So, you start dating a new guy. He’s great. Interesting, attractive, intelligent and fun. All seems well until…
You find out he’s still pretty tight with an ex.
Sure, there are situations where former partners have to maintain contact. If they share a circle of friends, have kids, or work at the same place, for example.
But these two have none of those obligations, and they’re still very close.
Like, they hang out. They talk. REALLY talk. Probably about his relationship with you. They’re downright chummy, and it kind of weirds you out.
It’s not that you’re jealous. You’re not afraid he’s cheating on you with her. If he wanted that, they’d still be dating. No, this is something else.
You don’t want to sound possessive or insecure, but you’re not cool with the connection he has with her.
And the worst part of it is you end up doubting yourself. What if you are just being clingy?
So here’s the real question. Is it okay that he still pals around with a former girlfriend?
The quick answer? Maybe. But probably not.
A recent Oakland University study actually took a close look at over 850 post-dating friendships. What these researchers discovered was kind of alarming.[i]
According to the study, people with “darker personality traits,” like narcissism and psychopathy, were more likely to remain friends with an ex after the breakup. Their reasons were mostly pragmatic and almost always selfish.
Former partners don’t normally stay close friends. Most people move on.
Unless that is, they see their ex as a “desirable resource” they can use when convenient. A resource for what? Well, that ranges from help meeting other eligible singles to easy random hookups.
Yeah. Scary.
Is it a guarantee your guy is thinking along those lines? No, not at all. But if he’s still friends with an old flame, you have good reason to be uncomfortable.
Luckily, dealing with it is pretty straightforward.
First, talk to him. Let him know you’re not comfortable. He may defend the friendship, which is normal. Just maintain your stance.
Don’t let your imagination get the best of you. In other words, DON’T accuse him of anything. And don’t draw any lines in the sand. It might seem like a good idea to give him an ultimatum, but it’s not.
This isn’t a Lifetime movie. If you end up saying, “It’s her or me!” you’ve gone too far.
Just let him know his connection with a former girlfriend is going to have a negative impact on his connection with you. You’re not okay with that.
If he’s receptive, understanding, and willing to change, great! It may take a bit of time to work out the kinks, but a sensitive, mature guy will get it.
If, on the other hand, he refuses to take your feelings into account, run. Don’t expect him to suddenly decide your feelings matter later. If they don’t matter now, you deserve better.
A lot of former couples manage to be civil around each other after the breakup. That’s a sign of maturity. But if your guy is besties with his ex, that’s a red flag.
Tell him that doesn’t work for you and give him the chance to change it. If he won’t, it’s probably time for you to move on.
[i] Rense, Sarah. “If You’re Still Friends with Your Ex, Chances Are You’re a Psychopath.” ELLE. Hearst Digital Media, 13 May 2016. Web. 19 May 2016.
My ex reached out to me asking me to meet with him and his gf for a dinner. He explained to her that I was very important to him and he wanted me to be part of his life. She said she would only be comfortable with it if she meets me and gets to know me.
I think this is incredibly naive and selfish from both of them. No one asks me if I want him to be part of my life. Also, if she’s looking for any piece of mind from meeting me, I don’t think she’s going to find it. Not that I would do anything to hurt her, but I’m not responsible for her own well being.
I also think they should not bet me involved in building their trust and in helping with their communication.
Lastly, I have moved on, am dating a new wonderful guy, and while I no longer have romantic feelings for my ex, I still do love him. And this is just not healthy for me at the moment.
Why is my ex doing it? Is he truly a narcissist and wants to hang on to me because I make him feel better about himself? Because he knows I still love him?
I want to be honest, transparent and take care of my well being
James
I am in healthcare profession and my spouse has his own business. He has bought a house with his worker and has given her a company car. I found out a year ago about the house and I am very much hurt. I have spoken to him about this situation but it seems he is not willing to make any changes. We have been married for 20 years. Any suggestions?
That is a kind of bizar situation. Why is he doing this for her?
Yes. Leave if you have any self-respect. There is no other option if you’ve already talked to him about it. He doesn’t care as hard as that may be to hear.
My ex hated jealousy and used that as his test of my trust. He was friends with one of his exes and thought it perfectly normal and ok to meet her for lunch or dinner whenever he traveled to her state. I actually went with him to meet her when we were dating, then she and her fiancé came and stayed as guests at our home once we were married. I honestly didn’t like it. It wasn’t bc I didn’t trust him or her though I knew she still carried a torch for him. I didn’t like it bc he expected me never to be jealous; an emotion I had no control over.
This was a huge problem in our relationship as he constantly tested this boundary with one woman after another. It seemed like he did it just to judge me or test my trust and self esteem. It made me feel like something was wrong with me bc I felt jealous of him building such close relationships with other women that did not include me. I always felt like he was looking for something better. And that he didn’t really even like me bc of my humanity.
It ended up breaking us up. Now he’s torturing someone new.
OMG! I am a psychopath. Eek. My ex and I have been in a very strange (No benefits), friend/relationship for over a year now. We or at least I can’t decide if I want to get back together after being divorced for13 years. I have some trust issues when we tried to get back together 7 years ago. However, we go back 30 years together and feel like we have a soul connection. I would genuinely care about him if something were to happen to him. It’s almost like I love him like a brother now. Have you ever heard of such a thing? Maybe now at my age, (57), companionship is more my thing or either I want romance and passion etc. from someone different. Kornfused in Kansas..lol.
If it’s any consolation, Deborah, research does seem to support the notion that as we grow older, the friendship and partnership aspect of our relationship becomes more important to us relative to feelings of passion. It’s not that both can’t coexist, but rather that we begin to appreciate companionship more.
Some people find it better to trust their own intuition rather than trying to figure out what everyone else is doing. You might just spend some time contemplating what you want rather than what seems normal according to society’s standards.
James
I enjoyed reading this article. I started following you, despite how I feel about the advertising, because I felt I needed to understand my relationship better. You caught me at a weak moment, but I find your advise and articles often surprise me. I’m happy to read them. I’m not out to manipulate the opposite sex. It is important for me that I understand whether or not I should continue on the path I’m on.
Unlike many of your followers (from what I gather), I’m not single. I’m not looking. I’ve been in a relationship for over 30 years. I don’t want to start over, but I feel like I’ve been asleep. I’ve turned a blind eye to things I feel I should no longer turn a blind eye to, and I’m discovering traits I never knew existed in either of us. Some of it surprises me. Some of it alarms me, but most of it keeps me on edge.
I am a loyal person and honestly can’t recall a time when I flirted with the opposite sex for the last 20 years. That means not even my husband. I’ve grown cold over the years for reasons I wish not to disclose and am trying to remedy that. I’m just not sure if I should.
Regardless, I feel I would enjoy reading an article on your thoughts about workplace spouses. I have already encountered this issue, but if I were new to the single’s world and still not fully aware of the things I should accept or not accept, what would you have to say about a man who has a workplace spouse? Would you consider it the same as remaining friends with an ex? Or would you approach the topic differently?
It’s a little food for thought. Perhaps if/when you run out of ideas, it wouldn’t hurt to give some insight on the topic. If I were single and looking for a mate again, it is a possible pitfall I could run into, and when I say ‘I,’ I mean ‘all’ of us, young, old, single, women, men, etc…
That’s such an interesting topic, and I’m glad you brought it up.
And I’m happy to have you as a reader. I hope your efforts to breathe new life into your relationship creates a self-reinforcing cycle of joy for you and your partner. It’s nice to meet brave people like you online. Good luck!
This is serious however to me it wouldn’t be good to take the ex as an enemy but standards should be set and limits put across not to go beyond the set standards more so if you have already moved on with someone else,respect the new person you have and put a limit with your ex otherwise you will end up making funny mistakes like cheating in trying to be good. remember the more you give time to your ex ,there are some memories you had together which can be remembered and bring you back some times together and yet you have already moved on with someone else.all i have to say on this is that respect the fact that shes your ex and there are reasons why you couldn’t stay together and set your standards in respect of the new person you have now.thank you.
my boyfriend is friends with his ex i did not have a problem with it at first but when i found out that his ex with come over an she would spend the night by him an when i asked him he said he was just trying to help her out cause she has problems with her baby father so i pushed further an asked so where did u sleep he said on the same bed so i was like for real thats when he told me that they almost has sex the only thing they did was kiss and cuddle i was so pissed an felt betrayed we talked about it and try to move forward but he still talks to this ex he had sent her a porn video an told her he want to do her like that i saw that an i just lost my mind i also found out that i was pregnant for him i was so depress an down an super stressed out that i lots the baby i told him in the heat of the argument that he would never get to see his child ever we are still together i love him but i need some advice what should i do should i leave or try to work out an almost 3 years relationship
That’s a complicated personal question that would be poorly addressed in a blog comment. You might want to join our private forum where we have coaches to address personal questions like this one.
I wouldn’t interpret it this harsh, ladies. Different people, different situations. I am friends with my ex, we’ve known each other for two decades now, out of which we spent more than a decade together. We talk probably on weekly or fortnightly basis, buy presents for each other’s birthdays. Yet, there is no coming back. None of us wants it back. We have a very strong mutual understanding that it will never work for us as a couple. We are best being more like brother and sister. There is ABSOLUTELY NO sexual connotation to my relationship with him.
Some people are surprised, yet they fail to consider that life is more than being about sex. Life is much happier and satisfying when it is about forgiveness, friendship, kindness, and not harbouring negative feelings.
He knows me for much longer than he knows his wife. I hope that she is not of a jealous kind (we never discuss our current relationships anyway, we have a lot of other common interests. The only time we spoke about it was when he consulted me which one of his several girlfriends I liked better, and I liked the one that later became his wife). But trying to stop it would be more like making him stop seeing his relative: a brother or a sister.
I just want to say that women have a lot of influence on their men. Don’t teach your man to be angry and possessive, if don’t want those qualities to later show up in his dealings with you too. Teach him to be a better man, and you’ll be the first one to benefit from it.
I’m with you on this one, Ali. I am great friends with my ex-husband of 4 years. We even hang out on a semi regular basis. Always in a group, never alone. THERE IS NOTHING SEXUAL ABOUT OUR FRIENDSHIP. We were great friends prior to our marriage, the marriage fell through, our friendship picked back up after. Yes, we have a daughter together and that was a big driving force to stay friendly after the divorce. But it wasn’t hard to want to stay friends. Even now, it’s not awkward. I’ve dated someone seriously since our split and there was no animosity by either party. All I’m saying, Ladies, is take time to really listen to your guys side of the issue. If the tables were turned and you were the one in that type of friendship, how would you want you potential new guy to come to you with the issue in a way you felt was fair and mature.
I’m am divorced and my boyfriend is divorced. He called me over a year ago after his wife left him for another man. He waited for her for one year before deciding to move on. Years ago he was actually my first real boyfriend in High School, but we didn’t stay together because he enlisted in the Army and we lost touch when he was stationed in Germany. When he came back home he knocked on my door hoping to pick up where we left off, but I was already in a serious relationship. Then he met and married his current ex wife. After they split up we started seeing each other for almost a year when he started showing signs of not being over his ex. I think this was due to the fact that he wanted to remain friends with her because of all their mutual ties together with their son and grandchildren (which is understandable, to an extent). They also work together. When she left he stayed in the house but always said the house was hers. At one point she told him she was moving home and he accepted her back, but by the next morning it was over again and she went back to the other man. We picked up where we left off and tried to work things out. The relationship we had didn’t feel the way I thought it should feel because I didn’t feel like I was the important one. I want to understand the importance of her place in the family because I want him to understand the place of my ex in the family for my children. But somehow I think I do a lot better job of making him feel important than he does me. Because of his inability to get past her and move on with me, I basically stopped our relationship until he decided to make it a point to come see me to talk about us. We are three hours apart. After a month of no phone calls or face to face visits, I gave up and started dating. I’ve been seeing a great guy for one month now. We have only been intimate one time because I tend to take that part of relationships very slow. We have become very good friends and enjoy our time together. I recently received a message from my old boyfriend asking if he could come talk to me. I agreed to see him because I still love him. We met at a restaurant to talk and he wants me back and plans to talk to his ex wife about moving forward with me, but he hasn’t had that conversation with her yet. Honestly, in my mind I don’t even understand the need to talk to her about anything because she left him. I broke up with the other guy I’ve been seeing, but he wants to remain friends with me until I move. I told my old boyfriend about the friendship and he said that was up to me. I have actually hung out with the other guy a couple of times and he seems to understand my love for the old boyfriend. I kind of get the feeling sometimes that he would like to have me back but I’m not sure. My old boyfriend that wants me back and loves me is starting to act jealous of the new boyfriend that wants to remain friends. I don’t know if I should stop this friendship in order to work on our relationship. Or if I should continue seeing him until the old boyfriend actually follows through and moves me with him so we can start our lives. In reality I’m not doing anything that he hasn’t done our entire relationship by being such good friends with his ex wife. I want the old boyfriend because I still love him, but I don’t want to live another year like we lived the last year. Not to mention giving up my new friend. I didn’t mention that I think part of the reason that my old boyfriend is having such a hard time cutting ties with his ex is because she is always having long conversations with him at work about their past lives together. She even told him that she thought it would be cool to live next door to each other. I feel like she keeps giving him false hope that they can get back together but she continues to live with the guy she cheated with.
I found messages in my boyfriends phone and pictures she sent him. They talk all cute with eachother “handsome” “beautiful” how she’s so far out of his leage and how she’s just so far away.. Then I findout he met up with her when he went back to his hometown. Like an idiot I’m still here and all we do is fight. He’s friends with all 30+ ex and they message eachother.. Please tell me to leave
I think this is slightly misleading – the article in Elle does not accurately reflect the study.
It was an unusual research design. And the findings reported here are really only one small portion of what what the researchers noticed.
My ex and I are friends. We have known each other for almost 50 years. When we were divorced almost 30 years ago. We decided that life would be so much easier if we were on a friendly basis as we had 2 children and would be in contact forever. Both of the kids appreciated this. Birthdays, Christmas, graduations, weddings, births of grandkids etc were so much easier on everyone involved.