Peter Drucker, the well-known business guru, once said, “The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn’t being said.”
In other words, you have to know how to read between the lines.
That’s true in any situation where two people interact, and it’s especially true in romantic relationships. Why? Because so much of communication is what the other person isn’t saying.
If you only pay attention to what the man in your life says, you’re missing a lot of what he’s communicating with you!
With practice, you can hone the skill of reading his unspoken thoughts. But how do you practice? By getting feedback.
When you’re in a conversation with the man in your life, notice how he says it. How is he sitting? Is his posture relaxed or tense? What about his tone of voice? What is his facial expression? And don’t stop there.
That was the easy stuff you probably already notice without even trying. But let me challenge you to go further. This is someone you know well. If you use your imagination, you can probably make some fairly accurate guesses about what he’s feeling.
This is the hard part. But if you use my formula for success, you can get feedback that’s guaranteed to hone your skill.
Instead of jumping to conclusions, talk to him about what you read between the lines. And do it without making him feel like you’re psychoanalyzing him. No one likes to be under the microscope!
The easiest way is to just ask questions. For example, “Are you feeling worried about that?”
If he wants to know why you’re asking, just explain that you imagine that’s how you’d feel. That gives him a no-pressure opportunity to clarify his feelings. And you get a little bit better at reading between the lines. Getting feedback gradually improves your skills for reading the unspoken communication.
It’s important that you approach this with humility, especially at first. You may be wrong. A lot. Don’t let your ego get wrapped up in correctly predicting what’s going on inside his head. Think of this as a learning opportunity that will pay off later.
Over time, you’ll get really good at hearing all of what he’s communicating–what he says, and what he doesn’t say. As that happens, the lines of communication will open even wider. He’ll feel understood on a profound level.
Women who master this skill end up in relationships with men who aren’t afraid to share their thoughts and feelings.
The key is recognizing that you’re already reading between the lines, just like everyone else. Instead of doing it without giving it much thought, make it a habit to do it with intention. Talk to him about what you hear that’s not being said, and learn from the times when your conclusions are both right and wrong.
No one has a crystal ball. You’re not going to become a mind reader. But you can get better at bypassing the male tendency to be less expressive verbally. With practice, you can develop the skill of hearing things that would be easy to miss.
-James
Hi James…
I have reconnected with a boyfriend from 30 years ago. We had a wonderful relationship but I chose to leave it due to 2 small boys I had. I didn’t think he was ready. We both had married and divorced since then. He found me on Facebook and we have been in contact since then. He said he was searching for me for 5 years. He said he thought of me all those years and missed what we had. We live 1,100 miles apart. After my divorce l was planning on moving to one of 4 states which His was one of them. I have seen him twice now and it is just as it was back then… we both agree. He has 1 son still at home, who has some emotional issues which he has shared and I have 3 in Highschool. We’re working on building our friendship, again. But he knows I want to be in his life. He has show signs of protection, he helped me with my resume, even looks for jobs he knows I am interested in. He sends sweet notes and wants to chat. He trusts me with very private things and I as well. He suggested me living close to him, with the kids to start with, and as our kids finish up their schooling. He is a very private person and doesn’t let any woman to come to his home, but he has invited me next time out to cook me dinner, this is a big thing, but I know he’s scared… One thing happened, we were talking on the phone and he had a few drinks and carried on about how he was going to take me to his home and have me stay there when I come out, whether his son had a issue or not. He went on about me promising not to leave him… and then said he loved me many times. I said I did too and he asked me if I really did and I said yes.
It took me a little bit to figure out that he was a little drunk so I said he should go to bed. I talked to him a few days later and he didn’t remember any of that, and apologized for drinking and talking that way. I said I will have to pay attention to when he does have drinks and not take anything seriously…
I am confused about how to take this.
Hi James, l have been in a relationship with the father of my baby for 4years, we not married but staying together. First 2years in our relationship was wonderful, he then changed, he would go out for about 2 to 3day without any trace when he comes back he pretends as if nothing happens. If l ask him where was he? He fights with me and starts saying lam a controlling freak then l leave him. Sometimes after getting paid he goes out and misuse his half salary when he comes back, he will apologise and say he doesn’t know what’s going with him, if he has money he feels like spending and spending till it finishes,. He has too many girlfriends, he once cheated on me when l was pregnant and l still believe that hes still doing it with many different girls.l love him for the fact that he understood my chronic disease that l have, but l feel like hes taking advantage of that. Please help me how do l deal with such a situation. Thank you.
I am in a marriage with my husband for 22 years. My husband has owned a business for about 12 years or so. He has a worker/ turned sister during that time. He is definitely emotionally involved with her as she has helped him along with his business. I had felt insecure about my relationship with him as he seemed closer to her and they’ve shared many things together. Whereas I am always too tired to make time for him after work. We’ve had grown apart in the years as I am not good in communicating with him. He reassures me that he loves me but I still feel insecure about his relationship with her.
You already know what the problem is so change it. You are responsible for the things you do and do not do. It sounds like you have done the same thing for 12 years (time he has had his business), which results in the same results. Do something differently. For one, stop being tired. I can not imagine you have the same things going on for 12 long years. Make time for your husband. Spend time with your husband. Take pointers from your (sis-in-law). She clearly has characteristics he is drawn to. Find out what his love language is (not yours) and begin to make changes. Know you are only responsible for yourself, not him. Do your part and he will do his.
Also, release those insecurities. Think on the things that make you feel good. Positivity. Good vibes. Find and pull in those things that make you happy. Think on those things. Practicing gratitude is a really good start.
Peace and Blessings,
Dr. KVR
Hello, my husband suffers from depression. Sometimes he just shuts me out. He appears to have not had a really untiring homelife. He can be loving and kind and then the depression hits he pulls away. If I try to cheerlead he thinks I’m trying to control. It really brings me down and I feel helpless. I want him to get better but this is really a lot. Is it even worth staying?
Hi. I’m in a relationship with a guy now for almost a year. He lives with and his son and his son’s mother. He says that they are not sleeping together and I want to believe him but my gut feeling tells me that they’re still sleeping together. I have fallen in love with him and I’m in a monogamous relationship with him. I really don’t see a future with him so what do you think I should do?
Hi Lachana,
I’m of two minds on this topic. First, your gut feelings are in most cases there to protect you in some way. You will pick up on subtle clues that you may not be able to pinpoint but you just have that “feeling”. I would tell any of the young women in my family to trust that feeling because we have it for a reason. On the other hand, if you have a history of being hurt, that could be the cause of that feeling. Second, trust is a choice. You can chose to take a chance and trust that he is being honest with you and possibly get hurt but you might also be building the foundation of a great relationship. We do have relationship coaches available in our forum if you would like to get in touch with them.
Wishing you the best,
Tracey
Run as fast as you can, drop him. Focus on yourself and dig into you to heal whatever issues drew you to someone not available. Blessings.
There are choices to be made and you should be the one to make them- not him. Until He is on his own he will never be yours. I don’t know him but I know the type- he wants her and you. This is not fair to either of you ladies- and frankly, he is not worth your devotion.
YOU are important. YOU are to be cherished. YOU should be the queen of someone’s world. Settle for nothing less. Being alone can be “painful and sad”, but if he cant be there for you 24 -7 you are really alone but have a sometimes visitor.
Again- it is your choice- but if it were mine- I would break it off- completely. No calls, no bumping into him at places you used to go. Nothing. If he texts- dont answer. Find someone worthy of your love- never accept sloppy seconds. The right man is out there open your heart and open your eyes and he will be there.
Why would you see a man that lives with his sons mother? They are obviously still together that’s a fact or he wouldn’t still be there. Sadly he is telling you what you want to hear.
Hello, My Name is Ariane,
I have been dating a man for almost 1yr now. He started coming to my house every other day. Now he practically lives with me. He has expressed his Love for me. However, I dont feel it. I see myself shuttng down, for I’m still unsure of his love for me. I love him, and would like for him to move in; indefinately. I also would like for him to help out with bills, for he sleeps, eats and does everything at my house. I don’t know how to start that conversation. He had a really bad breakup with his kids mother. He says; he has little to no trust in Woman. However, he feels different with me. Can be very confusing at times.
I know, he wants to take his time. I just really want him to be honest, and say so. Everytime; I bring it up.. he stays quiet, and either stares at me, or looks down to the floor.
Any Advice for me?
Hi Ariane,
Thanks so much for your comment! Your situation sounds complicated and I feel like you’d greatly benefit from being a part of our community and some back and forth consultation. I recommend that you bring it up in our private forum where we have actual relationship coaches on staff to answer questions and give advice. To access this forum, you would need to sign up for the Irresistible Insiders Club.
Within this private community, you can also ask questions and share experiences with like-minded women and our most advanced members. This way you can get extra real-time feedback and support for your unique situation.
Warm wishes,
Tracey
Hi there. I was in a relationship with someone who cheated on me and is still cheating. It’s all about his ego and what he gets out of it. I recently discovered that he’s cheating and it’s not the first time. I tried approaching him. He feels guilty but up until now he still hasn’t told me the truth even if I have all the proof. I don’t know what to do. I still love him but with all the lies I’m not sure if I still want him.
Hi Carmen,
Your situation really breaks my heart. It sounds like your relationship lacks the needed respect to sustain a loving and long-term relationship.
There are two reports written by James that I want to recommend to you. The first is titled: Help I Love A Man Who Isnt Right For Me. The second report is titled: How To Survive Infidelity
Whichever way you decide to go always remember that you deserve to be loved AND respected.
Best,
Tracey T.
Hi there Tracey,
Thanks for your comment, I approached him about his infidelities and he’s denied everything. The best for me was to break up with him, no matter what message I sent him speaking about us and my feelings, I never get a reply back. So I’ve decided to stop everything as I’m tired of the hurt.
Hey Carmen,
If you’ve made the decision to walk away from a painful relationship then you should stick by it. There may come a time when he realizes what he’s lost and tries to get you back. Speaking from my own personal experience, my humble advice would be to stick to the decision you’ve made because ultimately that decision was made out of love for yourself and not accepting less than you deserve. You are worthy of an unselfish love and it is out there. Don’t settle for less.
Best,
Tracey T.
Actions speak louder than words. Why would anyone love a cheater? Get rid of him and research why you stay with a cheater and, worse, call it love. YOU come first, so start acting like it.
Hi Carmen:) So you have all the proof? Phone msgs and calls? Just curious how you found out and what you did:)
Hi James,
I am also in a long distance relationship with someone I used to have a romantic relationship with in my twenties. It has been 40 years since then. We came across each other again on Facebook and I have moved since to Florida about 1500 miles from where he is in my hometown. When we first talked online after all those years I was surprised how much he remembered about me and he said he used to see me at different times after that and still felt a longing for me. He is a really shy guy and has a hard time opening up with his feelings so telling me that meant alot to me. We have been talking for about 4 months now and I have professed my feelings to him but it is taking him a while to do the same. But he has intentions to come and visit with me but when he only knows. He has said that he is falling in love with me recently so that is a good thing. But we go through these long periods of silence where I start to get worried. It’s probably only in my head and I know he works really hard and does not have much time off. He had a daughter that died when she was 28 two years ago and he is still grieving her. She had a son and he is having a hard time to leave and lose his bond with his grandson. I understand all that and I don’t want to be selfish but I often feel very lonely without him and wish he was here. I have had the discussion where I said I would try moving back there but he said no don’t get rid of your house. Which leads me to think that eventually he will want to move here. I just don’t know. I wish I was more sure of how he feels. When we video chat his body language tells me that he does love me. I may be over thinking this. What do you think?
I will take everything with a pinch of salt. Too many stories from this guy. He seem to tell you what you want to hear abd there is something he is not communicating. Do not get rid of your house thats a sure sign from him that he is not 100% with this relationship and thats very kind of him because he can see you are falling head over heels yet he is not at that sane level. Another clue he doesn’t want to lose the bonding with grand children ???????? umm l dont buy that. Play it safe he is not 100% there dear..
I can’t see his facial or physical expressions because we have a long distance relationship. We do video chat on Facebook but only when we have the time. Are there other clues?
I have a boyfriend that will not commit to me. I tell him I care about him and he says, thank you I appreciate that, but, he never tells me he cares about me at all. It is a long distance relationship and when he calls, which is every night, I tell him I miss him.. He says he misses me too. But he never says it first. He has his own business and he works hard and belongs to several lodges and clubs and is busy all the time. He calls me when he gets home at night. With the long distance there is a 2 hour difference in time. When it’s 9:30 his time it’s 11’30 my time. We talk for 15 min. to a half hour. He is very regimented and has to go to bed at 10:00 his time. He is a very nice person and I don’t want to lose him. He makes me feel like he’s slipping away. What can I do? We were old High School friends. We both lost our spouses to cancer. We have dated one day. And have been communicating with texts and phone calls for 2 months. What can I do to make him tell me he misses me , before I tell him?
Hi Laura,
I do understand what sort of issues and confusion you are going through. I have gone through the same issues . Only the difference was I was his wife and he was with his girl friend nearly 10 years on and off. At last he left her and issues between us gone too complicated because he was depressed and emotionally abusing me. The end results is I walk out and need time to think but divorced me.i think first you need to get your self esteem and independence. Once you become positive guys will love you. Start being friend and take it slowly at least one year if they really want you will not force to have sex or leave you. It is your choice what you want.
jabeen
Hello James. I am an avid reader of your posts and find them really insightful. But I haven’t found most answers about my last relationship which is why I’m writing today. I met the guy 3 weeks after I separated from my husband of 13 years. He told me straight away he had a wife and 3 kids so I felt safe when we started texting. I was feeling so depressed after 13 years of an emotionally abusive marriage that when someone showed me so much appreciation and interest I just went for it. Soon it turned out he wasn’t happy in his marriage (they’ve been together for nearly 20 years). He said there was no affection between him and his wife for ages but that they “get along well” and are “like flatmates”. We’d text very often, he’d come over twice a week and we’d go out to cafes, or cycling – which is what we both love doing. We had other common interests, too. He was never pushy but we did start having sex after about 4 months. And that was a huge mistake on my part, because soon the sex turned into love, for me. I started caring. For a few months I hoped things might just work themsleves out. He told me twice during our relationship that he was considering moving out, but he never did. He was always very considerate, supported me in going after my goals, had plans for us (but not the kind that I would like to hear about – just going to the cinema, theatre, taking our mutual kids to picnics). Around Easter I started asking him questions – for example, how he was going to explain to his wife if we did take my kids and his to a picnic together? He just said he’d find a way. I honestly don’t understand how that marriage works. I tried breaking up with him. It was always very emotional, about 10 times i wanted to end things but always came back. Until just about a week ago. We hadn’t seen each other for almost 6 weeks and even texts were few and far between because he was on holiday. Then invited me over to where he lives (about 10 miles away from me), showed me the places he usually eats and jogs, then we went for a long cycle. Even drove to the top of his road. I enjoyed myself while with him, as usual. But after getting home I got really upset. First of all, he’d told me to go out and date other guys and 2 minutes later suggested that he would love to come over for a coffee at my place. Then, I thought if someone saw us on that day, it would be worth it if we intended to be together. But why hurt people (especially his wife) if all we want is just a bit of fun together? So I broke it off for good. I still love him though and cry myself to sleep most nights. I feel like I don’t understand guys at all. He told me many times he had genuine feelings for me but couldn’t leave his kids. He wanted to have a relationship while still married? I went along with it for some time, but it just became unbearable. Now I’m scared to date anyone for fear I’m going to end up with another man who does’nt know what he wants. Or maybe it was all my fault all along? Any insight would be much appreciated.
Hi Laura! This is a very in-depth question, perfect for the private consultation service available in the new members area. It’s a bit too long for me to address as a blog comment. I love your involvement with the material I post here, but to get a guaranteed response to your personal questions, please use the private consultation service. It’s better for these kinds of questions.
Hi Laura.
That just sounds awful but glad you are out of it. Seems similar to my story. Hope his name wasnt Mick. How are you going. Your story touched me.
Great articles! I have loved your stuff and used the respect principle with great success. My bf responded immediately when I started using it. And I am learning to recognize when I say something that makes him disrespected. It really works!
But when I try to tell him how I feel about him he changes the subject. He is very uncomfortable hearing what I like about him. I don’t doubt how he feels about me, but I would like communicate better with him. He has been having some issues with his exwife and kids that have caused him to be going through a very difficult time. When he tells me about what bothers him, it seems my responses to him opening up cause him to stop talking. I would like to know how to respond to his emotions without shutting him down.
Women like to be supported the way they are used to their girlfriends supporting them. Guys like to be supported the way their guy friends support them. Which is means silence and acceptance as they display whatever emotions emerge. You might try supporting him by saying things along the lines of, “Well I support you, and I know you will make the best decisions.” It’s this kind of (I’ve got your back, man) support that guys seem to be most able to receive without shutting down or feeling embarrassed about having opened up.
I tried this this morning when our conversation went the way it has for a while (trying to define our relationship)… We got to the point where he wants definition of the relationship, then I told him how I feel (using a story I practiced— this is where thing have been going south), then he responded simply, “I feel the same way.” And I felt no withdrawal!!!
I took a deep breath and didn’t respond. He asked what channel the football game was on (lol)…. Then in about 10 minutes he started talking again and said some very sweet things. He brought up some barriers in our relationship and I responded, “remember when that happened last time and you handled it so well, I know you can do that again.”
And we are on the same page again… Success! Thank you!!
Great! 🙂
Hi James: Your articles are always interesting, inspiring and helpful. I can read between the lines sometimes by repeating with my own words what my husband says to clarify things. When I remember to do that, it works well. My husband of two decades and I have different ideas about life but we have worked as a team raising a family. Now that the children are older, it is getting difficult to communicate with him because he is so different as me in the way we see the world. I am practicing respect and appreciation like you recommend and it helps, but sometimes I forget and then I feel bad because I say the wrong things. My husband is a good man, a good provider, a good father, but he is cold with me and gets grouchy often, of course, the world is a dangerous place and he wants to protect his family and I understand and acknowledge that often, but I get tired. How can I keep calm, grounded, cheerful and strong to continue in this adventure that is marriage ?.
Hi Sofi. Do you think he realizes (1) that he has these cold attitude episodes and (2) the negative impact it has on your quality of life?
If you’re unsure, you might start there. Find out if he even realizes it’s happening. Then give it some time. Don’t try to suggest that he change. If he is the loving, protective kind of provider you believe him to be, he is more likely to change if left to his own methods (rather than when told what he needs to do differently).
James
Can’t understand a man who says No Expectations No Disappointment that Realistic.
I can’t read him! Is he Scared or non Commited. GUARDED?
I have so much HOPE.
HI
I have been in a relationship for 5 months. He has calls and texts fm many women says he care about me gave me key to his house I really care for thos man he says his heart is pure with me but often talk to amd text other women sometime in my presence he will eventually tell me who he talked to but I feel it is disrespectful sincr we are in a committed relationship I often spend the nights with him I know he is not cheating but dont know what to think of his relationship with other women
Sometimes you need to set boundaries when a person’s behavior threatens the stability of the relationship. That can be true even if he has no intention of pursuing a relationship with any of these women, but you are not willing to stay in a relationship that involves this kind of behavior. If that’s the case, you owe it to him to tell him; give him a chance to change by expressing the fact that this is not okay with you.
Just be sure you are okay with sticking to the same boundaries for the relationship. Which, it appears would mean you could not have casual conversations with men. Some people feel that is way too strict, while others feel it is necessary. Start an open discussion with him about the pros and cons of cutting off other relationships to protect the one you are in.
I have been dating a guy for 3 yrs and have found out within the last year that he still does things for his ex-girlfriend and plus buys her a xmas present and her whole family. But has never bought my family anything. He states they are just friends nothing more. Recently we have discussed this and he has been taking me with him to do stuff for her. But I am still a little concerned about the situation. He swears to me that I am what he wants that I am who he wants to spend the rest of his life with no one else. He tells me he loves me several times a day. He is spending time with me and my kids and we all do stuff together. I have explained I want to be included in his life and If he feels the need to get them a card and stuff this year I want to see it and my name will be included on it and he did not hesitate to say okay. Just would love your thoughts
In my opinion, it’s a sign of a good catch. I have worked with several men who have a hard time cutting people out of their life, not because of romantic feelings, but because of loyalty and a genuine desire to take care of others and honor friendships. He seems to have nothing to hide, and a desire to make you his priority. I would not worry about it.