We are more vulnerable to being hurt by someone we love.
Their opinion matters more. Their actions or disregard for our feelings can sting more deeply.
That’s why you can find yourself in a fight that seems to last all day.
The fight rages from the kitchen to the bedroom, to the living room. Hot anger melts away the surface-level niceties and displays of respect you each deserve from each other.
When that happens, I have two suggestions for you to consider.
A number of couples who have gone through this have reported the same thing. A change of scenery helps.
For some reason, moving to a new location can shake you and your partner out of the entrenched battle mode that seems to be going nowhere.
Go sit on a park bench together. Take a walk. Or just sit on the back porch. These changes of scenery can cool you off and change your perspective.
Here’s what often happens. A change in scenery results in a greater effort to be civil. Because you’re sort of starting over.
It helps you to focus on solutions (rather than winning argument points). And it helps you both return to a more decent way of speaking to each other.
Another simple technique involves writing.
Writing forces you to slow down. It helps you contemplate the clearest way to express your true thoughts. As a result, it reduces many of the misunderstandings that can fuel a fight for hours. It prevents the spin-off arguments. Arguments that have nothing to do with the core issue.
Here’s how to make writing work.
You both sit down and write why you and your partner see the issue differently. You don’t try to use it as an opportunity to prove your partner wrong. You simply write your perception of why there is a disagreement in the first place.
This forces you to more carefully consider each other’s perspectives.
Very often, the breakthrough happens while both partners are writing, not after the exchange of what you both wrote. That’s because the writing itself causes you to both slow down, cool off, and focus on what the core issue is.
When you focus on why you see things differently, you both become more empathic to the other person’s way of seeing things. It becomes easier to see how change, compromise, or understanding might heal the rift that has formed between you.
Always on your side,
waaoh! Waooh! Thank you James, I hope we could all see it your way, I think Human love need no conditions, and that’s what you are sharing with us in your blogs, not to judge oneself and say a’m the one, he/she is wrong.
how do I now know that my choice is wright ?
Yes James I would imagine this to be completely accurate. First off no one wants to be with someone who is constantly arguing; in the same sentence obviously arguments occur especially with a partner, wife, etc…
I’m beginning to wonder why I continue to read these not because of your writing or knowledge by any means, that is amazing. It is just that I don’t have a partner I don’t have a boyfriend I don’t even know if I believe in a man to be honest with me 100%. So far at my ripe age of nearly 40, I’ve yet to find a man that loves me entirely, just me, because HE wants to, because he wakes up and goes to sleep every night with me on his mind. I was married, and I was definitely not the “wife” that I have always dreamed about being my entire life. He’s now my best friend and I can’t even imagine losing his friendship. I’m a straight speaker, not shooter but speaker! I wear my heart on my sleeve, give way more than I receive, although not the average statement cited above. I just love whole heartedly and continue to believe that I will find my happiness but then again I am finally waking up to the fact that this ONCE diva, dating, naughty lady that I was quite honestly might be too broken to attempt the trust of a man again. This last one I enjoyed entirely was absolutely king at the single game and I fell and I fell hard and lost too much to even open that wound again.
Now it seems that men are only interested in the one thing that I is animal humans crave but I’m not that girl, I’ve grown up. I’ve lost everything that has ever meant anything to me, and I don’t believe I am going to be able to open my big huge heart again.
I’ll continue to read your Blogs and your affiliates as well. Although when I read them I agree with every word said both male or female and I do all of the things you write about, so I think it’s just time for me to sign off of this pretend fantasy happily ever after romance. It is just that… Pretend! Happy Irish Day, enjoy your date night with your wife and family, and thank you for sharing your stories with me and whom ever subscribe. It has allowed me to realize I am stronger than I ever imagined, and also that I follow these rules and guidelines “Men are from Mars Woman from Venus.” So, maybe it’s time to wake up smell the coffee and realize that life has to go on alone with my daughter. She’s the most important thing to me anyways.
Thanks again James,
There is power in acceptance. Sometimes unexpected healing as well.
Thank you for walking this path with us.
I can accept your choice to stop searching for someone to invest in. But it sounds like you are an amazing person with a very big heart. Don’t stop being that person with a big heart.
When we first got married we had a huge fight, and I left, went to the park and wrote down how I had always wanted such a strong connection others could feel it. I want a relationship that creates electricity across a crowded room. I left the note where he could find it and went about my day. He came up behind me and hugged me and said,”How can I be mad when we want the same thing.” We were married thirty years when he died.