Want to master dating and relationships? Then just learn one rule.
Sure, relationships are complex. There are a lot of moving parts. But there’s one guiding principle that brings everything else into alignment.
It’s just one rule, and it’s so important that nothing else matters if you get this one thing wrong.
More than likely you’ve heard the phrase, “alone in a crowd.” You’ve probably even experienced it.
You’re hanging out with friends, but feel no real sense of connection. You join in conversation, but you don’t feel like anyone is on the same wave-length as you.
You’re in close physical proximity, but you’re miles apart emotionally.
That’s what it means to be alone in a crowd.
And it sucks.
It’s a deflating feeling because people you should feel connected to are right there.
And as disappointing as that can be, it’s even worse when it happens with your partner. Then it’s not just deflating. It’s demoralizing. And it’s poison to the intimacy you’ve worked so hard to build.
That brings me to the single most important rule for relationships. Never let the person you love feel alone, especially when he’s in your presence.
After all, that’s why we seek out relationships. For companionship. We don’t want to feel alone. So the most important thing you can do in any relationship is guard that feeling of connection.
While the rule is simple, mastering it takes time and practice.
The good news is there’s a way to make mastering the rule a little easier.
Find a teacher. And your best teacher? It is your own experience.
Think about those times you’ve felt alone, even in the presence of people who care about you.
Go back there in your imagination. Try to recall the things that made you feel isolated.
Was it that your friend had an agenda to look cool rather than listen and connect? Was she trying to be the center of attention? Was it that no one even bothered to ask why you looked like you were in a funk? Identify the specifics that left you feeling alone.
Those experiences are your teacher. Just do the opposite.
The situations that make us feel alone tend to be universal. That means the things that leave you feeling disconnected are likely to have the very same effect on your guy.
This method also works for creating positive moments of connection.
Think of times when you felt truly understood and connected. Learn from those moments in your life. Look to those moments as unique advice specifically for you.
It’s advice about what works between you and your guy. Let those moments strengthen your relationship.
While I could give you specific ideas for creating a sense of connection, I won’t. Instead, I strongly encourage you to take the mental journey described above. Search your memories. Let them teach you.
Your approach will end up being far more personal that way. As a result, it will work better in your unique relationship.
Use your own experience as a guide to keep your guy from feeling disconnected. And use it to intentionally strengthen the bond you share.
James
Hi James, I just signed up for your course and emails a few days ago trying to be proactive. My boyfriend is a doctor who had to move to a different state for a few years for work. I know he is extremely busy and our work schedules are a few hours apart. Different time zones, as well, but I am starting to feel like things are changing and not for the better. He’s been on vacation all week and I’ve barely heard a word from him. I absolutely do not want to pressure him but he is an amazing person and it physically hurts to think things might end. Advice?
Hi Angelica. It would be great if the two of you could spend some time together in the same physical location. Is that possible right now while he’s on vacation?
If not, focus on setting up routines or traditions for speaking at a certain time over web conference twice a week or more. This reduces the friction for connecting with each other. If he has an erratic schedule due to his physician responsibilities, schedule a once per month meeting between the two of you to schedule out times when you can both be available and prioritize spending time communicating via video conference or phone calls.
Your best bet right now is to increase propinquity.
James
Ty. Yes, increased closeness is what I’m looking for now that geography is working against us. Thank you for suggesting a regular schedule. I will definitely bring that up.
Hi James. I have been texting a guy and have met him twice and now every time he wants to met up with me and I say yes, about 2 hours later he texts me and says he can’t or he thinks I’m talking to others men. I’m not talking to anyone but him so what do I do?
Hi Jill,
Trust is a delicate and important part to all relationships. We have some great reports on this topic and I want to recommend three of them to you. They are: Building Trust With Jealous Boyfriends, When Trust Issues Threaten Your Relationship and How to Spot His Lies and Build Honesty.
Hopefully, these reports can give you some guidance on where to go from here.
Wishing you the best,
Tracey
Jill, it sounds very much like situations we have encountered in the past in which a person is trying to use a tactic of pushing you away to get you thinking you have to prove yourself to him and dedicate yourself to him to win his attention. It’s the tactic of “a player.”
The other possibility is that he is socially paranoid and has little awareness of how he comes across to others.
In either scenario, it seems you would be better off without a person like that in your life.
Hi James,
I have recently started a sexual relationship with a man I work with. He does have a girlfriend that is sick and I do believe it is more of a caretaker relationship. It was just supposed to be sexual but I’ve developed some pretty strong feelings and I do believe he has feelings for me but he’s been pulling away. I realize it’s not an ideal situation but I would really like to know if there’s anything I can do to pull him back to me
hey James
I have this problem every time I fall in love. I don’t see myself being loved again. I’m dating another guy and feel like my relationship is ending slowly. I love him a lot and I don’t know what to do. Please help me.
Hey Tamara,
It sounds like this may be a pattern and if you recognize it, you can work on it. I’m sure you are loved more than you know and I’m proud of you for reaching out for help.
I recommend that you bring this up in our private forum where we have actual relationship coaches on staff to answer questions and give advice. To access this forum, you would need to sign up for the Irresistible Insiders Club.
Best,
Tracey
Hi James,
My story is much like Denise’s. I’m 41 years old. I met my boyfriend almost a year ago online. We got along in the beginning. He offered for me to move into his apartment. We have been living together, but after a month of me moving in everything went downhill. He stopped showing me affection or that he was even attracted to me. He has become distant. We have talked about our feelings but it has just driven us farther apart. I am in love with him, but I don’t know if he feels the same. Please help me
Dalista,
It seems you know what you want right now. But it’s the kind of thing that’s hard to ask for. It’s like a woman asking her man to be more romantic, and the next day he buys her flowers. It would’ve meant more if he did it spontaneously because he wanted to.
This is why sometimes it is better to delay those kinds of direct requests in a situation like this. And instead, focus on learning where his mind and desire has drifted to.
Except when we are profoundly depressed, we humans always feel motivated to pursue things we want. When he seems distant, it’s because the things he wants are not things he’s talking about or sharing with you.
But if you’ve taken my course, His Secret Obsession, then you know how to reengage those natural wants. Use that knowledge to bend his natural desires back toward the relationship.
Hi there, I am a 44 year old woman who is now divorced after an extremely bad 25 year marriage. I met up with an old childhood friend, after years of no contact, and he told me that he was absolutely obsessed with me, when we were younger but never had the guts to tell me, and after seeing me again still felt the same. I really like him too and we’ve been talking and flirting with each other since, but only ever on the phone, as he is so difficult to meet, due to him working away so much. But Very recently he has gone completely cold on me and has totally stopped contacting me out the blue. I don’t know what to do, cause I really like him.
Hey, Salima. See if you can come up with 10 ideas for what you could try. They don’t all have to be great ideas, since the point of this exercise is just to get you thinking. Making a long list like this feels difficult, but it often uncovers the creative intuition that’s just under the surface. Once you have a list, identify the best three options and consider which one feels right to you before putting it into action.
In a situation like this, you really don’t have much to lose so long as you continue to be warm, pleasant, and polite so you can keep the door open to communication if things change (Remember, we really have no idea what’s going on in his head yet). Time is now your ally. If he didn’t forget you after several decades passed, he is unlikely to suddenly lose all feelings for you across the course of a few weeks. So let’s wait this out and see what happens.
Thank you James, your advice actually made me feel really positive, as what you said about him not forgetting about me for years, really made sense. I’ve fallen for him big time, because of all the things that he told me that he remembered about me, all them years ago, and how he felt back then and then when seeing me again how he felt the same butterflies in his stomach. However I am not sure why now that he has the opportunity to take our friendship to another level, because he knows that I like him too, he pulls back.
Hi James,
I am reading your ‘His Secret Obsession’ now and it’s great but I’m finding it hard to relate to my situation. My husband and I have been together 14yrs, married for 7 with 2 beautiful kids and are on the verge of separation. I desperately want to save it but he has said he just doesn’t love me like that anymore. I recognize this has been going on for years and we both know we’ve had a part to play in the state of our marriage. He has totally disconnected emotionally and we don’t fight, we are no longer intimate, he has moved to a friends for ‘space’. I try to just talk to him but he doesn’t engage and I’m finding it hard to implement anything that would make him ‘see’ me again. It’s all very fresh and he still has to come to the house most days as we are renovating and his stuff is still here and for the kids who are his world, and I just don’t see any hope. I have hope and I believe we can be amazing but he can’t force feelings back in and I don’t know how to trigger him. I’m getting frustrated and feel desperate that I want to fix us so badly. Does it need more time? Am I trying to rush it? I feel like the longer I leave it the more he just floats away. What do I do??
Reading all of these concerns and responses makes me feel very connected and reassured in an uncertain world for romance right now.
Thank you for all of you being willing to share your stories. I am divorced and have really enjoyed Jame’s advice because I guess I never knew there was a systmatic way to a man’s heart. I always thought it was food! I have listened and read his suggestions and it has made me think about past relationships and have I started to rethink the future with relationships.
Thank you James!
Hey Pammi. I’m so glad to have positive, open-minded participants like you sharing this adventure with us. Thank you for the encouragement and for being a valued member of our community of people who invest in building beautiful relationships.
James
Hi James,
I’m a 40 year old foreign woman who came to the US for travel and stayed for COVID and hoping to meet somebody after ending a long time relationship.
I met my guy (age 56) 6 months ago and he immediately asked me to move in with him, I’ve been living at his rental apartment (we split the expenses) and first everything was very good, he was sweet and caring, he even asked me to marry him, and then we went on a long trip with a friend of his and everything since was terrible! so I moved out ready to move on with my life, but he kept reaching out to me so we talked, i apologized to him about some things that happened during the trip and I moved back in.
Things were going ok until I brought up the whole marriage thing 2 weeks ago…
Either of us have a job so he said he won’t do it unless we both have jobs, i offered to open a business together but the whole being a foreigner thing makes everything more difficult and he’s not putting a lot of effort or even hope into that. I feel like he’s only looking for an excuse not to marry me and that he’s emotionally disconnected from me cause he pulled away and he’s not kissing or hugging or even touching me at all ever since. He’s still showing me some love by cooking or opening the door for me, but I don’t feel like that’s enough.
Yesterday he told me he had a dream about his ex taking some of his things after they got divorced and he said he’s not doing it again.
I think he’s just hanging out with me because of the whole economic situation but when my time to get back home comes he’s just gonna let the relationship fade away
Please help me to figure this out! I love him and I really don’t want to lose him
Hello, I have goosebumps reading the comments. I’m a man, 52 years old and last had a relationship in 2000. It started as being fed up and I ended up enjoying my own company. I go out on my own and have fun then come back home all happy and exhausted. I think I am ready now to give someone a chance, try dating again. Didn’t think I’d be able to allow someone in my space again but after reading the comments, I think I am now ready.
Hello Noluzuko,
I was just curious if anyone got back to you after you posted your comment. I’ve been reading all of the other comments and the questions that were asked and it seemed that no one replied to you. I was interested because I am trying to make a difficult decision in my relationship and I’m very close to your age.
Never give up!!
I am learning a lot from your program but am o too late?
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months. In the beginning it was amazing he asked if I believed in soul mates said he never felt like this before etc. We pent a month traveling together and moved in together when we got back with a plan to fix up his house so we can move in 3 years (when his daughter finishes school)
Since we’ve been back it’s like a different relationship- the day we were moving he announced he had mixed feelings about moving in we talked and decided to give it 6 months then After moving in I found out he had lied about being in a relationship after his divorce that ended 2 months before we met ((he said he hasn’t been with anyone for 4 years) which caused a huge break in trust since then it’s been cold at best and no he’s saying he just wants to be alone and he doesn’t know what wrong with him. He seems depressed I’ve suggested counseling he’s not open to it I also suggested he plan something to look forward to (which he has but he doesn’t see excited ) if he’s depressed I want to take by him and work through it or should I walk away because he is telling me he wants to be alone? I’ve backed of from spending all my time with him and am trying to give him space but I have given up my place to live with him and I really do think we can have a great future together
Hi Lorraine. It does seem like you have taken a leap of faith in this relationship only to have him turn back and burn the trust you placed in him.
If I was to guess, I’d say at this point he doesn’t like the person he has become. He knows he has lost some of your admiration and trust because of his deception. For guys, who want to be admired by the person they are with, it’s hard to see yourself in a relationship when you feel like a broken person who has to be fixed. Some men rise to the challenge rather than wallowing in pity. Unfortunately, it seems he is giving in and giving up.
For this reason, it might be best to give him the space he has requested along with a clear path he would need to take if he chooses to win you back. (That’s the only way this is going to work in the long term anyway. He needs to fight for you, not reluctantly accept the relationship.)
You don’t want to continue pushing a mothering type interaction with him. If he’s going to pursue a relationship with you, he needs to understand that it’s got to be when he steps up, makes it clear that he is interested in pursuing the relationship, and then follows through of his own accord and motivation. Tell him you are open to that, but that in the meantime you will be pursuing life without him.
Hello, I’m Lety
I’m 50 years old, I got separated after 28 of marriage – 6 months ago.
My high school sweetheart who I still have strong feelings for, contacted me, to let me know that he never stopped loving me. He is married and lives in a different country.
After 3 weeks of communication and flirting over the phone, I told him that I couldn’t continue because he is married, and it’s not right!
I’m desperate to contact him back, but I won’t.
Is it possible for a man to leave his wife to go back to his ex?!
Thank you
Hi James I’m Broken: I’m 3 weeks out of an 11 year relationship, that I didn’t know was over. I literally found him at this new woman’s apartment, where I found out later he’s been staying for 3 months now. The thing is I feel like I’ve been suckerpunched and Im at a loss as to what to do. HE says he still Loves me and wants to be there for me but he’s still living with HER. I feel like I’ve lost my Best friend, My Partner, My Everything. Any Advice?
Hi Tatiyana. I grieve for you, and I grieve for the loss of a relationship that no doubt was once beautiful and full of promise.
Who knows when it happened, but at some point (maybe even before the two of you met) he decided it’s okay to be romantically involved with two people and to deceive one or both people along the way. Obviously, that is not the man you believed you were dating. And if you were to start over now I don’t think you would choose to begin a relationship with someone like that.
So this may be a situation where “zero-sum thinking” helps you to see your options more clearly. With zero-sum thinking you ask yourself, “knowing what I now know, would I invest in this relationship if I had to start over from the beginning and have not already invested so much in it?”
This question is designed to clear our minds of sunken cost bias. That’s the tendency we all have to want to continue investing in something based on investments we’ve made in the form of time, money, energy, or anything else in the past.
I’m sorry that this man deceived you. You may benefit from reading this mini-report on surviving this kind of situation.
It’s called The Reset Button, and you can access it here.
Hi Tatiyana. My heart breaks for you. I am 1 year out of a 30 year relationship that I had no idea was over until I saw on a friend’s Facebook page, a picture of my ex-husband with another woman, who claimed to be in a relationship with him. I wish I had helpful advice for you, but after a year, I still struggle with this every day and night. I wish you the very best as you try to get through this.
Rosie, hello. I’m sorry and my heart goes out to you. I’m in a 25 year marriage now and things are going bumpy as today. I’m sorry to hear that you have been going through this for a year now. With your comment that it has been a year and you still have hard days and nights. Left me crying 😭. I don’t want to think that it would take me a year and how I may go through the same thing you have. Please don’t get me wrong. My heart goes out to you. You have climb the biggest hit yet. The first year. I do not look forward to going through my first year. (For myself) Thank you for being honest with this. Now I know what I have to go through. Love your way Rosie. Thanks for opening my eyes. Signed with you.
Hi. I unintentionally pushed the love of my life away by not believing that he loved me. Even though the signs were there that he did. All of this due to a bad previous marriage And lack of self love and belief.
Any suggestions as to how I can fix this?
Do you think he sees it the same way? If I asked him why things ended between the two of you, would he tell me it’s because you did not believe he really loved you? Or would he have a different perspective?
The first step is sometimes telling the story of your relationship…you can even write it as a letter you send to him. Ask if he sees it the same way or differently. Sometimes this reveals openings for a new beginning that were previously hidden.
James
Dear Friend, if he is living with another woman, he does Not love you. Hes keeping his options open,in case it doesn’t work out! Hes a turd! Dust yourself down, have pampering spa treatment. Link up with a pal for a fun day out. Restore your self esteem. Don’t go back to him. You deserve better. Best wishes.
I have been with my fiance for 7months now and he was so sweet and loving and caring in the beginning and now his ex girlfriend is telling him what we can and can’t do and to he listens to her because now all the caring and love and affection and attention has gone we fight alot over him and his ex and he said he loves me and wants me but his actions say different I just don’t know what to do about it anymore I truly love him and deeply in love with him and I don’t want to lose him but it feels like I already have and am questioning weather or not if he does love me or just saying it
Hi Tina. You might want to read our mini-report titled Handling Competition Like A Queen.
And here’s another of our reports that may help in your specific situation: https://beirresistible.com/members/library/irresistible-insight-85/learn-more/
I really do love your emails
Great lessons to learn from.
I’ve been in an emotional relationship for a few months and feel so deeply connected. Like I’ve never felt before. When we look at each other it’s like we can see into each others souls. Over the last couple of months he’s pulled away and I don’t know why. He has 2 children and I have 1. The girls are around the same age and like to play. His daughter is very connected to me as well. I see them once or twice per week usually in a public setting. I tried the asking for help scenario and it got his attention but I went too far with it and made it about my feelings. He stopped texting me. I’m afraid I can’t ask for help again as he will suspect it’s a trick. I don’t know what else to do. I haven’t sent any texts today and that is sooooo hard. I miss the communication and the connection. Not sure what else to do. My heart is so full when I think about him and feels so empty all at the same time.
Hi Hope. Do you have a sense for the “mission” he is on right now? Because he is a man, there’s a good chance he is feeling pulled toward some sort of goal or primary objective that he wants to nail down before he lets himself get lost in the beautiful connection you’ve described. Maybe that’s something you could get him talking about instead of pulling at his Hero Instinct again right away.
Hi James,
How can you reconnect with someone to that level emotionally after a break up that you were with for a year and a half? We were together for a year or so before going to college and what not. We always said we had an open relationship to each other when something is bothering one of us, but I was broken up with about a little over a month ago. I felt it came out of no where. We were best friends and his mom told me he was always fine without someone even as an infant. But we had something beautiful and I know I touched him deeply. Would it be possible to have something with him again if I was the only one he really connected with?
Yes, of course. The connection you build with him will be new. Relationships are like plants. They are always growing or dying, but never staying the same. And the relationship you build with him from here forward will be a brand new adventure in loving each other and sharing parts of your life story as you become intertwined once again.
Wishing you love and happiness,
James
Hi Hope,
It sounds like a very painful situation. Your situation needs a bit of back-and-forth dialogue though so I recommend you bring up in our private forum.
Within this private community you can ask questions and share experiences with like-minded women and our most advanced members. This way you can get extra real-time feedback and support for your unique situation.
Warm wishes,
Tracey T.
Help! Not sure if this program is for me and considering asking for a refund unless I can find the help I need..I downloaded the secret obsession book and read it, but is there more in this program that I have not read or found? What I did read sounds good, about making your man feel he can be your hero, but much of what I read seems to pertain to a newer relationship, and I am feeling as well that my situation and man is unique…I have been living with my boyfriend for 2 years now. I have a daughter and he has a daughter and a son. Things were great at first, but have now settled into me feeling like he just wants me to do things for him and to care for the kids. We hardly have a relationship anymore. He found a game on his ipad last year that involves playing on a team live with other people, and it has absolutely taken him over..his time AND our money…to be better in the game, you need to buy “gear” and he would rather spend any extra money on this game than on anything else, including doing things with the family. He hardly pays any attention to me anymore, and rather chats with his friends in the game, and is engrossed in it. He wants me to run all the errands, do all the housework, and only takes time to do things with the kids, but never with just me anymore…we used to go for walks, cook together, go out..none of that happens any more and whenever I bring it up, he says I am stressing him out, or calls it nagging or bitching. I am SO jealous when he sits laughing and reading what his friends in his game are saying, but doesnt listen when I try to talk to him. I am so lost on what to do to get him back. I feel replaced by this game which totally fulfills his “hero needs” and his urges to be a “winner”. I have told him I feel this way and it only pushes him away more.
Hi Angela. Your situation is complex, but I want to reassure you that if he is the kind of man worth having a relationship with, the hero instinct will be a powerful trigger that influences what he does next.
You were very insightful to recognize the way this game and associated social environment has fulfilled much of his hero instinct needs. You are in the situation I described in the case example of Darren and Vicky (on page 178 of your course materials…in the main HSO book). And because of that similarity, it might help to read and re-read that section.
If you’d like further help in figuring out how to apply these principles to your unique situation, I’d like to invite you to join our private forum where our relationship coaches can answer your specific questions and walk this journey with you. Here’s a link to access our private forum.
Hello James,
I have been reading for about a week with no examples on how to know if this will truly help my love life. I am in love with a man who says he loves me too. He works all the time. I feel if I could somehow get us to go out, then our fun will begin. How do you get a work-a-holic to slow down?
Hey Felicia,
I have the perfect article for you! It’s 3 Rules for Dating Busy Men. James gives us some golden tips about dating “busy” men. I hope this helps!
Best,
Tracey
Oh I have ‘Been alone in a crowd’ a lot of my life, so I do empathize with this article. But sometimes guys think your flirting with them because you see sadness?
On the other hand, I feel tuned into a man who keeps me at arms length most of the time, and it breaks my heart when I see him sad, or hurt or just alone and I don’t know how or can’t communicate all the love I have in my heart for him.
James,
I started receiving these articles at a critical time in my life, and yes they strengthen me. As we agree on almost everything it is nice to hear what I believe is true and have written about and yes, eventually spoken about as well. It’s healing when you have come from a chaotic marriage to hear truth encouraged. Now we need a James Bauer Love Cruise or Retreat, and all meet! I bet we would find some love matches, possibly marriages at said event, and you could officiate a marriage! Would you consider a retreat? Your advice is always the most thought out, humble, kind and romantic ideas, please consider it.
You are so sweet, Nancy. A retreat would be a lot of fun. It seems we all still need face to face contact in this age of digital communication. I’ll contemplate your suggestions, though I’m not licensed to tie the knot for anyone! 🙂
Sounds interesting!
I would like to receive the series I ordered in hard copy or paperwork, is that possible?
Hi Patricia. Two of my main relationship courses are in print as physical books. You can find out how to receive a physical copy in the mail by contacting my support team at [email protected]
I’m excited to hear how you put these methods to work in your relationship!
James
I would also wish to receive this series in books please. Is that possible?
Do you mean physical copies of the course materials?
Is your program just E-books? I would like a paper book copies.
Hi Debbie,
Some of our books are available in physical copy.
Please go to beirresistible.com to find out more or email [email protected].
Warm wishes,
Tracey
I enjoy your emails, but they are too WIDE for my cellphone screen
Thanks for the feedback.
Dear James I was in a three-year relationship with this man I did everything that I was supposed to do but I wanted him to be more independent but instead he ran into another woman’s arms I still love this man and I want this man bad what advice do you have.
Hi Kerry,
Thanks so much for your comment! Your situation sounds complicated and I feel like you’d greatly benefit from being a part of our community and some back and forth consultation. I recommend that you bring it up in our private forum where we have actual relationship coaches on staff to answer questions and give advice. To access this forum, you would need to sign up for the Irresistible Insiders Club.
Within this private community, you can also ask questions and share experiences with like-minded women and our most advanced members. This way you can get extra real-time feedback and support for your unique situation.
Warm wishes,
Tracey T.
Hi
I was seeing someone for over a year and one fine day he just dumped saying we wanted different things from life.
Things got rocky when he had started texting/sexting his ex and that really messed with my confidence. I was very vulnerable and he probably didn’t want to deal with that. He just left the city to stay with his family and said he didn’t want this at all.
I didn’t say much other than a few mean things and left it at that. Two days later and its been 3 weeks now, he texts and calls everyday.
He knows I must be broken but daily calls and all day texting is crazy confusing. I think we make a great team and want to be with him but not at the cost of this happening again. We usually talk about everything like we used to without the ‘love you’ messages.
I don’t know how to say or do anything to get us back in the direction of our relationship.
I can only imagine how confusing this must feel right now. Based on what you’ve written here, I wouldn’t be surprised if he is also feeling a bit confused and perhaps even mystified by his own behavior.
It might help if you gained some clarity about what you want him to do right now. Then tell him. Don’t hint. Don’t imply. Just tell him something like, “I want to heal our relationship. If you want that to, then this is what I need you to do next.”
James
Hi James, I have been divorced for more than 8 years dated about 4 men I just don’t seem to be interested in some and the ones I have don’t want a relationship I am seeing one right now but he doesn’t want a relationship he comes and goes when he wants to and I’m not even sure if I can stay with him cuz I don’t like alot of the things he does of the way he is but I like his company and talking to him but in bed he’s not what I want or even what I like but I think about him all the time and I can’t even go out with someone else cuz I don’t like the way they are in don’t know if they are the problem or its me I’m I asking to much of someone I just thinking I’m to picky or I’m to damaged what should I do I’m not the type of person to go out with just anyone I ether like the person right away and I go out if not no matter what they say or do I just can’t
Alma, It sees like your situation is very much like mine. After 8 and a half years on my own after a painful divorce, I am now deciding not to bother getting to know another man as a potential partner. I have been very hurt – firstly by the way my ex-husband treated me during the divorce and now by how the man in my life is treating me. This, I now realise, is because he may have Borderline Personality Disorder, and cannot allow himself to have a committed, emotional, intimate relationship. He is too afraid of being hurt again. You need to realize that after going through a tough time, we are all bound to feel very vulnerable. It is only natural, if we are sensitive people. You are hurting. You are afraid to allow anyone to hurt you again. So you put up protective walls. I would say, do not continue in a relationship if it is not what you really want, and you are not getting your needs met. No, it is not that you are too picky. Why would you want to settle for someone who is not right for you? And the “in bed” situation is very important in a loving relationship. If he is not what you are looking for in that department, then in my view, he is not right for you, unless you can discuss and improve the situation. Maybe you could just stay “friends”? (Without the benefits!!) But you may find that cramps your style and prevents you finding someone else. Do not get anxious about finding another relationship and rush into something too soon that may not be what you want. Just allow yourself to heal. Get out and do things that you enjoy – preferably where you mix with lots of people. Work on getting your self-esteem and trust back, and eventually you will probably feel more able to allow yourself to love again. It is worth getting books on the subject, to help you understand what is happening to you. And do NOT blame yourself because the men in your life may be having their own problems. I hope this is of help for you to understand that you are not alone with your problem. It seems that a lot of people are in the same situation these days. Good luck! Lorna x
James, I have enjoyed reading your advice, I had a happy marriage for forty-three years and am now a widow. I sometimes feel alone though not lonely. I love life and feel I may even have a new relationship one day. Whether I do or not I think it is important to live one day at a time and be open to life at all times. My friends and family are hugely important to me though my husband and I did not have any children.
One can learn new ideas about relationships even at seventy! Thankyou for your interesting books.
Hi June. Thank you for living all-out and setting an example for others.
James
HI June:
I have almost identical situation as you, only I am 72.
I have the problem of shyness. When I meet someone who is single, I am so gosh dang shy, I shake hands and quickly look away. I have been shy all my life. I gather that is a turn off to men. Have had 1 date, but can’t get the courage up to get back into dating.
I just don’t know how to get over this.
I am happy, live for every moment since my husband
passed in 2014, had a great 43 years of great farming partnership and love. Met when 18, married at 25 and didn’t sleep with til marriage. That I believe.
Help, anyone.
Hello Eve. Thank you for sharing a bit of your life story with us. Being on the socially anxious side of things does make dating a bit more stressful. Owning that fact is the first step to dealing with it effectively, so good job on that first step.
One of the best things you can do is to saturate your mind with the best ideas for overcoming shyness and social anxiety. Here are two books that are excellent for that purpose:
or…
the book, Thriving with social anxiety.
You may also benefit from my short report on Developing Alluring Confidence with Men, which you can find here.
One of the reasons dating is hard for people with shy personalities is because they feel self-conscious about flirting. But in my guide to flirting strategies, I teach a low-stress method for flirting that doesn’t feel awkward. You may find this is the most useful thing given the situation you described.
Thank you so much, James. I consider myself as happily married woman, yet I still enjoy reading your articles. I feel like it’s better to prevent myself from doing some mistakes, rather than tried to solve them after…
So I bought your course. Can’t wait to start reading it. Thank you for guiding all of us:)
Yeah, I had that feeling… Throughout the 8 years I dated my ex. Living with a person, who makes you feel like that, for so many years, caused depression and loss of self worth, self respect and
confidence. It’s HORRIBLE!
After the break-up I was estranged as well – I moved far away, into the country. Even if the scenery was beautiful and I did have someone to whom I felt connected with, I was lonely. I had lost almost all my friends too at the time of the break-up. Sometimes I felt so lonely that music was my closest friend. It was like living inside a bubble where only a few gestures could be felt.
I now have the BEST connection ever with a new guy, we had it from the first moment and even if I can still feel deoressed by lack of friends (it takes time you know..) I am doing MUCH better now.
Sending out warm thought to everyone feeling disconnected or lonely now <3
Anette It is so wonderful to hear your heart-warming story of moving on with your life. Yes, I too, have found great comfort from music. I have started to sing solo at my local folk club and also at the open-mike night at a local pub. I have wonderful friends who will back me on guitar. It has improved my self-esteem enormously. It is SO important to get out and mix with like-minded people. Give anythng a try. Try not to pass up on invitations, even if you think you may not like it. That way you will find something that “floats your boat”. I hope things turn out well with your new man. Lorna
James, yet another beautiful article. And you made me cry!! It was just what I needed right now to try to re-connect with my man, who has his own problems. He finds it so hard to let his feelings out – except when he is drunk!! And I know he feels all alone in the world. I’ve tried so hard to connect with him. I believe he is afraid of being hurt again. I have certainly felt that disconnection you describe – at a time 7 years ago when I was newly separated from my husband and going through my divorce. I was walking down a busy, buzzing shopping street one beautiful warm, sunny Saturday afternoon – when everyone was out shopping with partners and family and friends, and enjoying drinking coffee and chatting at the side-walk cafes – and I literally felt like I was floating along the street inside a transparent bubble – totally cut off from it all and alone. Very weird!! And it still happens now, to a lesser degree in some situations – feeling alone in a crowded room. Relationships are not easy, as you so rightly say, and I am also having trouble with my two eldest daughters at the moment. All brought about, I believe, by the hurt and anquish caused to everyone by the separation and divorce from their father seven and a half years ago. They are now 41 and 34, but they are acting like children at the moment. They won’t talk to me, either, which does not help the situation. I believe that talking can be the only way forward. But it is sometimes the hardest thing to do. To show your soft under-belly and make yourself vulnerable. Your forum is such a wonderful outlet for people. You provide an enormous service to so many hurting, lonely people. I can’t thank you enough for all the insightful advice you have provided for me – but “Thank you”, anyway, once again, from me. I keep hoping that I will one day “Find the Peace in the Eye of the Storm”. I think I am slowly getting there. Lorna
Lorna, that means a lot to me. Your thanks are heartfelt, and that uplifts me and encourages me. I also appreciate the way you reach out to others and offer helpful comments in response to their questions.
James
Thank you James. I have been through a lot of heartache over the past seven and a half years, with my painful divorce after almost 40 years of marriage. And now for the last three and a half years my involvement with a man who drinks and has huge psychological problems, and having two of my daughters turning against me for no apparent reason – but thank God for my beautiful youngest daughter – and all my supportive friends. I have often felt suicidel, though thankfully not very often now. I have read numerous self-help books, as well as gathering information on alcohol abuse – so I feel I have garnered a lot of knowledge. And it is interesting that these problems exist across the whole spectrum of society. We are all from respectable middle class backgrounds – well educated, with a good up-bringing. My daughers are all qualified professionals – 1. an architect; 2. a lawyer and 3. a school teacher. My husband is a retired professional engineer and my man was a lawyer, although struck off for bad-behaviour. As I keep saying, your articles are some of the most insightful and empowering – for which I am so grateful. You make a lot of sense out of chaos. It’s nice to know that I can pass on some of my experience to others through your forum. Out of a bad situation, there has come some good. We are all in this together, and I feel if I can help, then it has not been all bad. Keep on doing all your good work, James. I am sure you must derive a lot of satisfaction from what you do. Many, many thanks. Lorna
Hi there. I have been enjoying reading your emails and blog. I am getting a lot out of them. I tried to order your product a couple of weeks ago. I guess it didn’t go through, because I was using a tablet. That’s what the woman on the phone had said, when I called. She said to try from home on a computer. I did try. I still was unable to order. I am not sure exactly why. I was able to order a similar product from Kelsey Diamond, who used the same billing people. I think I would rather have bought your system. I like the way you write. No disrespect to Mr Diamond, he has some good advice. I should have thought to let you know before. But if you haven’t been getting the sales you expect. You might look into the situation. I hope others are not having the same issues. Take care, I look forward to your daily emails and insites. – Colleen
Thanks for your encouraging words, Colleen. I will check with my technical support team to see if they can spot any problems that might be interfering with your attempt to order one of my relationship courses.
James
I am having the same problem