He’s pulling away.
You can feel it.
It’s not just that he’s not contacting you as often. It’s the way he communicates. Almost as if he’s irritated by you. As if it’s a big effort to pick up his phone and text you back.
It hurts.
It hurts because you thought you had something special. You thought he felt it, too. He couldn’t wait to spend time with you. His texts made you smile. You know he was happy with you.
So what changed?
Don’t Push Him Away Even Further
When someone you care about pulls away, all sorts of thoughts go through your mind.
You think it’s something you did. It feels like he’s punishing you. You’re terrified he doesn’t love you anymore. Why do all men end up leaving you? Are you too broken to love?
You can feel the panic building. You’ve got to do something to save your relationship. How can you bring him back? How can you make him act like he used to?
It’s one of the most common dating dynamics:
He pulls away, and you try to pull him back.
But trying to pull him back is risky.
A man may respond to your efforts by pulling away even harder … or breaking free altogether.
Don’t get into a tug of war, where you’re trying to pull him closer and he’s pulling back. Try one of these strategies instead.
If You’re Dating, Let Him Set the Pace
Dating is a weird time in a relationship.
You feel as if you’re getting super-close. The chemistry is mind-blowing. But no one has said anything about staying together forever. You don’t have any hold on him. He could stop calling tomorrow.
For a lot of men, dating serves a purpose. It enables them to enjoy a woman’s company without letting her fully into their lives.
Men are good at compartmentalizing their love lives. Yes, he’s seeing you, but he’s not necessarily thinking about you when he’s with his friends or at work. He can block out parts of his life that aren’t relevant to the task at hand.
So when he stops messaging you as frequently, you feel as if he’s forgotten about you. You feel he should be thinking about you all the time—probably because you’re thinking about him!
But that’s an expectation he may not be able to meet. He’s still got a life apart from you. Your two worlds haven’t merged yet.
In the dating stage, you can avoid pushing him faster than he’s ready to go by matching your communication frequency to his.
If he texts you three times a day, then text him three times a day.
If he wants to see you every other week, then make time for him every other week.
Let him set the pace…
And don’t take it personally.
As long as you’re “just” dating, I encourage you to keep your online dating profile active. Keep meeting other guys, even if you’re not really into it.
It gives you a different energy when he’s not the only man on your dance card. He can tell you’re not depending on him to occupy your weekends.
If You’re in a Relationship, Talk about It
But maybe you’re not dating.
Maybe you’re in a committed relationship.
And he’s freezing you out. He’s going cold.
So you look for anything you could do to warm him up again. You send him certain text messages. You dress up in a sexy way. You act understanding.
And he still doesn’t respond.
So you take a risk. You send him a text. “Is something wrong? It feels like we’re growing apart, and I miss you. I want us to be closer.”
And you get a noncommittal reply.
What’s happening??
There’s a natural ebb and flow of closeness and separation in even the best relationships. Couples balance time together with time apart, “we time” with “me time.”
But sometimes that balance shifts, leaving one partner out in the cold.
In healthy relationships, you’re able to talk about your feelings with each other. You can say, “Hey, I feel like we’re not hanging out as often! Let’s make more time for each other.”
In fragile relationships, you feel like saying anything will make your relationship implode.
But saying nothing gets you nowhere. And sending him a text is not the same thing as starting a conversation.
So if your guy is pulling back, talk to him in person, face-to-face.
Tell him that you want to talk about how you balance “we time” with “me time.” It feels like you’re spending more time together than apart. What does a good balance feel like to him? How many texts a day feel right?
When you approach him with the goal of getting his input into finding the perfect balance in your relationship, he’s more willing to problem-solve. He can see your point of view.
Just remember this:
When a man pulls away, it doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong.
It may not even mean your relationship is in trouble.
But if you react with fear, you might push him away further.
So try to see the shifting tides of separation and closeness as a natural thing. Your goal is to find the right balance.
I’ve been seeing this guy for 3 years now, with the last 2 being solely committed to each other. Last year without even talking about it he moved into my apartment. It was just a natural flow. When my lease was up we were trying to decide what to do as in where to live so he suggested that we move back into his old place with his roommate so we could save money to buy our own place. I agreed but told him I did have some reservations but understood why we were doing it, that was back in May. Now since June it seems as if we fight or argue a lot and I will admit, when we get into those heated ones I tend to throw a tantrum because I’m tired of not being listened to and I know that lashing out like that is not the correct way to go about things. But the thing is as we just had a fight a couple weeks ago because we found out that the roommate is selling the house NOW, not in the spring like we were told when we moved in. Anyway we both have been on edge and he told me he just wasn’t happy anymore and we needed to be done. A day or so later he spoke to his dad and told him about everything going on from selling the house, to issues with the roommate and him and I having issues. His dad told him that we needed to leave ASAP to save his friendship and so we could work on us, so he came to me said he loved me and needed me and we were back to things being okay I thought. Then today we had another fight and he said this time we are done and that I need to withdraw my requests to look at houses for us. That he is done, that he can’t take the fighting anymore. It seems as if everything I say or do he takes the wrong way like I’m trying to point out that he was wrong and I’m right. I can see how that seems some times but not the majority of the miscommunications. Like today when I got home he said that he would take care of getting our part of the house ready for the realtor to take pics and I need to focus hard on finding us a house. I responded with that is what I was asking the other day when I said what are we going to do if this sells before we find something he took that as me rubbing it in his face and all I was trying to do was let him know I was on the same page that’s why I mentioned it to him a few days ago because I was concerned but things just blew up from there. He tells me when we have a big fight that he never wanted a relationship but he is the one who moved in with me and asked me to move with him and for me to get a house with him. He is afraid of relationships they never last long because he runs when it gets bad. He had stayed till now but I think his escape alarm is going off. I told him I can’t try to fix what makes him unhappy with us if he doesn’t tell me. I also told him it’s very confusing when one day I’m his everything and the next I’m not. I told him I agreed with his dad we need to get out of here and in our own place so things aren’t so crazy and tense and then see but he said he has given us a chance and I just don’t see how really when he is always stressed or upset about his roommate and everything going on do that just intensifies our issues. I don’t want to lose him I truly believe we can be happy again but is it to late???
Hi Kristy,
Thanks so much for your comment! Your situation sounds complicated and I feel like you’d greatly benefit from being a part of our community and some back and forth consultation. I recommend that you bring it up in our private forum where we have actual relationship coaches on staff to answer questions and give advice. To access this forum, you would need to sign up for the Irresistible Insiders Club.
Within this private community, you can also ask questions and share experiences with like-minded women and our most advanced members. This way you can get extra real-time feedback and support for your unique situation.
Warm wishes,
Tracey T.
We live together, nothing is ever talked about and fixed. It’s as if nothing happened and we are fine. I have heard him on the phone with another female but when I asked about it he says I’m tripping, not this crazy shit again, this stupid shit, this is bullshit, or he doesn’t have time for this shit. I am told every day he never has time for anything to do with me and when I ask a question he doesn’t answer them.
I’m currently in a long distance “thing” with a guy I reconnected with in March after 15 years. I sent him a random Facebook message about one of his posts, and from that point we talked everyday, whether through text or on the phone, sometimes both. Long story short, he was laid off, which was the push he needed to leave Where he was. He did with the intention of moving back home (where I am and he’s from), with a quick stop in a different state to visit his brother. When he Started staying with his brother things were different; he told me he was stressed with everything going on (selling his house, moving, trying to find a job) and that living with his brother wasn’t all that good since he’s married with a kid. He hated not having privacy and it definitely cut into our talking time. Even our text conversations got shorter. He ended up finding a job there since the pandemic is harder on the economy here and there’s not many companies hiring. I saw him once and it was a great visit, although after a couple of bottles of wine I spilled my guts on how I was feeling, and that I hadn’t said anything up to this point because I was being sensitive to his situation. While he didn’t run away, and said he was interested in something serious and not interested in seeing anyone else, he’s now back in staying with his brother and it’s like he’s pulled away. I’ve read His Secret Obsession and while some of the tips I can use, most aren’t helpful to me since he’s far away (I can’t show him I appreciate him, and how many ways can I really find to talk about it?) I found the Rewriting the Relationship course more beneficial, but I still run into the same thing with him in another state
So I started seeing this guy at first he seemed really interested but then he pulled away it went from wanting to see me all time to like once a week if that!! Idk what to do if I go a couple days without talking to him he will eventually say something but I want it serious not just when he feels like it help me
Hi Alexis,
That must be so frustrating to not know where you stand with a guy. I found two mini-courses by James Bauer & Amy Waterman that I think could help you in this situation. The first one is called When He Withdraws and the second one is Backup Girl.
Remember that you deserve to be loved and treated well.
Best,
Tracey