Think back to 10 years ago.
What were you doing? Was there a man in your life around that time?
How much can you remember about him?
What feelings come up when you think about him?
Do you miss him?
It’s amazing how sparks fade over time.
No matter how you felt about him then, there’s probably not much feeling left now.
Regardless of whether you hated him passionately or loved him passionately, he’s not relevant to your life today. You’ve moved on. You’re a different person. He’s probably a different person, too.
Now imagine that you were still together, 10 years later. How do you think you’d feel about him now?
Do you think you’d feel the same as you remember feeling all those years ago?
Feelings change. People change. Situations change.
It’s quite remarkable to find a couple that feels EXACTLY the same about each other now as they did 10 years previously.
That’s why one of the least steady foundations for a life together…
Are your feelings about one another.
When I tell couples this, they’re shocked.
After all, the whole reason they got together was their feelings about each other.
They felt something special. Something they’d never felt before with anyone else.
Something so compelling they knew they had to be together for life.
So they got married. Or made a commitment.
They took those special feelings as a thumbs-up from the universe, approving their choice of each other as a life partner.
Fast forward ten years. Or even just a few years.
He asks her to sit down. He says, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore. I think we’re better off as friends.”
That special feeling is gone. It’s been gone for a while. It feels like it’s never coming back.
That scenario is incredibly common. It happens to a LOT of couples.
So what should you do when the spark fades?
Is it proof you’re not meant to be together after all?
One of the great leaps in relationship maturity happens when you realize that it’s not about how you FEEL towards each other. For long-term relationships it’s about how you ACT towards each other.
Feelings come and go. You don’t have much control over them.
But you always get to choose how you act.
Couples in happy, lasting relationships know better than to let their passing feelings dictate how they treat each other.
Rather than relying on feelings, they rely on a code of conduct. A set of principles that governs how they communicate and interact.
It’s as if they make a vow:
“This is how I will always behave towards my partner, no matter how I feel.”
Don’t feel loving? Doesn’t matter. Act lovingly.
Don’t feel respectful? Doesn’t matter. Act respectfully.
Don’t feel appreciative? Doesn’t matter. Show appreciation.
They don’t leave their behavior to chance. They don’t give themselves permission to react impulsively. They’re conscious and careful with one another, recognizing how delicate and precious a long-term relationship can be.
It’s incredible how fast a relationship can go downhill once one partner decides it’s okay to yell or hurl insults or scoff or mock.
Bad behavior is contagious. Even the nicest, gentlest person can find herself saying or doing nasty things in self-defense.
Strong couples recognize this. So they set some ground rules.
Even if they’re super-mad, they won’t rage at each other. They’ll find a way to communicate respectfully, even if it means taking a break first.
Strong couples also recognize that the spark is going to fade.
If they wait until they FEEL loving to ACT lovingly, they’ll be waiting forever.
So they make a habit of acting lovingly.
Of doing the nice things that make a relationship pleasurable.
Rubbing each other’s shoulders. Making each other a cup of coffee. Taking each other out for a special evening.
Less experienced couples who see other couples behaving this way might think they’re doing all those nice things for each other because they’re in love.
They don’t realize that mature couples do those things because love dies without loving actions.
If you talk to a couple that’s struggling, a couple that’s lost that loving feeling, it’s my bet you’ll see a couple that stopped taking loving actions towards each other.
They don’t act lovingly; therefore, they don’t feel loving.
Feelings follow actions.
So don’t worry about the spark fading. It happens.
But it will always come back if you put in the work.
The work of loving each other as a way of creating your destiny together.
What if the spark was just never there, but there is a sense of shared values , children and respect. After a lot of inner work and healing, I was avoidant and he anxious attachment style. Do we maintain separated and good friends, or come back together for the family United. I can’t help but feel like I am following my intuition for the first time in our relationship, and that we are not meant to be as a romantic couple. The chase and run dynamic stifled all attraction fro the courtship i til now. He is a saint. Of a father and husband, but I can’t retrieve a chemistry, because it was never there.
Hi,
Can the spark come back after cheating? I’ve been choosing to act “Loving” for almost 3 years now after the discovery of him hiring prostitutes for almost 10 years of our 15 years together. This discovery was 3 years ago and ever since he has been very remorseful and completely devoted, but the break happened. For the first 12 years I thought I was the queen of his heart and the spark was there (even when we fought I used to want to mend so I can be close to him) now that spark is gone. I feel I’ve stepped down from that place that I thought I held in his heart cuz it was an illusion. For the past 3 years after the discovery I have chosen to forgive and act loving but I feel empty and dead inside. He, on the contrary, is trying to be warm, loving and caring but I’m broken, I’m not receiving or I think to myself he did this with plenty others so it’s not special anymore.
I think acting loving in some cases makes the days just go by peacefully and happily but doesn’t bring the spark back.
D.
Hi James and Dalia,
I have a similar problem, however my husband had an affair/relationship for 10 years with the same woman. I found out through text messages in 2010. We have 3 children together and I was completely blindsided and devastated. At that time in 2010 when I discovered their relationship, my children were 17, 15, and 10. It was slow going but I gave him another chance. We went to therapy, things weren’t perfect but I was devoted to my kids and keeping the family together. He betrayed my trust again in 2016 and I was “done” ! I discovered more texts between him and the same woman.. He said they were just friends.. but that betrayed our agreement.
I decided to let him stay until my youngest got off to college in 2017. We are still living platonically together in the house now (for family and financial reasons until my oldest daughter gets married next summer.)
He has always sworn he still loves me and would never hurt me again but I can’t trust him anymore.
So throughout this long story and years of 2nd guessing my decisions, I always wished I could act lovingly, as your email states, and get that feeling back.
So my question is, when do you tell a client “this can’t be resolved and move on?” Acting lovingly can’t always replace the devastation of betrayal.
Do you have any advice on this?
I did not see the response to this question. It will be very helpful to print the response to this question. It is one many of your readers, including myself, have experienced.
Thank you so very much for enlightening us all.
Hi Dalia. That certainly is a difficult situation.
In the kind of circumstances you’ve described, things are a little different. It’s not about rekindling a spark that has faded due to boredom or becoming adapted and “used to” each other. Rather, in a circumstance like that, it’s about the mental representation you hold in your mind about him and the relationship. That’s what has shifted.
In a situation like this, the work is internal. It happens at the belief-level. For example, do you believe you are investing yourself in something lasting, beautiful, and worthwhile? Or do you (at some some level) hold back in fear of being hurt or deceived again?
This kind of internal work is something a psychotherapist can help with in counseling if you decide it’s something you truly want. You might also want to read our mini-report about healing from this kind of situation, titled “Surviving Infidelity.”
Wishing you love and happiness,
James
Hi James, I am from India. I just now saw your video which explains about the issues we women face in relationship and how to solve them forever. Mine, I believe, is a different issue. We had a relationship for 1 year and at the start itself he told me that this is not going to happen anyways as my parents won’t agree for love marriage. He has a typical family which kind of follows Orthodox tradition that you need to marry a girl whoever we show you. He decided to sacrifice for his parents and even I thought the same. However, I don’t want to leave him and I don’t want to give up. Could you help me with this problem?
Hi Soni. There’s a lot of value in community and family relationships. If it was just about tradition, I’d say, “who cares about tradition.” But I understand enough about Indian culture to know that it’s really about your long-term relationship with your family and his.
Interestingly, research shows that we Americans are typically less happy in our relationships than couples formed by arranged marriage in countries where that is the customary way of doing things. Researchers have followed up on this and found that our friends and family actually do a better job of picking a match for us that we do when picking a match for ourselves.
Despite this, we Americans are revolted by the idea of marrying someone we are assigned to rather than someone we feel drawn to buy our emotions (with the exception of Americans from arranged marriage cultures).
I cannot change your culture and your family’s values any more than you can. But I do know that your long-term happiness will be affected by honoring your family and your community. However, if you believe this is wrong (arranged marriage) and you want to break the tradition so that it is not up to your children to do so, perhaps there is no better time than now. Obviously, your love interest would have to make the same decision for this to work out. That stacks the odds against you, but it may be worth having the discussion with him anyway.
Either way, we’re with you. We are rooting for you to have a beautiful life with all the richness relationships can provide.
James
Hi James, Thanks for your reply. Even at the starting I too thought to sacrifice for my parents. But now I feel I cannot just leave him and I don’t want to share him with someone else. I am clear with my decision but he doesn’t even want to discuss this with his parents because they would get hurt with the discussion saying “I am in love with someone”. And also his parents warned him many times it seems, not to love anyone and simply marry a girl they show him. My love decided to stick with his parents decision and therefore he is “sacrificing”. As you said earlier, that “Hero instinct” worked for many women, can you help me with the same James?
Hi Soni. In this case, it seems his hero instinct has been triggered more powerfully by his family than by you. I don’t offer individual coaching here on the blog, but you are welcome to bring your question to our coaches in the private forum.