Want to master dating and relationships? Then just learn one rule.
Sure, relationships are complex. There are a lot of moving parts. But there’s one guiding principle that brings everything else into alignment.
It’s just one rule, and it’s so important that nothing else matters if you get this one thing wrong.
More than likely you’ve heard the phrase, “alone in a crowd.” You’ve probably even experienced it.
You’re hanging out with friends, but feel no real sense of connection. You join in conversation, but you don’t feel like anyone is on the same wave-length as you.
You’re in close physical proximity, but you’re miles apart emotionally.
That’s what it means to be alone in a crowd.
And it sucks.
It’s a deflating feeling because people you should feel connected to are right there.
And as disappointing as that can be, it’s even worse when it happens with your partner. Then it’s not just deflating. It’s demoralizing. And it’s poison to the intimacy you’ve worked so hard to build.
That brings me to the single most important rule for relationships. Never let the person you love feel alone, especially when he’s in your presence.
After all, that’s why we seek out relationships. For companionship. We don’t want to feel alone. So the most important thing you can do in any relationship is guard that feeling of connection.
While the rule is simple, mastering it takes time and practice.
The good news is there’s a way to make mastering the rule a little easier.
Find a teacher. And your best teacher? It is your own experience.
Think about those times you’ve felt alone, even in the presence of people who care about you.
Go back there in your imagination. Try to recall the things that made you feel isolated.
Was it that your friend had an agenda to look cool rather than listen and connect? Was she trying to be the center of attention? Was it that no one even bothered to ask why you looked like you were in a funk? Identify the specifics that left you feeling alone.
Those experiences are your teacher. Just do the opposite.
The situations that make us feel alone tend to be universal. That means the things that leave you feeling disconnected are likely to have the very same effect on your guy.
This method also works for creating positive moments of connection.
Think of times when you felt truly understood and connected. Learn from those moments in your life. Look to those moments as unique advice specifically for you.
It’s advice about what works between you and your guy. Let those moments strengthen your relationship.
While I could give you specific ideas for creating a sense of connection, I won’t. Instead, I strongly encourage you to take the mental journey described above. Search your memories. Let them teach you.
Your approach will end up being far more personal that way. As a result, it will work better in your unique relationship.
Use your own experience as a guide to keep your guy from feeling disconnected. And use it to intentionally strengthen the bond you share.
James
I feel like in my relationship, he is always trying to find faults in me. I ask him to be more open and understanding that I also have needs. I want him to acknowledge that I’m in his presence, he makes me feel like I’m not important to him. Most of the time we fight because he is always finding something I’m doing wrong to hurt him and I feel like he is just reaching, I’m not doing anything to make him feel this way
I am in a new relationship with a man that tells me we need to take it slowly I have been single for many years, my husband died without warning in 95. Since then I have been in 2 relationships . Both of them being toxic. Now that I find this person I am with funny and sexy also, I’m feeling like maybe he doesn’t have the same feeling as I do. I want to also feel loved like I love him. I am not getting any younger and I know exactly what I want. I just don’t know how to address these feelings toward him
Hi James,
My husband if 27 years recently reconnected with an ex-lover (30 years ago) and developed feelings for her. He told me about her over 6 weeks ago and I’ve allowed him to visit her to see how he feels. It’s been very stressful and anxious over this time. We’ve been getting along really well (conversations and sexually) since I was made aware of her presence …as I’ve refocused on our priorities and our relationship. We were working towards retirement in 1 year so there’s a lot at stake for us. I’m still in love with him but he says the decision is hard to make. Yesterday he told me he wants to spend 2 days with her this week as she’s caravanning and it would be a good test for him to see if he gets on with her and her dogs in the van. I’ve given him an ultimatum to decide between her or me before the caravanning trip. If he doesn’t decide then I’ll make him move out. Have I done the right thing? I don’t deserve to be treated like this and I’ve been more than patient and kind to his situation. He’s developed feelings for her and had sexual relations although he says it’s not been intercourse.
Hi, Gabi. I’m glad you have reached out to us to get some additional opinions and insights from our community. Though I’m sorry to hear about the stress your marriage is under right now.
While it’s normal for feelings of infatuation to come and go (even after committing to a marriage), it’s rather foolish to throw away a promise and a shared life with a committed partner just to explore whether or not you have feelings for someone else. It suggests a fundamental misunderstanding he has regarding the nature of love and commitment.
If he discovers that he does in fact have “feelings” of infatuation, what does that actually tell him? Nothing. Because those feelings will come and go in his next relationship just like the one before it. The feeling of being in love will naturally wax and wane over the course of a 27-year marriage. But the commitment and the choice to love another person with all your heart, mind, and actions does not need to waiver (unless they abuse you, abandon you, etc.).
You might want to ask someone else in his life to explain this to him. Maybe one of his close friends or a relative who cares about him. These are just my thoughts and opinions. I trust you will find your intuition guides you the rest of the way.
James
There should be only two people in a marriage, he and you! You were more than generous and when he sees what he is loosing he may change his mind. Know your rights by going to a good lawyer. Give him the boot!
I’ve been reading comments here, and what I’ve been learning seems to apply to all. I understand being in love (for nearly six years) with someone who remains detached and has an “escape route.” I used some of the techniques I’ve read about here. At times he was responsive, other times not. He found someone else but wanted to remain “great friends.” He professed to the bitter end that he still loved me. I was forced to acknowledge there were major red flags all along that I chose to dismiss. The situation was too painful and I have cut all ties. I can’t believe what a relief that has been. Each day I feel stronger and more confident that I did the right thing for me. The lesson here is: Trust your gut. I did not, and it cost me big time in terms of emotion and self-esteem. I’m ready to move on and hope to find a partner who can value me for the worthy person I am. The reading I’ve done so far has reinforced the idea that it’s possible. Thank you!
This is usually the fact for me and not him. How do I get my partner to identify when I feel alone?
I have an ex boyfriend that I am friends with. I’m still in love with him. I’m trying to be a good friend but every time I get close to moving on, he pulls me in for a kiss or video call me for some sexy time. He says he still loves me but wants to play the field. Hook ups but he’s made it clear he’s scared for
Me to move on and he’s asked me today why did I never fight to get him back after he broke up with me?. He broke up with me because he said he still had feelings for his ex wife, now he knows there’s nothing there so he’s very young 20 everyone he’s ever been close to has died or left him so what should I do?
Hello!
I recently started reading your guide. I’m in a 6 month relationship with a guy who’s ex is still in his life. She keeps texting and coming by the house. He says there’s nothing going on but allows this. I’ve come out of a cheating relationship a year before and I keep getting the same feelings. So, I’m not sure if it’s me being overly strict or him just being overly nice with keeping her in his life. He says he needs me and I am his one and only. I’ve said I love you to him but he has not said it back to me. He said he is working on it. We spend all our time together. We even stay the night together. I’ve been staying at his house. His ex’s stuff is still being stored at his house. I’ve found sexy pictures on his phone of her and even text from her about sex but nothing from him. So I don’t know if it’s just her or he is deleting his part in the messages. Please help!
Hi Lisa,
Thanks so much for your comment! Your situation sounds complicated and I feel like you’d greatly benefit from being a part of our community and some back and forth consultation. I recommend that you bring it up in our private forum where we have actual relationship coaches on staff to answer questions and give advice. To access this forum, you would need to sign up for the Irresistible Insiders Club.
Within this private community, you can also ask questions and share experiences with like-minded women and our most advanced members. This way you can get extra real-time feedback and support for your unique situation.
Warm wishes,
Tracey T.
Be there …. may I suggest you honor what you need. Don’t waiver.
If it bothers you or doesn’t seem right, trust your instincts.
Thats a tricky one for sure. I am friends with my ex cuz we have a daughter together. If she is still around at 6 months it may not be over between them. I would keep my guard up and just keep trusting him til you find out differently.
Can you ask him to delete her info and pics etc,
Trust your gut. Move on!
Use your gut feeling and run for your life’s sanity. There is someone out there who will consider you, very valuable the one and only one.
I am in a similar situation… Even if it is very difficult, I start to believe that the BEST thing to do is let him go… Otherwise it will be a “never-ending story” which will only make you suffer but not grow.
Best of luck to you and me!
I’ve learned a lot already from the materials that you’ve written. I just don’t understand men. My boyfriend and I were a month away from the one year mark. Not crazy long but enough where I was getting the feeling feelings. One day we are sitting on the couch with his head in my lap and 3 days later he needs a few days to clear his head and think to which I let him and did not disrespect that space. And then after four days of silence he feels it’s best if we break up because we are not in the same place with our feelings. A week later I return his house key and we talk for 45 minutes where he cries the entire time and says that he misses me but thinks we see different futures. Everyone was shocked by the break up…even his family who is continuing to text me about what in the world happened. We were both happy and then boom. We are meeting up to talk next week. What in the heck am I supposed to do?
Hi Tristyn,
Thanks so much for your comment. Your situation sounds complicated and I feel like you’d greatly benefit from being a part of our community and some back and forth consultation. I recommend that you bring it up in our private forum where we have actual relationship coaches on staff to answer questions and give advice. To access this forum, you would need to sign up for the Irresistible Insiders Club.
Within this private community, you can also ask questions and share experiences with like-minded women and our most advanced members. This way you can get extra real-time feedback and support for your unique situation.
Warm wishes,
Tracey T.
Hi Tristyn, I had the same thing happen to me. We had been dating for 16 months and just came back from a fabulous holiday together with his family.
He distanced himself within a few days of returning as he said he needed to get his head together?
Since then he has come over to return my housekey and other items & we’ve spoken for a couple of. He was in tears as was I but by the time he left nothing was resolved.
Thinking about it several weeks down the track, I think he’s just into me anymore & I have to let him go.
When a man says he won’t commit, he’s not ready, he has seen his friends cry over woman and he will never be like that. Yet he is in my life everyday, on the phone for hours and we see each other twice a week. He does date other woman occasionally. Is he a lost cause?
Yes I think he is !
He knows that you will be there every time he, wants to talk .
Your a good friend, nothing
nothing else
I have been in a relationship with a guy for 10 years. We have a son together and he has been distance from me and acting weird. I need the love that we had to come back the way we were before. What I need to do?
Hey, Chelly. I recommend you start with an open conversation. No goals. No agenda to change him (yet). No blaming. Just open inquiry into the things he wants, hopes for, fears, feels frustrated by, etc.
Then repeat that conversation but with a focus on what he wants in the relationship and what you want in the relationship. Look for points of alignment where you both want the same thing. Start there.
Hello James,
All your lessons are really inspiring.
I’m reading now about the hero instinct.
Here is my story and I want some serious help.
Let me tell you everything in detail.
I and this guy, we are friends for 9 years. We share good closeness and openness with each other. We are staying in the same city and we meet up every day. He is very caring and concerned about each and everything about me. We are already in each other’s daily routine like having breakfast together, staying in the weekend, having parties together. He also says that he is never gonna let me go and being with me is his happiness but he also says that he is not sure that he wants to spend his entire life with me as he is doubtful about himself as he had a breakup previously where they ended up after 4 years of relationship as he was not sure about the future.
After his first relationship, he is into relationship with another girl which is a long distance relationship, they chat with each other, call each other, video calling, online playing games as well as watch series with each other everyday. On the other hand we became physically intimate with each other and we both know we love to spend time together but because of her he is not able to give his all into our relationship. I asked him why don’t you confront her and tell her the truth, he is like he doesn’t want to take any drastic step at this moment and if he confronts the truth he feels she’ll die as she’s very much dependent on him. He is also saying the second relationship just started with casual chat and he was also not sure it would go this far which is also approx. 4 years. He doesn’t want the relationship either and has told the girl also that he doesn’t have any intention of marrying her. But the girl is still with him knowing the fact that he is not into any real life commitment with her.
Because of these two incidents he is doubtful about us and thinking that even if he broke up with her and we started an official relationship he doubts if he is ready for life time commitment or not with me.
I am seriously clueless right now on what to do what not to do. If you can help me then will be really great. I seriously don’t want to cheat anybody but I want my friend, my bff, my comfort zone as my life partner. And also our friend circle know we make a wonderful couple. But everything is stuck just because he is tied to another girl and fearful of telling her the truth..
Please help me out.
Hi Pari,
Thanks so much for your comment! Your situation sounds complicated and I feel like you’d greatly benefit from being a part of our community and some back and forth consultation. I recommend that you bring it up in our private forum where we have actual relationship coaches on staff to answer questions and give advice. To access this forum, you would need to sign up for the Irresistible Insiders Club.
Within this private community, you can also ask questions and share experiences with like-minded women and our most advanced members. This way you can get extra real-time feedback and support for your unique situation.
Warm wishes,
Tracey T.
Hi. My advice is to get out. He needs to feel what life is without you. It will be the toughest thing you will do but staying with him and playing his game is helping no one. There are three people involved you him and the other girl and no one is moving forward. If you want more you need to let him go. This is the only way he will confront his feelings and the only way to free you up to get what you deserve. He may or may not wake up so have your support group ready. Best of luck.
Paris, you don’t know me but I had something similar happen in past relationship so my advice is give him an ultimatum. I told him I’m not waiting in line for him so he needed to make a decision and he did! Picked me only many years later I ended it because I needed to feel more secure and also wanted better treatment from him so basically it was successful for many years but did end only we are friends to this day!!!