Are you settling for the guy you are with?
Should you look for a better relationship when things are “just okay” in your current relationship?
Women who are currently in a satisfying relationship can still point out a few flaws in their partner. Some of those flaws may have worried them when they were contemplating a commitment.
Other women can tell you about a guy they wish they had never pulled away from. How do you know whether you are going to regret the decision later to pour your heart, life, and time into a man?
Naturally, there are several different ways you can try to make a decision about a man. But there’s one method in particular that I really like. The method I’m talking about is superior, in my opinion, because it gets right to the heart of the matter.
Here’s the method I suggest to see if you are settling for the wrong man.
Ask yourself if you are happier because of this man’s presence in your life right now.
Then switch that question around.
Ask yourself if you would feel a sense of relief if he broke off the relationship with you tomorrow.
Here’s why these two important questions matter more than all the guesswork you could do about the future. Trying to decide if you are settling is really the wrong question. I say it’s the wrong question because it requires that you do the impossible. It requires you to compare the man you are with to some imaginary man you might meet in the future.
Imaginary people can have any qualities you want. In real life, all people have flaws. Yes, some people are better suited to a relationship with you, and some people really can make you happier. Nonetheless, that does not change the fact that it is impossible to know whether you will one day meet someone who makes you even happier than the guy you are with. Since it is impossible to know the answer to the question, it’s not a useful question to ask. It’s better to focus on what is happening now.
Let’s get back to those two questions that help you decide whether you are settling for the wrong man.
First, are you happier because this man is in your life right now? If so, I would venture to bet you are not settling. If his presence in your life adds meaning and joy, you should embrace him whole-heartedly and turn down the dial on your worry a couple notches.
Now to the second question.
Would it be a relief if he called you tomorrow to break off the relationship or ask for some time apart to date other people? I realize you would most likely have mixed emotions, but if one of those emotions in the mix was a significant sense of relief, there’s a good chance you are settling. If a breakup would only yield feelings of loss, and no sense of relief, you most certainly are not settling. He is a man you want in your life.
The sense of relief is significant because it represents the conclusion of your intuitive mind. Your intuition is really your unconscious process of filtering through tons and tons of information. We don’t receive the results of that analysis in the form of a conscious thought like, “Yes, he is the right one for me.” Rather, you get the results of intuition when you ask questions that cause your mind to pay attention to certain emotions that speak on behalf of the unconscious conclusions some part of your mind has reached.
A feeling of relief would mean some part of you has come to the conclusion that you really do need to spend time dating other people before you will know if this man you are with is really the right sort of man for you. If the idea of a breakup causes nothing but sadness, that means it was a useless worry getting the best of you rather than guidance from your intuition.
I hope this helps! Most people have only seen the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the power of intuition. If you would like to learn more about intuition and how to put it to work in your relationships, check out my video on the power of intuition by clicking this link.
James
Met and fell for a guy earlier this year. We were dating for about 7 weeks. I was crazy about him (and still am) but I realised he wasn’t right for me. When I mad the decision not to continue to see him, I felt a sense of relief. As much as I still love him and have felt ripped apart, I never felt it was the wrong decision.
Thanks for your blog and insights. I’d like to get your advice on my situation. My boyfriend and i have been dating for almost a year. We are 38 and 45 yrs old, both divorced. Mine was 6 yrs ago, his 11 yrs. He has three teenage children over the age of 13 and i dont have kids. We have the beat relationship either of us have ever had (so he says) and are wonderfully compatible. We both make each other better ppl, too. We had planned to get married this fall, but just called off the wedding and are on a break. Tge problem is challenging: he has never put boundaries in place with his ex, who us many years remarried, and essentially behaves as a married couple without the intimacy as they coparent their kids. It’s to a very unhealthy level…vacations just with them and the kids, spending all their free time together, etc. His kids are his priority, as they should be, but he also carries guilt for the divorce so he allows her to do anything and act very disrespectfully to me. She cant stand the idea of him being with another woman and sabbotaged his last relationship of almost 10 yrs. Her weapon: she gets her youngest daughters to hate his partner and they fight to keep their dad away from me. He couldnt get the kids on board to accept me, so we had to call off the wedding.
Is this an untenable situation? We are so good together and he wants to be with me, but he doesnt know how to fix it and he never did for his last very long term girlfriend. What would you suggest?
In that situation I would recommend family counseling with him and his daughters seeing a competent psychotherapist who understands family dynamics. The therapist can help the father and children to recognize the sickness they are allowing by catering to the mother’s attempts for excessive and inappropriate control over events that do not concern her.
James
Hi James
I have to say wow! I just read this article and had to have a little laugh. You see I’m going on 28 with 3 beautiful little girls. I started dating a guy around 5 months ago. I thought to myself he was perfect. Now I know one thing I’ve been through abusive relationships in the past and they have made it hard to trust. But in saying that I think not everyone should be thrown into the same basket and a couple of crazy ex partners.
Everything started out really well. Then he pushed to meet my children. I thought why not. I’m the happiest I’ve been in so long. I had taken a long length of time to find me and this seemed to be going well. My kids loved him. Again the wow came. Yes he had his flaws like everyone but he was perfect to me.
Then came the day he disappeared. I tried to call him to see if he was ok. Nothing. His best friend called me to ask if I had heard from him. I began to panic that something terrible must have happened. I left him a message to contact me as I was concerned. No one could reach him. The next day all he done was text me “I love you”.
A few days past and he just shows up out of the blue. I wasn’t comfortable with his actions at all. I asked for him to keep communication more open with me as I felt worried that something horrible had happen. He seemed to feel really bad about it.
Then came 3 entire weeks of him not leaving my side. It went from one extreme to the other. I had no real read on him. It was like he just moved on in and I had no say. The household became really intense.
That’s when I started to question was any of it right? Was it best for my children and myself? Was I going down the path of another abusive relationship?
I thought hard about it. I got to the point where I feared what would happen. I knew it was all wrong. He liked to drink. I had never realised up until this point how much he liked to drink. I had myself standing on the outside of my own relationship, looking in and seeing what was really going on. I had read many of your articles which helped me find myself. I was shocked at what I saw.
Next thing I know he disappears again. Not contact again. Just the typical “I love you” text message. At this point I had draw a line and said no more.
He didn’t like that I didn’t want him near me so of course he showed up. Little to his knowledge this is the same stupid behavior my abusive ex had shown in the past so I knew how to deal with it. I kept it calm and asked for the truth. He didn’t like me asking at all. I gave him the choice. The truth or leave and if he was to leave not to come back. He left. He also left his belongings behind (the possessions staying means he can come back). Well I wasn’t having it. I stood my ground. I called his best friend to collect his belongings.
His best friend did just that and told me I didn’t deserve the treatment I had received. He also prepared me for the worst to come. The threatening to kill himself and the constant pleas for my attention. He even text me to say he was going to get help and expected me to stay faithful to him. All I bothered to write back is that I deserve a lot better and he should be ashamed of himself.
I have had 3 days of peace so far though I am sure it is not over. I think it is his way to see if I will cave and take him back. Not one part of me regrets the decisions I have made. I believe on some level I was asking myself the same sort of questions you have written about. If it wasn’t for that I guess I would be on a downward spiral again.
Thank you very much for your words. They have kept me from repeating history. For now I stay close to my friends. One who has been a very big support in all the right ways. He makes sure I’m ok and spends time with me when I need it. It’s been good to have the weight lifted off my shoulders though. Who knows where the road will lead but I am happier to walk the road with just my family and friends for now 🙂
This really helped. I have recently joined a dating site and have found myself talking, emailing, and meeting with several men, all of whom are really lovely people. There are similar and different things I find attractive in them. I feel a pressure to start dating one of them, but actually reading this post, I realise I simply need to give it more time. On balance I like all of them still enough to go on finding out about each of them.
HI James…This was indeed a useful and streamlined approach to sifting through those challenging internal ….questions. As you said, we all have flaws, and perhaps ways that we do not match SO well, with a particular partner. On the other hand, our deeper knowing, or intuition knows a lot more than we usually are aware of. So, asking how I would truly feel if HE…broke up with me, would I be relieved or sad….that did help me to get that I would be very sad, and that this man adds so much to my life. I do trust my intuition ultimately, and this was a perfect way to suggest having it help me out. Thank-you! Tina
Hi james
this piece touched me and was very helpful..i have asked myself this question and it has become more clear that i am not settling through reading this. i went thru a divorce a few years ago and feel very happy with my boyfriend of almost three yrs..the only thing i question really is if he will ever shift his focus at all from just himself to us and building a life..i pour myself into his dreams and activities and am i mother of 2 from my ex but it seems he isnt interested in the things i feel important most of the time…….he lost his mother at 18 and is now 25 and has trouble talking and being affectionate..tho i do see glimpses..i have trouble dealing with it cause i crave the affection and dont know how to get the affection to feel loved..sometimes i get bursts of anger because i dont know how to pull him out of it and get him to feel comfortable with showing affection
not sure if u have any insight but would appreciate any help
Hi. That’s a good question. You probably already know this, but let me make sure I’m not skipping over something important. Men in general are going to be less expressive when it comes to showing feelings. As with all stereotypes, that is not 100% true in all cases, but it is something to take into consideration. A lack of outward demonstration of affection is not necessarily an indication of the internal feeling about you in the relationship. Just remembering that can decrease the pressure you may feel to change him on this issue.
That said, there are many common issues that can cause any person to be hesitant about taking the initiative to demonstrate affection. For some people it is simply a matter of a mismatched love language. He may be trying to show affection to you in ways you tend to discount.
If you want to make a direct attempt to increase his display of affection, consider praising his small efforts. Catch him doing something right. Any time he makes any small gesture that moves in the right direction, tell him how happy it makes you feel. That direct feedback could cause a small but positive change in the right direction over time.
I love this article! I finally met a great guy, but occasionally find him boring. He definitely enhances my life, and adds value to it. I was just thinking yesterday that the dysfunctional part of me (issues from my past/childhood) are what makes me secretly long for a more complicated relationship. The last boyfriend I had, had “baby mama drama”, issues with his mother, and drank alcohol too often! Of course, when he was fully present, the sex and love (intimacy) was uh-mazing, but those moments were further and further apart…. I had this desire to see his life improve and to help bring it to pass. Yes, I guess I thought I was going to be his savior… Alas, he chose the bottle and to keep all his other issues… What is it that would drive me (albeit secretly) to desire to help this miserable man rather than be in love with a mutually respectful, fully engaged and loving person???
Hmmm…maybe you feel most comfortable in a caring roll. You have good insight. One way to get more clarity is to compare and contrast. Envision a man who needs you to “rescue” him and a guy who is the opposite. Imagine how you would feel in both scenarios. This may reveal additional insights.
James
Hello,
I guess I got my answer, no I am not happy I am miserable, I cry every night and miss him all the time. He is busy and did not tell me for months anything nice about me or that he loves me. He says that I do not understand his job or his obligations. I do understand them I just do not understand that I have to wait for months for his to come in the same country to see him and then when he is there I do not see him, he doesn’t write. When I asked him does he loves me, or want me anymore he just says we talked about it ( yeah long time ago). What I am supposed to I just cannot leave, and he says if I want to walk away to walk away, there is no planning for future because he does not do it. He says I hurt him by not being so in love with him at the beginning that he does not want to put himself out here again, that he is not hurting me that he just pulled away. And no matter what I do or say will not change the things until he is ready to put himselfout there again, that how has been for the last 10 months.Help I really love him
Hi Arni. If he is actually interested in a relationship he will be somewhere along a continuum from pre-contemplative (not sure but willing to experiment) to marriage-minded (seeking someone to invest in for life). It seems this guy may be in a mission-focused state, but his mission is not a great relationship…it’s work. If you choose to wait on this person, it will be on his terms. I don’t recommend it.
Thank you James for your wonderful advice. It helps me every time I read them in my new relationship.
Sorry, I disagree. “Are you happier with this man in your life right now” as compared to what? Compared to sitting at home alone on Saturday night? To going out with the girls. To …………? If, I’d rather be alone than with the guy I’m with, then, yes, time to move on. But too many women and men stay in dysfunctional relationships because they can’t handle the anxiety separation. Someone can add joy and happiness on one hand but have certain traits that pull you down leaving you wondering if you could live with those traits “forever” on the other hand. Don’t sugar coat the flaws or incompatibilities. Don’t go blind. A better question might be, Can you live with the whole package? Are those character defects or incompatibilities ones that are minor and which you could live with for the rest of your life? How much of who you are is enhanced by this man and how much of you is torn down? James, I think your “happier” question may be a little too shallow and simplistic.
I see what you mean, Margaret. Getting more specific would make it a better question for internal reflection.
Dear James,
thanks also from me; very helpful! I am in a deeply happy R and I know that I am not settling. Just got another approval. However now it is really clear to me what I felt with some other men I met or dated and at that time this method would be very beneficial and time&effort saving.
Love your work! Thank you so much!
K.
Ps: No matter how happy I am I don’t plan to stop learning about Rs and reading your emails!
First, are you happier because this man is in your life right now? If so, I would venture to bet you are not settling. I don’t really get this piece.can u please explain.thanks
Hey, Lily. It’s a way of simplifying one part of the decision making process. If you find a person enriches your life, it decreases the chances that you are just going along with the relationship for the sake of convenience.
Hi James,
You wrote, ” First, are you happier because this man is in your life right now? If so, I would venture to bet you are not settling. If his presence in your life adds meaning and joy, you should embrace him whole-heartedly….” This is soooo true!!!!
Hi james.I want u to advice me,there is this guy I met he was always staring at me like he is lost and so interested in me.when I noticed it I just started to smile and say hi to him but when he noticed I was not attractive as before .he appeared disinterested in me.help
Hello, Joy. The wording of your question presents two possible meanings, and I’m not sure which one you intended. Do you mean he no longer found you attractive once he noticed you were paying attention to him, or do you mean something happened to you that you feel has caused you to appear less attractive?
Something happened to me dat made me less attractive
In that case, Joy, I suggest you more fully embrace what is still very attractive about you. There are probably more attractive things about your personality, appearance, and unique presence than you could count. Don’t make the mistake of focusing on a flaw and defining yourself by it. The more you “own” the body you are in, the easier it is to accept life as you find it and make the choice to embrace life and other people with joy and a playful spirit. Joy and a playful spirit are your allies in drawing the interest of this guy, and the many others you have yet to meet. Focus on being the best you and let the cards fall as they may with this particular guy. If he is right for you, he will still find interest in you in time.
James, I’m Debbie and I read faithfully everything you post. I have known a guy for almost 6 months now, and I’m so intrigued with him. He keeps trying to keep distance between us but it inevitably happens. He wins when it comes to being the strong one and “holding back” that is, he won’t text me for a week or two after making love to me and sleeping with me and holding me (finally after 14 months!!). So I try to wait and wait and wait. But I am so impatient, cause I really care for this guy and miss him the moment he walks out my door. How can I be more “distant?”
James, it’s Debbie and I meant “16” months…
Hi Debbie. It sounds like you are thinking distancing types of actions (or inactions) will bring more of him into your life. It is possible that you would seem more intriguing and loveable under those circumstances, but I doubt it. The key is not to distance yourself, but rather to balance pursuit. I think maybe that is what you meant, but I just wanted to clarify for other readers. Balanced pursuit allows the romantic tension to thrive in your relationship. You can increase romantic tension by demonstrating interest and then giving enough time and space for him to reciprocate before you pursue further. It’s not a hard and fast rule, but more of a guideline to help you keep the mutual pursuit going. I know it takes self-discipline, but it’s worth it!
Here’s my situation. I’ve been with my partner for 7 years, we have two kids together and recently after a lot of ups and downs, we’ve decided to take a break. I’ve started dating which is nice as I haven’t really been single since my teens. He said that he doesn’t need to as he knows it would upset me and also that he’s been around (there is a 13 year age difference) so knows what’s out there and he doubts if he’ll find someone like me again.
I’ve met a few nice guys but no one that I can see a future with. The respect factor is huge for me and while these guys are fine, none of them inspire the level of respect in me that I still have for my partner.
The problem is this: since we are no longer living together, my life with my kids (they live with me) is much simpler and dare I say it, happier. No more drama, arguments, me essentially making compromises to work around him and his habits. Of course, the kids are overjoyed to see him when he visits weekly and we are still good friends. I still look on it as a break and hope we can get back together after taking a breather and he said the same. But I’m worried that if we do get back together, I will again go back to working around him.
I’ve tried communicating this to him and said we both needed to make changes if we were to have a future. I think because of the age difference and me naturally being more adaptable, he’s already set in his ways and basically it’s a take it or leave it situation with him. I would be devastated if it were to be the end with us though. So while he does make my life better for being in it, things are also easier when he’s not around, if that makes sense.
I think I understand, Vicky. You love him, but the relationship really only works because you adapt to his quirks and stubborn habits. You have clearly already won his heart, and you have deep respect for him (which I’m sure is a part of why he loves you), but he is not good at change. I wonder if you might have the best odds for success with this type of man if you were to invite him to set extremely small goals for positive change. Sometimes, putting him in charge of choosing a small goal results in a change that does not seem that significant (to you) but it can break the barrier of his resistance to seeing himself as someone who can adapt. Also, be sure to draw out the hero in him by showing him how he could enrich your life with a few small changes (instead of framing the changes as remedial actions to fix a broken man). Good luck!
Hi James, This ties into the “ask yourself three questions before getting involved with a man” post you wrote. It seems like a “no brainer” idea, however, it is a more thought provoking task when actually sitting down to do it! (It is good to dust off the cob webs and vacuum up the old debris, as we are all a work in process and progression)….and it is a great mental exercise as much as physical exercise is to bring clarity to the mind, body and soul. These exercises, done on a regular basis, activates us to value our wants and desires first before we can be of a romantic value to someone else. It presents our whole, authentic selves into a situation that if compatible, brings happiness and joy to both people involved. It can also demystify ourselves for ourselves and for what we want in love interests while driving down that road, Embracing the best for others (and for ourselves), and not settling, is the most healthy way to live. Fine tuning ourselves in the present NOW expands our intuition and understanding to create the best for the future NOWS! Thanks again, Mr. Bauer, for more thought provoking ideas! Hmmmmmm………..where did I leave my journal? lol Joan
Interesting thoughts, Joan. I like the way you think.
You are always fun to read and right on the money for current relationships all women have and aren’t aware of the reality of the situation. Sometimes it is just better to ignore your inner voice and stick with it and then you can read your post and reality sets in. Thanks for the insight!
Thank you for that education! Very helpful. Had never really looked at it that way…. The 2 question method!
I realized I am not settling.
I do have questions about how to deal with a couple of issues that bother me. Addressing my BFs fast unsafe road rage type driving while I am in the car and his prejudice comments about others when with me. I feel both are disrespectful. He knows I don’t like either because I have said something in the past. Also I know driving issue is a risk for my safety. Pls advise how to address without acting like his Mom!
Thanks, A.
Great question, Annette. I’ll refer you to another article I wrote on that topic. Click here to see it.
Your posts add to my life in such meaningful ways. Keep it up! 🙂