Men are so slow.
Slow to ask for your number. Slow to ask you out. Slow to get married.
eHarmony calls them “snail males,” and for good reason. You could grow Rapunzel hair in the eternity it takes him to make a move.
It doesn’t help that you’re sitting in the passenger seat. Making the first move puts you at risk of putting him off. But there are other ways to speed a man up without kicking him out of the driver’s seat.
Here are three ideas.
- Keep a full social calendar.
When you’re waiting, waiting and waiting some more, weeks can feel like years. So don’t wait for him to make a move. If he’s not calling and asking you out, make your own fun.
Pick up the newspaper and find out if there’s anything interesting going on. Organize a movie night, a barbecue, a picnic in the park. Invite everyone along, even casual acquaintances. Of course, he can come too. If he can get off his glacier.
Making your own fun has several advantages.
(1) It gives you social credibility. It takes effort to make something happen. Sure, sometimes the event won’t happen, or just one or two people will show up, but people will still recognize you and appreciate you for trying.
(2) It keeps you from obsessing over him. You don’t need a man to have a great time. The more fun you’re having without him, the more he’s missing.
(3) You can ask him out without asking him out. There’s nothing forward about inviting a single attractive man along to a group outing. You’re not asking him out. You’re just letting him know about something he might enjoy attending.
- Don’t give him more commitment than he’s given you.
The fastest way to speed up a snail male is to give him no greater commitment than he’s giving you.
If he won’t confirm that you’re boyfriend and girlfriend, then don’t treat him like a boyfriend. Don’t reserve your weekends for him. Don’t drop by with special gifts of your free time. Instead, actively date or spend time with other people.
If he wants to have some space in the relationship, then take some space yourself. He doesn’t get your commitment until he’s committed to you. More importantly, he should know that he doesn’t get forever with you if “forever” is not in his vocabulary.
- Light a fire under him with light-hearted teasing.
Not all men are slow on purpose. Some men are slow because it’s in their nature.
It takes them time to realize what they’re feeling. Time to plan a course of action. Time to mobilize their energy to act.
You can’t speed up a man whose gear is stuck in first. But you can remove red light traffic signals from his path. To do that by giving him risk-free openings to make the next move.
Flirtatious humor is a great technique to smooth the way and make it easy for him to do what you want him to do next.
For example, imagine you’re out socializing when you meet a man you really like. You talk for a while. Things are going great when a natural silence falls. He glances away. You’re sure he’s going to make his excuses and leave. What do you do to indicate you’d like to see him again?
Maybe you sigh. “I’ve been sitting here all evening, and not a single man has asked for my number. It’s enough to make a girl think chivalry is dead.”
He could take the bite and ask you for your number, or he could remark on your comment as if you were just changing topics. Either way, neither of you lose face.
Teasing can involve some risk on your part. Imagine you’re chatting with someone you met online. It’s been a few weeks, and he hasn’t made a move. What do you do to get him to meet you in person?
Maybe you write: “I’m starting to wonder if you’ve got green skin and great scary teeth.” “What! Why?” he replies. You write back: “Because you haven’t asked to meet in person yet. Is there something I should know about? ;-)”
You don’t know if he’ll reply the way you hope he will. But you’ll never know unless you ask.
Although the safest course of action is to do nothing and let him take the lead, waiting on a man to make the next move can be an exercise in frustration.
Take the power back. Don’t put your life on hold for him. Keep busy, stay socially active, and use flirtatious humor to tease out his intentions.
I hate my life. I am 59 and no guy has ever made an effort with me, If I make an effort, that’s wrong, if I don’t make an effort nothing happens. I am an affectionate, caring generous person and kept my life going with optimism and fun activities and a job I like, I am fit, young at heart, and up till now have pushed myself to be outgoing. I am heartbroken and lonely for a descent partner and companion, and never thought I’d be discarded and treated like a nobody waiting for crumbs to fall of the entire male populations table! Let alone now the insult of being viewed as too old, unless the next sleazy 70+year old, or bored husband, thinks they’ll take a pot shot at me, because I should be so lucky. Not what I ever envisioned for my life! It is easy for people to point the finger and say it must be my fault. I am interested to know what the content of any relationship advise is taught to men. Many I have met that have taken the effort to study it, have gone on to be inauthentic “charmers”, heartbreakers and players.
Anne – I recommend the book / coaching program “Calling in the one” … look it up on Amazon. It will change your life.
I am a little confused as to why you can’t ask him out directly for fear of not putting him off…
If he runs away from me showing him I am Interested, does that not tell me he will want me to stop being myself if we were in a long lasting relationship?
I am not great at this gentler art of flirting with words… I do know James has a book about The Art of flirting… maybe should re-read it again…
I met my husband of thirty years by inviting him to a neighborhood fourth of July party. We were in college and he declined, saying he had to build a dog run. The professor embarrassed both of us by scolding him for turning me down, so he came. The rest is history! My present boyfriend said he’d take me fishing when I complained I needed to sell my boat because I have no one to go with. Men need to be wanted and needed, just like children. I agree with Lorna. Sex is important and this guy has a problem, and won’t talk about it. Very frustrating! Three great times, and once he had a problem, so he gave up totally!
I enjoyed the article but there is one point I don’t agree with: ‘You can ask him out without asking him out. There’s nothing forward about inviting a single attractive man along to a group outing.’ I tried this once. I hosted a group outing and invited a man that I was interested in. My women friends went after him right away. In fact, he and I were sitting together talking. One of my friends walked over and immediately started flirting with him. She knows that I am single and would like to meet someone but she did not even ask if he was my date for the evening or if I was interested in him. She just made her move….So much for inviting a single man to a group outing.
Hi Tia,
First let me say that I am sorry that you experienced that betrayal by your friends. I have experienced something of the sort myself. I wonder what would have happened if you had spoken with your friends before hand and let them know, plainly, that you were interested in this man and asked that they don’t pursue him. If they are your friends they will back off and give you your shot. And if they aren’t, you know who not to invite next time.
Best wishes,
Tracey
Love as you want it is actions on his part, love as he wants it is to be catered to with actions on your part. He really wants a mama. You want a husband, he isn’t one.
Married for six months older couple. While in Florida my husband decided we where finished he said I was to moody. He spends all his time on I pad I get frustrated. We have been apart for three months now he wants to start again I am filing for a annulment. Which he agrees to. Should I try again he says he loves me but never shows affection we do not have sex he had prostrate cancer but never hugs our kisses. Me help me
Helen,
Life is too short to be in a loveless/affectionless relationship. You are lucky to have learned about this 6 months in versus 6 years. My ex was always on the computer, then the blackberry, then the iPad. He accused me of being needy and controlling because I asked for attention from him. We had plenty of sex and affection but he was wrapped up in his own little world. He eventually left me after 18 years together. Use this guys leaving you as a gift and don’t look back. There are plenty of sweet loving men out there. I found one and we have been going strong for over 2 years now. I wish you the best of luck
A.B
Just to let you know I really sympathise with how you are feeling. Best of luck to you
Poor, dear Helen – Sex as I understand it does not only mean penetrative sex. Many men have the prostate problem, as well as other erectile disfunction problems. It is possible for him to give YOU fulfilling sex without a penis!! (Remember when we were young, before the Pill was invented?) I have an elderley lady friend, now in her 80s, whose man had this problem. She claimed he still wanted sex, but was unable to perform. If the will is there, he should be able to try alternatives. I also have an elderly male friend, now in his mid 70s, who has had three girlfriends that I know of since his wife died 5 years ago (seeing two at the same time once-over). He has the same problem, but tells me he is still able to satisfy his womenfolk. His new, long-term girlfriend uses a dildo, after they have had some fun. If your man never even shows affection – no kisses, cuddles, hugs, foreplay – there is no chance of you ever getting “in the mood”. My boyfriend is able to get me in the mood with loving kisses and caresses, although he also has a problem with erectile disfunction (he drinks too much). A loving relationship should include some sort of sex – it is the cement, the bonding agent, that keeps a couple together. You need to decide whether you want this to be part of your relationship or not. It sounds to me as though it does, or you would not mention it. And do not feel guilty about wanting it, as I did – it is natural between two people who love each other and want to show this. You should be able to talk about it, be open and honest, and do something about it. However, men find it VERY difficult to discuss this and ask for help, as it is a huge blow to their male pride, so don’t be surprised if he clams up. He probably needs counselling – and you need to be part of it, too. I would want to sort this out before I considered going back to an unfulfilled marriage. You have the whip handle at the moment. If he is not willing, it seems he just wants a housekeeper. I wish you luck. With lots of hugs!! Lorna