Let’s talk about how to create love out of thin air.
I chose this title (The Act of Lovemaking) to remind you of something important. Love is something we make. It’s not something we find.
It’s completely understandable that you want someone who will cherish you and love you for who you are. I am 100% on board with that mission.
However, I also want to offer this caution. Do not make the mistake of searching for love the way some people search for meaning. You can search for meaning your whole life, and never find it, unless you get your hands dirty trying to help someone.
When you stop searching for meaning, and instead sink your teeth into trying to make a difference in someone’s life, meaning reveals itself to you. It reveals itself in that moment because you created it. The meaning was created by your choice, the choice you made when you decided to care.
You can spend your whole life reading philosophical books about meaning, endlessly debating the true purpose of your life. Yet a feeling of meaning and connection can only be found in your decisions to care about something.
If you want a meaningful life, you have to stop looking for it and start creating it instead.
It’s the same way with love.
Erich Fromm said, “Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love.” Just as the physical act of lovemaking is something you do, something creative, so the act of finding love is something you do. You choose to create it by choosing to love a person.
Having a crush on someone feels like something that happened to you, rather than something you created. That person suddenly seems very significant to you, and it feels as if love was created automatically.
But that’s just your biology helping you out. Your biology triggers a cascading fountain of psychological and biological desires, but it’s a short-lived spark that will soon die out. Unless you make the choice to love someone on purpose.
Most of you already know and understand what I am saying today. I am writing this as more than just a reminder though. I am writing to share a suggestion.
When you find a man you want to love, make sure he is on board with this concept of creating love on purpose.
Bring up conversations about relationships and love, and at some point, casually ask if he believes in the concept of creating love by choice. A man who rejects this idea is not a person I would recommend you pour your life into.
But if you see a sparkle in his eye when you ask the question, with interest and energy to pursue a conversation on this topic, I recommend you keep that man on your list of romantic interests.
James
I’m a nurse “ fixer” and am trying to set better boundaries. I’ve always been on my own and attract those who wind up needing money , a place to crash or sex on the side. Married twice, after years of emotional abuse I walked away broke and hurt. Is there more than just users out there?
James, you are certainly gifted in your understanding and your replies. I truly thank you for this education !!! I did not receive love from my mother or father, and now I have met a person who loves me for who I am, and I love him for who he is. I want this relationship to last so I am your faithful student to practice what you are so generously teaching.I plan to practice kindness and love under all circumstances, even when I know that I should keep my mouth shut if there is a serious misunderstanding. Thank you again. You are truly gifted !!!
I’m the same. Always feel used. I met someone online and we were due to meet but his mother ended up in hospital and he had to pay so that went out of the window. Now I think why do I bother. Everyone else comes before me and I’m fed up with it so I’m walking away. I would do the same if I were you ! Give yourself time to be you and not part of something that you don’t know if it makes sense or not !! Good luck
Maybe not but maybe. I’m a nurse and it’s the same way for me. They come when they want but leave when you need. It’s not like the times our grandparents had or those before them because they have created a since of the women are monstrous instead of treat them with honor. My opinion and I’m sticking to it but let’s face it. The whole community has allowed LGTBs and gender difference be the new way and not working on the men in general to try to develop them into kind and caring but devoted to their choice in their pick. It’s more like if you don’t know try this and that oh maybe this. It’s not devoted, focused or necessary to be with one but hey we made birth control so you can fool around and do lots of crazy things and no one will find out. We need to train all of us to be honest and self worthy. Plus, stick to our word or this nation will fall. God should be all of our first choice and everything will be added unto us. It’s the only way.
I have a question I need some advice on. I am an energetic 71 year old lost my husband 5 years ago and have been ready now to find someone to share my life with. I get along with all the men I have talked with, and they say I am easy to talk to, have a great sense of humor and want to meet me. My problem is that I have SMA and am in a scooter ( can’t amulate) but function in all other ways and am healthy. This scares them off. What advice is out there from anyone who has gone through something similar to help men understand there is value in a person like me. I look younger than I am also. Thanks.
I am 71 also. I have Parkinson’s and must use a cane to ambulate. Yes, it does scare some men off because I walk slowly and with difficulty. You and I can no longer do some of the things that we used to do…like dancing! I have finally found someone that my handicap is not an issue. You have “to kiss a few frogs” before you can find a man who is willing to accept you the way you are physically and stress the importance of the relationship and not about what you can and cannot do. A Senior Center is a perfect place to meet people. The seniors are much less likely to judge you. One of the biggest things you can do is exude the image of confidence even if you are not. Good luck to you and I will be thinking of you.
I truly enjoy your tips James. I have not been diligent in reading the book which includes the hero instinct but I’m now mitigated to go and do that. I too am looking for someone who really wants to create love because I do believe that it is action on both parties that will create that deep love
I am a former Nurse as well. I needed to look at what it is about me that believes I can only be with a man that needs “ fixing”. I got the answer. I was lonely and desperate. I thought if a man needed me he would not leave me. Part of it is codependent behaviors. Time for a new story of being with an “ equal”. I can receive love, kindness and respect. Connection and closeness. I must believe I am worthy of that
Well said… happiness is a choice, to love is a choice and the choices we make become our reality…
I love reading all of your advice. I was in, what I thought, was an amazing relationship with a man that ended recently. It seemed perfect in every way. Then I got a text from another woman that said he had been seeing her at the same time. Absolutely broke my heart. Needless to say, I kicked him to the curb. Its been 7 weeks ago now and he is trying to get back together. I wish I could but I can’t live with wondering if there is someone else. Any advice?
Please don’t get back together with him! If he was with someone else, it’s clear he didn’t value your relationship as much as you did, and you deserve more than being treated like a second option.
Unfortunately some men want what they cannot have. You are a challenge to him right now. Do not go back to him! If you do, he will be only revel in the conquest and pay himself on the back and feel that he has won. At that point he will lose interest and you will be left with a broken heart again. Stick in to your guns!
Find someone new you deserve better than to be a choice you deserve to be a priority
Anna, I was married to someone long ago who at first was crazy about me. We were in college and he seemed to love me until he didn’t. We’d break up and then he’d come back and I thought he’d go back to the way he was at first. I stupidly married him and (big surprise) he acted the same way. I eventually divorced him. That was many years ago. Still, a few years ago, he found me on FB and reached out. Same playbook. Unbelievable. Needless to say I blocked him after telling me off. I’ve read tons about narcissism and he fit that description. My advice is — go NO CONTACT. It works. Be strong.
Loving is definitely a choice for me. I practiced your Hero method, won back my man & we have chosen to love each other forever! He had to spend a year without me to realise himself how good we are together & even got engaged to someone else for 6 months during this time. We are now looking forward to being married & having each other’s back for the next 20 years ( we’re in our late 50’s)! I’m making sure that he knows he’s my hero everyday. Grateful.
What is the Hero method? How do I find out about it?
Hi Alean!
The Hero Instinct is a method that James Bauer teaches in his book His Secret Obsession. Learn more about the Hero Instinct.
Best wishes,
Tracey
The best thing I ever read if you want to be there for the long run
I would love to know more about the Hero method
Hi Nancy,
Thanks so much for your comment! The method you’re looking for is called the ‘Hero Instinct’ and you can find it in James Bauer’s book His Secret Obsession.
Wishing you all the best!
Tracey
I am a man but find it interesting to read your articles.
Thank you so much James for all of your wonderful advice it has been so helpful to me.
Extremely helpful thank you very much
James, I also got my man back thanks to you. You give great advice thank you
Woohoo! That’s great news!
After reading your article. I agree with you creating the love I want…. is better for me than to work it out on its own !!! Thank you James
You’re welcome, Vera. 🙂
What if there is that man who adores you but the chemistry is not there? The man that most people would really want to share their life with because he has it all a great job, well established, kind, trustworthy, good looking …. but there is no chemistry & I can not find the passion for sex like I have had with another man who doesn’t have half of these fine qualities. Do you keep trying & hope chemistry will come alive?
I don’t think it will.
I think you cant get everything so you have to decide whats most important. For instance you might not get a man who will talk extensively and also create intense chemistry. I think I’d give up some talking for the intensity and bonding that goes with it.
I listened to something so interesting from Marisa Peer – she said a partnership needs 3 things in order to have a good chance of success.
Sexual chemistry
Best Friend Chemistry
mutual respect and admiration
without one of those elements its tricky to have a relationship work long term.- i love that – its simple and easy to make sense of.
also love James emails – they are smart and soulful. i do NOT like a lot of the people that he introduces with their sneaky clickbank nonsense about 3 things to make him instantly fall in love with you forever etc etc. they actually really take away from your work James.
Thanks, Jeanne. That comment ads a lot of value. And I agree about the sponsors. I keep asking my team to search for better advertising partners.
I agree love is not just feelings but a choice expressed through actions from both the couple .It a journey together through ups and downs. Finding someone willing to commit themselves to work it is the problem…. I’m yet to find one….lol
Hi James thanks for the great article. I am one of the women who were looking for love but I never knew that you can create love by yours.
Thanks James really appreciate the article.
I’m glad you found that helpful, Monica.
Great reading. Sure would be nice to meet such a gentleman with such stated in your article, instead of waiting for it to come knocking on ones’ door. It would be like knock knock whos’ there and you keep waiting for that knock .
WOW…thank you James for this offer and I needed this information bad!! You are so kind in helping us women out….it is really hard these days to figure men out! May God bless you in all your endeavors….sincerely….
That makes so much sense to me. Waiting for love to find you is a waste of time. Agree to love and create it to fit both of ur needs and desires!
Finding purpose in life allows us to foster self love which then translates and generates into outward love for others. Too many people especially women who are by nature “naturing” give love to others and not themselves! They then expect a man or another woman to love them when they are not loving themselves . It just doesn’t add up naturally.
Yes, good point.
Hi James! I am a sr citizen who is in love but it is a long distance relationship. In the past year we have been together four times, with those times lasting from one to three weeks. We are both lonely. I am willing to sell and move. But he doesn’t think that is realistic. We are both in our 80’s and in good health. He is an engineer. Everything is black and white with no in between. Any suggestions?
Hi Margaret,
I think that it is wonderful that you are willing to move and spend the rest of your life with him. It is too bad that he does not feel the same way that you do. Maybe, you should consider looking for someone else closer to home, or someone who is ready, willing, and able to pick up and move and be with you. Not to stick up with him, but maybe he enjoys his freedom and doesn’t want the responsibility or full time intimacy that you want. Maybe you could suggest a “trial” period together, for a longer time, say, one or two months while you get a relative, friend, or house-sitter to watch your home while you are away.
If he doesn’t want to spend one, two, or three months with you, he probably enjoys his freedom and it wouldn’t work out in the long run. Good luck! I affirm that you will find the happiness of an intimate relationship that you so desire.
I really enjoyed this article. I am really seeking someone that wants to work at creating love.
James, I am a 70 year old female who is contemplating going forward with a relationship with a 50 year old and a celebrity at that. I’m quite an insecure person but have been married twice before. I’m looking for romance. Hopefully long term. My question is, what to do or how to keep romance going?
Sounds like fun, Rose! And maybe that’s the secret answer to your question. 🙂
Bring more attention to fully embracing what is beautiful right now in this relationship and you’ll end up creating the future you’re hoping for.
But if you try to work on the future of the relationship, you won’t show up with the same vibrant energy and openness that attracted him to you in the first place.
James
The advice you gave Rose is absolutely right on the money 💰! Men are attracted to the way we are before we have commitment on our minds. I think it’s an unintentional contest to who falls first. Much better if the guy falls first and we keep our heads. It’s our nature to start planning a future and then we are usually in for disappointment or heart ache. I’ve read all your books and I pretty much finally understand how men operate. You’re right about one thing James men really do want love. It’s just different in how it happens for them. I feel i always have to fight my instincts. Your books have made me more selective and I’m able to weed out the players. So thanks for your efforts, I’m a much more confident woman now that I’ve become a “no contact” expert. 🌺
When in doubt, flip a coin and you will know which way you want it to land.