my blog, you probably agree. And in my mind, that makes you special. So I encourage you to look for a man who shares that special quality.
Find meaning. Embrace life. Try hard.
Always on your side,
James Bauer
Hi, James
This hit really close to home. My boyfriend of 5 years whom I was engaged to and who I now share a son with recently told me he fell in love with someone else. He said he was trying hard to let go of those feelings for her and bring the feelings he once had for me back. He’s told me he just wants to be happy and doesn’t know what that means right now. He’s told me he wants to work it out with me but he has not cut off the other relationship. I don’t know what to do either. I’m heartbroken, I’m hurt, and I’m confused. I want to work it out but I also want to let go like that butterfly and let the storm pass. But I’m afraid that he will pursue something greater in that other relationship.
Hi Yesenia.
It sounds to me like your boyfriend wants to have his cake and eat it too.
Two lovely ladies in hand! Doesn’t his comment that HE only wants to be happy sound selfish? He should have said he only wants YOU and your son to be happy. Think very carefully. You deserve only the best. 💕
Hi James! Thank you for your butterfly story. I can certainly relate as my one true love has gotten blown off course into 2 marriages but during an almost 50 yr span continually returns to me although often with a decade or more separation. I’m now a widow & he’s married but a year ago started phoning saying he wants to help me financially. He admitted to having a 2 yr relationship with a “mistress.” I admit we still very much have a strong connection (phone only so far) but I’m hesitant after being passed over with 2 marriages & am now wondering am I just a mistress replacement. He professes that I’m the only one who he was ever truly in love with. If it were someone else I would say don’t be gullible. I’m on the edge of asking him exactly what he wants as he hasn’t clarified it other than repeatedly saying he has been financially successful & in a position to help me. I can see that he’s “my hero” but the situation also rings of some legal ramifications if his wife discovers the sum I’ve accepted. Should I be direct & ask? Just FYI I’m not mistress material. Thank you for all the great advice. Your beautiful heart shines through! TJ
I realize these kinds of situations are often trickier than they seem, TJ.
Some people find it useful in situations like this to flip the script. That means telling him what hoops he would need to jump through in order to earn your trust and committed attention. This can protect you from taking a leap of faith in a situation where he is not prepared to do the same.
James
Hi TJ. Sounds to me like he turns to you every time one of his relationships ends. I would definitely say stop being his stop-gap security blanket! I think you are very gullible. I think he is pouncing on your vulnerability as a widow. I would not take a dime off him. He just wants to control you now with money. I would personally ditch him. You deserve better. 💕
Hi James,
My husband and I met through a mutual friend and when we met there was not an instant chemistry, however a week later he came over my house and professed his love to me even before any flirting let alone a kiss or anything of that nature. He told me he knew he was going to marry me and that he knew I was his soulmate. He proposed 2 months later then 3 months after that we eloped. He was in the military and it was a long distance relationship until this day. It’s been a year since then, recently we got into an argument and now he wants nothing to do with the relationship and won’t even talk to me in person about divorce/separation. I am unsure if I should be the one to keep fighting for this when he is telling me he doesn’t want to even talk let alone stay married, after he pursued me and begged me for months to marry him. This is just beyond anything I’ve ever heard, and at a total loss on what to do.
Lacey, this is a difficult situation, to say the least. I’m sorry you are going through this. My heart hurts for you.
Here’s my honest first reaction. Note that it is based on first impressions based solely on what you wrote, without knowing him at all…
He seems like a person who experiences strong moods with powerful impact on this perception and thought process. He may need counseling from a licensed mental health therapist to help him to learn the kind of introspection needed to understand his own emotional extremes and all-or-nothing thinking.
If you value this relationship and can tolerate the roller coaster, then waiting it out (without doing much to try to fix things) may be a path worth considering, because his mood may shift back the other direction, allowing him to see more clearly again in a few weeks or months.
In the meantime, surround yourself with people who make you feel sane and supported.
Hi James,
I really liked this article and am always trying hard in relationships, despite the fact that my friends say I shouldn’t. It has made me wonder if I am trying too hard though with a guy I have been speaking too. We met in Las Vegas in February, he lives there but is from the UK. He spends his time between both places. We arranged to meet when he came back to the UK, but due to the lockdown this hasn’t happened. We have however kept in touch. We have text every week, messaged via voice notes, spoken on the phone and even had a virtual date last week on facetime! He has always said that he is still keen to meet, would like to have another virtual date and meet once lockdown has been lifted. I’m happy with how things are going at the moment but realise that once lockdown is over we may need to have a conversation bout what we both want. I purchased your programme ‘His Secret Obsession’ which I have used when speaking with this guy and it has been useful and worked! To anyone reading this I highly recommend it. My friends say that he is only saying these things so he can get what he wants, he needs to chase me more and that I’m wasting my time. My gut tells me that he is genuine and that he is interested or else why would he bother saying these things? Am I trying too hard for the wrong person? I look forward to reading more of your programmes and thank you for the helpful information 😊
Thank you it’s a great reminder.
I have been spending time with a guy for almost a year now. And all of a sudden he stopped all forms of communication. Now the past couple of days he’s started talking to me again. I don’t know what to think right now. HELP!
Thank you so much for that, it was beautiful. I’ve been off course for over a year now thanks to you I’m back on.
How do some questions go to James? and other post to other coaches I guess
or how does James have criteria that he picks which questions he responds to ?
Hi James
I’ve been talking to this guy and he recently just dumped me. He is manic and bipolar and during these uncertain times with the virus he said he just wants to be friends cause he doesn’t know when he’ll see me again and he just doesn’t feel that strong of a connection. I know that’s a lie cause when we are together it was electric. This is the second time he’s done this saying he has commitment issues and can’t give me what i want but we decided before to keep talking and hanging out. I love him and want to be with him but he doesn’t seem to want the same. HELP
Hi James,
Thanks for bringing insight to me. I’ve been in this relationship with a guy who has a long distance girlfriend for a year. We struggle in between holding on and letting go. We just can’t move on from each other and its torture. He said he already made his decision choosing his girlfriend but he will come back to me. We both can’t resist each other. I don’t know what I should really do.
Hi James,
I was married for 26 years and have recently gone through an amicable divorce. Obviously I’m no spring chicken at 55 years old. But lately I’ve been feeling like a young girl again because of a crush I had on a guy, who grew up in the same town as me, has re-arisen. He’s about 4 years older, but back then that was considered a huge age gap, so we didn’t know either existed at the time we were in school. It wasn’t until I saw him many years later during a chance meeting (when I was already married) that I realized just how attractive he was. Well when I saw him I was immediately smitten and almost had myself wishing that I was single again. As time went on with my marriage, I would still think about him and actually fantasize being with him. So then about ten years later my husband coincidentally ran into him again at a local bar (both not remembering the other from that first chance meeting); but then, through conversation, they discovered the connection. So when my husband came home and asked me if I knew this guy that he had bumped into, my heart skipped a beat, and of course I knew very well who he was talking about. I definitely had a feeling that serendipity was at play, as I never forgot about this guy and my marriage was merely hanging by a thread at this point. Once my husband and I were legally separated, I went on an internet search for him and found him. So I contacted him via email to reintroduce myself by mentioning the last time I met him when he was with a mutual friend. I ended the email by asking him if he would like to get together for a coffee or drink sometime. It was a while before he responded but when he did he sounded excited and interested in the possibility of getting together. However, his life at the time which remains the same today, is extremely busy with him being a firefighter captain and caring for his 91 year old mother. So getting together has been difficult to schedule. We had made plans but they fell through due to extra demands in his work schedule. We were texting for awhile, but it’s pretty much fizzled to no contact, at least on his part. I expressed some frustration with him not texting me back for days at a time and even accused him of ghosting me, but he reassures me that he does want to to get together, it’s just that the timing is bad for me to be entering his life right now. I do believe that his career as a firefighter captain is the busiest it’s ever been due to the high rise in crime with the meth crisis that’s plagued our city, as many 911calls are handled by the first responders. And I know he’s the only available sibling to care for his mom, so I don’t want to put pressure on him, and I’d be willing to wait until life slows down a bit for him, but I’m just not sure if he’s just putting me off in hopes I’ll just go away, or if he truly is “running on fumes” as he often says. He did say to me that he has put in his retirement request for the end of this year and once things start to slow down perhaps we can get together then. What do you think I should make of this? Is he yanking my chain or should I just back off for now and try to reconnect a few months down the road?
Hi Lori. It sounds like you have something good going there, and it would be a shame to close down the possibilities for what this relationship could turn into.
I understand why you might want to guard your heart in case he is not really interested, but reading what you’ve written here, it seems that you have come to the conclusion that he is telling you the truth about how little time he has. And in that case, it was the respectful thing for him to do when he admitted that he just lacks the time a relationship would need.
However, if he is able to retire within just a matter of months, then you’ll just want to keep the door open for communication during that time. It might also help if you reread the section of my relationship course, His Secret Obsession about becoming a part of his mission rather than competing with his mission.
Thank you James for taking the time to reply. I feel more hopeful now, but will just have to remain patient for a little while longer.
Hello, I am in a long distance relationship. My boyfriend is in the UK and I am in the USA. We have been talking a year this May 2020. He was supposed to come and see me last December but could not because of his work. We have talked about me moving to the U.K, he wants me to help him finish paying on a home he is building for us. Then he said I can move there.
Hi. You’ve been talking for a year but have you actually met him? Met his friends? Met his family? If not, be very cautious. How do you know he is building a home for you? I hope I’m wrong and you’ve already met his family, friends. But, if not, this could all be a scam to get money from you. Please be careful. Excuse me if I’m wrong. M
Wow. Thank you James. I love your advice.
James…. wow!!! Thank you so much for this. It really reinforces my butterfly decisions. Sometimes long challenging relationships while taking space in between or sometimes just letting go and continuing on my journey
Hi James , I have met this wonderful man. What I didn’t know was that he has had 2 bad marriages and did not want to get serious. But his profile stated otherwise. After around 4 months we had a discussion about not wanting to get married.( This was ok with me I am not looking fot marriage. But I do want to be in a lovng relationship.) He told me he really liked me. But he said that he pushes people away and gets cold when he gets to close. Right after that I felt him pushing me away. He eventually broke it off. He still texts me once in awhile. What do you think about?
Hi Deb. That’s a painful story, and I understand why you wouldn’t want to just give up on a relatioship that had so many things going right.
Yet I find myself wondering if you would really want to pursue a man who has a pattern like this in relationships. You could try to “fix him,” but in my experience that rarely goes well (unless he is the one asking you to help him change).
I have heard of people offering that as an invitation though, “Do you like this pattern? Is it something you’re comfortable with? Or would you rather that I fight for this relationship and see what’s possible if we work together to overcome your pattern of running when things feel serious?”
I would find someone else without so much baggage… I know how you feel, been there – done that. But I knew when to shove him over the cliff and find another… Amen.
Thanks James! Great article! Sad that we have to be reminded. But that’s our biggest failures. It is cool to treat our women well and I’m not afraid to admit that need remind myself that is well below the minimum decency standard.
I’ve been married almost 32 years. I have been happy, with a couple of falls. Nothing serious. We have both been faithful and trusting. A month ago, my husband and I were handling a lot of stress… in our jobs, our families and our health. We had a very big blow up! Words were nasty and I punched a wall… literally. I have been feeling my husband pulling away for a couple of years. He has hormone imbalances -low T, low thyroid. Both are being treated but yet his desire and affection have gone. He started sleeping a lot more… and moved slowly out of our bedroom. Saying I was too restless and he was not sleeping well. I understood. As time moved on, I was becoming more and more anxious and lonely sleeping by myself every night. I started pushing for answers… and pushing more… until he BLEW!! He screamed at me- I love you- but I have no feelings in my heart of desire or affection for you any more!!! I nearly died. He was finally telling me the truth, It was heartbreaking. That night I did not sleep at all and he locked his door. Saying he was afraid I would come in and hurt him!! I gave him a couple of days to cool off and he did not- I asked one more time- Is there any hope for us? His answer was NO!! So I asked him to leave. I cannot be with someone who does not want me. He was so angry and asked if we could just live separate lives under one roof??? I said NO!!! I cannot take that rejection and he left. Here I am, reading all your messages of hope but I am running out of hope. I am having anxiety and panic attacks. I’m not sleeping or eating. I have had thoughts of ending it right now and splitting our things, YET… That is NOT what I really want. I love this man. He is a good man, a good dad and a grandpa. I don’t think he realizes what he is giving up yet… I’m fighting and trying all your suggestions. He is just beginning to speak with me now. He still says he needs more time… SO, how long should I keep trying?? I can’t wait too long as I will need to make some house repairs and sell our home. I can’t afford to live here alone and I do not want to… I cannot maintain the property -especially in the winter. I just wonder how long to wait…
TY, LEAH
Hi Leah. I’m saddened by the pain this relationship has put you through lately. You two have shared a lot of life together, and I understand why you would not want to give that up… even with the severe turbulence you have recently faced.
It strikes me that you may be looking at this situation in a binary way, meaning you have only allowed yourself to consider two options. Either or.
Chip and Dan Heath describe this common problem in their book, “Smart Choices.” They say the most important thing you can do when trying to make a tough decision is to broaden your options to avoid either/or thinking.
So here’s my challenge to you in this dark time. Generate a list of 10 ways you could buy more time. How could you prevent the house situation from forcing you into a premature decision about a 32-year relationship?
Thank you for your fast reply, I really appreciate your time and suggestions. I will read the book and make the list right away, I know I want my relationship to work. I am reading your relationship rewrite now, Thank you very much!
Sorry, I got the title of the book confused with another author’s book on decisions. The one I meant to point you toward is called “Decisive.”
Hi Leah, I am sorry for your situation, but it seems to me from reading about it that your husband is not well – you said he is suffering from Low T and low thyroid. I would imagine that would make him feel tired and emotionally “empty”. Hormones play a massive part in how we feel emotionally – I certainly know that having suffered from postnatal depression and PMT. I should think it is no different for men. It would be well for you to read about these disorders and perhaps talk to your doctor about it. You say your husband is coming round to talking to you again, perhaps he would agree to going to see a doctor with you to discuss the situation. A month is not a long time for you and he to be having problems. You really need to try to talk things through. I feel as though you are in panic mode – thinking the worst and trying to make sense of that, rather than trying to remedy the situation as it actually is. Do not act in haste. If he is not well, he needs all your support and comfort. Try thinking about him and how he feels, rather than taking it all personally and seeing only your side of things. And remember the promise you made when you married him about sticking together in sickness and health. If you were feeling ill and confused and afraid you would want him to comfort and support you, I’m sure. Men find it hard to admit that they are feeling weak and vulnerable – they think they are supposed to be the strong one in a relationship and not show weakness, and maybe that is the sort of relationship you had where he took the lead, but now is the time for you to step up and be strong for his sake and for the sake of your marriage, which you say you want to try and save. Do not give up too easily. 32 years is a long time together, and believe me, divorce is hell and being alone even more hellish!! Avoid it at all cost. Good luck!! Lorna
Hi James.
As always I value your advice. I’m so glad I took the opportunity to work with you. I’m improving my relationships and improving my life. Thanks with all my heart!
That’s awesome, Vanessa! Way to go, and thank you for your encouraging words.
James
Hi James,
I appreciate your perspective. I’m definitely someone who is willing to try harder for something worthwhile. There is a guy that I’ve been interested in for the past 4 months or so, and he is aware of my interest and seems to reciprocate. After a few weeks of flirting I gave him my phone number. He didn’t call, and when I saw him next he said he was glad I gave him my number, but that he didn’t feel that he was in a place in his life where he could start something. He mentioned work goals as a hindrance. So now I continue to see him and we have flirtations, and I have even used some of your suggestions relating to the hero instinct in the hopes of moving him closer to wanting to be in a relationship. Specifically I asked him to walk me to my car at the end of my work shift (there was a recent burglary just down the street), and I complimented his ability to organize a group of people and make a situation run more smoothly. He seemed to respond well to these things, but still things have not progressed. I guess I am struggling because our flirtation has been going on for months, and I have a hard time with the waiting and not seeming to make any real progress. Do you have any recommendations for how to get him closer to taking the plunge into a relationship?
Hi Michele,
Your post reminds me of Module 5: Why Men Say, “I’m just not ready” of His Secret Obsession. The lesson in that section is pretty profound.
Maybe re-read that section of HSO and see if you can gain some insight.
I also think you might benefit from this report by our dating and relationship expert Amy Waterman. It’s called Help Him Ask You Out.
Best,
Tracey T.
Such a useful article right when Im thinking of waiting and pursuing my long built marriage. After 25yrs, my hubby decided to move out and separate to get some space and a different view of his life. Its been 3 yrs today and I have done a lot of work on myself and I would like to propose to him a plan for the future and how this plan takes into consideration his views and wishes and also mine to which he needs to consider. I just found out that he has been seeing someone for the past 8 months and do I still suggest to meet and discuss with him or is it too late? Thank you for your valuable advice.
Sonia, “too late” only happens when you decide you are not okay with the possibility of failure while pursuing your heart’s desire.