Let’s talk about how to create love out of thin air.
I chose this title (The Act of Lovemaking) to remind you of something important. Love is something we make. It’s not something we find.
It’s completely understandable that you want someone who will cherish you and love you for who you are. I am 100% on board with that mission.
However, I also want to offer this caution. Do not make the mistake of searching for love the way some people search for meaning. You can search for meaning your whole life, and never find it, unless you get your hands dirty trying to help someone.
When you stop searching for meaning, and instead sink your teeth into trying to make a difference in someone’s life, meaning reveals itself to you. It reveals itself in that moment because you created it. The meaning was created by your choice, the choice you made when you decided to care.
You can spend your whole life reading philosophical books about meaning, endlessly debating the true purpose of your life. Yet a feeling of meaning and connection can only be found in your decisions to care about something.
If you want a meaningful life, you have to stop looking for it and start creating it instead.
It’s the same way with love.
Erich Fromm said, “Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love.” Just as the physical act of lovemaking is something you do, something creative, so the act of finding love is something you do. You choose to create it by choosing to love a person.
Having a crush on someone feels like something that happened to you, rather than something you created. That person suddenly seems very significant to you, and it feels as if love was created automatically.
But that’s just your biology helping you out. Your biology triggers a cascading fountain of psychological and biological desires, but it’s a short-lived spark that will soon die out. Unless you make the choice to love someone on purpose.
Most of you already know and understand what I am saying today. I am writing this as more than just a reminder though. I am writing to share a suggestion.
When you find a man you want to love, make sure he is on board with this concept of creating love on purpose.
Bring up conversations about relationships and love, and at some point, casually ask if he believes in the concept of creating love by choice. A man who rejects this idea is not a person I would recommend you pour your life into.
But if you see a sparkle in his eye when you ask the question, with interest and energy to pursue a conversation on this topic, I recommend you keep that man on your list of romantic interests.
James
I love reading all of your advice. I was in, what I thought, was an amazing relationship with a man that ended recently. It seemed perfect in every way. Then I got a text from another woman that said he had been seeing her at the same time. Absolutely broke my heart. Needless to say, I kicked him to the curb. Its been 7 weeks ago now and he is trying to get back together. I wish I could but I can’t live with wondering if there is someone else. Any advice?
Loving is definitely a choice for me. I practiced your Hero method, won back my man & we have chosen to love each other forever! He had to spend a year without me to realise himself how good we are together & even got engaged to someone else for 6 months during this time. We are now looking forward to being married & having each other’s back for the next 20 years ( we’re in our late 50’s)! I’m making sure that he knows he’s my hero everyday. Grateful.
What is the Hero method? How do I find out about it?
Hi Alean!
The Hero Instinct is a method that James Bauer teaches in his book His Secret Obsession. Learn more about the Hero Instinct.
Best wishes,
Tracey
I am a man but find it interesting to read your articles.
Thank you so much James for all of your wonderful advice it has been so helpful to me.
Extremely helpful thank you very much
James, I also got my man back thanks to you. You give great advice thank you
Woohoo! That’s great news!
After reading your article. I agree with you creating the love I want…. is better for me than to work it out on its own !!! Thank you James
You’re welcome, Vera. 🙂
What if there is that man who adores you but the chemistry is not there? The man that most people would really want to share their life with because he has it all a great job, well established, kind, trustworthy, good looking …. but there is no chemistry & I can not find the passion for sex like I have had with another man who doesn’t have half of these fine qualities. Do you keep trying & hope chemistry will come alive?
I don’t think it will.
I think you cant get everything so you have to decide whats most important. For instance you might not get a man who will talk extensively and also create intense chemistry. I think I’d give up some talking for the intensity and bonding that goes with it.
Hi James thanks for the great article. I am one of the women who were looking for love but I never knew that you can create love by yours.
Thanks James really appreciate the article.
I’m glad you found that helpful, Monica.
Great reading. Sure would be nice to meet such a gentleman with such stated in your article, instead of waiting for it to come knocking on ones’ door. It would be like knock knock whos’ there and you keep waiting for that knock .
WOW…thank you James for this offer and I needed this information bad!! You are so kind in helping us women out….it is really hard these days to figure men out! May God bless you in all your endeavors….sincerely….
That makes so much sense to me. Waiting for love to find you is a waste of time. Agree to love and create it to fit both of ur needs and desires!
Finding purpose in life allows us to foster self love which then translates and generates into outward love for others. Too many people especially women who are by nature “naturing” give love to others and not themselves! They then expect a man or another woman to love them when they are not loving themselves . It just doesn’t add up naturally.
Yes, good point.
Hi James! I am a sr citizen who is in love but it is a long distance relationship. In the past year we have been together four times, with those times lasting from one to three weeks. We are both lonely. I am willing to sell and move. But he doesn’t think that is realistic. We are both in our 80’s and in good health. He is an engineer. Everything is black and white with no in between. Any suggestions?
Hi Margaret,
I think that it is wonderful that you are willing to move and spend the rest of your life with him. It is too bad that he does not feel the same way that you do. Maybe, you should consider looking for someone else closer to home, or someone who is ready, willing, and able to pick up and move and be with you. Not to stick up with him, but maybe he enjoys his freedom and doesn’t want the responsibility or full time intimacy that you want. Maybe you could suggest a “trial” period together, for a longer time, say, one or two months while you get a relative, friend, or house-sitter to watch your home while you are away.
If he doesn’t want to spend one, two, or three months with you, he probably enjoys his freedom and it wouldn’t work out in the long run. Good luck! I affirm that you will find the happiness of an intimate relationship that you so desire.
I really enjoyed this article. I am really seeking someone that wants to work at creating love.
When in doubt, flip a coin and you will know which way you want it to land.