What does it mean when a man claims a woman was “high-maintenance?” In the private conversations men have, what do they say to justify the high-maintenance label?
First of all, I’m not a fan of labels, particularly negative ones. But this particular label gets used enough to raise my suspicion that it might represent something real. It might represent a cluster of ideas or beliefs men have about the behavior they see in some women, but not others.
I did some research and discovered men don’t even know what the term means. Or at least they disagree about what it means. However, there were a few common themes in the majority of descriptions I gathered. Those themes revealed something interesting about what men want. I thought I’d share my discoveries.
It’s a bad thing to be labeled as a “high-maintenance” woman in the mind of a man you would like to form a relationship with. That’s really the crux of the matter, isn’t it? So let’s get to the bottom of what that label really means, so you can guard against that reputation if you so choose.
It seems men have at least one of the following three general concepts of what high-maintenance means:
- “She requires a lot of time and demands constant attention.”
- “She is focused on image and appearance in shallow ways that cost me a lot of money.”
- “She is quick to anger, excessively sensitive to interpersonal slights, and slow to forgive.”
Something struck me as particularly significant as I considered these broad categories that each capture core themes in the concerns men have about “high-maintenance” behavior. You see, as I studied the psychology of men, and what makes them fall for women, one of the most important principles I discovered was that men are obsessed with freedom. All three ways of conceptualizing “high-maintenance” behavior contain something that threatens a man’s freedom.
A high-maintenance woman will reduce a man’s freedom by draining his money, his time, or his emotional reserves (primarily patience). To use a feminine metaphor, a high-maintenance woman is like long, thick hair (and bangs) that requires a lot of time, attention, and maintenance. Or, to use a more stereotypically masculine metaphor, a high-maintenance woman is kind of like a motorcycle that constantly requires repairs and adjustments to function right.
What do guys want? They want freedom. They want the freedom to act goofy once in a while rather than walking on eggshells to maintain appearances. They want to feel appreciated for the money they earn, without expenses that make them feel inadequate or unable to provide. They want to be able to pursue adventure and friendships beyond the romantic relationship they enjoy.
Another way to say it would be this. Men seem to want a woman who will fit like a glove, comfortably becoming a part of his life without changing him with demands he feels unable to satisfy in the long-term. It sounds nice, but honestly, I think that’s asking a bit too much. In fact, the men who tend to use the “high-maintenance” term tend to be a bit “high-maintenance” themselves.
Here’s what I mean. They are the kind of men who are very particular about what they want, unwilling to morph their life to meet a partner halfway, co-creating something new and beautiful. Compromise and finding new ways of appreciating life are important parts of developing a quality relationship with someone of the opposite sex. So if there is anything I’ve learned from my research on the “high-maintenance” term, it’s that women should avoid men who use it.
James
P.S. This was just a little side project fueled by my personal curiosity, but I have spent years cultivating a deep knowledge base regarding the triggers that make a man really want to be with some women, and not others. If you would like to leverage my years of research and experience in this area, you owe it to yourself to get a copy of my home study program, What Men Secretly Want. You can get a copy and begin studying it tonight.
High maintenance women are very selfish, greedy, spoiled, and very money hungry as well since it is always about them all the time since they’re the worst type of a woman for a man to get involved with. I will certainly never go with that type of a woman for a man like me that is looking for a woman that isn’t like that at all which they are everywhere nowadays unfortunately. I know friends that really did get hurt by these type of women since they always like to be treated like a queen since all they want is for men to spend money on them all the time which makes these women very sad and pathetic altogether. And when you compare the women of today to the women of years ago which is quite a change how they’re today when they were never like that at all years ago since they hardly had any money in those days since they really had to struggle along with their men to make ends meat which it was very tough back then compared to today. I will just be very happy to meet a good woman that will accept a good man like me for who i am since i do make enough money just to get by which it is good enough for me.
Mark, you seem very angry and hurt as you consider the term. Please just keep in mind that we are all influenced by many things outside of our control. These forces often cause us to take on ways of acting that turn others away. Here at beirresistible.com the aim is to learn to understand for the sake of self-improvement. When you see the opportunity, look for the real person beneath the labels people use on the surface. There’s often somebody beautiful underneath the layers of confusion.
High maintenance women are usually very big spenders.
So – after reading all these comments, now I am completely confused. It would seem that some people consider that being “high maintenance” is the same thing as being “difficult”. Another term that is thrown around a lot these days. I understood that “high maintenance” involved excessive expenditure of time and money – it being expensive and time-consuming to “upkeep” and maintain a desirable image and life-style – i.e. involving excessive visits to the salon, hairdresser, nail bar, etc. Taking unreasonable amounts of time and money to maintain this high standard of grooming. Expecting to be wined and dined at expensive venues (without contributing to the cost). Driving an expensive car or expecting to be driven in one. Taking expensive holidays, week-ends away, etc. Being seen in the “right” places. Expecting to live in an expensive house in an expensive district. Sending the kids to an expensive school. Mixing with the “in-set”. Whereas being “difficult” I understood means that a person has high personal moral standards and expectations, beyond what the other person in the relationship is prepared to agree with and take on board. In both cases, it is surely what each one in the relationship is comfortable with. As I see it, if two people are compatible in all these aspects, and nothing is causing conflict, then there is nothing to worry about or change – their needs are being met. Everyone has different standards. It’s only when one or other is not happy with the situation and there is no movement towards compromise, that things get difficult to live with and unacceptable. Then, I guess it is a case of what we are prepared to put up with and overlook – before we possibly finally snap, look elsewhere and move on. Back to “compromise”, again. And “communication”. If these two things are lacking, there is no hope – move on!! Or, alternatively, “put up and shut up” – but we know that that doesn’t work for long! However, in some cases it is the only way forward for the time being – depending on circumstances!! It is not always black and white and an easy decision to make. Life isn’t like that. That’s my take on it. Lorna
Yup, that’s a good perspective to keep in mind, Lorna. Thank you.
James
I wonder if my boyfriend is high maintenance?
We’ve had rough times going from “rags to riches” ….
Living on the streets to getting good jobs, driving brand new cars.
He was different when we had nothing. Humble, or not as anal as he is now.
I can’t even set my (rubberized case, mind you)cell phone on his car without him scolding me that I’ll scratch it!
Talk about total turn off.
I don’t even think I can “think on that level” or what may have you.
Maybe it’s because I’ve experienced more of what I consider to be “real loss”? He’s only lost his grandmother at a young age, I’ve lost my father, recently my best friend (that I find still hard getting over) other close friends in death. That’s an area we can’t find common grounds on… But it definitely, all the life changing experience I’ve dealt with at a younger age than he, could possibly just be the reason that makes all the difference? I don’t take as many things for granted as he does. I honestly value my differences, and take pride that I am of a different breed… He’s a follower when it comes to the norm, but a great leader at work. I don’t understand it really. What should I do?
Hey Kimberley. It sounds like you want him to enjoy life more and stress out less over little things. His stress robs your relationship of much of the fun and beauty it would otherwise have.
Maybe you also see him as being less emotionally mature. Because he puts a scratch on his car at a higher priority than your feelings.
That old saying “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” doesn’t apply here. Because who wants to “join ’em” when that means getting stressed and irritable over little things.
So that means you have to get him to join you instead. Start small. Don’t try to fix the problem. Instead, just think of the smallest possible way to encourage him in the right direction. Let momentum build over time.
James
Kimberley, I would wonder if this is all about his pride and self-esteem? A man’s pride is everything to him. James once wrote an article on “respect”, I believe. A man feels completely emasculated if he is not in a position to be “respected”. Hence, I imagine he hated it when you lived on the streets. Now he has the wherewithall to be “respected” – i.e. via the posh car. Just try to take this all on board, and see it from this angle. Don’t let it bother you that he does not want his car scratched. Many, many men are the same about their cars. It is his pride and joy – his proof that he is worthy of respect. He has achieved something he can show to the rest of the world. Let him have this little toy – this proof of his masculinity. It is a small price to pay. A man’s car has always been his penis-extension – from way, way back. (Probably it was his horse before cars were invented!! Hence the Knight in Shining Armour charging in on his huge white stallion to rescue us feeble females!!). Why don’t you offer to wash and polish it for him? Maybe that will prove to him that you cherish it, too – just as much as you cherish his masculinity (and his penis!!). And NEVER forget to do that!! Women’s lib has inadvertently taken away a lot of men’s masculinity. Just remember to rub his ego once in a while – it will make such a difference. You’ll see!! Men are such simple souls, really, you know, and never really grow up. There’s always the little boy still inside there, wanting your approval and love. Lorna
Hi James
I really enjoy your emails all the time it’s interesting you have done this one High maintenance as my partner uses this term all the time not to me! I must state but usually if he seems a women with fake nails fake tan loads of make up expensive clothes. It seems to really make his skin cruel. I asked him 1 day why he doesn’t like high maintenance women and most of its because of the money, he said your never have any money because she will be spending It on crap. Ie fake tan jewellery etc.
It’s a shame you have put avoid these men! As he is doesn’t show his feelings much, but I am a mum already and he will do any thing for my kids, he will do any thing for me.
Your right in saying he is stubborn and won’t waste money but I’m also like that. He loves to treat the kids.
I’m not sure your understanding of avoid these men are correct. You do have some truth in what you have said, but I think some more research is needed in why men use this term and some are very kind loving men!!
Kind regards kate
Yeah, you make a good point, Kate. There are always exceptions to every rule.
James
I’m in a high maintenance situation. We trigger each other’s high maintenance buttons yet I can’t seem to walk away. Why? Personal growth. Learning to work through things. My greatest fear – the other woman – has appeared and being on opposite sides of the continent did nothing to lessen the nausea. I literally felt like vomiting at the thought of them having sex. Fortunately I enacted the ugly vicious scenes alone in the privacy of my own home. I’ve come through Armageddon ‘ including feeling suicidal – and now? Truly liberated. I feel free and actually less of a slave to where the relationship goes. A bit like watching a video. Undoubtedly we have a very powerful effect on each other but there are good things about it too. Growth. Learniing not to sabotage and grow. I never know where things are at between us but that’s a good thing because I constantly have to let go. It lets me give myself permission to be me 100% free of reacting to what he’s doing. He’s a lot younger than me which is unusual for me. I’ve never fantasised about a younger man. In fact I’ve fought it all the way saying why on earth would he ever find me attractive when there are so many beautiful young women around? But I think this is my lesson – to feel great about being my age and we’re all attractive at any age. I’ve been through a crisis now it’s about feelng fabulous. Life will use anything it can against you. The important thing is that you remain soft enough to let it bounce off. All profound experiences enrichen you. You also must learn to love and embrace it to the full and keep growing in joy and enthusiasm. I wouldn’t have missed this experience for the world, including the deep hurt and pain. It’s made me far less emotionally shut down and is making me work on my nasty vindictive side which, clearly, I’d rather not be reminded of. It’s making me surmount my ego so that I’m glad to be me and not see myself in competition with any other woman. I truly hope we can be friends. There’s too much to lose if we aren’t.. BTW luv ya James. Your Mum must be deeply proud! What an amazing sin she has!
Oop! That should say “son” not “sin”!?
LOL
Thanks for clarifying that! 😀
Can we firstly agree that James has vast amounts of relationship counseling experience and that I have little or none? And secondly, that he is, as far as I know, happily married, while I am still looking for my irresistible woman? (I’m a paid subscriber to this site because his advice is *so* good, but he unfortunately has nothing comparable for guys.)
Having said that, it seems to me that James only covered one of the four quadrants of high-maintenance: The case where a guy says a girl is high-maintenance while he himself is high-maintenance (we can’t clearly tell from the article whether she really is or not, so let’s say they both are). The other possible cases are these: 1) She is, but he isn’t. 2) He is, but she isn’t. 3) She isn’t, and he isn’t.
High-maintenance really does exist. If I see most women as high-maintenance, the problem is likely me. But if I see only a subset of women as high-maintenance, then in some cases the problem may be them. There is a high-maintenance person in my life who routinely feigns helplessness and pushes his problems on others. He wants people to do stuff for him, even when he can do so for himself. Maintaining a decent relationship with him requires well developed and enforced boundaries. If we weren’t family, I would choose not to invest my time, energy, or emotion in him. High-maintenance really does exist, but as James indirectly suggested, it isn’t an exclusively or even characteristically female trait.
Joan and Waterfall brought up cars, so I’ll borrow their analogy for a minute: Jaguars are gorgeous and fun to drive, but they’re always in the shop. By comparison, my Honda Civic looks great, runs great, and hasn’t yet needed unscheduled maintenance after 120K miles. But I also regularly fill it up, change the oil, do the maintenance, wash it, wax it, and take it everywhere. Why? Cause I love my car. How much more then would I do for a woman that I love?
Interesting comments, Neil. Thanks for adding your insights.
Hi, I like your comments. I agree that sometimes we may meet men or women with some high-maintenance habits. I think that if two people get together, they have to have respect, understanding, love and communication. They have to work on a relationship because it’s not all one sided. High-maintenance is used as a negative term, when actually there is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself, and wearing nice clothes, being independent, sharing with people, being a perfectionist, indulging in the best things in life, especially if you can afford it all.Sometimes people judge others in a negative light because it’s exactly what they are not. There are many people who do not like you if you’re wealthy, intelligent, beautiful, confident and successful. Those are the people that need to truly look at themselves and their issues..
The definition of high maintenance women are false eyelashes and fake fingernails.
I must be the luckiest woman alive. I joined a dating website with the intent to find, at least, a boyfriend. How else does a 61 year old woman meet men? There were a lot of losers, voyeurs and weirdos but I was on a quest! And within 6 months I met the absolute man of my dreams. We each think the other is wonderful , say so often, respect each other, laugh our heads off and make every day count.
Very early on, I told him in an email (I can express my thoughts more clearly in writing and I was a little bit chicken about being so blunt!) that I was on a search for a true partner in life and laid out my expectations for a relationship. I told him I thought he was fun, attractive and I admired his accomplishments and that if he wasn’t in the market for the same thing I was, that while I wasn’t giving him the heave-ho just yet…he was just too damned much fun!…I would have to eventually move on. He was receptive, enthusiastic and appreciated my honesty.
We are getting married in February (my 1st, his 2nd) and are so happy I have to knock on wood! It’s a lot of work-for both of us- but ever so worth it. Ladies…he’s out there, you just have to keep true to yourself, try to enjoy the journey and keep looking.
Thanks for sharing your positive experience with everyone, Cate. It really helps when a few people add their success stories to inspire others with hope.
Cate, Lucky, lucky you!! Have a wonderful, fun-filled wedding day, and a happy, peaceful life. At 68, I wish I could be in the same position. I keep looking. Maybe one day! Lorna
I also agree on the high maintainance issue
Men that do you use term and use the term drama often are both themselves. I am on dating sites and men lose interest quicKY
I equate the dating sites to a candy store. They have too many choices and keep moving around. Most are very lazy and want you to make the first move which I won’t do. Step up to the plate. I don’t want a lazy man EVER
There’s a way you have to play to get there attention once you have the nack of doing they will always make the effort to come to you!!
It is a real good thing that these type of women didn’t work as hard as the women of years ago did, they would’ve been in a lot of trouble since they really would’ve had it real tough.
High Maintenance Women are very expensive.
Yes it’s right. Even the perfect hair needs some in the least minimal treatment otherwise it won’t look good. Same for the car. Annual tech service is a must. It would be weird if hair will shine without washing at least once a week or if the car works and works ten years with the same oil and no gas in the tank. That’s how too available feels for a car/ hair owner.:))
And I used to have a high maintenance car – worst experience. Poor men ..:)))
James, what about the opposite extreme? Following your funny analogies, the lower the better. But it will make a woman too available that kills the spark. What is the right balance?
Hmmm…I’ll have to ponder that. Interesting counterpoint.
My hair is long and thick I hate them James
There are plenty of high maintenance women today, and it is all about money for them.
You Make Me Laugh…! 🙂 Thanks James….Interesting Research On The Phrase.. And I Mean The Laughing Part In A Very Good Way. Looking For And Expecting Reciprocity, Is Powerful For Both Men And Women. Thanks For The Thought Provoking…..Thoughts. 🙂 Tina
Now first of all. High maintence women is basically a women who expects things in a relationship and demands things rewlly early like marriage or kids. Yes of course there are going to be many men and women who are out there for casual sex because they can’t deal eith the pressures of a relationship. The reason why men probably don’t want to have children is because they take so much responsability, trust and most importanly actually having a future together. Some men aren’t just going to have kids just because they can. It’s faaar too risky. Imagine having to pay child support for 18 years with a women you probably loved but she had no intrest in you so she ended up leaving. It’s not just guys but girls also although they may enjoy spending time with someone they love sometimes getting in a relationship is not often going to make you happier. If you can’t allow a man or woman freedom in a relationship of course they’re going to leave you, it has nothing to do with them being lazy but it’s about whether you are happy and you should feel just as entitled to say that you are not ready.
This sounds like a man talking
Yep, but how long does it take someone to say they are not ready? 14 years? It’s a bit late when the family has been made.
Thank you James 🙂 It was very well explained and I enjoyed it. The first part was pretty obvious or very similar to what everyone says: “guys want freedom that’s all, give them that, depends on that your happines”. Of course we want to make our man happy but there are a lot of circumstances for a relationship to work and is not always 100% one side. I’m glad you added something valuable to that previous info by saying that some men are not being realistic either when setting those expectations or by wanting that in a woman. We both have different needs and at the same time the same one: wanting to feel safe and like we can be ourselves in a relationship. And by safe I mean just having trust, commitment, patience, etc. It’s responsability of both parties to work on the relationship and understand each other 🙂 Not just the women! Altho, of course, cultivating our knowledge about male psycholoy it’s already an advantage 🙂 Hugs from Peru!
I agree with Tracy O’Brien. I had one that repeatedly said he was a traditional male. He would pick up sticks in the yard and I could do four grown men’s laundry, cook home made meals, clean the house and do the dishes (no dish washer or disposal) AND have a full time job with a split shift. The oldest, he assigned to do HIS chores. After 27 married years and 9 divorced years alone; I’ve found a wonderful man that meets me half way. We both respect one another and truly care about the relationship. We both agree that the other is the best thing that has happened to us in the past 10 years. I’m thankful I took my time to find a gentleman who also was willing to take his time.
I like that you give a different view on many things. The bottom line is that any relationship requires some effort from BOTH parties. If one does most of the work, the other one gets bored because there is no change or interaction that results in stimulation. Stimulation does not have to be sexual interaction….. most good relationships I have known or seen have been when each have found what interests and excites the other’s mind and uses that information to keep the other happy. (After all, most of sex attraction comes from the mind first). So when a man calls a woman “high maintenance” it is because things are out of balance between the two…. men can be “high maintenance” too by being self-centered and lazy also. And I agree, James, when you discover that…… RUN!!!!
Dee