No, the title isn’t a typo.
It may seem counter intuitive, but some of the non-romantic things guys do signal that your relationship is actually moving forward. When he does one of the following three things, don’t discourage him.
What he does: Act protective of you.
You’re not helpless. 99% of the time you don’t need a protector. But there will still be moments when a guy goes out of his way to defend you. Sometimes it shows up in an annoying form, like trying to help you with something you’re pretty good at.
What it means: He’s invested in you.
You may not be a damsel in distress, but do you really want to stop him from playing the role of prince charming?
When he comes to your aid, he’s not making a statement about your ability to be self-sufficient. Instead, he’s doing it for the same reasons you’d go to bat for a friend. Because he cares.
What he does: Include you in his adventurous play.
You may not be into sports or the outdoorsy type. It’s entirely possible that you don’t care at all about hunting, fishing, football or Frisbee golf. And yet, he keeps trying to pull you in.
What it means: He wants to share the things he likes with you.
Think about the last time you experienced something that moved you. A book, a movie, or a conversation with a friend. You probably had the urge to share those positive feelings with someone else. He feels the same urge.
Okay, so you’re never going to live and breathe football. That’s fine. Still, make the effort to be open to the things he’s passionate about. He wouldn’t bother sharing them with you if your relationship weren’t headed in a good direction.
What he does: Stops trying to impress you.
When the two of you first met, he was all about putting his best foot forward. He was careful to avoid doing things that might put you off. His manners were impeccable. He’d watch whatever movie you picked, eat where you wanted, and plan elaborate, romantic dates. But as the relationship progressed, he stopped trying so hard.
What it means: He wants to build a genuine, lasting relationship.
No one can keep up the pressure of trying to impress all the time. It’s too much work. At some point, our comfort levels rise enough that we drop our guard. We let others see us for who we really are. Even the bad stuff.
This can be a good sign.
Instead of putting on a show, he’s letting you see who he really is. He’s being himself. You want to encourage that by letting him know you’re comfortable with him, too.
Sometimes non-romantic things mean your relationship is headed in the right direction. When you notice him doing these three things, don’t flip out. Instead, read between the lines.
When you see what he’s really telling you, you’ll want to encourage the occasional lack of romance. After all, it means he’s serious about you.
LOVE this. And it’s from a guy’s perspective, so I trust it to be a guy’s take. Thank you.
When I doubt (and you guys know we do…we “need” to hear the good things you think about us much more often than you typically say them), I try to make a list of the things he does that communicate he cares. It helps me see them and appreciate them and him…and it helps me when I again feel doubt. And keeps me from bugging him trying to get reassurance.
But it IS reassuring to hear that from a guy’s perspective, that some of the comfort level stuff is a good thing.
Ever since my boyfriend lost his dog got, hurt at work, had different health issues, etc. he’s gotten real depressed. He has been acting distant, rude, snappy, short. I have been one of his best friends for over 30 yrs and for the last few months I don’t know him. He ruined my New Year’s, almost ruined xmas and he even left me out of his birthday cause he was upset with me cause I got upset at him. It’s like he is someone else and I know he is not this person. I don’t know how to get through to him. He has never been this way. He still won’t open my birthday gift for him. I know he loves me, I just don’t know what to say.
Hey, Angelina. It may be that you cannot say anything that will improve the relationship because it sounds like his depressed mood is the thorn in your relationship rather than something you have or have not communicated. Are you close with people in his family or friend group he would listen to? Could you ask one of them to help him get mental health treatment so he can recover his former joy in life?
Always on your side,
James
Here I am sitting here with a bit of a odd twist in life. Met someone I’ve known about. Facebook thing. He was married I am older really past 60’s content but, lonely true. He’s a bit younger was married and his wife passed 2 years ago. We have always talked and even debated about things. He knows I am a writer. We recently began on phone to actually speak about ourselves. I am a cautious person. I know he is genuine had him send me a picture of his home life, family and friends and I did also. Checked on him he’s legit. Had to family insisted. Sorry. laughing. Thing is he has come to feel very close to me. I have to admit I too feel that way and a bit more. Just going slow. We are going to meet for a family gathering. Nervous about this. Should like to meet suggestions before gathering. Distance is about 8 hours his place to mine. That’s hard. He seems to have a protective and sincere, not too pushy but, open so hard to know? if we could actually find great companionship or blunder. A bit conflicted. Unsure because it’s been a long time and one marriage long term ended. Need advice.
Diane, as I read your comments I have two conflicting emotional reactions. The one is excitement about the journey you are on. The other is compassion for the nervous caution you currently feel.
Despite that compassion, I find myself chuckling a bit (easier to do when it’s someone else) because of just how little you have to fear right now. Essentially, at this stage of a relationship you have nothing to lose.
You think you do, and that makes you nervous. But if he turns out to be someone you just don’t connect with for any reason, then you really haven’t lost anything. You’ve just discovered the truth (that you’re not as compatible as it seemed over the phone).
One of the best ways to eliminate nervous feelings and bring out the best in ourselves for others to see is to repeatedly make the conscious choice to fully immerse yourself in the present moment. Guide your own mind by asking questions. Repeatedly ask yourself what is beautiful and enjoyable in this present moment, whether it’s the drive over to his place or a conversation with one of his friends or family, or just the mystery of the unknown as you look into his eyes for the first time.
In other words, control less. Don’t strive for control over his impression of you. Just strive to notice what is beautiful and good in each unfolding moment. This will bring out the beautiful side of you that others will be drawn to regardless of whether this relationship unfolds into something lasting and meaningful beyond the good interactions you’ve had thus far.
Always on your side,
James
All of your articles are so helpful! Your work has helped me in my current relationship and to keep a good person though he’s definitely out of my comfort zone…
I often felt his sensitivity and gestures seemed so odd. Now I understand it’s his expression of care and interest.
I appreciate you
I’m glad some of my insights have been helped you form the relationship you want, Patricia. Thank you for the kind feedback.
James
Very Helpful article James. ( non- romantic tendencies to encourage) Thank you so much. Gabriella is right. It is so helpful to see things from a mans perspective.
Hi James,
I was thrilled to read about these three clues…married 18 years, and let me tell you, lately was ready to chase my husband out of the kitchen. Out of nowhere he was trying to “help” me with cooking. What would you do without me?- he asked. I was shocked at first, because he always loved my food, but now I know what’s beyond his act! He got busted! ????Food and fashion is our passion and adventure together. Even after these many years, somehow besides the absolute comfort, still trying to impress each other (in an easy going, not in a trying hard way) and collect on compliments and credits on smallest things like selection of food, wine, recipes, restaurants or clothing.
Good to know that these signs can actually tell way more about men’s mindset, than just being there to annoy. Makes a big difference to see certain topics written by a man. Gives a window of opportunity to look at explanations of non verbal signs of men’s behavior, what us, women can easily misinterpret.
Thanks for sharing!
Hey Gabriella. I’m glad this article helped! And thank you for adding your story. It’s a great example.
Hi James,
Any advice to help my man who feels “inadequate in so many ways”? We met six months ago, he is very romantic, swept me off my feet. He was hurt in the past, has suffered emotionally, with losing a child, two failed marriages, five siblings…unbelievable heartache. He is such a good, hard working guy, I adore him. We met, instant chemistry, both wanting the same things…he kept saying “You deserve better ” “I don’t know what to do with you.” Telling his friends, “she’s too good to be true”. Finally I said he should should marry me…crazy? Surely out of my comfort zone but he happily said yes! We both wanted marriage and are over 55. He moved in with me, we bought a business from his son, established business, he does the physical labor, cleaning swimming pools, I am doing the bookkeeping. I invested the cash, we are partners. Basically he feels inadequate because he was struggling financially, I was retired with a decent income. I know he felt bad, he wanted to be the provider. At first our sex life was great, now he has little interest, says he has no answers, feels inadequate. I tell him how I am proud of the work he is doing, how I could never have bought a business alone. We are in this together. I just need advice on how to make him feel better about himself.
Thanks for any advice
T
Hi Tina,
Thank you for posting. This is the kind of question that requires a bit of back-and-forth dialogue. For questions like this please bring it up in our private forum http://beirresistible.com/members/irresistible-insiders-club/.
Best,
Tracey
Hey Tina. The sex drive a man experiences has far more to do with his own internal chemistry (hormonal responses), which are affected by a myriad of factors from the amount of saturated fat in his diet to the confidence he feels about the future. It’s surprising to many couples to learn that libido has less to do with a couple’s relationship and more to do with his own biology (at least for men).
For some women it helps just to realize this. It’s not you. You’re not doing anything wrong. He just has less libido right now. It may ebb and flow over periods of time. It sometimes helps to remove any pressure to have a “sex life” and instead just focus on enjoying what feels good at any given moment in time.
I read that with great interest but sadly it’s emotionally exhausting to be responsible for constantly propping up someone else’s confidence level he sounds like a guy who constantly needs reinforcement and not only is that draining it is not fair to expect that in a relationship I support you and you support me if you have someone constantly leaning on you You will begin to feel like an engine was no alternator a constant drain on your battery encouragement support and energy should flow from one person to the other and then back again kind of like an electrical circuit at some point in time he will be forced to say yes you’re right I do deserve better and I need you to be that man you may be surprised that he will step up and man up if not