“Once guys get to know me, they always leave.”
“I can’t let down my guard. I’ll say the wrong thing and push him away.”
“It’s risky to let a guy into my life. What if he sees the real me and runs?”
I wish I had a dime for every time a woman has told me she can’t afford to get too close to anyone.
Getting too close means revealing parts of herself that she’s vulnerable or sensitive about.
It opens her up for rejection. What if she gives him this gift—an insight into her life—and he throws it back in her face?
For many women, this isn’t a theoretical risk. It’s happened to them. Time and time again.
Right when they were letting a guy in, he was on his way out.
Even worse, these women don’t put blame where it’s due.
They blame THEMSELVES for opening up…
Rather than the men they’re dating for running away.
Sound familiar?
Is it true that men leave once they get to know the real you…
Or is there something else going on?
The Fatal Flaw
Dr. Jonice Webb found that many of the clients she counseled had one thing in common:
They felt there was something different about them….
Something wrong.
They all had various explanations as to why there was something wrong with them. But they were all clear about the fact that they had to hide their flaw, or other people wouldn’t like them.
Dr. Webb christened this feeling “The Fatal Flaw.”
It’s a feeling that something about you is different, wrong, shameful, or unacceptable to others.
The feeling is real, but the flaw is an illusion.
No matter how much her clients believed they were broken, all Dr. Webb saw were wonderfully normal human beings living life the best they could.
The Need to Hide
When you believe there’s something wrong with you, you want to make sure it’s well hidden. Otherwise, people might find out and judge you.
It becomes hard to let anyone in. You might be the life of the party, or the socialite with lots of friends, but you can’t afford to let anyone see the truth about you.
You feel safest in superficial conversations that don’t ask too much of you. Friends who get too close make you feel nervous. Sometimes you find yourself pushing people away, because you don’t want them to discover who you really are.
Even though that’s what you wanted, you feel lonely. No one knows the real you. They don’t know the real you because you haven’t let them. But if you let them know the real you, you just know they’ll reject you.
It feels like an impossible dilemma.
What can you do?
Opening the Door to Love
The first step is to recognize that you can have a feeling that feels utterly, absolutely true…
And it may not be true at all.
You can know in your heart of hearts that something is wrong with you—and be completely wrong about it!
What if that feeling is just a feeling? What if it’s an old feeling that came from the past but doesn’t have any relevance to who you are today?
One of the most interesting patterns in dating is the way we perceive people rejecting us for the exact same reasons we reject ourselves.
If you believe you’re unlikable, you’ll notice any sign that someone may not like you.
If you believe you’re not worthy of love, you’ll notice any sign that someone’s love for you is faltering.
Here’s a fundamental truth about how the human mind works. What we see depends on what we pay attention to.
Which is why changing how we see ourselves can change the way other people see us.
What if you recognized that those feelings of unworthiness are just feelings? They’re not the truth about you. Acknowledge them and let them go.
As you work on appreciating the truth about yourself—all your wonderful qualities, your lovability, everything you bring to your relationships—you’ll find that the men you attract appreciate you, too.
You still may decide to reserve your trust for men who’ve earned it, but you’ll no longer worry that being yourself will end the relationship.
There’s nothing wrong with you. There never was. If you doubt it, just ask all the people who love you. Show them your insecurities and see what they say.
Hi James,
Finally I decided to write and share to you about my relationship. I think maybe my story won’t be any different with your other customers. But at least I hope you will consider to give some tips or helpful guidance to me as I still loving him and I’m not ready to give up.
He broke up a 6 years relationship for almost 5 months, before I met him and we decided to take our relationship to the next level. We’re perfectly fine for the first 4 months until out of nowhere he left me to get back with his ex girlfriend.
I’m totally devastated and start to focus on myself, I hangout with friends, spend times with family, get back to workout and went for vacation oversea. And of course I applied no contact rules for 3 months. I stop stalking him at social media during this period, but unlike him. He still get to know my daily routine and activities through my social media. But during that time I just think maybe that was something he used to do and it doesn’t have anything with his feeling toward me.
Not until a week after that, he starts to text me and show interest in me. His efforts is exactly like how we dated before. The problem is he still with his girlfriend, but what we had right now is nothing like friend. We’re beyond that, he sending me a mixed signal. But deep down I know, no matter it is he will still choose her again over and over. Because I understand, I understand that I’m too late. There’s too much history between him and his girlfriend. There’re the first love to each other since highschool. I understand without a shadow of doubt😔 But the part that I don’t understand why he keep coming back. It’s tiring, I love him but not when he with someone else. Can you please help me to get him back and he only choose me over his long time relationship?
A part of me wants to see you go after that relationship and make it succeed. But the other part of me is reluctant to advise you to pursue a man whose history shows that he is not a monogamous type. So I would only recommend you go after this man if you want to be with the kind of man he currently is. And currently, he is the kind of man who waffles back-and-forth between various relationships, often secretly dating or at least flirting with more than one woman at a time.
Because past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, take great caution in pursuing this man. The truth is, there are many guys who truly want a deep, personal, intimate relationship of the sort that can only be formed between two committed people. Every day you spend pursuing a man who does not want the same thing you want is a day you miss the opportunity to meet the right person who is truly compatible with you.
I understand that the heart wants what the heart wants, so I grieve with you today. But I simultaneously celebrate the freedom you could experience if you take my words to heart.
James
This gutted me. These are the thoughts I have daily about relationships. I finally met the most amazing high value man who has so many incredible qualities. I’ve dated so many losers… lol
I kept telling myself that he’s too good to be true and now I’ve managed to sabotage it. We started talking about exes and old relationships and he got really upset because of one relationship that I had that was very short term a few years ago.
He seemed very fixated and why I would go out with someone like that and it turned him off. And now he won’t even talk to me.
He thinks that because I was on a dating site it means I was randomly out there hooking up with people and that’s not me. I don’t know how to fix this but he says he’s done. He says he doesn’t want to be sitting next to me at a restaurant and wondering how many guys in there have been with me or wanted to be with me?
I don’t really understand how he just flipped and is acting like I’m somebody I’m not? I keep trying to explain to him that that is not who I am and he won’t listen.
I opened up I was vulnerable I was honest when he asked me about past relationships Now it makes me feel like those thoughts jeopardized this.
For some reason, he made me feel insecure because he’s so at a higher level than anybody else I’ve ever gone out with. I thought if he knew about successful men that I have dated in the past that it somehow would make him see me as a more desirable person.
He was annoyed by it and very angry and broke up with me last night over it. Any advice? Thanks
Hey Melanie. He may not admit it, but he craves your admiration.
Guys can’t see themselves with someone who looks up to other men more, because they feel small in the one relationship that matters most to them. They want to feel like your hero. He craves your admiration.
You said, this, “I thought if he knew about successful men that I have dated in the past that it somehow would make him see me as a more desirable person.”
I immediately wondered if that would fix things if he overheard that. Because it shows that your real motivation was to win him over, not make him feel small.
Always on your side,
James
An excellent article.
Let me do my homework !
How does this apply to me?
1. If my friends aren’t paying attention to me and I get angry about it, maybe really I am not paying attention to myself. How could I be – when I am so focused on their attention on me, indeed!
2. If they don’t put me on top of their priority list, maybe I’m not doing it with myself.
3. If they don’t come back to me fast, maybe there are some things that are waiting for me to do since a while?
Let’s turn it around as in the article:
1. If I’m not paying attention to myself, then I’ll notice any sign where my friends are not thinking about me.
2. If I’m not putting myself on top of my self-care priority list, then I might notice any sign that others are forgetting things they promised me they would do.
3. If I’ve put off doing some important things for me for a long time, then I will notice each time someone leaves me hanging.
Very interesting – a completely different way to see things, and it actually required that I write this down and flip it around.
Thank you so much!