Men put up a tough exterior, but inside they crave affirmation of their manliness.
They crave respect.
Men feel so strongly about respect and disrespect that the absence of it can end a relationship.
Why have you never heard of this before?
It’s because of several reasons, but one reason is that the desire for respect is so deep that many men don’t even realize other people (women) don’t sense it.
You know how men can be so emotionally insensitive and act as if logic is the only thing that matters in an argument? It sometimes seems like men are emotional idiots.
Well it feels kind of like that for men when it comes to the respect issue. Although…it’s not quite like that because men just clam up and pull away instead of verbally expressing their exasperation.
Most men don’t realize you have to point out ways a woman has subtly shown disrespect. They just get angry and close down or pull away.
He assumes you did it because you don’t respect him. Your man will feel unloved by you when he doesn’t feel respected.
The respect issue is so powerful, I want to urge you to spend some time training your mind for greater awareness of the way it affects men.
This is my invitation to you. Use the training material I’ve put together for you on this topic. You can get a copy of my guide on this life-changing concept here.
Watch for my next post on the topic of affirmations and self-esteem. Do affirmations work? We’ll dive into that issue next.
James Bauer
James is spot on about the Respect principle . I am a female cop who has worked with the men for 34 years. What normal sane person would stand outside in subzero weather standing 4 hours at night outside a bar for a little extra money ? They love it when a drunken woman stumbles outside in a stupor and tells them how they respect them! Crazy! I also tried James’ Respect principle online dating profile. I added I am independent and respect a man’s freedom.Wow, what a difference in response!
Thanks!
Sometimes I’ll choose to do things my way verses his or not do it his way because I like doing things a traditional way, the way I’ve always done it. For example, I like to keep my agenda in my notes app but he says to put in a calendar so I would remember and see it; however, the way I do it I’ve always remembered my appointments and important events. I wasn’t very open to the idea and I attempted to give it a try and it wasn’t working for me. After he saw I wasn’t doing it his way I guess he took it as a sign of disrespect and he got mad and said I think he’s young and immature(He’s younger than I am).
How can I do things my way, but also allow him to be okay with it and not get mad or get offended by it?
That would be a great question to submit for private relationship coaching advice, Jasmine.
Teach me how to discilpline and manage my own life
Unfortunately, I did not know this about men when I was in a relationship. I was disrespecting him and never knew it or the impact it would have. I did notice he seemed angry often but he would just say he didn’t want to fight with me. We started having mini breakups for a month at a time and then it finally ended where he didn’t want to get back together but remain friends. I just wish I had known what was going on. I don’t know that it is fair though of a man to not tell you what is going on. If he had explained to me some things I would have gladly tried to change my behavior cause it was never my intention to disrespect him. How can you know what you don’t know!! Thanks for the insight. Too late for my relationship but I hope to bring this knowledge with me from now on.
Hi James and all posters n readers! I recently came to James Bauer’s site and wonderful emails and tips on dating men and the Respect Principle. I had been single for 2 yrs after being split from my husband for 7 yrs. Like many of you I was about to give up all hope on ever having a meaningful relationship and finding true love. I haven’t found it yet but have started dating a few men. I feel guilty about it as I was always taught to only go with one man at a time or be considered a slut. But that hasn’t worked for me in the past as I’ve put all my eggs into the wrong basket not searching out the right basket for me! I’ve been implementing James’s techniques and am very pleasantly surprised to say its been raining Men for me lately and I finally have the option to CHOOSE the correct man! I’m in early stages with all of them so nothing serious yet which is good as I want to really get to kniw them before I make my decision! Just wanted to share and say thank you James your information is PRICELESS!
Great work, Melissa! It’s difficult to try something new. It always feels like a risk. I’m glad you’re receiving some payoff for your courage.
James
Good for you, Melissa! I get your concern on the stigma of that title, but not only is it so far removed from accurate in your situation, I have to say I never understood what was wrong with being a “slut” anyhow. I mean, so what? If somebody likes sex and is respectful to her/his partners in it and uses protection, I really don’t get what’s wrong with it. They’re still a person and can be an amazing one, even if they like the “forbidden” sex. I say just enjoy yourself and not worry about titles, as long as you’re being fair to whomever you get involved with…AND yourself!
I agree a man must also respect a woman. I got very close to a man and he was chatting to other woman so I started chatting to other men and this is openly on google+ ie commenting on my page. He started avoiding me and stopped messaging me. Why do men think it is good for the gander but not good for the
goose? I must admit it infuriates me when they dont talk and tell you what is wrong – sometimes you dont know what you have done. A man always says if you want us to do something then ask dont expect us to guess. So how about a bit of that in return.
I’m female and respect is very important to me. While we should respect everyone regardless of gender, there are times when respect has to earned as well. The number one attribute I look for in a man is integrity because this covers so many things including respect.
Yeah. Integrity is a very good place to start when making a list of important qualities to look for in a man.
I’m really into a man I’ve only been on a couple dates with. He’s text me everyday but once for the past 2 months. I try to resist replying to every text he sends, but sometimes I know I overdo it. He’s looking for a long term serious relationship, but is still using a dating website we met on. He says we need to know each other better before any title of “girlfriend/boyfriend” comes into play. I see his point, but we’ve been communcating daily (he usually sends the first message eeryday) so I feel like we know each other pretty well. I know he’s talking to at least a few other people on te dating website. I realize guys worry about picking the wrong partner, but should I be concerned about his use of the dating site or just relax and let him do whatever he needs to do?
At this early stage in the relationship, he is doing what I would recommend (for both men and women). Get to know lots of people and don’t put all your eggs in one basket until the relationship has matured a little bit. Be 100% honest with everyone you interact with about that so they can decide for themselves if that is okay.
It seems he has respected you and continued to pursue you while learning about himself and other women through the open dating phase of the relationship. Hopefully it will evolve toward an exclusive relationship soon, but no, it’s not something to worry about right now.
James
hi James
I real enjoy your training and I agree with you.Men should also respect us women.
God bless your and give you more life
Hi James, thanks for this wonderful material you have created! I am certainly becoming more sensitised to men’s inner worlds as I am going through your training materials (just purchased).
I had a question related to my relationship and was wondering if you could share your perspective on this?
We were not officially in a relationship. It was a business relationship that turned personal. Due to that, there were some complications on the work front.
When we had our last conversation (and it was nasty!), he told me that I didn’t value work. This is definitely not the case, but I could see he was upset that I had not just gone along with every plan of his the way he wanted.
I feel I lost respect in his eyes. And, fact be told, I am not able to digest this. I want him to once again value me as a competent worker in her own right and not just as the fantasy of his wet dreams… because, ultimately, we are never going to be man and wife (for a variety of reasons). But, I want my due respect where it is due.
I am no longer working with him, but there is a chance I might. I don’t want him to approach future projects with a sense of lack of faith in my abilities.
I would truly be grateful to know your thoughts on my situation. It would really help me understand my position in it better.
And, yes, I am learning my lessons about mixing business with pleasure…
Many thanks in advance for any guidance!
Hi Green Sea. People often say things they know will sting when angry. Often, these things are chosen because they hurt, not because they are true. My guess is he has not lost faith your competence as much as he implied. If you believe he has, you have not stated any reasons that he might lose respect other than his own egocentrism (believing others must see it his way or they are wrong). If there are things that you disagreed on, you stood your ground, which demands a certain kind of respect (a good kind).
James
Thank you! This is helpful.
I have known from the beginning the qualities and attributes I most value in a man (and it has changed a little over the years as I am now 76). I met my current boyfriend last December after conversing online just a bit and exchanging photos. The most important things to me (other than physical compatibility) are honesty and knowledge of fixing things. As a former engineer, I could not respect a man who knew less about home systems than I. Our first conversation in person, in a mall went on over 2 hours and by then I was thinking that I wanted this man (we had discussed other things online) and when we kissed in the parking lot as we returned to our cars, I was convinced and overwhelmed. Things are going very well and we spend every Saturday/Sunday together and have now started (about 6 weeks ago) to have square dance lessons every Tuesday. He already dances, so it is for me to learn the steps, and he has bought a couple of outfits for me that match his shirts, and I bought my petticoats. I’m going that to join him and he is joining my group of re-enactors.
I believe that he knows I respect him, because I ask his advice on things and his help when I know he can provide it (I had a piece of lapis and a pair of gold earrings that had lost 1 of the cabuchons; he cut another from my stone). I also had him look over the contract with my realtor (I’m moving out to his area, not only because of him, but the hobby clubs that I’ll be able to join as well). Acknowledging his law degree and knowledge of contracts is just another way of showing my respect. He also accompanied me as I looked at some of the houses I selected on Zillow with the realtor. And I never forget to thank him for his help. We both cook together more or less on the days we’re together but one takes the lead by turns, so I am sure to express my appreciation of that as well. He does too, expressing admiration for some embroidery on a square dance shirt to better match my outfit. I think those are all valid examples.
I know what you’re talking about. When I lost respect for my husband because of his drinking and depression, I had to leave. I am much happier on my own than being with a man I don’t respect.
I’ve totally just fallen into this. My guy of 9 months has cut contact after a fit of rage (non-violent) for a tiny thing. When I think back over the weekend we had spent together I realize I disrespected him several times. (as well as making a joke about him being sterile, and letting him know I earn three times as much as him). I don’t know why I did that and really regret. Is there any hope? I’ve sent an email apologizing and saying I respect him. No response. Help!
That will take some time to recover from. Words won’t be able to easily or quickly undo the effect. Give him time to digest the apology and let your communication be steadily respectful (more so than apologetic) whenever you send him a message.
My suggestion is to tell him that you do respect him, that you recognize you need to learn what disrespect looks like to him and how to express respect in a way meaningful to him, and ask him to help you. Apologizing helps. Asking that you and he work together, that he help you, shows respect and gives him positive actions that express his values. Of course one of those values is being of service to those important to him.
As a man I would like to offer the following about respect. I have been exploring my own inner world for several years hoping to identify the inner motivations that fuel my responses. I feel alive by taking actions that express my inner values. The more inner values an action supports the more alive I feel. When I experience the person I am with traveling along side me their presence helps me feel more alive, more able to relax and express my values. When the person I am with interferes with my actions/movement I experience being stifled by my own conflicting values. When I experience respect I feel supported, valued, and alive. When I experience disrespect I experience blockages, internal conflict, slow death. What will cause me to experience respect or disrespect is a question I am exploring now.
Wow, Colm. What a clear explanation and picture into the male psyche. Thank you for posting that. Can’t wait to hear what you discover with the respect aspect.
But women also want respect. We just don’t react by pushing men away (how disrespectful is that!!!). Maybe because we’re more aware of our feelings and able to articulate them, even though respect (like trust) is not something you can ask for. It has to be earned.
I agree. And the first person you have to earn that respect from is yourself! Then it’s easier to openly respect others.
I have no idea what you’re talking about. I can’t even figure out WHERE to start looking for these men that you are talking about – and I’m 43 years old! All I keep finding are the mama’s boys, the drug users, the stalkers and the Howard Wallowitzes of the world. No offense, but some of those guys I don’t respect and couldn’t fake respect no matter what I tried.
It certainly can be frustrating, Mary. I wish it was easier to find the right person. I cover some very specific ways of finding people who are likely to be a better match in my WMSW training course. I hope you’ll check out the course rather than giving up on finding someone worthy.
“his perception of what you believe about his “status” among men in particular”
OMG this is SO true. My ex hated that I had friends whose husbands made substantially more money than he did. He thought I was judging him by that standard, where in truth I really didn’t care as long as he treated me with respect. When that stopped it all fell apart, but much of it stemmed from this “what he thought I thought of him” in terms of our social circle’s hierarchy. And he could never see that it was his own issue of insecurity and not mine. Ugh!
i strongly agree with you…..
so thank you very much to make realize it before things getting worst.
i am really enjoying your training. May God bless your work…
I am not so clear about the “respect” concept. I feel men are in need of feeling valued, feeling they are needed, they have a role, they are efficient, they are helpful. Is it what you mean by “feeling respected”?
I wish it really was that simple. For men it is not. It has much more to do with his perception of what you believe about his “status” among men in particular and people in general to a lesser extent. It also has to do with the nature of your particular interpersonal dynamic with him. Check out this link if you want to really dive into the respect principle and understand it completely.
Got a new address.
So, now may get to read these interesting insights.
My last guy ( for 6 yrs) was the ultimate challenge.
A confirmed Bachelor/ Player. I was really taken in,
until I talked to one of his “others”. aaargh!