“Once guys get to know me, they always leave.”
“I can’t let down my guard. I’ll say the wrong thing and push him away.”
“It’s risky to let a guy into my life. What if he sees the real me and runs?”
I wish I had a dime for every time a woman has told me she can’t afford to get too close to anyone.
Getting too close means revealing parts of herself that she’s vulnerable or sensitive about.
It opens her up for rejection. What if she gives him this gift—an insight into her life—and he throws it back in her face?
For many women, this isn’t a theoretical risk. It’s happened to them. Time and time again.
Right when they were letting a guy in, he was on his way out.
Even worse, these women don’t put blame where it’s due.
They blame THEMSELVES for opening up…
Rather than the men they’re dating for running away.
Is it true that men leave once they get to know the real you…
Or is there something else going on?
The Fatal Flaw
Dr. Jonice Webb found that many of the clients she counseled had one thing in common:
They felt there was something different about them….
They all had various explanations as to why there was something wrong with them. But they were all clear about the fact that they had to hide their flaw, or other people wouldn’t like them.
Dr. Webb christened this feeling “The Fatal Flaw.”
It’s a feeling that something about you is different, wrong, shameful, or unacceptable to others.
The feeling is real, but the flaw is an illusion.
No matter how much her clients believed they were broken, all Dr. Webb saw were wonderfully normal human beings living life the best they could.
The Need to Hide
When you believe there’s something wrong with you, you want to make sure it’s well hidden. Otherwise, people might find out and judge you.
It becomes hard to let anyone in. You might be the life of the party, or the socialite with lots of friends, but you can’t afford to let anyone see the truth about you.
You feel safest in superficial conversations that don’t ask too much of you. Friends who get too close make you feel nervous. Sometimes you find yourself pushing people away, because you don’t want them to discover who you really are.
Even though that’s what you wanted, you feel lonely. No one knows the real you. They don’t know the real you because you haven’t let them. But if you let them know the real you, you just know they’ll reject you.
It feels like an impossible dilemma.
What can you do?
Opening the Door to Love
The first step is to recognize that you can have a feeling that feels utterly, absolutely true…
And it may not be true at all.
You can know in your heart of hearts that something is wrong with you—and be completely wrong about it!
What if that feeling is just a feeling? What if it’s an old feeling that came from the past but doesn’t have any relevance to who you are today?
One of the most interesting patterns in dating is the way we perceive people rejecting us for the exact same reasons we reject ourselves.
If you believe you’re unlikable, you’ll notice any sign that someone may not like you.
If you believe you’re not worthy of love, you’ll notice any sign that someone’s love for you is faltering.
Here’s a fundamental truth about how the human mind works. What we see depends on what we pay attention to.
Which is why changing how we see ourselves can change the way other people see us.
What if you recognized that those feelings of unworthiness are just feelings? They’re not the truth about you. Acknowledge them and let them go.
As you work on appreciating the truth about yourself—all your wonderful qualities, your lovability, everything you bring to your relationships—you’ll find that the men you attract appreciate you, too.
You still may decide to reserve your trust for men who’ve earned it, but you’ll no longer worry that being yourself will end the relationship.
There’s nothing wrong with you. There never was. If you doubt it, just ask all the people who love you. Show them your insecurities and see what they say.