If a guy tells you he’s too damaged, too depressed, or too anything else, take him at his word.
Do you remember that Cold Play song, “Fix You?”
The chorus said, “Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you.” That was the most popular song from Cold Play’s third album, X&Y. It still gets radio play, and I can understand why.
It sounds sweet. The basic idea is even romantic that you could care about someone so much that your love overcomes the broken condition of their heart.
Unfortunately, it’s also highly unlikely.
But in spite of that, this is one of the questions I’m asked most frequently. Women want to know how they can rescue a guy who is neurotic. Someone who claims he’s broken or insists that he’s just not good enough for her.
So, I’m going to tell you what I tell all my clients. When a guy claims he’s messed up, you should be very cautious about moving forward. The same thing goes for a guy who goes on and on about how you’re out of his league. Sure, it’s flattering to hear at first, but it’s a significant red flag if he keeps at it.
Here’s why. When a relationship begins with that kind of dynamic, you’re more or less signing up to be his emotional guardian. Get ready to be his one-woman support network. You’ll spend untold amounts of time and effort working to protect his fragile self-esteem. No matter what you’ve heard about snagging a guy who’s a ‘fixer upper,’ it’s not a fun job.
It’s work. A lot of work.
The feeling that you’re always taking care of him will wear on you. Trust me. Most guys who see themselves as damaged aren’t all that great at returning love and support.
But there’s more.
As nice as it might be to think a romantic connection could redeem him, that’s rarely the case. The best relationships happen when two emotionally healthy people come together and form a truly intimate bond. Even if you’re willing to put up with his need for constant emotional reassurance, there’s a better than average chance it won’t pay off.
Insecurity can be a black hole. You simply can’t give enough assurance to another person to make up for their lack of faith in themselves. That’s something that has to come from within. Telling him what he wants to hear won’t make him better. In fact, it’s more likely to encourage him to continue to be needy!
Besides, your relationship shouldn’t be all about fixing another person. Romance should be fun and exciting. It shouldn’t feel like a second job.
If you’re with a guy who claims he’s not good enough for you, don’t argue. Whatever his reasons, accept them and move on. Find someone who is less focused on their own deficiencies and more focused on you.
I was meant to see this article today, as a reminder for me. I’m currently in a very long and happy marriage. Prior to meeting my husband, I was in a relationship with a very damaged man. I had no perspective or knowledge about a man like this so my tendency was to show love, love and more love to try to “fix” him which of course I never could. After a few years of frustration and unhappiness, I finally left him, but first I had gone thru the stages of unhappiness, grief, denial, and finally anger to move me forward. So when I left I was so happy and ready for a truly healthy and happy relationship. Which I found very quickly actually since I had cleared my head space to receive the right person.
Then early this year, I was in the midst of compassion fatigue in dealing with special needs family members as well as my elderly mother and all the issues that come from keeping her in her home with full time care. Hubby was sick of hearing about it and there was nobody else who I could talk to.
Enter a man who I met thru the care giving world, he is divorced and falls madly in love with me before finding out I’m married.Totally someone who is a mess with all the issues which I immediately recognize. Red flags everywhere. I do feel compassion and feel safe since I’m happily married and tell my hubby about him. I tell him he needs therapy. Now.
I’m patient with him, hes a wounded soul. Keep him at a distance but text and chat once in a while. Because why? I’m an empathetic person and I badly needed a distraction at that time. Under normal circumstances for me, that never would have gone anywhere. I had good intentions but it was a bad idea. I wanted to provide him a solid bond with someone he could count on. That was it for me. We continued with limited communication while he started dating a bit but not happy with who he was matched up with. Comparing all of them to me, he says they’re not measuring up. Of course he was/is the problem but he never sees it.
After many months he had a personal crisis due to his inablility to regulate himself, and when I stepped up to be a shoulder for him, he became obsessed with asking me to leave my husband and marry him. I’m the “perfect person” etc. I had to detach and back away.
My point here is that I got way too involved with him, almost like an emotional affair, because he triggered in me, the things that I felt in my long ago relationship with my ex. So if you know that you have those tendencies, and you meet a person like this, even though you know they are bad news and you think you can keep things detached…it’s very dangerous and detrimental to you and your current relationship. Before you know it, there is too much emotional energy draining you day to day. I remind myself every day now, to never get involved with anyone ever again who shows these signs. Male or female, friends or famiy, stay away. My next door (female married)neighbor showed the same signs. RUN. They don’t make your life better in any way. NOT EVER.
I have been both the rescuer and the broken person. Even now, I find myself needing to take a break from dating so I can fix myself because I have serious issues in both my pursuit of broken people and my brokenness and insecurities within. Its a deadly cocktail.
Actually, in my experience I find that people are often “both.” It’s basically a type of codependency. The person plays a different role in each relationship, but the dynamic itself is the same story with different participants. I was ‘with’ one guy (if you can even call it that?) who was actually with another person, and he said “she is to me like I am to you.” Meaning: I was overly devoted to him and trying to fix him while he lagged on me for support, and he was the exact same way with her — overly devoted to her while she lagged on him for support. Even now I find that I feel so insecure and broken that I would lag on potential partners for support. Or I try so hard to fix them and I am hurt that they can’t return my love when I support them so badly.
Absolutely stay clear of these people and fix yourself if you are one yourself.
This article was immensely helpful for me. Some readers may not be a mental place right now to accept it and see the value in this article, but for me personally, this article definitely made things clearer.
I have a beautiful, successful, insecure man and we are very much “In Love” and I am afraid. We are together on/off nearly 3 years. It’s complicated- I filed for divorce over 2 years ago and he was in a committed relationship on/ off. Even when we weren’t together- we would always talk over phone – all the time. He is 43 and I’m 45.
I can’t – not be with him – he is very loving and supportive emotionally. I’m emotionally healthy (as told by my therapist) … he also goes for therapy… he has little intermittent dysmorphia … actually feels deep down… he needs to “please me”. He is work. I feel pressure to show him my approval and pleasure. I actually do need to say the words to reassure and knowing that – seems to work.
Learning to show more has helped me with my children too, it is better to show the positive. It’s not a bad thing. He knows … I know. Finally we are free to be together and we are so very in sync.. in love. As he confesses constantly- but he hesitates to move forward to an “exclusive” relationship. I don’t push, I back off and he comes to me. He says- he wants to grow old together but fears he is not enough for me.
He is enough – But I truly fear a severely broken heart… I’ve really hurt and loved him as no other and he says the same. More than husbands … problem is I know his capacity to hide cheating as he eagerly did with me. He is very handsome and his energy is attractive to many … he has plenty of opportunities. He is hard working not a party guy at all. He isn’t proud of the way he handled his ex but I know how eager he was. I fear being her. I fear his insecurity will need reassurance from more than me when – if life gets too calm. I’m attractive but age gets us all. I fear a young pretty girl will eventually steal his attention. Now he is a puppy for me.
He does love me so so well – actually very happy together. Very intimate- a dream in nearly every way- but it feels too good to be true. Is it?? Life is fleeting.
Happiness is rare and terrifying to lose.
Hi Erin. I think a lot of people probably resonate with the deep thoughts and feelings you shared here.
It’s my opinion that we should live life toward what we do want rather than away from what we don’t want. It’s the same direction either way, but one way of living is far more pleasant than the other.
If you’re not sure what I mean by that, you might look up a book called “The Happiness Trap” by Russ Harris and Bev Aisbett.
James
I’m in a 4 yr relationship with a successful man. It was wonderful in the beginning of course. I was told I’m smothering him as we see each other every weekend. He’s constantly trying to make his life happy filling it with younger people partying a lot and materialistic things up the ting yang! I finally had a talk about our relationship which I feel is going backwards instead of forwards. Sometimes I just feel so broken and used. Since We talked it seems better but just so unsure of our future. Maybe we don’t have one? Only time will tell. My eyes are wide open. Just want to be happy with someone who truely loves me.
I have printed this article and all the comments to keep in my desk at work. I need to read this everyday as I recover from a 5 year relationship with a man just as described and worse… even more issues. He is financially broken (in his 50’s), sees no future, has no goals, no hobbies. I thought I would be enough for him to want to improve. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Interestingly a guy I know and dated is this very man. He is damaged and I thought at first he was just unaware how to date and romance women. Turns out he is far more damaged than I realised and I had had it with him. The constant praising him, the emotional support, the lack of anything back to me was tiring and unfulfilling.
Oh sure, his head would swell and his eyes would glisten in a smile being told how wonderful he is etc, but honestly, he wouldn’t go to counselling and it made me sad to think such a terrific guy otherwise, would be so demanding of me without him even trying.
So, it was off to singledom for me, and I hope to find someone who is really there for me and can give me a compliment once in a while.
Great article and one I will definitely bookmark!
I am the damaged guy, and this article is absolutely true. But I don’t tell women I’m damaged or that they’re out of my league (and they are) because I don’t talk to women. I don’t date and ignore flirtation. I don’t allow women into my life in any way.
I don’t want an “emotional guardian” or for you to fix me. You can’t fix me, I won’t allow you to try, and you’ll be nothing except an irritation if you persist. Don’t feed me a bunch of lies about how great I am or how much you want me. I’ll call you a liar to your face and you’ll never see me again.
I’m not bothering you, so just leave me alone. Why is that so hard for women to do? I show no signs of interest and pay them no attention, yet they’re always wanting to talk, or flirt, or trying to make me “feel better” in some condescending way. Then they get mad when I ignore them. Listen, it’s your fault you approached someone who clearly doesn’t want to be approached. Just like women don’t owe me anything, I don’t owe you anything.
Just fuck off and leave me alone. Anything else and it always turns out worse than if we’d never met. Believe this article, leave the guy alone, and go find someone else.
Fair point John. Women, me included, seem to be hard wired to want to rescue the broken. But it is futile. There are definitely men out there, though, who do seek a woman to fix them, to prop them up and reassure them that they are worthwhile.
I like your honesty and respect your desire to be alone.
Good luck with your single life.
Dear John, You are angry 😤 with us. Maybe you have been hurt or rejected. I get that women are nurturers and want to intrude and fix a man who seems detached and unfriendly. I also gather you are not home alone and go to places where you might meet women. You might be rejecting them as a payback or from other reasons. Some women are attracted by your aloofness and untouchability. Woe to them. I understand as I am one of those women.
Thanks James, this article is very true. Actually fell for the mentioned type whom from the beginning claims to be broken – having lost his mother and couldn’t get over the loss. Anyways, time/years went by, hoping to help mend this but to no success. Your hard work and constant love will always become nothing to such men. They won’t appreciate anything but to continuously bring you down to the level of their desire. WHATEVER HIS REASONS, ACCEPT AND MOVE ON!…
Thank you
Wish I had read this 7 years ago. it would have likely saved me from an upcoming divorce.
Me too!! This article is so true it’s amazing. Heed this advice!!
Thanks
Yes, this is very true. I warned my ex and she learned the hard way. Not that I was mean or unfaithful, but she had to put up with my depression and mental illness.
I feel like putting girls thru my issues is a crime against humanity.
Ew, that is such a sad comment to make. Have you tried talking to a doctor, counsellor, or read self-help books to better understand what your issues are? We all have issues, sometimes we don’t even know we have until we start to look within, but until we bring them out into the light from deep within us, examine them and see them for what they are, face them, understand them and banish them from our lives – they will always have a hold over us. Be brave enough to do that – and you may find a supreme peace you’ve never experienced before. If we lock them away and pretend they do not exist, they will eat away at us. We all need each other, we cannot live without the sustenance, care and support provided by other human beings – be that through a one-to-one relationship with someone special, through family and friends or by joining clubs with like-minded people, or giving your time in a voluntary role. Cutting ourselves off from society just makes matters worse. Please try to come to terms with your problems and find some inner peace. I wish you well. Lorna
Well… it is not her fault she didn’t take your warning. You had every reason to back out as well and build yourself up to be a better person! So I would advise against the whole “I warner her” mindset. This article is for people who are unfortunately dating guys who won’t take initiative and back out himself, so she is left with no choice but to leave because he won’t.
Don’t be a downer. I’m a broken one too but I’m taking initiative now and so can you. It’s okay that you wanted love from her — broken or not, we ALL do. But that time wasn’t right because something wasn’t right within you. You deserve to be fixed, but you have to do that fixing. We tend to want someone with us because we’re human, but not realizing its going to affect them.
True you shouldn’t put girls through your issues and it’s wonderful that you recognize that (I need to take a page from your book! I drag guys through my misery like there’s no tomorrow), but you also should be working to improve that instead of saying down int he dumps, because no matter how messed up you think you are, you DESERVE a girl like any othger human does, and you will hurt YOURSELF if you lose her due to your own problems.
So don’t blame others, don’t blame anyone, not even you, and just focus on what you deserve. If anything I look at this article as a warning that I’m not ready yet and I need to make myself ready, because no partner can make me ready. Only I can. And once you do, the flaky people will be cut out of the picture like background noise.
Focus on being healthy. That’s the main gist of the article, whichever side you come from.
James, are you watching my life? Oh my gosh, nearly every article applies. I hooked up with this exact man. His opening was, “you’re WAY above my paygrade…” and I fell for it hook, line and sinker. We began this incredible romance he called being twitterpated (look it up, from the movie Bambi). But, soon, it became exhausting, trying constantly to reassure him I liked (loved) him and had the best intentions for us.
This kind of relationship will rip you to shreds. It may start out on cloud 9 but eventually, sucks the life out of you and worse. A man like this becomes overly sensitive to every little thing you do or say and constantly looks for ways to diminish you and bring you down, perhaps in an effort to see you as equal or maybe even less than him so you are achievable? Who knows but take my advice, or better, James advice. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
Thank you Laura for your additional comments, very very true indeed.
I agree with you 100% and James is looking at my life too. Why is it that men with insecurity and baggage can’t decide to accept themselves the way they are and enjoy the wonderful life that’s offered? I was in a relationship for about 4 years, up and down and I just recently figured out when he started coming around again that he can’t accept me enjoying my life but he won’t commit fully either. He’s never put me down until yesterday. Told me “to grow up and go away”. Fortunately I know he’s only mad at himself because he is so messed up emotionally and can’t admit it. Whew! What an emotional roller coaster I’ve been on and I believe I am finally off!! My advice is to take James’ advice and RUN!