Some people have all the luck. And they’re the ones who never depend on it. ~ Bob Ingham
There are several radical ideas that changed my life instantly when I discovered them. One of them was the concept that “thoughts are things.”
Some days are full of anxious emotions like worry and fear, while other days are full of emotions of joy, hope, and satisfaction. It took me a long time to realize how much influence my own thoughts have on those emotions.
It’s only natural to assume our circumstances generate our emotions. It feels as if the things happening to us create good or bad feelings.
And to a large extent, life events do affect our emotions. But the way they influence our emotions is through the beliefs and perspectives we hold.
The cliché phrase, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” changed my life, but not until I realized that thoughts are things. When I made that cliché phrase my own, and began using it to transform my experience of difficult situations, it caused me to become a more powerful person.
I mean that in the literal sense.
I don’t mean it in some kind of metaphorical or poetic way. I literally became more powerful as a human being when I adopted that transformative concept and decided to use it whenever life seemed to be trying to kick my teeth out.
That particular mental reframe helped me because I have a particular vulnerability to worry. Worry is my arch enemy. It tries to stop me from living fully and freely. It tries to stop me from pursuing my dreams. And worst of all, it tries to stop me from enjoying the fruits of my labor anytime I actually do succeed.
I can hear the worry in the background, chanting things like, “Hold on to what you have. Don’t take any risks. You don’t know what it is yet, but something really bad is about to happen so you better not get too comfortable.”
Those thoughts dominated too much of my life.
I’m living under a new paradigm now. The new paradigm says…
“I cannot control life, but I can control who I become. I choose to become a person who tries really hard. I choose to be a person who celebrates trying hard… trying hard to do what is right and to pursue the things I love in this life.
If I fail, I will fail magnificently while triumphantly looking fear in the eyes and saying, ‘You have only made me stronger.’”
You see, the most powerful single thought that ever changed my life was this: “I am a creator.” I may be a weak creator, with limited power, but I am a creator nonetheless.
With each thought I purposefully direct in my mind, I create a significant part of the reality of what it means to be me, what it’s like to live my life.
And so, I create. I create as much hope, belief, and motivation as I can with each thought I managed to take captive and bend to my will as a creator.
From that foundation of thought I strive to participate in “the real world” as a man who is willing to face hardship in pursuit of the things and people I love.
Do you see how this leaves luck out of it? By embracing my role as a creator, I stop waiting around. I stop hoping and start doing.
This is a message I have shared with many of my clients who consult me for advice about dating and relationships. Why? Because many of them fear change.
Even if you want something very badly, the fear of change can hold you back.
Being a creator is better than being lucky. Because creators don’t need to wait around, hoping luck will knock on their door.
As the saying goes, “Luck is a matter of preparation meeting opportunity.” Well, I have some preparation to suggest for you today.
Prepare for romantic success by choosing to become a master of your own mind. Think of your mind as your garden, which you will prune and cultivate into a creation of health and beauty.
Then, when Mr. Right stumbles into your garden, you will be ready for the opportunity. It won’t be an opportunity to impress him. Rather, it will be an opportunity to practice the art of striving for something beautiful. Without worry or fear holding you back.
That is a life worth living, no matter what happens next.
Always on your side,
P.S. To take your preparation to the next level, consider investing in your knowledge of the strategies that others have found useful in dating and relationships with men. See my catalog of training materials here. Fast forward your success. Build the skills to be irresistible.
How do you harness the positivity when your own mind works against you. I tend to think worse case scenario and I rationalize it’s so I won’t be blind sided. When I take the steps to self love and actualize my happiness to grow in my relationship my experience is things backfire. I was raised to be kind and loving, patient, giving expecting nothing in return. It’s probably why I eventually became an emergency nurse. My question is how do you end that cycle of enslavement to emotions particularly those that hurt you. My deepest desire is to be seen by the person I love and should that fail my emotions of loneliness and sadness remain as I am wired to problem solve and wonder why. I’ve always thought when I love, I love too deeply.
I found myself reading and re-reading your message. There’s something beautiful and good in you, and it comes across in this message. Yet I couldn’t seem to pin down the central question you are asking here. Maybe if we had a bit more context it would be easier to understand your question.
There are certainly people who are true romantics. And it’s hard to have that deep capacity for love when the odds are against you for finding a person with the same level of instinct to deeply love another being. It’s not impossible, but harder to find.
But don’t let that stop you from appreciating your own nature as something wonderous and good. It’s good because it’s good. It doesn’t become good only once someone else reciprocates. You are beautiful, whole, and good as you are.
If you haven’t reached out to our coaches in the private forum, I recommend that you take that step. They can learn the context and go deeper into the question with you over time with back-and-forth conversation. Find that relationship coaching here.
Thank you for replying and for the kind words as I found them comforting and inspirational. As for context, I hope this helps. You had discussed how thoughts are things that influence emotions along with life events. I asked about how you found the ability to harness positivity if your very thoughts make you captive to your emotions. Worry has a way of doing that especially if your relationship has felt distant. My relationship has been long term with instances where we had to be apart for work and unfortunately it will happen again as I am working on my Masters degree and I will have to return to my home state. My worries stem from the core desire to love deeply and be loved in return the same way. With an open heart I approach love, expressing it with kind acts, words, or a simple look that screams I will love you forever, but I fell for a man who doesn’t do well with feelings. I understand and respect that we are different and that opposites do often attract. His inability to express feeling doesn’t make him undeserving of my love. Being different does hinder our ability to communicate. I see the need to express that love more often valuing the time we have together understanding the loneliness I felt being away from him. I desire to be held, enjoying our time doing something together rather than simply being in the same space. I find myself with a sense of urgency to reconnect. I have this worry and need to problem solve knowing time is not on my side but that makes me a prisoner to painful emotions that when I express often does not understand. I do not want to hurt him making my approach difficult, with a lingering desire to be seen.
Wow from today I will be able to worry less and be a creator.
I really enjoyed reading this article as it shows true self empowerment and at the same time enough humility to understand that we are all constantly learning.
I liked the comparison of thoughts with things in order to tangibilize how positive or harmful we can be with ourselves. How we can better treat and give love to ourselves.
I agree, treat your mind as a garden, because we will seed our powerful subconscious and the positive or negative ideas will stick there and will flourish as part of ourselves and the way we look into life.
Wow! Another inspiring article. I have to say, I open up your emails hoping to find that it is filled with an inspirational message….I save them and look back on them often. While trying to understand men and what makes a great relationship, you have to start with a healthy state of mind.
These types of articles are so inspirational and positively uplifting. Keep them coming. I think the key to a happy life starts with being happy with yourself. ” What doesn’t kill me, will make me stronger”, is a pretty powerful mantra to chant when all that worry, self doubt comes creeping in. It now sits on my refrigerator.:-)
Look forward to your next article..
Indeed, The Truth/truth IS really INSIDE of us.
(via Acts 2:38/John 8:31-32)
All in all, God IS Love.
[BIG “G”, rather than ‘lil “g”].
Thanks for such a profound msg of advice, it really touched my life in an amazing way. It has changed my attitude towards life in general.
keep up good work!!!
Awesome! I’m so glad to learn that this has had a positive impact on your life. You just made my day!
I am, and have been, stuck at a crossroads in my life for six years since the death of my mother. Four years prior to losing her, my boyfriend died at 55 from kidney cancer. Less than two years later I survived breast cancer. It seems as though one loss and major life change has piled in another in the past six years to the point that my normally creative, problem-solving, and life-loving self was buried in the rubble. Two years ago I made the decision to try dating again and met a wonderful man online. Unfortunately, that relationship ended a few months ago, and plunged me back into the abyss of depression, anxiety, and self-doubt. As an older, overweight female, I tend to focus on my limitations while I try to convince people of my positive attributes (which I acknowledge I have, but don’t celebrate.) And to add to the mix, I am a mental health professional and have helped others find their own ways to better lives for almost 30 years, yet I can’t do the same for myself. Major imposter syndrome. This article spoke volumes to me. I’ve felt a dark cloud over my head for so many years, and felt helpless to change my ‘luck.’ Friends often comment, “You’ve had SO much happen over the years, but you keep going!” Most don’t see my days and nights alone, closing myself off from the world, and falling deeper into despair because it’s so hard to find hope, despite my faith. I’ve been resigned that my life will continue this way, I will go through the motions, and never really find love or happiness again. I have trouble taking even the smallest of steps to propel myself forward. And situational circumstances like COVID and social unrest have only added to my anxiety and depression. While in medical leave, I’ve accomplished nothing despite ordering books and courses and telling myself, “Just do one thing each day, one little thing.” I changed a light bulb in my hallway yesterday and it felt like a major accomplishment. Everything you wrote in this article got my attention. I also realized that I have relinquished my power and control for far too long, as it’s easier to blame circumstances, others, bad luck, whatever for the misfortunes of my life. Not that I don’t take responsibility for my life, but that I have felt so much has been beyond my control for so long. I am keeping this article front and center, rereading it and digesting each piece. It simply was worded in such a way that it’s impact was dramatic. I can’t sleep tonight because I feel a renewed sense of possibility and that there is still hope, there is always hope. Thank you for this article and for sharing your experience in such a meaningful way.
I could not have read this at a better time. My husband died suddenly at home on november 4th at 47 years old. He was my very best friend and we had the kind of relationship that truly comes from fairy tales. Now, the bills are piling up, lm out of work because apparently being an exec can cause carpal and cubical tunnel, we have 5 children, 3 at home. We are going to lose our home, our life as we once knew it is over and there are many days (like yesterday for example) that I feel like just throwing in the towel and saying…okay universe…you win. So with an amazing marriage, why then would I be on a relationship site? Well…i dont imagine I will ever find a love like mine again…but being in a very vulnerable state, I thought it prudent to understand the male mind if and when I end up meeting someone again. However, your words are inspirational beyond just relationships but translate into so many other facets of life. Thank you for making the words that use powerful and meaningful because you inspire so many people with them. Oh…and btw…my maiden name is the same as your last name so I laugh when and if anyone sees emails from you…because they just think youre some relative that is writing to me. Perfect disguise.
Thanks again James. Your work is important.
That’s why I’ve always said there’s really no such thing as “luck”… ONLY BLESSINGS!
… bcuz the sunshine &! the rain falls on ALL OF US…
Note this quote:
I have FRAMED in my house????✨
“…Life IS 10% what happens to you, & 90% WHAT YOU DO with what happens to you”
Live THAT WAY!,
For the “nice!” affirmation.????
I’m especially honored!…Note these are two of my Ultimate Self theme songs: “Unusual”by Fran B & “Symphonies” by Natalie Grant????✨
This is amazing and truly did come to me at the right time. Thank you
This very msg you just GIFTED to all who read this, I also live by(it has to be a way of CHOSEN INTENTIONAL living/lifestyle!)… & bcuz of that realization, I also do what I can, as are you, to gift it to as many others as ARE WILLING to absorb & receive such true,yet, humble, transforming wisdom!! I do so by kindly relaying it to them bcuz IT TRULY HAS & DOES MAKE a paramount difference in this life
-whilst we’re in what I always call
“our earth suit experiences”-bcuz I realize to BE/live alive & lively as
“a soul with a body” rather than
” a body with a soul” = we’re made in God’s image, therefore we should/could live from the soul, the eternal portion of our being, which is living from the inside out, bcuz that’s where everything begins anyway; in our intangible muscles, & the mind(=”we are what we THINK/what our THOUGHTS are”…Phil. 4:8)that which leads to THE GREATEST SUCCESS/ “The most excellent way…”[=1 Cor. 13]
…unfortunately, recently when I did gift this to a man I recognized could rather benefit tremendously by knowing of it, he CHOSE NOT TO receive it(& I said it as plainly/ kindly as YOU just did)… on top of that, he was actually angry that I did & ATTEMPTED to humiliate/intimidate me about it,but it didn’t work ,of course; which IS WHY I say “attempted”, bcuz I did use what it was I was gifting him with within myself IN THAT VERY MOMENT! lol!!…I pray he “gets it”/understands it one of these days, nevertheless.
Anyway, I recognize it’s a real blessing/ Godwink(as Squire Rushnell says) that you sent this particular email out today at just the right blessed time,=synchronicity, that you did = as I really got it just when I needed such REINFORCEMENTS!!= NOT a coincidence, FOR SURE!!
Appreciate your expertise!
Keep up YOUR splendiforous work!!
Yes, our minds are so powerful but our society just jokes about it. All that positive thinking…
Well, Life is an inside job and love is everything! The truth is really inside of us but we keep looking outside for it.
The story of the Greek gods. One day the gods were talking and trying to figure out how they could hide the truth from humans. The first god said, We could hide it on the highest mountain? The rest said, but they will get up there one day. The second god said, we could hide it on the bottom of the sea? But once again they felt that man would find it. They finally decided to hide it inside of us because they knew that we would never look there.
All the best! Katie Star
This is beautifully written and so inspirational.
I’m a worrier too.
I wanted to mention I think your information is really more encompassing than just
about romantic relationships. You have such really good advice about life in general.
This article, by far, is my favorite. The ressonate feeling I recieved reading it, will forever stay with me. Very nice and thank you for the great tips and passages to live by.
Trish, thanks for taking a moment to encourage me with your kindness.
I love your posts so inspirational and so helpful! I had been in an abusive relationship and I
find your relationship tips and information so helpful thank you