Men put up a tough exterior, but inside they crave affirmation of their manliness.
They crave respect.
Men feel so strongly about respect and disrespect that the absence of it can end a relationship.
Why have you never heard of this before?
It’s because of several reasons, but one reason is that the desire for respect is so deep that many men don’t even realize other people (women) don’t sense it.
You know how men can be so emotionally insensitive and act as if logic is the only thing that matters in an argument? It sometimes seems like men are emotional idiots.
Well it feels kind of like that for men when it comes to the respect issue. Although…it’s not quite like that because men just clam up and pull away instead of verbally expressing their exasperation.
Most men don’t realize you have to point out ways a woman has subtly shown disrespect. They just get angry and close down or pull away.
He assumes you did it because you don’t respect him. Your man will feel unloved by you when he doesn’t feel respected.
The respect issue is so powerful, I want to urge you to spend some time training your mind for greater awareness of the way it affects men.
This is my invitation to you. Use the training material I’ve put together for you on this topic. You can get a copy of my guide on this life-changing concept here.
Watch for my next post on the topic of affirmations and self-esteem. Do affirmations work? We’ll dive into that issue next.
James Bauer
This!!!! The one thing you didn’t mention in the article is that the ways in which a man feels respected by his partner often look very different than how even a good intentioned, “respectful” woman would naturally show respect. We women often will show respect in the ways would feel respected by another and it will very likely miss the mark for men causing major breakdown if they aren’t able to sort it out together and realize that it’s a misunderstanding/ miscommunication and not an actual lack of respect🙂 I would love if you could possibly expand on this topic… As a man you could maybe define respect as you feel it and/or I’m curious if that misunderstanding has been something you’ve witnessed with couples?! I love love your articles and the quick tips I continually gain valuable ideas and skills from your info. I was raised in the generation brainwashed (IMO) by feminism, while of course I believe in equality for all humans…. Men and women are different and It’s okay and actually fun to be a woman, it’s a gift and I didn’t have to be in my masculine, angry trying to prove I can do it ALL looks have babies, as the message i was raised with! So I am having fun recreating myself, my life, the way I show up in relationships and I’m collecting the things that work for me from all over and your stuff happens to be right up there with some of my favorites🩵
Respect goes both ways. If your man respects you, he deserves respect also. This is just a reasonable way to act toward other people. Male or female. Our world would be much better off if we all respected each other and thought about others more. We need to be more aware about how we unknowingly hurt others and make changes. We will be happier and more loveable as well.
Ok I’m going out on a limb here and just gonna say what I have going on… I love my boyfriend more than I have ever loved any man from my past.. I kno he loves me too but recently he has started working out of state during the week for his job and comes home on the weekends. Two weeks ago I sensed a change in his demeanor towards me he seemed distant and preoccupied on his phone… a lot! Well one night we had been spending a night drinking together and he fell asleep with his phone unlocked and my curiosity got the best of me so I opened his messages and saw that he had been talking to a girl he had met online they were having conversations on a level I have only ever wished for between he and I and he had been sending pictures of himself naked and she the same to him. He never met this woman I read there messages they only talked about hopefully meeting each other one day. That was early Sunday morning I found there messages and confronted him only to get treated like I had been the one to invade his privacy and got treated as if I was in his way and always in his business questioning him and his every move which was not true at all. After he calmed down we had a calm conversation about it. He promised he wouldn’t speak to her again and that he was sorry. When he left Monday morning to go out of town he reassured me we were fine again. When he returned home Tuesday night for a couple days in town bc he had appointments. And Tuesday was our 2 year anniversary of being together. He got home that night and his demeanor had returned that made me question his actions in the first place. He was messaging someone and decided to shower he laid his phone down again thinking it locked and it didn’t as he showered I looked in his phone again and saw that he had not only reinserted her back into his contacts but they were again sending pictures and talking about sexual conversations that only he and I should share. I confronted him calmly he denied it at first but I repeated a message she had sent about pleasuring herself to the thought of him and at that point he knew that I knew the truth. I calmly told him I deserved better that we couldn’t go on like this that I was too loyal and honest and good to him to deserve a second slap in my face with the same woman. We both went to bed and I calmly got up the next morning making arrangements to move yo my mothers but calmly told him that this time I would cut him out of my life no communication ever again so that I could move on and try to find peace in my life, and if he was sure he was ready to loose me forever then he needed to be honest and just end things. He left for his appt and returned home to tell mw he was sorry and that he didn’t want me going anywhere that he couldn’t let us end like that. So far he has been treating me as if I’m the only one and he has gotten better about messaging me and calling me at night before we go to bed and he has been coming home on the weekends and not trying to make excuses to stay out of town. When he’s home he spends quality time with me and includes me in whatever he’s doing. I worry that this is only temporary and he will return to his secret behavior after the storm passes and things calm. How do I gain his full attention and have a fair chance to win his heart and attention the way I deserve.
As a woman, it’s really hard to conceive of what respect looks like to a man. Yeah, not calling him names or scolding, etc, is obvious. But real, deep respect can be really vague and hard to know for me. Will you speak to that, James?
I love love love your insights James. And your books and the insiders club 🙂
I just had a comment… I bought so many of your books and have done years of family counseling myself as a therapist, have participated in marriage counseling with my partner, and done many studies on marriage (love and respect, Her needs His needs, and other books and courses in my church).
At the end of my 12 years of marriage he ended up saying he did not love me anymore.
I have to say I really did try them evern the respect challenge, I did and still admire him, texted him to say how amazing I think he is, and did so much to save the relationship. Our marriage counselor initially said we had a huge chance of success. After a year he told me “sorry there is nothing I can do” … he said it himself he “stopped trying a while ago”.
He started hurting me physically and shouting at me. We have children together and believe we could do so well together as I think he is an amazing man… so I really wanted to try.
Yet he constantly felt criticized and pressured…
As an example he bought a Fitbit for himself and did not tell me (I think he feared I would not be happy.) On the contrary it made me happy he was thinking of himself (he doesn’t really do it and then ended up angry).
I understand that the respect principle is huge for a man. I also know from experience though that some men have certain issues that are not related to us, their women… and sadly as much as we want to love and respect someone, some people are just not ready to receive that.
I am in a new relationship now… I use the respect principle and my special someone is so amazingly drawn to me and we connect so well. He is able to accept my admiration and devotion for him and gives me back the same. I love being with him and feel so very connected.
Just to say that sometimes people’s issues are not for us to resolve… we can try and give our best but it is also up to the other to accept the love and admiration we want to provide for them.
Your daily advise helps me so much and I share it with many friends.
Thanks so much and keep up empowering women the way you do. It’s certainly made a big impact for me 🙂
Maria, it is certainly a pleasure to have someone like you as a subscriber and participant here. Comments like these provide me with so much encouragement, and I value them more than you may know.
Thank you for the work you do to help others, and thank you for sharing the good news about the beautiful relationship you have created with your partner.
James
I have been involved with a man for 5 years. In the beginning of our relationship everything was great. We would go out on his motorcycle every weekend and have date nights. Our sex life was above average. He bought a house 3 years ago and ever since then our relationship has suffered. He seems to be married to the house and not so much into our relationship. We have been fighting over the most insignificant things that would not have bothered us before until the house. Is there something that I am missing? Or doing that I can help with the relationship?
Hi Kathy. That’s an interesting insight you’ve had about the house and how it seems to have absorbed his energy and attention.
Have you read Module 4 in my relationship course, His Secret Obsession?
The key lesson there is “Don’t try to get him to love you.
Fascinate him instead.” If you go through that module I think you’ll find the answer you’re looking for.
If his “mission” has become the house, it’s time to shift that desire (to be on a mission) toward the relationship he shares with you. It needs more TLC than the house. We just need to help him reorient his focus toward that far more important mission.
James
I ended up having an emotional romance with someone by accident – we got together as friends – but nothing physical happened, though we both wanted it, because we were both in relationships. He went off to the military, and kind of absorbed himself in his gf. And at a really hard time in my life, after not hearing from him, he contacted me. It had been a while and I was irritated and told him off. A few months later I thought about it and contacted him via Facebook (realizing he’d contacted me when he broke up with his gf). He was friendly, but we really don’t talk at all, and he’s openly making plans with another girl. I want him to be happy, but I also want to be fair to myself and deal with this in the best way I can, but it tears me up seeing him talking to someone else. There are a lot of things we didn’t say, and it’s kind of uncomfortable. I’d just unfriend him, but I’d rather say something before I did, and I’m not sure that bailing is really the right thing anyhow. I just want to deal with this in the right way. And I also still have my boyfriend. I know it’s not fair, and I’d never cheat, but I’m really struggling with this and feel like I’m going to explode all the time.
i think she loved him and he too has some feeling about her even if it looked fairly relationship like and some how like a close or leisure playmate i define my way.But people need to know that and need to be careful too and define things differently like what is a relationship or what is a friendship with many reason to give before they get hurt or before they cause much trouble and again people also need to understand that my deep feeling to her and his deep feelings to her they are differently expressed to someone.He ended up breaking up with her because of the same secretly lover he loved very much without making up any serious arrangement,but he just went to push her while holding a gun with some one in his mind .And has come back to do also something which is very annoying, after going a long journey without being faithfully openly.He need to be open to her about his feeling and she too need to be fair with mind choice opinion so that she can be cool with who to be on her right hand but not a secrete self heart focus.
Hi Lucy,
It seems to me that you are still interested in him… I guess I have a question about why you think it is ok for you to have your bf but not ok for him to have a gf? With him you are sending him the message you are happy as you are…
I think you’d should think about if the relationship you are in is really fulfilling for you. If yes, that’s great. If not, I would clear that first and then contact this man you seem to have an interest in.
That’s my humble opinion.
Wish you the best.
Hi James, kindly help…..am already planning to pay for the full course coz i desperately need it…just waiting to get the cash. But most urgently I need help. I am married for close to four years but i have frequently bumped on my childhood crush who proposed twice before i got married but for various reason i never gave him a chance. I deeply love him and every time we meet i go crazy and start texting all that is in my heart for him but he is really cold on me. i once deleted his number and kept out of touch until we bumped on each other again last december. since that day i have chatted him daily but he just gives me one word replies and says that i should remember we both have families now. I married my husband coz while we’re dating he got a major physical chalenge and had to support him but not coz i deeply loved him. I know this other guy was and is the love of my life though we never dated but he clearly told me that his plan was to marry me but i still went ahead and married someone else. His career made our communication difficult but whenever he was back we could meet . He got two sons with his ex. The problem is i can’t stop thinking about him and i can’t stop loving him now. kindly advise
I understand why you feel regret. I understand why you wish you could go back in time and make a different set of choices.
But there’s a powerful truth I want to remind you of. The only decisions that matter now are the ones you make in the present moment.
Sometimes, our judgment is clouded as we imagine “what if” scenarios from times distant past. We must let go of the past so we can live fully in the now. Your life energy is tied up in a relationship that is no longer viable because of the decisions you both made to invest in other people.
Continuing to chase after that relationship will only bring heartache. It will sap your life energy.
It may help if you go through my minicourse on what to do when your heart loves a person who just isn’t right for you.
In this case, it seems there are two reasons he’s not right for you. The first is that he has sealed off his heart to prevent himself from being hurt by you again. The second is that you have both made commitments to other people. Do not undervalue those commitments. There may yet be something beautiful to discover there.
Amo a un hombre …pero creo..que de la manera incorrecta he sido irrespetuosa tal vez, es la manera que aprendĂ …para defenderme de los hombres que dañaron mi vida… quizás… deba rendirme ya que el es un hombre importante y de otra cultura..en mi paĂs..SudamĂ©rica..nos enseñan que la mujer es la que manda..y toma decisiones …en lo personal entiendo que esto es totalmente disfuncional..que lleva a una tasa de divorcios muy alta, en paĂs …y los hombres no les importa perder su autoridad como leales compañeros… dañando mucho los sentimientos de una mujer..
Please help. My boyfriend of 10 years broke up with me about a month ago, after we had been fighting off and on for awhile. At first he said he didn’t love me and he was “done”, then the next day he said he really did love me but he was still “done” with the relationship and he was “broken” from fighting and confused. We have met a few times to discuss trivial things involving the split, but rarely about his feelings or reasons and then only short one word answers. He was texting and calling me frequently, but now he will go 3-6 days with nothing, he is acting very cold and distant, and reverting to the same party behavior he had before we met 10 years ago. I lam destroyed inside, I’ve lost the love of my life. What can I do to get him to see that I love and value him, and for him to come back? Please help
Hi Arin. What is the one activity the two of you both enjoyed most as a couple? Any chance that he might accept an invitation to join you in that activity? Frame the invitation to include a sort of “requirement” that both of you agree not to discuss the relationship problems but rather just have fun together. If he’s in “party mode” this might sound good to him. It’s not a fix, but it’s a start.
James
I just have to say something I wish someone would’ve said to me, and that’s that you don’t know who “the love of your life” is until you’re on your deathbed. There is ALWAYS another person! I wasted so much time with the wrong guy, and pining over him thinking there would never be another, because I didn’t know that.
Sure, work on this relationship as long as you feel it has a chance, but if it doesn’t, DON’T let that happen to you!
Please, please ,please help me. I am in need of your help to save my marriage. I am a housewife of 19yrs and I am crazy in love with my husband but I don’t even arouse him any more. I don’t have the money to pay you for your “secret signals” so I guess that this is it for us. I would love to pay for your help hell I would pay any amount to save my marriage anything. He is literally my whole world. Desperately seeking solutions please
Cindy L.
Hi Cindy. You mentioned a lack of physical arousal, but is his heart still in the marriage despite his waning libido?
Some men experience a dramatic decline in libido as testosterone drops in middle age. Believe it or not, sexual desire has more to do with his own internal chemistry than it does with a person’s partner. Though one exception is porn, where the exposure to material can erode arousal in real life sexual encounters due to the brain’s natural habituation. Is he seeking sexual stimulation outside your relationship (e.g., other people or porn)?
James
Hi James, I was married for 28 years. We just seperated due to several reasons but the most important reason is that I didn’t give him the respect that he deserved over the years. I didn’t make him the most important person in my life. Now that I am aware of this I would like desperately to work on this to get him back. He told me that he doesn’t love me anymore. I wish that he would give me one more chance. But in my heart I know that it’s too late.
Do you believe him? Or is there something that tells you he has not completely shut you out of his heart?
Hi James, He told me flat out that he doesn’t feel that way about me anymore although he hasn’t completely left me helping me with the bills and things around the house that needs doing. I know that he has feelings for me but not the same intense love that he used to have for me. I am trying to show him that my eyes are open and that I am willing to work on this marriage by putting him first and being in the present with him. I am trying not to be clingy or over the top but acting like myself but more aware of what I say and how I act towards him to show him respect and appreciation.
Cathy
It sounds like you are doing the right things now, Cathy. Now time is your ally. The longer he has to heal (while still having you in his life) the better. Time will be needed for him to realize it’s okay to trust his heart to you.
Hi James I find your information really interesting and helpful. I;ve been experiencing emotional trauma recently due to my husband of 22 years showing a high interest in a younger female work colleague to the point where he was sending her naughty texts and sharing lunch dates with her. They flirt with each other and even though she’s in a relationship herself it doesn’t seem to stop her flirting with other men. He’s assured me there is nothing in it only that he gets on well with this girl and he likes the attention. I think its because he will be 50 soon and he is seeking to feel desirable to younger women. Would you recommend the Bonding Code as a way of working on things with my man? I love him very much and don’t want to lose him. Feeling vulnerable and scared. Thanking you for any advice.
Caroline, I recommend you seek private consultation on this question (and maybe also consider a few sessions with a marriage counselor). Some boundaries need to be set to protect your marriage. Click here to ask one of our relationship coaches about your situation.
I have being seeing this guy for three years now this January
We have taken many vacation together , evert time we go time somewhere special ! He would say my ex love this he even call me by her name ! I can’t get him to stop . Then he too a vacation with her without telling me first . I found out the day of the trip ! He said its nothing but to me I think there is something there ! When ever I talk to him about he get offensive . They have no children or I would say the kids comes first
Am thinking of ending it for this woman don’t want us to be happy
Please help
It sounds horrible that he didn’t tell you ahead of time he was taking a vacation with her. Wow! That’s a big deal anyhow, but he should’ve told you. I don’t care if he comes up with something like, “but if I told you you would’ve been mad, like you are now.” I find it very disrespectful! You should be the one who’s feelings he’s trying to preserve, not avoid. You should be the one he goes out of his way to tell you things, and to spend time with. Friends is one thing, but going on a vacation is an odd thing to do.
I’ve taken a few vacations with other men when I was in a relationship, but I told my bf ahead of time. Not only that, but there were genuine reasons I went on those vacations with those other guys, it was because they were work related – helping to generate more work for both of is, events and things. And I was completely faithful, and my bf trusted me. Your situation is much different!
And your bf’s also being insensitive by getting offensive when you bring it up. I would have a hard time being with this man again if I were you.
I respected my ex. Even allowed him to use me after we broke up. ( nothing like your thinking). I respect myself to much to be friends with benefits. But even after he cheated on me I tried to show him respect and compassion. Knowing that I allowed him to get away with hurting me only made him disrespect me even more. Now he doesn’t even acknowledge the child we had together. I’m in therapy for the mental and emotional abuse. He always made everything my fault and blamed me for everything.
Oh, Donna, I feel for you! I think there is a line where standing up for your principles and respect for another shouldn’t cross. It’s hard to recognize it, AND act on it, but you must respect yourself and stick to what that means to you by not allowing another to go against what that is for you. Once you define that for yourself and begin acting on it, even if you need to take baby steps in the beginning, do so. Just keep working towards better, telling yourself you ARE getting better, and that you’re enough. You deserve to be respected and loved, and are fully capable of receiving it! You are enough, and it’s OK if someone rejects you.
It’ helped me to learn I’m responsible for my own feelings, my own happiness. Nobody else can give that to me or take it away once I learned that. And it gave me great power in my life and relationships, and power in a good way. I don’t mean power over others, just power in making my life better and handling difficult situations better.
You are enough! It’s OK if someone rejects you. And you are in charge of your own happiness. If something happens to change the last one, ask yourself what you can do to change that, make it better now, and what you could’ve done to prevent that, or amend it.
I wish you the best!