As a relationship coach, I’ve spent a great deal of time trying to figure out what creates romance. Romantic gestures come in all shapes and sizes. Little things like a bouquet of flowers, and big things like a surprise proposal. But almost every romantic gesture I can think of has one thing in common.
They’re unexpected.
Spontaneity is what keeps the romance going strong. The question is how do you maintain spontaneity in your relationship? I’d like to suggest two things.
First, make it a point to do unexpected things for him. Guys don’t typically get excited about flowers and chocolates, so you may have to get creative here. Cook his favorite meal or take him to his favorite restaurant for dinner. Take him to watch the action flick you know he’s dying to see. If he’s a sports fan, tickets to see his favorite team are always a good call.
You don’t have to break the bank to pull this off. Maybe you can’t afford tickets to see his favorite team. Sporting events are pricey. But you could encourage him to have his friends over to watch the game and make sure he has a guilt-free afternoon of guy time.
My second suggestion isn’t all that different, but it’s just as powerful. Look for unexpected ways to communicate how you feel. I’m talking specifically about the words you choose.
Long-term couples say, “I love you” with so much frequency that it’s easy to forget how meaningful those words are. The phrase turns into a greeting and a goodbye. We’re almost on autopilot when we say it.
Instead of sticking to the tried and true, find new and different ways to tell him how much he means to you. Share a song with him that embodies your feelings. Tell him how you thought of him during the day. Tell him your life is better, fuller, and richer because he’s a part of it.
While I’d love just to give you a script to follow, that kind of defeats the purpose. You know your man, and you know yourself. Find unexpected ways to say “I love you” that fit both of you as a couple.
The key is being spontaneous enough to do or say things that are unexpected.
Granted, I’m hardly the first person to make this observation, but it’s one of those truths we need to be reminded of from time to time. It’s ridiculously easy to fall into habits and lose that sense of whimsy.
If you want him to really understand how you feel, make sure your actions and your words include unexpected romantic moments. In my experience, that’s one of the best ways to keep the passion alive and strong.
Hello James,
I love to spice things up. One day I went to his place of and marched into his office, said nothing and passionately kissed him then turned around and left with out one word spoken. Needless to say, when he got home that night we had an amazing night of love making 😏
Hi James
I have been doing these things you mentioned but sometimes it seems like not working… he’ll say there’s nothing I’m doing so far for the relationship.
I cook for him,give him gifts we sometimes go out and have fun, launder his clothes but I don’t know.
Hi, Mary. What do you want in this relationship? Are you willing to really go after the relationship you want? Does he know what you want?
Once you’re clear about what you want the relationship to be like and feel like, make sure he knows it too. Then the question becomes, “Does he want to co-create the same kind of relationship?”
Hi James, steven and I have been together for 1.5 years. We have exchanged commitment rings back in June. His sentiments were heartfelt and musical. Recently I’ve been feeling that urge to propose marriage to him. And I did last Saturday at my home, on the couch. Out of the blue and he was speechless initially and said yes! How’s that for unexpected?? He’s been married more than twice with poor outcomes. I chose to do us differently and shake things up, taking the traditional role into my hands and I know, he’s still stunned, but relieved.
Way to go, Jane! You took destiny into your own hands. Congratulations on your engagement!!! 🙂
I do often, he loves it. You are awesome thank you for all your advise. It works.
HI James, is it still possible to repair a dying relationship? Where it has come to the point that your partner text you a couple lines a day, hes doing it not because he wants to but because he has no choice i’m his gf so i give you a few lines just so I can’t say he didn’t text me. His replies are short and I’m getting annoyed. I told him about it but he say he doesn’t want to talk about it.
Hey Jen. I’m sorry to hear that things aren’t going well with him right now. To answer your question, yes. It’s always possible, even relationships that end completely sometimes spring back to life even years later. Relationships are like plants. They are always either growing or dying. They never just stay the same.
Sometimes, a low point is actually the stimulus for growth, toward a better way of relating to each other. Other times, it’s the beginning of a realization for one or both partners that it’s no longer meeting your needs or inspiring joy to stay together.
If I were your coach, I would recommend a lot less texting and more focus on face-to-face interaction right now. If you’d like support as you go through this, you might try speaking with our professional relationship coaches in the forum.
I have a question…. My boyfriend and I have been on a ” break ” for about four weeks. We’re praying for our relationship and guidance for the best choices for us. So, yesterday, I sent him a message asking him what I was really waiting for…. “where we stand” kinda question. A couple of hours later he responds with, ” I need time to sort of my emotions, we can talk tomorrow if you like. I had a rough day.” I send back ” I sure sorry to hear that. Its quite alright. I just need you help.” Is that right? And what if he doesn’t respond? whats the next move?
Hey, Lori. For individualized help with applying concepts from the course, please join our private forum.
It’s better to present a trigger for his hero instinct in isolation, rather than tagging it on to a complex interpersonal dynamic in which the two of you are sorting out the next steps for your relationship. But I think you’re on the right track. You may need to give him several doses in the form of opportunities to rise to the occasion and become the hero you want him to be in your life.
But…. how do I do that? How do I engage him? I’m understanding the concepts which I’m studying but I’m not actually sure how to apply it! Please help!
Lori
Thank you for ideas and insight into what keeps the momentum in a relationship. I really appreciate it! These ideas are so helpful.
You’re welcome, Maggie. Thank you for the encouragement.
James
My husband and I work completely different hours and don’t have a single day off in common. When I know I won’t be awake when he gets home, I try to leave oddball stuff on the front door for him. A handmade sign saying this is the world headquarters of his fan club, a funny cartoon, a note telling him there’s a treat in the microwave. He said he loves pulling up and seeing something hanging on the door!
You’re good at this, Cate!
Very helpful reminder . Thank you.
Thank you for having information to assist people that are experiencing difficult
times in their relationship.
Love this article….it is universal and true in so many circumstances.