When I was in high school, there was a girl named Stephanie who had it all. She was tall with a pretty face and a nice figure.
Her dad was one of the richest guys in town and gave her the choice of any brand-new car she wanted for her sixteenth birthday. Nearly all the popular guys in our school stood in line for their turn to date her.
I did not stand in line.
If you asked me if she was an attractive person, I would have said “yes” without a second thought. However, I was not attracted to the idea of myself in her presence. She was taller than me by a good inch. She wore clothes that made mine look shabby.
And the worst thing was her silly way of interacting with people. I was very serious during my high school years, and I took pride in the accomplishments I was already pursuing at that early age.
Stephanie liked to engage people with as much silly banter as she could. It’s not that I couldn’t see the value of that playful style of interaction; it’s just that it didn’t play to my strong suit.
I could imagine myself feeling awkward and unlikable compared to her when trying to interact with her friends. In contrast, my friends looked up to me for my tendency to deeply consider questions before responding. I had my silly side too, but I wouldn’t want to be that version of myself twenty-four-seven.
Here’s what I’m getting at…
When I am attracted to you, it means I want more of you in my life. Even beyond that though, attraction means I enjoy being me when I am in your presence.
I don’t know if you have noticed this, but you change depending on who you are spending time with.
Some people draw out one facet of your personality while other people pull for another facet of your personality. Like a diamond with many facets carved into the stone, the light you reflect back at others changes depending on your surroundings.
“Some people are so much sunshine per square inch.” That’s a quote from Walt Whitman. His statement captures so much truth. I personally like myself better when I am in the company of people who have that special “sunshine” quality.
The sunshine quality is very different than the silly quality. You can be reserved in your demeanor yet beaming with sunshine as someone approaches you to strike up a conversation.
It’s not that I like a sunny kind of person more than I like a sad person. I love them both; but I like myself better when I spend time with a woman who has that special sort of “sunshine” quality.
“Live life as a monument to your soul.”
Ayn Rand
Here’s the number-one reason why I think you should consider how a potential partner brings out various facets of your own personality. My reasoning is reflected in the quote above. I want my soul to shine as I live my life. Therefore, I want to choose a partner who will help my soul to genuinely shine.
Does this make sense to you? Do you only look at the qualities and characteristics of a potential partner, or do you consider how they magnify or dull the radiance of your own best qualities?
Always on your side,
James
I met a man at work that ignited a spark in me. He told me so many beautiful things that I haven’t heard from my current relationship in the past 7+ years.
The night this man finally came over to my house, was the night that we were going to do everything we had talked about. It started out hot and heavy & we got very intimate, but unfortunately I drank too much and got tipsy. I keep second guessing myself and wonder what I said or did wrong. As he was leaving, I didn’t want to let him go, literally. A couple hours later I text him telling him how sorry I was for ruining everything & asking him to forgive me. He hasn’t responded or talked to me at work. It’s been over 3 weeks. My heart is broken because I feel & believe this man is good and wants to be with me for who I am. How do I ask for a do over without sounding desperate?
My fiance of 2 years, in a relationship for 11 years, known one another for 30 years, broke up in Jan 2022. His idea, he broke it off in a text from the hospital where he being treated for Covid (I had it too, just not as bad).related double pneumonia. I moved out Jan 31, 2022. Since then he wont see me, hasnt talked to me at all, only will text, and says we’re over. He is also seeing another old friend. He sees her everyday. She pretty much has taken my place as far as being there everyday, cleaning the house etc. He wants to sleep with her, but I dont know if they have or not. Meanwhile I took some behavour modification classes, graduated Aug 2022 after healing from a ton if trauma in my life. I suggested to him that we get together, see what’s changed, see what we can salvage. Maybe give our love another go with a healthy me. What should I do? I love him, hes my everything like I used to he his everything.
Hi Kathy,
Thanks so much for your comment! Your situation sounds complicated and I feel like you’d greatly benefit from being a part of our community and some back and forth consultation. I recommend that you bring it up in our private forum where we have actual relationship coaches on staff to answer questions and give advice. To access this forum, you would need to sign up for the Irresistible Insiders Club.
Within this private community, you can also ask questions and share experiences with like-minded women and our most advanced members. This way you can get extra real-time feedback and support for your unique situation.
Warm wishes,
Tracey T.
Thank you Tracey. I appreciate your kind words . I just feel helpless and I feel like no one can help. I’ve bought all the programs, rewrite your relationship, text your ex back, obsessive texts, mesmerizing texts. You name it, I bought it and failed to bring him home. I’m about to give up and live the rest of my life in misery.
Seems like it’s something to let go of Kathy…make space for something new and if he wants to come back into your life, then he will…and then you know it’s a choice that he has made. And then you get to decide if you really want him back or if your life without him, and perhaps with some new,one is more fulfilling. Big hugs x
Joy this is an emotionally abusive relationship and you are allowing it to go on and on and on.It will continue because you have allowed it. He doesn’t love himself and it not capable of loving anyone else.
His alcoholism is his disease not yours. You didn’t cause it,can’t cure it or control it.
There is one thing you can do..
Make yourself happy. Join a health club, book club, walking group anything that intetests you, start living your life and let go of his problems and focus on you..not him. You make you happy.When you start to do this you will begin to see all the wonderful things life has to offer you and a new path.All the best to you.
I am 74 and a widow who tried finding another man in my life since I do not attend bars or other social events that includes drinking. Each time I get interested in someone, I find out he is not honest with me. Some weee potential scammers which I was made aware but saved from being scammed. Question: where do I meet honest men who want along term relationship that would turn into marriage? I was married for 43 yrs before my husband died. I value myself and can say have a healthy outlook on life.
Same question as Charlotteat 74. After 30 years of marriage my younger, bipolar husband moved out. I keep trying to figure out what I might have done. Wrong . I realize i have done nothing wrong. I was WAS INJURED & now in constant back pain but…I still continued to be me as much as I could. He treated me like mama, which I finally allowed. When I tried to move out of that role he became upset with mr and said I laid around too much. I AM IN PAIN!!!
I do not even go out looking for other men because it was just too painful to lose what you had & thought had been good. MY constant back pain so that creates some depression & I am lonely. Where do I start? I am not religious or much of a joiner. Groups I have joined shut down do to Covid. I know I should go back to some of those but all I seemed to find were men still t upset by their divorces, wives who took everything, & anger. No thanks. My husband , who moved out 10 years ago is on Match, but when I mentioned trying it, he went crazy telling me about how there were many guys out there just looking for lonely old women, like me, to take advantage of for $. I don’t have $ but it backed me off. So here I sit ….
I need a swift kick, some dutch uncling to look for friendship or love again. I am a member of James group, but have not used it. I just pay monthly and day dream a out a male friend I know only from long distance becoming more that a slight acquaintance. Silly right.?
Patty, I feel for you and think you are not alone. I’ve been on several dat ing sites for 3 years. I was gullible for the first several months, got scammed, no money involved, thank goodness. Learned a lot and met many good guys on the up and up!. You have to be cautious and follow the rules the sites caution you about. Try again, but protect yourself. Lee
James, I’m heartbroken 💔 James. I met this incredible guy. Things were going great. We were connecting on a level that I had never felt before. He told me he was falling in love with me. Then he told me another woman had been texting him. My previous ex and my xhusband cheated on me. Ever since he told me about her my insecurities then took over. I became needy, clingy and he became distracted and distant. But was still making future plans for us. Monday he told me that he doesn’t have the feelings of moving forward. We’ve talked once since to make arrangements to do the awkward exchange of stuff. Which should be next week sometime. But I’m giving him his space.
Trin, what a jerk! Don’t worry there are other men out there that won’t treat you like that. Move on!!!
I have been married for 32 years to a man I love. When we first got together, he was so loving and kind. The last few years have been really hard. He calls me a nag when all I want to do is talk to him about problems we are having. I try not to be a nag and see that sometimes in trying to solve a problem he might have thought I was criticize him. I just seems that I have become the maid. Doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore.
Had a bad experience with him. He had a 20-year-old working at our convivence store. He started to get really friendly with her. Giving her rides in a car he bought after work, asked her to go to a car show when I couldn’t, asked her to come out to our farm and other things. I told him that really wasn’t okay with me. Told me I didn’t let him have friends. She was sitting with him at the end of her shift while he was doing books. She thought he was just being friendly and like a father figure to talk to. Well one night when I was gone to our daughters, he asked her to come to our house to pay her for sex. Was drunk (he’s an alcoholic) and has been sober for years until this night. When I got back, I went to the store to drop off some supplies I had picked up and she told me. Also told me he had been hitting on her for weeks. She quit a few days later. When I confronted him, he said well sex hadn’t been good between us and to chalk it up as mid-life crisis. He is the one who hasn’t wanted to have sex with me, and half the time has trouble getting it up. Later he came up with the excuse that he was trying to scare her into not sleeping around. My husband is 69 years old more than 40 years older than her. Took no responsibility for what happened, didn’t apologize to me or see how bad he hurt me. I don’t want to end our marriage. I am reading your book I bought from you and trying really hard. I just feel like all of this is so one sided. I am trying to be more supportive of him and not be what he calls a nag. I really don’t think he loves me anymore. I really need to have him talk to me about why this happened and what we can do to make it better, but he won’t and gets mad when I bring it up. What can I do as bad as it is I really do love him? His health isn’t good, and I really don’t want to leave him. I want to make this work, but it seems so one sided. I appreciate you listening to this. Can’t tell the kids as they are his stepchildren, and I don’t want them to hate him. He never goes to see them with me, or out to supper or anything like that. If it isn’t his idea, he won’t do it.
If he’s not into you it’s very hard to change that around. It’s one-sided because it is one-sided, painful as it is face the facts and move on with your life the best of your ability. Good luck
What can one say to make you feel better? You’ve been supportive to someone who doesn’t care. I know it’s hard to give up on someone you’ve loved. You won’t get out unscathed, but you must get out of this destructive situation, if not – more heartache will come. He’s not going to change and by staying with him you enable his behaviors. Save yourself now. It will be painful but it won’t last. Time away from abuse does heal to some degree. By being strong in leaving something will happen. You’ll feel proud of yourself and that’s a new beginning for you. Good luck!