What does it mean when a man claims a woman was “high-maintenance?” In the private conversations men have, what do they say to justify the high-maintenance label?
First of all, I’m not a fan of labels, particularly negative ones. But this particular label gets used enough to raise my suspicion that it might represent something real. It might represent a cluster of ideas or beliefs men have about the behavior they see in some women, but not others.
I did some research and discovered men don’t even know what the term means. Or at least they disagree about what it means. However, there were a few common themes in the majority of descriptions I gathered. Those themes revealed something interesting about what men want. I thought I’d share my discoveries.
It’s a bad thing to be labeled as a “high-maintenance” woman in the mind of a man you would like to form a relationship with. That’s really the crux of the matter, isn’t it? So let’s get to the bottom of what that label really means, so you can guard against that reputation if you so choose.
It seems men have at least one of the following three general concepts of what high-maintenance means:
- “She requires a lot of time and demands constant attention.”
- “She is focused on image and appearance in shallow ways that cost me a lot of money.”
- “She is quick to anger, excessively sensitive to interpersonal slights, and slow to forgive.”
Something struck me as particularly significant as I considered these broad categories that each capture core themes in the concerns men have about “high-maintenance” behavior. You see, as I studied the psychology of men, and what makes them fall for women, one of the most important principles I discovered was that men are obsessed with freedom. All three ways of conceptualizing “high-maintenance” behavior contain something that threatens a man’s freedom.
A high-maintenance woman will reduce a man’s freedom by draining his money, his time, or his emotional reserves (primarily patience). To use a feminine metaphor, a high-maintenance woman is like long, thick hair (and bangs) that requires a lot of time, attention, and maintenance. Or, to use a more stereotypically masculine metaphor, a high-maintenance woman is kind of like a motorcycle that constantly requires repairs and adjustments to function right.
What do guys want? They want freedom. They want the freedom to act goofy once in a while rather than walking on eggshells to maintain appearances. They want to feel appreciated for the money they earn, without expenses that make them feel inadequate or unable to provide. They want to be able to pursue adventure and friendships beyond the romantic relationship they enjoy.
Another way to say it would be this. Men seem to want a woman who will fit like a glove, comfortably becoming a part of his life without changing him with demands he feels unable to satisfy in the long-term. It sounds nice, but honestly, I think that’s asking a bit too much. In fact, the men who tend to use the “high-maintenance” term tend to be a bit “high-maintenance” themselves.
Here’s what I mean. They are the kind of men who are very particular about what they want, unwilling to morph their life to meet a partner halfway, co-creating something new and beautiful. Compromise and finding new ways of appreciating life are important parts of developing a quality relationship with someone of the opposite sex. So if there is anything I’ve learned from my research on the “high-maintenance” term, it’s that women should avoid men who use it.
James
P.S. This was just a little side project fueled by my personal curiosity, but I have spent years cultivating a deep knowledge base regarding the triggers that make a man really want to be with some women, and not others. If you would like to leverage my years of research and experience in this area, you owe it to yourself to get a copy of my home study program, What Men Secretly Want. You can get a copy and begin studying it tonight.
James? I highly appreciate your wisdom and insights on things we humans go through on a daily basis.
It appears that time somehow brought these words to you and you were intriguing to the point that you had to write this out for us.
I’ve read alot of your books in your mini library and tried many times to find this term “high-maintenance” when I was researching a certain guy’s behavior towards his narcissist girlfriend.
I didn’t understand why he would call her “high maintenance” and complicated. He would share he wanted to leave the relationship before but couldn’t due to her reactions and threats to take her life in response to his decision.
I still do listen and read every little page you release with seeking understanding of human behavior and social standards both men and women develop in life. Your words are very comforting. They help me believe there are people in this world still searching to understand the complexity of the heart and mind of others just like me. The curious intrigues are endless, but this man did stop me in search.
He wouldn’t ask me to be in a relationship with him because he knew he was already with his “high-maintenance” girlfriend and couldn’t end that relationship in any way possible. I’ve triggered his hero instincts many times before. I’ve learned that alot of your writing has explained to me the reasons he chooses to stay with her though he claims he’s in pain. I’ve asked him about it and he said, “it’s what men are supposed to do.” I’ve never written comments on your writings because I’ve never had a question. This time I feel like you’ve answered my question within your writing, but perhaps I’d like to see it said to me. You said men who use that label for women are too “high maintenance”as well. If I stay friends with this man I actively ask him not to bring up his gf at work when we’re holding conversations about his personal life. He shows me he cares for me. Going so far as to coming in to work on his days off just to be in my atmosphere. But refuses to accept he has feelings for me. Perhaps that is what your referring to when you stated they do not wish to morph into what they must? Or meet the other partner halfway? He balances our energies well. With him I can be in my feminine and he in his masculine but I’m sure he finds the same idea when he’s with his real girlfriend even if she’s a narcissist and ” high- maintenance” because he refuses to leave her out of fear…what should I do James? What would you advise me to do with myself in this situation? I’ve spoken to him about seeking out wisdom and learning each and everyday how to explan our mindset in life situations he always gives me full attention and listens to what I offer…but I sometimes i find myself feeling like I loose my confidence holding onto him. I start feeling insecure because I question my worth…I’d really like to hear from you on this…if you find time to help this small human…I’d really appreciate your kindness..and time
..thank you again for all your insights and wisdom.
Ah, a little twist there at the end James…not the point I thought you were going to make. Appreciate the acknowledgement that it’s not just women that can be high maintenance… and that sometimes it takes one to know one. 🙂
Also, the general advice that limiting a man’s freedom is not the route you want to go… and advice about things they perceive this way…was helpful.
Thank you!
I’m glad you liked it, Anne. 🙂 Glad to have you hear in our community of people who value relationships.
James
At the gym, a regular whom I do not know used this “high maintenance” term about me with some friends of mine who were engaged in some fun and boisterous conversation with me. I was shocked. My boyfriend and friends will tell you I am anything but high maintenance. I do carry myself confidently, however. At that gym – no makeup, no fancy gym clothes, roll right out of bed to get there in early morning. No idea why he would say this. I already had a sense that this person was somewhat arrogant. Guess so based on James’ point about a man who uses this label for a woman.
Hi James. I am 60 and dating ldr. He saw my pictures and used that phrase too, I saw it as a compliment so I said thank you so much. He then asked “Are you not offended?” I said “No I am not. I know who am. I wear my clothes and not the other way around.” My girlfriends say the same thing ie. They will go out and buy name brand expensive things while I will go to a regular store spending a 1/3 or less (that’s how I usually shop) and end up getting compliments I am never ever offended when I am told I’m high maintenance.
James, you are so kind.
That makes me happy. Thank you, Anda. It’s nice to have people like you around. 🙂
I needed this. I have been too low maintenance I believe, and dating someone proclaiming I’m “high maintenance” Thank you so much for sharing!
Loved reading this! When I hear “high maintenance’ I picture it as someone who carries themselves well. I agree, if a guy uses it toward a woman (as too high maintenance), by all means move on. Another I often hear, ‘your standards are too high’ – If someone doesn’t think they deserve to be with someone who has high standards, morals and class, then it’s definitely their loss! I take it as a compliment. It’s a sign of their unwillingness to grow in the relationship and strive for a better life overall. Who wants to remain stagnant?!
You are very insightful and wise! Thank you for so much insight!
I’m thankful that you whom shared, have expressed your view(s) quite clearly. So many opinions, facts, theories and possibilities. Bravo! Keep searching, and maybe even coming closer to finding even more possibilities. It seems like quite a deep thing, this high maintenance. Perhaps there may be more to find. People may have these tendencies concerning the high maintenance. And maybe it’s possible for us all to have that within us. Keep probing!