I’m going to tell you that method and show you how to use it. But let’s first consider the point of conversation.
A man spots you in a corridor and walks up to you, clearly intending to engage you in conversation. What are his possible motives?
Some people make the mistake of classifying the purpose of all communication into just two categories:
- To gather information.
- To convey information.
But as a sophisticated student of relationships, you already know this list is incomplete. Because it’s missing all those unspoken motivations people bring to conversations.
I’m talking about meta-goals.
His unspoken meta-goal during conversation with you could be
- to impress you,
- entertain you,
- seduce you,
- network with you,
- or even to make his girlfriend jealous across the room.
These are goals that may not have much to do with the actual words spoken during a conversation.
But let’s not stop here, because there’s one more reason people seek conversation, and it’s the most important one of all. Especially if you want to win his heart, mind, and devotion for life.
People crave conversation with those who are most capable of seeing the world as they do.
Our deepest longing is to connect with another person so we feel less alone. So we can share this experience of life with them and enjoy the oneness of companionship that gives significance to our short lives.
That’s why the best conversations cannot be defined by the content of the conversation itself. Rather, what matters is a moment in time when two people look out at the world almost as one, sharing an unfolding story. Experiencing a moment together, while being a witness to the other person’s life.
Here is the meta-message we crave to hear from another person…
I see you. I bear witness to the fact that you exist. I am here with you. We are together. You are not alone. You matter. Because you matter to me.
These are not spoken words, but something more. Something that shows up in the space between your words.
In this, we find a deep need met through romance. We seek a partner who can give us that kind of experience. That kind of life. One that has been witnessed by another. A story built together over many years.
Many seek a partner who can provide this kind of magic. Few find it. Because too many of us are self-absorbed, fearful, angry, driven to achieve, or whatever else. We become easily distracted, but the need for this deepest form of conversation never goes away.
Seek it with your partner. Seek it from the moment you meet. Build it into the fabric of your bond as the years unfold.
Always on your side,
P.S. I’ll be sharing more about this important topic later today. Stay tuned.