No, the title isn’t a typo.
It may seem counter intuitive, but some of the non-romantic things guys do signal that your relationship is actually moving forward. When he does one of the following three things, don’t discourage him.
What he does: Act protective of you.
You’re not helpless. 99% of the time you don’t need a protector. But there will still be moments when a guy goes out of his way to defend you. Sometimes it shows up in an annoying form, like trying to help you with something you’re pretty good at.
What it means: He’s invested in you.
You may not be a damsel in distress, but do you really want to stop him from playing the role of prince charming?
When he comes to your aid, he’s not making a statement about your ability to be self-sufficient. Instead, he’s doing it for the same reasons you’d go to bat for a friend. Because he cares.
What he does: Include you in his adventurous play.
You may not be into sports or the outdoorsy type. It’s entirely possible that you don’t care at all about hunting, fishing, football or Frisbee golf. And yet, he keeps trying to pull you in.
What it means: He wants to share the things he likes with you.
Think about the last time you experienced something that moved you. A book, a movie, or a conversation with a friend. You probably had the urge to share those positive feelings with someone else. He feels the same urge.
Okay, so you’re never going to live and breathe football. That’s fine. Still, make the effort to be open to the things he’s passionate about. He wouldn’t bother sharing them with you if your relationship weren’t headed in a good direction.
What he does: Stops trying to impress you.
When the two of you first met, he was all about putting his best foot forward. He was careful to avoid doing things that might put you off. His manners were impeccable. He’d watch whatever movie you picked, eat where you wanted, and plan elaborate, romantic dates. But as the relationship progressed, he stopped trying so hard.
What it means: He wants to build a genuine, lasting relationship.
No one can keep up the pressure of trying to impress all the time. It’s too much work. At some point, our comfort levels rise enough that we drop our guard. We let others see us for who we really are. Even the bad stuff.
This can be a good sign.
Instead of putting on a show, he’s letting you see who he really is. He’s being himself. You want to encourage that by letting him know you’re comfortable with him, too.
Sometimes non-romantic things mean your relationship is headed in the right direction. When you notice him doing these three things, don’t flip out. Instead, read between the lines.
When you see what he’s really telling you, you’ll want to encourage the occasional lack of romance. After all, it means he’s serious about you.
oh yes. red flags big time. You made the right choice.
this was great to read-I know the saying just because someone doesn’t love you like you want them too, doesnt mean they don’t…it’s tough to look for and see those “other” ways and things, but once you are aware, you will see more and more…I have been on my 2nd round with my guy, for 4 months so far this time around-still no relationship “label/status” not b/f, g/f yet…I am hopeful
thanks James-love reading your stuff!!!
I have a question on a situation that I find a little confusing. I recently dated a 38 yr old man who seemed to exhibit protectiveness and also wanted me to experience the sports that he enjoyed, even if I wasn’t as into it. Well, the problem that I had was that the lack of need to impress kicked in within two weeks of meeting (two dates).
In fact, this man flat out indicated that he expected for me to be ready to commit to a relationship after date #2. I objected but we worked through that. Later, he made it clear that he would expect sex every time we saw each other and I am not talking about innuendos or flirting. He flat out stated that if he came to visit (he lives in another town) that I would have to spend the night. This all within 3 weeks of meeting/ dating.
I explained that I did not think demanding sex was helping him any and kills the romance for me. He got mad and claimed I was saying no to sex and therefore he believed I had a low sex drive. He said he had always tried to be emotional supportive of me since we were long distance (that was true) and that I wouldn’t “take care of his needs.” Needless to say, he is history. My question is was I right to consider these as serious red flags? Was this guy crazy and pushy or is this the norm out in the world? Thank you!
Hi Sarah. That guy was crazy and pushy.
Run from this guy as fast as you can.
Going back to the first conversations, I can feel for the women who felt their partners have lost interest. My fiancé had lost interest in sex as well. First he told me it was an ED problem. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, etc…
I noticed the intimacy grew farther and farther and the level of porn watching for him exceeded. I can’t tell you how hurt it made me feel that he preferred that to me. He tried to convince me that it was helping him with his ED. I could not accept nor live with this. I finally asked him to move out. When he realized how serious I was he said we would get help (counceling). It turns out he was addicted to porn. Its been a long recovery road. We now realizes that his ED was self inflicted by the damage porn created in his mind. I too was surprised to learn how much it destroys healthy relationships.
Very interesting. Thanks for sharing this.
What is ED?
erectile disfunction
Victoria, Hi, I don’t know how old your post is, as they are not dated, or whether you will read this. However, my comments may be relevant to other women, too, with your problem. Yes, you are right about Internet Porn destroying relationships. I am now almost 69 (just realized the significance of that number – no pun intended!! Sorry – it just caught my silly sense of humour, and we DO have to keep a sense of humour!!). Anyway, I am sure when I was young that porn was hardly even thought of. Yes, there were the top-shelf (dirty) girly magazines, which I assumed were aimed at dirty old men and for teenagers to hide under the bed, and maybe it was more rife than I ever knew, but I don’t think so. At any rate, it was not talked about. My niece suffered from the internet porn problem. When she was newly struggling with breast-feeding a new-born baby, she came downstairs and caught her husband late at night “doing” things in the sitting room in front of the computer. He did not want to have sex with her at that time – found her repulsive. She was horrified, and after some months of being unable to resolve the issues, she divorced him. My eldest daughter, who is now 42, struggled with her husband for years, as his addiction to sado-masochism became worse and worse. He wanted to dress up and get her to whip him. She could not cope with this. They went for sex-counselling, and the counsellor hinted that she was a prude!! She gradually refused to do it, and became distraught – to the point of a nervous breakdown. He then proclaimed it was not a problem, as he would visit the specialist clubs instead. She, too, was horrified, came home to us to tell all, and then divorced him.Thank goodness there were no children involved, as it turned out he was impotent. It absolutely destroyed both of them, as they really loved each other – and has had lasting effects on her with her new husband. I’m not sure if internet porn was involved here, but it bears similariies. I have read articles and seen on television that this problem is getting worse and worse nowadays. Very young men are now suffering from erectile disfunction because they believe they cannot live up to what they have been watching, and feel inadequate. It also creates disrespect for women in them. One article I read suggested that it is an addiction, like any other, and can be worked on with a therapist. As you say, Victoria, it can be addressed, but as you have said, it can be a long journey. I really, really admire you for having the courage to address this issue, and share it here. You must love your man very, very much to be able to take this on board and work through it. I hope he realizes what a wonderful woman you are. I am not sure I would have the strength to do that. Certainly, some little time ago, I had no understanding of this problem, and was absolutely horrified by it all. However, James’ forum has revealed that it is a HUGE problem, and I have changed my mind-set about it. Strange how humans can do this. Gradually, I have changed my point of view, and come to realize that humans are very frail creatures, and we all need the love and support of each other just to get through. I don’t know what the ansawer is to the porn problem. Maybe more education in schools. I know here in England they are introducing education on all sorts of sex issues now, which they did not do when my children were at school, so maybe that is a good thing. It used to be very much the old saying, “No sex, please, we’re British”. But I think that must also apply to many other countries. Conversely, I believe there are countries in Europe that have a much more relaxed view of sex, but is that necessarily a good thing? I am not sure. I notice now on the road-sides here we are beginning to get sex-shops springing up, but I am not comfortable with that. When we visited Eastern Europe some years ago in our camper-van, there were prostitutes lining the road – in the middle of no-where. And sex shops everywhere – with scantilly-clad women in the windows. I could not come to terms with that, either. Perhaps I, too, am a prude? I do enjoy sex, but I like my sex to be about loving the other person, showing and sharing that love in a sexual way, and caring about each others’ needs. I could never have a one-night-stand. That to me is mucky. You never know where they have been!! Am I wrong? Lorna (LaLa)
James
I could use some advice. Been out of dating world for over 25 years. Then started dating a man for about a year and a half . It was great in every way except it seemed I wasn’t a priority his hobbies always. Came first or he would never give a straight answer on when we could see each other we both have busy jobs and teenagers so I thought we should plan he had a hard time with that. I asked him to try to plan time and told him I expected more then him showing up at 8 of 9 pm and just come for a booty call. Then he decided it was to hard and didn’t want to see each other any more. We had a great chemistry and talked about future he even talked about hope and love . Then nothing. He has been divorced a long time and not in a relationship like this since. Now his excuse is he likes to be alone . Is there any hope with this person should I just move on. I am crazy about him and it is hurting me. How does a man go from wanting to share life with you to just ending it to be alone.
Hi Rox. I would not advise you to pursue a relationship with this man. It seems like the point at which he lost interest was the point at which you set a boundary and explained to him what you really want. He bowed out at that point, and so you should not pursue him further. You did the right thing by setting a boundary, because it revealed that the two of you are not compatible.
Hello James, I enjoy your advice column, at 60 yrs. it is refreshing and insightful to read. I spent the last 5 yrs. with a man who, after clinging to me in every sense of time and motive, finally just up and left. He was always fun to be around, attentive, was close and satisfying in the bedroom, and we seemed a good fit. Altho he was never faithful and had many affairs, we seemed to always want to stay together. God says to forgive, and I did..I just think I didn’t set enough boundaries for him to not abuse me like that. BUT! Looking at the future with this guy, I was feeling less and less like creating a life long future with him. He is a true narcissist!!…I think it took me the 5 yrs to realize I don’t need him….and am better off spending my time improving my own self esteem and desires, and find a way to improve what I truly want out of life. When I do accomplish that, then I will put energy back into wanting a man…if I do want one at all. My question is..can a narcissist change? Thanks, any advice?
Hi Val. Narcissists have a hard time changing because they rarely realize they are narcissistic. Part of the disease of narcissism is hiding things from yourself (mainly, the pain of feeling constantly inadequate, which you try to escape from through the constant unspoken agenda of putting others beneath you). So they do not change easily, though it is possible, sometimes through a profound emotional healing experience of self-acceptance (flaws and all). Though I would not recommend waiting around for him. You deserve better.
Hi James, thank you for always sharing your valuable input about relationships. I’m 53, dating a 57 yr old attorney for a month ,met on an online dating site, he treated me like a queen, very generous, thoughtful, loving, appreciative , he said he loves me and I am an important part of his life and that he has found The One , sex was great, no sign of love fading. One day he stopped texting and didn’t call, which is out of the ordinary, then he texted that he’s 94 yr old mother who has dementiia and had a stroke got pneumonia and was rushed to the ER. I texted back like two times but he never responded, I was just worried about him because I know how he worships his mom, he claims he was a mama’s boy that’s why he’s never married. His dad passed away and he was an abusive dad, he would hit him with a wooden stick but his mom would shield him and get the beating. So anyway, he wouldn’t respond to my text so I called, he didn’t pick up so I left a message . After a few mins he texted back saying, I can’t believe I needed attention from him at a time like this, he is stressed and worried about his mom ‘s condition. He can not give the attention I need and said why can’t I wait until this emergency calms down . This conversation was last week . He never contacted me since then. I m not clingy it’s just that in my gut feeling he wasn’t totally being honest with me . What do I do , I think I’m falling for him ,should I give him space and wait, for how long? I need some closure coz it’s up in the air?
Maria,
People often go into “fight or flight” mode in an emergency situation. People who have a slightly aggressive personality style sometimes express the increased adrenaline by going into fight mode with everyone, even when there’s no provocation. I wonder if he regrets the way he spoke to you now.
You definitely want to give him time. Time to approach you when he feels ready. He may be grieving the deteriorating health of his favorite person in the world. So it may take a while.
But if you wait too long there’s also the risk of him avoiding you because he doesn’t know how to apologize. In cases like these, it often helps if you make it easier for him to bridge the gap. For example, a text message that simply says, “I’m glad you’re taking care of your mom right now. She should be proud to have some like you.”
A message like this is hard to interpret as a bid for attention. Because it’s just a statement. You’re stating something positive while also giving him implicit permission to do what he needs to do in order to protect the woman who protected him as a boy. Wishing you the best in this difficult relationship trial.
James
Hi James I really like your thoughtful posts and find them helpful in giving me and others insights into that rather alien (at times) creature which is man.
I get both, he’ll dash over to make sure I have my rain pants for riding my bike but won’t make plans or will vascillate. He indicates he’s free T<F <S on my week I dont have my children and yet Thursday morning, no set plan. When I raise it gently by saying I am happy to make alternatively plans if he is busy he suggests I am putting pressure on him. My response was "no pressure, babe, just no longer free". Now after daily contact on his part, I havent heard from him for over a week.
He tells me I am a "special" person and wants me to hear all about his concerns but my needs are often left swinging in the wind and there is not much "action" on his part to take me out (nothing fancy of course just a picnic would do).
He sounds rather me-focused, Susan. Does he have some redeeming qualities that make you want to build a long-term relationship with him? If so, think about the times when he has shown you the most attention. What are the variables (the circumstances) when he seems to be interested and engaged (actually notice you and care that you are sharing the present moment with him)? Sometimes, the answer to a question like that guides your mind to see ways to get more of what you like.
This is such a great idea, James! To think about what were the circumstances of the time, when he was very interested and engaged and shown her the most attention. I started thinking about my guy, and what was the situation , when he was showing the most attention to me. It was, when I gave him a deep thinking and an advice how to deal with his daughter, who was a problem at that moment in his life. That day, after we talked about her and how to handle the situation, my guy showed me so much passion and sex was great and he was so relaxed and happy till the end of the day. His daughter is now gone and lives on her own, but he has a son, who is back home for a school break. Do I need to encourage my man to talk about his son if I want to get more passion from him? To me it is weird, that I need to be his counselor and talk about his adopted kids to be able to keep his attention to myself. May be that is how men wired, I am just learning now.
My concern is my boyfriend has stopped trying to impress me. We still have sex. But he is not motivated to spend time together like he use to be. He has a lot of distractions lately. I am not sure what to make of it. We do live an hour apart, so the drive gets old, I’m sure. But the motivation is not there like it use to be. He is more argumentive & harder to get along with. He seems to just want things his way these days. does my situation apply to this? Or is this a totally different situation altogether? I’m confused for sure.
Hi Elaine. This post is about three things that most people don’t think of as “romantic” in the traditional sense, but which can be indicators of growing affection. It’s not about excusing a guy from trying to connect with you and invest in you. I suggest you open a conversation with him about what you need from him to feel fulfilled, loved, and happy. Frame it as something positive.
James
I want to know how you communicate to some one who does all the actions and proclaims you are the one yet on the other side of thecoin looks at the pwrsonals for greener pastures?
Lela, if you were able to communicate perfectly, what is the message you hope he would receive? Start there. Get very clear about what it is you need to communicate to him.
Is it that you need him to understand how he hurts you? Is it that you want him to understand that you are willing to work with him to create a great relationship if he would just put his energy into that same mission? Get really clear about what you need to communicate to him and you might find the answer to your question (the how) becomes easier to see.
Lela, have you ever heard the saying “actions speak louder than words”?
Hi James,
I love your advice, so I must ask you about this guy I started dating almost 8 weeks ago. About 4 weeks ago, he said he isn’t going anywhere, and that he feels that I’m an amazing woman, and that he really loves spending time with me. Things have been great, except this weekend. I saw him during the week, but he had an overnight bike trip on Friday, where he rides all night long- so he said right away that he’d be too tired to go out Saturday night. He casually mentioned possibly Sun or Mon. I said Sunday would be better- he said ok, but that was it. I only rec’d a text from him Sat stating that he slept all day, but nothing about Sunday. Then, Sunday ~1pm, I finally texted him stating that I was going to make other plans since it looks like he isn’t interested in going out again. He texted back that he didn’t realize that we had plans, and he was planning on going to his brothers. And next weekend, he has a bike trip planned up north for the whole weekend. Am I being too sensitive, or don’t I have a right to be a little upset that he didn’t want to spend his Sunday with me? Now we won’t spend any time together for 2 weekends in a row. He will probable will come and see me this week after work (he lives an hours away from me) but still. Thoughts??
Thanks
Hey Julie. Eight weeks of dating is not long enough to work out all the communication issues that are likely to come up in your relationship. You both need time to figure out the nuances of what the other person means when they say things in a certain way or when they use certain terms.
At face value, it seems as if he is putting his new relationship with you as a lower priority than some of his recreational pursuits. I understand why that stings a bit, and I agree it’s not a great sign, but it’s too early to tell for sure. For that reason, I suggest you avoid framing this as something that he needs to fix or apologize for. You’re likely to get better results by just explaining that you felt hurt but you don’t blame him cause you know you’re still trying to learn each other’s communication patterns.
By taking this non-accusatory approach, you decrease the chances of starting a potentially relationship-damaging argument before the relationship has really taken off. On top of that, he gets to see how his failure to be precise (or failure to keep his word) will not work for you. If the pattern keeps up, you will need to set some serious boundaries with him and explain what he’s going to have to do if he wants to have a relationship with you. But for now, I’d recommend you play it cool.
I always appreciated and loved it when he was protective. It made me feel safe and wanted. I would never not stop a man doing that, its a built in thing. Its if they stop doing that you should worry. I verbally and mentally attacked my ex as he began to back off. He wouldn’t say why and i ended up obsessed with trying to find something to pin on him, accuse him of, that would justify what was happening. He didn’t do anything, it was me. I was guilt transferring to him to avoid my hang ups and what i was doing to hurt him so much.
i realised the problems too late and hes gone. He deserves happiness, ill regret forever hoe i hurt him. I’m working on me, understanding why i did that. You never realise what you have till they ar
e gone. Look at yourself and be truthful.
Wow! I thought I was the only one with a spouse who didn’t preform the way he used to. He is 66 and takes ED meds but once or twice a month and no touching or anything is really getting to me. I have always wanted more sex then my partners. Now, I’m relegated to this for the rest of my life????
Thanks for that! I needed to read this. Women often mistake a man’s protectiveness as a negative. Thank you for the insight into how a man thinks and acts.
I totally get this! Thank you for this information, it is very timely for me. I already knew this on some level but you spelled it out perfectly. (smiling from ear to ear)
James, please answer Barbara’s question. This might be my issue also.
Yes, we’re waiting for an answer or at least your prospective…..
James, please address when a man starts raging at you and being verbally/emotionally/mentally abusive. I fear that some women, like I did, were taught to believe that now he was just ‘comfortable’ with me and could let it all hang out and this was somehow a good sign. Please let women know that you don’t mean that this sort of extreme is a good sign but rather a sign to run and never look back.
Yes, that’s a very good point you raise, Wonder. Abuse must not be tolerated. There is nothing intimate about hate and selfishness.
I am in a very similar situation as Barbara has described. I moved into his house after dating 1 1/2 years (we are both in our 60’s, been previously married, have grown children) and have found intimacy has left the relationship. He makes reference to ED and I have done my best to initiate close relations. Can feelings of inadequacy of being able to “perform” be so great as to shut someone down completely from the closeness necessary for a lasting long term relationship??
I can relate all too well to this story… The same thing is happening to me. What is going on? Either he is having an affair, or he has problems with keeping an erection.
He did all that BUT he stopped any and all intimacy, no sex, no passion, no touching other than a hug now and then. He turned me into a sister. The sadness and rejection I felt interfered with the fun and good feelings more and more, and he REFUSED to explain (I asked was it simply ED?), and REFUSED to engage in other forms of sexual affection. He wanted all my spare time and included me in all his activities and was interested and participated in mine. He knew I was disappointed that there was no eros, and started getting testy and critical with me. I really loved him but it was so hurtful after living like this for a full year (we were together two years) I finally asked him to just go away and leave me be. What do you think was going on here?
You were smart to get out. This happened to me with my husband…though I knew he was a sexual creature, he could barley bring himself to initiate sex & showed me no affection at other times, for many, many years. It wa soul-destroying for a long time.
He really just had severe emotional hang-ups, and was indifferent, or so it seemed. He’d shown interest & did what he needed to “capture” me, but once he had me, he turned off.
I had the same thing happen to me and turns out he was addicted to porn, and jacked off to that. He had nothing left for me since he was getting satisfied elsewhere.
If you figure it out, let me know. After 2 kids and 13 years of marriage I divorced my husband for the the same reason. For 7 years I was like a “sister” to him. I’ve since pmoved on and now I’m with a man who truly LOVES me in every way.
I’m not sure if you meant it this way, but it sounds like you are referencing a point of change. At some point, he began treating me like a sister. Were things different before?
I’m having the same trouble with my husband. We were incredibly passionate when we first got together, but now he has troubles initiating. It’s not ED for him, as we are both still young and he has absolutely no problems performing when we actually do anything. I always am satisfied in bed and let him know such when we do things, and I tell him explicitly sometimes how much I still want him in bed, but he says he’s still having confidence issues. He says it’s because of me turning him down a couple of times in the past, but it was only a couple of times and because I was feeling ill. I’m not sure how to encourage him, and I’m not really the sexy seductress type myself, so we seem to be in a standstill. I’ve tried talking openly about this with him, but he doesn’t have any ideas on how to get over this mental block either. Help?
Hi Aimee. It defies logic, but men are incredibly sensitive about rejection of initiated intimacy. It really is irrational how powerful the negative feeling can be for a man, and the degree to which it creates fear when he considers initiating something. Some women have resorted to things like using a pillow on the bed that has two different sides, “not tonight,” or “yes” to indicate whether they are receptive, in the mood, and at the right time of the month for their comfort.
I see two solutions. One is that he stops trying to control the feeling of fear, and instead focuses on what he wants to create with you. That would be the ideal. The books on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for anxiety are great for that (but giving him a book about anxiety may not go over well). The method is all about accepting your fear and then focusing on the things you’re committed to creating. Focusing on fear and trying to control it just makes it worse. Accepting the fear and not trying to control it allows you to move past it.
The second option would be for you to overcome your own hesitation to being openly seductive. There are few men who would be capable of resisting a woman who truly throws her heart into it, but it doesn’t take that much. All you have to do is something slightly suggestive (but still obvious on a physical level) and he will rise to the challenge (no pun intended). I know it can be intimidating and it may feel that it is outside of your normal range of behavior, but it might help if you just start with something simple like changing what you wear and standing at the doorway to the bedroom while beckoning him. You don’t have to say a lot for act super sexy.
I suppose I hadn’t realized what a huge issue it is. Thank you for the advice – I was surprised to get an answer so quickly! Hopefully my wonderful shy man and I can work through this together with both suggestions.
Always love what you have to say James, about relationships…this one is especially great!…so glad to have to have these behaviours to look for and be encouraged that relationship is going in right direction!