Apparently, Twitter and Facebook use can be hazardous to the health of your relationship.
It wasn’t that long ago that a study published in Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking announced Facebook increases the risk of cheating. According to the article, the temptation lies in reconnecting with an ex, which is ridiculously easy to do on Facebook.
Now we’re being told that online Twitter spats often spill over to the real world, leaving romantic partners at each others’ throats offline. This, courtesy of a study done by the University of Missouri.
Now, before you decide the folks at U of M are getting a little tech-paranoid, think about the logic behind these findings. Facebook and Twitter are all about connecting people, right? You’ve undoubtedly caught up with someone you haven’t seen in years via one of these social networks. They keep us all plugged in.
But, there’s a downside, too. People tend to be meaner online.
I’m hardly the first person to make this observation. The prevailing opinion is that the distance we feel sitting safely behind our keyboards allows us to be more candid and less tactful than we would be face-to-face.
If you tear into someone online and then see them a few hours later, things are going to be…awkward. Given the strong possibility that you came across more aggressively online than you would have in person, it’s easy to see how this dynamic can lead to some problems.
Oh, and don’t forget about the whole wandering eye issue. You hit a rough patch with your current partner. Later that day, you discover a new picture of an ex on your timeline. Geez, he/she looks a little more attractive than you remembered. Suddenly, you’re all googly-eyed for the person you used to be with. And, hey! Look at that! The “message” button is right there!
Now, you’re acting like a college kid wearing beer googles. You’ve totally forgotten about why you broke up with the soul-destroyer. And, you may be a little hazy about the fact that you’re with someone else now.
Here’s the moral of the story. Try to keep romantic conflict in the real world. Don’t turn to social networking when you’re in the middle of a fight at all. Keep that stuff offline.
Always on your side,
James
i found multiple dating and sex hook up sites on my laptop 6 months ago and i am married on my husbands emails. He told me they are all spam but from what I can see they are total hook up sites, I was furious and told him to remove them, so instead he removed his emails completely from our laptop thinking i was dumb enough to think they were deleted and I found out they were still going to his android. he put his email back on the laptop and there are now even more disgusting hook up sites. because of this I totally do not trust what he is doing and he keeps blaming them on spam. He is 63 years old it has totally turned me off to him and created a major problem in our marriage. Because of social media I feel like my marriage is now a joke and I cannot trust my husband anymore and we have been together for 17 years. Any advice ? We have always been intimate. Now I feel emotionally betrayed and violated, and he totally turns me off and I’ve lost the desire for us to be intimate. I hear of stories of so many women catching their men on these websites and they have ruined so many relationships. Social media has become a recipe for disaster. I’m at a crossroads 17 years is a long time to throw away, but honestly how can you find out for sure if your husband is actually hooking up with these people or not and or ever really trust them ago???
Hi Debbie,
Thanks so much for your comment! Your situation sounds complicated and I feel like you’d greatly benefit from being a part of our community and some back and forth consultation. I recommend that you bring it up in our private forum where we have actual relationship coaches on staff to answer questions and give advice. To access this forum, you would need to sign up for the Irresistible Insiders Club.
Within this private community, you can also ask questions and share experiences with like-minded women and our most advanced members. This way you can get extra real-time feedback and support for your unique situation.
Warm wishes,
Tracey T.
I am positive that all the social media, dating websites are the main reason for cheating. Easier than ever to hook up and cheat. Pretty sure that is what happened in my relationship. Devastated me beyond belief. 61 you would think that people are beyond playing games. But alas they are not. Hanging up my dating shoes.
Amen!
I cringe when I read people airing their relationship issues online. How does one expect to openly bash their partner to friends, family and the social media world then work things out.
I have found that those who share the intricacies of their relationship issues are reminded of them by those they shared with while trying to patch things up. It seems that friends, family, co-workers don’t as quickly forget what an ass he is.
I make it a habit to not share my relationship problems outside of the relationship. Sharing with him is the only way to reach positive resolve. Bashing him only creates negative mojo and likely an end to the relationship.
Thanks for the encouraging post. I don’t understand why people can’t just choose to either be content in their marriage and work to improve it or exercise self control until their divorce is final. Aren’t we people not dogs? No wonder there is so much misery,heartache, anxiety and depression in society! The one who commits adultery lacks sense; whoever does so destroys himself .Proverbs 6:32
This is what ruined my relationship with my husband . His “curiosity ” about his ex’s and them messaging back and forth . I am not okay with this and have recently filed for divorce we have a son and have been together 4 years, it’s very hard and I’ve tried staying together for our son but he has done it over and over and I can’t stand the heartache and how it’s affecting me . he hasn’t forgot about his past and I can’t be with someone who is undecided this far in a marriage. It breaks my heart but I can’t forgive him or trust him anymore .
I’m very sad to hear that.
I can relate, it’s unfortunate that people use social media as a way to be dishonest and disrespectful of their significant others feelings, in my opinion with all the so call security options that are available to people to protect themselves, people have decided to use it as a tool to hurt others by hiding their cheating ways. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this because I went through the same thing became divorced and a single parent at age 40.
My husband just looked to see what was out there and the grass is ….!. Eventually moved out to try the grass but has found nothing good in 10 years of buying dinners, helping them move or their kids move in and out of the homes of their baby daddys. I asked my husband, we are still married, I asked him to put something up on a shelf for me. He told me his back was killing him and told me about what was happening in his “dating life”. Lost time, lost money, back strain, no sex, just not what he was expecting. Too many movies I think. His truck died and so did many of those relationships. He bought a Lexus with leather seats but it has not increased his appeal. “What am I doing wrong?” he asked me. Who he heck knows. I told him to ask his counselor orvthevshrink hecsees for his bi polar issues.
Thanks James. This is so true because it’s happening to me now. Me and my husband are having a rough edge of our marriage right now and I found my ex online. He’s married too and presently the communication is getting too serious. But thankfully he’s far away from me so it would be hard for us to go beyond chats.
Maybe if everyone kept their relationships OFFLINE including MEETING ONLINE LOSERS, then they wouldn’ t run into the public display of bashing/ tell-all-everything every minuet of the day to tbe world….
Dear S,
People can meet online and date, there is nothing wrong with that. Meeting offline can be challenging for some folks too. Not everyone can find the way to meet a single person by going to bars, restaurants or gym and sport clubs etc. There are many other ways to meet people, you just have to be careful and not trust everything they say, even if you met someone through your friends. When time goes by you can figure out, if this person worth it to continue dating/knowing each other or not.
I can totally vouch for the info about fights turning ugly, in my case in texts. I wrote horrible, ugly, insulting things that I never would’ve said to his face. Granted, they were all written in direct response to mean spirited, hateful things said by a man who had personal issues and I’m glad I’m no longer in that relationship. I’m seeing a very nice gentleman now and we have a no texting beyond, I’m on my way! rule.
I’m one of those people who couldn’t meet anyone after not seeing anyone for 10 years after a 17 year marriage. Yes, I met a few losers. But I persevered and now, at 63 years old I’m seeing a terrific guy that I otherwise never would’ve met. So it’s never too late, if you just work the program. But we do have a no texting rule.
very interesting,,,i can read that book loud n clear ,,pretty much all of it ,,no woories here , seems I jest never get around and be a member ,I write a few sentences , like looking at profiles n such , then leave it there ..love them interesting messages u get !!!!!!!!!
Good, Melissa. Nice that things work out. James, I agree with your article. I can just imagine how many affairs start on Facebook, for true and Twitter. You see, these social networking sites ARE about reconnecting, so you find an old flame/ex boyfriend/ or a good friend or classmate who you have lost touch with for years. You hit it off right away and continued where you had left off, catching up on old times. By the time u find each other of course, ONE OR BOTH OF YOU ARE MARRIED OR ATTACHED. If you don’t keep yourselves from crossing that line, you might end up in an affair before you realize it. As Melissa said, it doesn’t have to be an ex. If the person is single, more power to you. There is no one in the way. It wouldn’t be an affair now, of course. A friend of mine reconnected with an old boyfriend from she attended high school, that way. They found each other on Facebook, reconnected, started a relationship and are married now.
Its not always an ex…I have been seeing a guy I have known since elementary school and it started on Facebook. He was married but it was an unhappy marriage for years, neither wore their rings anymore or even slept in the same room. We started talking on FB as the friends we were and it just escalated. He filed for divorce a couple months later and it is now final and we are still seeing each other.
If he does it with you, he’ll do it to you. Not sleeping together? Wake up! That’s the oldest line in the book! Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I find most people who love social media, always posting etc. Have a high need for constant dopamine hits and attention. An easy way out of this is simply dating someone who has no social media presence. I only have a FB account and only post when I need to preserve more data on my phone. My boyfriend has no social media presence at all. We are a wonderful couple who has had 2 disagreements in an entire year. Not everyone out there needs the constant affirmation and social acceptance social media provides.
Finding someone with no or light social media presence, maybe only even business related SM is without question the way to go around all this bologna.
I KNOW future studies will conclude a high correlation with narcissistic and self absorbed attitudes and social media. Just wait and see.
It’s the chicken or the egg. Is it the social media or the self absorption that allows the ease of cheating?
I agree with everything you’ve said… I think we are all haunted by our ex’s at some time or another when things with the current partner hit a rough patch.
Its a bit of “grass is always greener” syndrome…. and I think what you say about remembering why you broke up….. is very very wise. I am haunted by the wonderful memories of an ex that simply wont leave my new relationship alone….. I remind myself everyday why the old relationship would never work if I went back….. but it is so hard not to think of all those wonderful “selective” memories with the ex when things get tough in the new relationship.
I think the best move is to work through the issues with the current partner…. give yourself plenty of time….. and change something that only you can change to bring more happiness into your life. Do something for yourself rather than expect that the happiness will come from another person.
Great advice…. but its hard!
Thank you for all your e-mails