What does it mean when a man claims a woman was “high-maintenance?” In the private conversations men have, what do they say to justify the high-maintenance label?
First of all, I’m not a fan of labels, particularly negative ones. But this particular label gets used enough to raise my suspicion that it might represent something real. It might represent a cluster of ideas or beliefs men have about the behavior they see in some women, but not others.
I did some research and discovered men don’t even know what the term means. Or at least they disagree about what it means. However, there were a few common themes in the majority of descriptions I gathered. Those themes revealed something interesting about what men want. I thought I’d share my discoveries.
It’s a bad thing to be labeled as a “high-maintenance” woman in the mind of a man you would like to form a relationship with. That’s really the crux of the matter, isn’t it? So let’s get to the bottom of what that label really means, so you can guard against that reputation if you so choose.
It seems men have at least one of the following three general concepts of what high-maintenance means:
- “She requires a lot of time and demands constant attention.”
- “She is focused on image and appearance in shallow ways that cost me a lot of money.”
- “She is quick to anger, excessively sensitive to interpersonal slights, and slow to forgive.”
Something struck me as particularly significant as I considered these broad categories that each capture core themes in the concerns men have about “high-maintenance” behavior. You see, as I studied the psychology of men, and what makes them fall for women, one of the most important principles I discovered was that men are obsessed with freedom. All three ways of conceptualizing “high-maintenance” behavior contain something that threatens a man’s freedom.
A high-maintenance woman will reduce a man’s freedom by draining his money, his time, or his emotional reserves (primarily patience). To use a feminine metaphor, a high-maintenance woman is like long, thick hair (and bangs) that requires a lot of time, attention, and maintenance. Or, to use a more stereotypically masculine metaphor, a high-maintenance woman is kind of like a motorcycle that constantly requires repairs and adjustments to function right.
What do guys want? They want freedom. They want the freedom to act goofy once in a while rather than walking on eggshells to maintain appearances. They want to feel appreciated for the money they earn, without expenses that make them feel inadequate or unable to provide. They want to be able to pursue adventure and friendships beyond the romantic relationship they enjoy.
Another way to say it would be this. Men seem to want a woman who will fit like a glove, comfortably becoming a part of his life without changing him with demands he feels unable to satisfy in the long-term. It sounds nice, but honestly, I think that’s asking a bit too much. In fact, the men who tend to use the “high-maintenance” term tend to be a bit “high-maintenance” themselves.
Here’s what I mean. They are the kind of men who are very particular about what they want, unwilling to morph their life to meet a partner halfway, co-creating something new and beautiful. Compromise and finding new ways of appreciating life are important parts of developing a quality relationship with someone of the opposite sex. So if there is anything I’ve learned from my research on the “high-maintenance” term, it’s that women should avoid men who use it.
James
P.S. This was just a little side project fueled by my personal curiosity, but I have spent years cultivating a deep knowledge base regarding the triggers that make a man really want to be with some women, and not others. If you would like to leverage my years of research and experience in this area, you owe it to yourself to get a copy of my home study program, What Men Secretly Want. You can get a copy and begin studying it tonight.
Thumbs up!
What about the man who says that he wants a “high maintenance” girl? What is he really looking for? Bitch appeal and rejection?
Dear Crang,
I hope you do know that sex to men is like food to a hungry man. If you don’t give it to him, he WILL look for it elsewhere. And it may have nothing to do with how he feels about you. So, yeah, if my guy is forced to feed outside out of starvation I will forgive him, but if he does it out of the mere desire for variety then I would consider it to be an act of betrayal. And I will treat him like the dog that he is. By the dog & cat analogy, we do not intend to I relate human morality with animalistic behavior.
Lifera, women often don’t give a man sex because their needs are not being met elsewhere in the relationship. Generally speaking, if a woman does not feel loved and respected, she will not feel like opening up her legs. It could also be that her man is selfish or just plain crap in bed in bed.
Lifera,
It strikes me after reading your comments that there is a lot of power in learning to communicate with men differently in order to bring out his best and communicate your needs and wants.
I use the symbolism of cats and dogs to remind me how to convey my message and to modify my expectations…. If women are the dogs and men are the cats…. take it from there. eg; If I want affection from my cat, I behave differently to when I want affection from my dog… and my expectations are very different. I expect my dog to greet me enthusiastically when I get home, wereas I dont expect that same attention from my cat! Why do I love them equally but have different measures and expectation? I guess it is because I understand that they both fulfill different roles and have vastly different makeups…. There in lies the difficulty of finding happiness from a man! Once your expectations are changed, your happiness and contentment seems to come more easily… and I simply look elsewhere for much of what I expected from a man in the past…. it works for me. Wish I had worked this out 30 years ago… :))
Nice analogy Odette, makes a lot of sense. The only problem is, with the kind of person I am, I think I’m better off alone than being with a man who expects all from me while giving nothing in return, to the extent that I have to look for elsewhere for much of what I expect from a man. Our expectations are not really unrealistic, in fact, they are what makes a relationship healthy and fulfilling. Frankly, that’s why I don’t like cats, they are lazy, selfish and lack loyalty. They expect you to feed them, pet them, love them and take good care of them. Yet, if they your neighbor provides them with better food they can totally disappear on you. And what you get in return is the mere satisfaction of their presence in your life. Dogs, on the other hand, love you unconditionally, they laugh with you, cry with you, play with you, and their loyalty…unmatched. If your neighbor happens to serve some delicacies, sure they’ll eat, but they will always come back home to you, where they believe they belong. Now that’s a pet that I am willing to invest my time and money taking good care of.
Hah, I love cats but by this description I just dated man that acts like a cat – a tom cat. Moves from woman to woman doesn’t care who he hurts along the way – total commitmaphobe. Funny thing is the he hates cats.
@Lifera,
I suppose what I have changed about my interactions with men is not that I have fewer or lower expectations, but that I have thought very long and carefully about what I am looking for and what I need from the relationship and him in order for me to be the companion he would enjoy to be around.
Its a lot harder than it sounds when you really fine tune your wishes…. and then communicating them to him early in the relationship is where I have found it has the most impact.
I am no longer apprehensive about explaining what I want and I don’t ask him to provide anything… simply respect my journey …. I have found that most men light up and feel wonderfully enthusiastic when they are clear in their own mind what page you are on.
Having things clear in your own mind allows him to relax and be the man he feels most comfortable being… and taking the guesswork out avoid the hit and miss scenarios that drive men crazy with frustration.
I guess I have learned to talk to the cat in cat language, rather than try to get the cat to understand the dog!!
Cheers
Dear Odette,
I understand where you are coming from, and to be honest, your method is what will work well with most men of these days. It comes as no surprise that a lot of men would be happy to be with a woman who expects little from them (who wouldn’t?). With this philosophy you may not have much trouble keeping a man, especially one who thinks the relationship is not worth much of his sacrifice. And if, in return, he doesn’t demand much from you, then it could be a nice ”friends with benefits” kinda set-up (…I’m not judging). The important thing is that it works for you. It may change the whole dynamics of that a relationship should be in the sense of two people coming together and committing to love, care and support one another for a very long time; or what a man’s role should be as the strong, protective provider. And, if more women adopt this way of thinking, soon there will be a lot of selfish men who don’t think they need to work for the success of a relationship and more women who are frustrated because they are giving more than they are getting from a relationship.
It is good to know the kind of person you are, and I am the kind who will be frustrated with this kind of set-up. But if some women believe that they are strong and that this is something that they have to do in order to have a man in their lives, then by all means go for it!
Middle aged and mostly single after a failed 20 year marriage, it occurred to me after meeting so many men that wont read self help books to figure out what they might be doing that is saboutaging their chances of success…. they keep doing the same things over and over…. same results ensue!! These men are single BECAUSE they dont feel there is anything they should do differently…. no flexibility, little tolerance and no sacrifice….. no meeting a woman half way… not even a third of the way.
It is up to us women to make our conditions known clearly, respectfully and without emotion. Maybe then men might hear us! We must stop over functioning and compensating for selfish lazy men… then maybe they might be driven to stand up and take notice.
Happily married men that I know have learned this from patient confident clear communicating women….. and its a win win!
Thank James for making this very clear…. you certainly make a great point….
Even a dog he would feel too much work as he has to feed the dog, giving him a both…etc.
A guy whom I knew complained to me one time that his ex gf asked him to help her fixing something for the house, he was so unhappy, saying that she made a lot of money and why can’t she hire someone to fix it. They were living in a different city requires flying over. he claimed that he wanted to come here to see her and have good time with her, not to come to fix stuff for her…..I was just speechless…
Lol!!!
Reading this article, I was thinking, here we go again another lecture on how I need to change and adapt to keep my man interested in me. I was so happy to get to the end just to find out I was wrong. I do beleive that we as women have to learn to be happy with ourselves so we don’t place demands on men to meet all of our needs BUT its nice to hear you say that the man has a responsibility as well to make compromises for the sake of a good and lasting relationship. Thanks! I really needed to hear that 🙂
James, thanks so much for this. I was wondering your thoughts on the Rules book. It first came out in 1995 and has been re-released to include modern technology. Have you read it and what do you think about it?
I like the article. But It’s fair to reach both sides of story.
High maintenance is a sexist expression invented probably by media. It’s so generic because it needs to cover all relationship issues.
There are indeed guys who complain too much, or just unable to keep a relationship running. There are also girls who absorb so much resources that it makes it overwhelming for a guy to keep giving. After all, is a matter of compatibility.
But whatever gender you are, if you repeatedly fail to relate to opposite sex , there are potential maintenance issues.
It felt so good to hear from someone what I have been feeling inside for a long time: I should be met halfway. Thank you, James, for giving me this bit of much needed validation.
A level of “high maintenance” is required as in (time, effort and outcome):
-Maintenance of a home so it doesn’t leak and parts come crashing down
-Maintenance of a car so it continues to run smoothly
-Maintenance in a career or work to achieve success
-Maintenance for building good family and friendship dynamics
-Maintenance in a healthy, long term relationship to keep it from springing a leak, come crashing down, so it runs smoothly, is successful and maintains that level of peak performance to thrive and to radiate joy and loving feelings.
Well said James !
I must say tho that your point sounds like a smoky mirror effect …… I’ve noticed it in men in a relationship , mine and others ; that they put up some protest or dislike to women’s needs / maintenance when in actual fact it’s their needs / maintenance that are ‘ apparently ‘ important or more necessary at that time .
Also it seems like some primal instinct of men , a man who’s survival instinct is what she would be soo taken by that she would be willing to I dont I suppose follow him to the ends of the ……
I believe we can gain in a relationship by the example of yin and yang .
James, is it possible that what men complain about the most when with a woman (high maintenance, spends too much keeping up her appearance, always wants to be taken to fancy places, plays hard to get, etc) is actually something that makes them view that woman as a ‘catch’ and as such will constantly be trying to impress her and try his hardest to keep her interested?
The reason I ask is that I’ve seen women who act exactly like that; very entitled, expect a man to make all (or at least most of) the effort, constantly be buying them things or being wined and dined and although men complain about it, those are the women that hold their interest. Something to do with the ‘hunt’ aspect of it. Whereas the women who are ‘low maintenance’ by comparison; are happy to go wherever the guy wants to go on dates, are attractive but don’t need to spend hours and thousands of dollars every month in personal upkeep and new clothes, do make time for the guy and be available for him (like the ‘dream woman’ in the above comments) but they quickly lose the respect of the man as she’s not much of a challenge to impress.
Can’t have it both ways, guys!
Good point, Vivian. Actually, what happens is that men who want “the hunt” and nothing but “the hunt” pursue a woman who seems like a challenge, but they are not the kind of men you want to attract into your life. They are enjoying the fun of chasing women, but not looking for a woman to be in a committed relationship with. If they were looking for commitment, they would look for someone who meets their needs, someone who connects with them genuinely on an emotional level. The fun of having “achieved” the hunt wares off pretty quick, leaving both the woman and the man ready for the next short-term fling. You see a lot of action there because those people are always in and out of relationships, while the more stable people are quietly going about the business of building real relationships that last.
so true James!
Hmmm, your description of what these men want really describes my first marriage. I remember him telling me, after about 6 years of marriage, that he saw marriage as finding a woman who would be totally into all the things he liked, that she would be waiting for him when he got home, ready to just jump in the truck and go where ever he wanted to go and do what he wanted to do.
When I quit laughing, my only remark was, “You don’t want a wife…you want a dog!”
Unfortunately, this really was what he expected a marriage to be. Needless to say, we’re no longer married. But I’m finding this attitude is fairly prevalent. I’m on a dating site and I’ve found it interesting how many men are totally focused on themselves in any conversation I have with them.
I really appreciate the way you round out the subject, James. After so many years of being told that I had to do all the work to fix our marriage, it’s refreshing to have someone call the men out to man up and make some changes as well. Thanks for challenging both sexes to higher behaviour!
I hope he finds a nice dog to spend his life with! Your story made me laugh out loud.
But it is so true!
There is a natural imbalance of expectations. And an almost unwritten requirement for women to “be there” for their man. While at the same time when do men learn that they need to “be there” for their woman….. Rarely!
Yes the idea of the dog is perfect, except they don’t cook and clan and…….
Maybe your idea of a blog for men is needed. . .To give them some insight on how to be a PARTNER. My fear – that most men and especially the ones who need it, just won’t read it, let alone follow any of the tips and pointers. Such a loss.
Definitely communicating with men early on is key to weeding out dog wanters/chasers/lovers, lol. I HATE DATING SITES. But, most men have never encountered a woman who can draw him out before showing her Aces and letting him play. If you communicate first and sex last, it makes it a lot easier to weed them out….unless you are a strong enough woman to separate the 2. I am not. So communication and finding out who the person really is has been key for me 🙂
Interesting thoughts.
I really enjoyed your post, James. I believe at the core of any relationship requires us to be true to ourselves, accept another as they are and be willing to co-create and work towards the vision that we have for the relationship. In the 3+ years since my divorce I haven’t found that yet. And maybe high maintenance really is a form of immaturity. I know it takes 2 for any relationship to succeed or fail so I guess it boils down to what is one willing to accept and tolerate.
You’ve made a very true observation James and we thank you for your frankness. For a long time I have wondered why most men I know don’t want to meet a woman half way in a relationship, their dream woman is one who puts them & their needs first in her life, who doesn’t make demands on their time but is always there when they need her and who doesn’t complain. While they, on the other hand, are free to continue to live their life as they please. To be in a relationship with these kind of men is to be miserable. So thanks for warning us James. You’re the first expert I know to point out how realistic & selfish the demands of these kind of men are (others want women to jump hoops to please men). I just wish there were more men out there who see a relationship as something that requires the work of both parties. Society expects a woman to be the one to work to save her marriage or relationship. And majority of men, by their selfish nature, would love it if they could just take what they want and not care about what the woman wants. Honestly James, you & I both know that there are few good men out there, so is it worth the trouble to try to find one? It’s like searching for a needle in a hay sack. Sometimes it’s just best to resign things to destiny. But I’m not saying you should stop, we enjoy your invaluable advice and profound insight into the minds of both sexes. I subscribe for the wisdom, not for the hope of finding Mr. Right (I believe that is already written in our destiny).
Very interesting thoughts, Lifera. Maybe I am too hopeful, but I really do believe you can find a quality man if you hone your skills for filtering out the selfish ones. Destiny is a mystery to me, but I cannot help but agree with you that it is present, in tandem, with our unfolding choices.
Yes James, and that’s why I’m here. To acquire the skills that will be in tandem with my unfolding destiny. Luck, they say, is being prepared when opportunity comes knocking. So when destiny does send Mr. Right my way I should be prepared to make a blissful life with him given that I would have acquired the wisedom to keep a man happy, earn his love & respect and maintain balance in the relationship. So thanks again for sharing your knowledge with us.
To my boyfriend I believe it would be “packs too heavy”. He really scolds whenever I pack too heavy reminding me that he has backpacked in Europe and that you have to be able to jump on and off conveyances with the one light bag you’re carrying.
“Right on James”, as I think you would say in America. (I am English, by the way). You have absolutely hit the nail on the head. I was getting rather worried reading this article, thinking, Oh my goodness, maybe that is my problem, I am too high maintenance, I must be putting men off, and was astounded when you turned it round on the men. You are quite right. If a man cannot meet us ladies half way (and vice versa), and expect to still live their lives selfishly only thinking of their needs, then there is no hope of ever having a wonderful, close, loving, caring relationship where each can trust the other and know that they are there for each other completely and absolutely (forsaking all others). I am 65 and I know things have changed a lot since I started courting over 50 years ago, but caring and consideration and trust should surely still be paramout in any loving relationship. I was maried for almost 40 years and have been separated and divorced for 5 years. I am hoping and praying I will meet someone good and kind before my days are over, but I am beginning to think that most people these days are “high maintenance” and do not really want to commit fully. Well, it is their loss – they don’t know what they are missing!!
The most important thing in life is “just to love and be loved in return”.
Alone is a very lonely place indeed.
Thank you, once again for a wonderful insight into human psychology, James. LaLa
Thanks, LaLa!
Touché! I agree and feel similarly. I too was married for over 33 years and have been separated for 5 and divorced for 2 years now. I was never high maintenance in any of the categories but yes indeed my ex sure was! As a narcassist his ego was front and center. Don’t miss it one little bit!
. . My love interest now might use the term lightly as I do long for a more committed relationship and tire of “soon” while he gets his life in order. But the basic premise of sharing and compromising are paramount to a fulfilling relationship. I am eager to have this as I realize I never did. Imagine half my life spent with someone who didn’t compromise! So sad. So now I will not settle. No indeed. I fully intend to be in an open and loving relationship or none at all!! I am more tolerant (weird but true), and have learned to be a me to apologize and be patient. This time around neither of us will be “high-maintenance”. And for that reason I am convinced we will be very happy! Thank you James…keep the articles and insights coming.
there is one statement you made, James that I have experienced to be absolutely true. Many men are, sorry to say, lazy. They prefer to compromise as little as possible of their current lifestyle. My fiance is one of those permanent bachelor types. I made it my business to compromise on little things, and eventually he did, too. Let him know you respect him enough to do that.There is only ONE thing you should never compromise, and that is loyalty. If I could do it at age 55, others can too!!
Thanks for that, Melanie. Encouraging truth.
Amen! I have a guy I’ve been talking to and we have been on a few dates. He says he wants a relationship and that he “misses me” but I realized I was the one asking him out, not the other way around. I think he’s just too lazy to put forth the effort of a relationship. No wonder he’s single! The downside for me is that I like him, but I’m trying to move on because lazy is not a romantic term for me. Thanks Melanie!
James,
I read this with a bit of cynicism, but secretly wanted to know what men really meant by the term “High maintenance”. Surely, it is not about me. I dress conservatively, don’t overspend, allow for maximum freedom, etc. Even so, my ex-husband constantly called me this, and I wanted to know why. The first “definition” suited me well throughout most of our marriage. I was often asking him to qualify the depth of his love for me. Mostly, because I put myself in the “one-down” position with him, but also because I sensed he wasn’t being completely honest with me nor fully committed. With glee, I read your final point – to avoid men who use the term. Thanks for your insight!
Dru
thank you for that article. until you got to the part about men being high maintenance also, i was getting annoyed. but then you said men can also be high maintenance and demanding. they keep us walking on eggshells. yes, it works BOTH ways!!! we have to fit into their lives and be “good little girls” and not upset them! glad you wrote this.men should read it!!!! and also men who date online and always say “no high maintenance or drama, please!!”