Want to master dating and relationships? Then just learn one rule.
Sure, relationships are complex. There are a lot of moving parts. But there’s one guiding principle that brings everything else into alignment.
It’s just one rule, and it’s so important that nothing else matters if you get this one thing wrong.
More than likely you’ve heard the phrase, “alone in a crowd.” You’ve probably even experienced it.
You’re hanging out with friends, but feel no real sense of connection. You join in conversation, but you don’t feel like anyone is on the same wave-length as you.
You’re in close physical proximity, but you’re miles apart emotionally.
That’s what it means to be alone in a crowd.
And it sucks.
It’s a deflating feeling because people you should feel connected to are right there.
And as disappointing as that can be, it’s even worse when it happens with your partner. Then it’s not just deflating. It’s demoralizing. And it’s poison to the intimacy you’ve worked so hard to build.
That brings me to the single most important rule for relationships. Never let the person you love feel alone, especially when he’s in your presence.
After all, that’s why we seek out relationships. For companionship. We don’t want to feel alone. So the most important thing you can do in any relationship is guard that feeling of connection.
While the rule is simple, mastering it takes time and practice.
The good news is there’s a way to make mastering the rule a little easier.
Find a teacher. And your best teacher? It is your own experience.
Think about those times you’ve felt alone, even in the presence of people who care about you.
Go back there in your imagination. Try to recall the things that made you feel isolated.
Was it that your friend had an agenda to look cool rather than listen and connect? Was she trying to be the center of attention? Was it that no one even bothered to ask why you looked like you were in a funk? Identify the specifics that left you feeling alone.
Those experiences are your teacher. Just do the opposite.
The situations that make us feel alone tend to be universal. That means the things that leave you feeling disconnected are likely to have the very same effect on your guy.
This method also works for creating positive moments of connection.
Think of times when you felt truly understood and connected. Learn from those moments in your life. Look to those moments as unique advice specifically for you.
It’s advice about what works between you and your guy. Let those moments strengthen your relationship.
While I could give you specific ideas for creating a sense of connection, I won’t. Instead, I strongly encourage you to take the mental journey described above. Search your memories. Let them teach you.
Your approach will end up being far more personal that way. As a result, it will work better in your unique relationship.
Use your own experience as a guide to keep your guy from feeling disconnected. And use it to intentionally strengthen the bond you share.
James
Hello James,
All your lessons are really inspiring.
I’m reading now about the hero instinct.
Here is my story and I want some serious help.
Let me tell you everything in detail.
I and this guy, we are friends for 9 years. We share good closeness and openness with each other. We are staying in the same city and we meet up every day. He is very caring and concerned about each and everything about me. We are already in each other’s daily routine like having breakfast together, staying in the weekend, having parties together. He also says that he is never gonna let me go and being with me is his happiness but he also says that he is not sure that he wants to spend his entire life with me as he is doubtful about himself as he had a breakup previously where they ended up after 4 years of relationship as he was not sure about the future.
After his first relationship, he is into relationship with another girl which is a long distance relationship, they chat with each other, call each other, video calling, online playing games as well as watch series with each other everyday. On the other hand we became physically intimate with each other and we both know we love to spend time together but because of her he is not able to give his all into our relationship. I asked him why don’t you confront her and tell her the truth, he is like he doesn’t want to take any drastic step at this moment and if he confronts the truth he feels she’ll die as she’s very much dependent on him. He is also saying the second relationship just started with casual chat and he was also not sure it would go this far which is also approx. 4 years. He doesn’t want the relationship either and has told the girl also that he doesn’t have any intention of marrying her. But the girl is still with him knowing the fact that he is not into any real life commitment with her.
Because of these two incidents he is doubtful about us and thinking that even if he broke up with her and we started an official relationship he doubts if he is ready for life time commitment or not with me.
I am seriously clueless right now on what to do what not to do. If you can help me then will be really great. I seriously don’t want to cheat anybody but I want my friend, my bff, my comfort zone as my life partner. And also our friend circle know we make a wonderful couple. But everything is stuck just because he is tied to another girl and fearful of telling her the truth..
Please help me out.
Hi Pari,
Thanks so much for your comment! Your situation sounds complicated and I feel like you’d greatly benefit from being a part of our community and some back and forth consultation. I recommend that you bring it up in our private forum where we have actual relationship coaches on staff to answer questions and give advice. To access this forum, you would need to sign up for the Irresistible Insiders Club.
Within this private community, you can also ask questions and share experiences with like-minded women and our most advanced members. This way you can get extra real-time feedback and support for your unique situation.
Warm wishes,
Tracey T.