I’d like to show you something interesting.
Allow me to do an experiment on your brain.
To play along, just allow your mind and imagination to wander, using the words on this page as your guide.
Imagine that, right now, you have an abundance of everything you need. Imagine this is true whether you know it or not.
You have all of the money you need even if you are unaware of the sources from which it will come.
You have all the love you need from others, coming from all sorts of different directions, too many directions for you to anticipate.
Some of you are good at this imaginative form of play. For others of you, this may be a bit of a struggle. So let’s back up a few steps and start with something easier.
Let’s focus your mind on abundance, the kind that is easier to notice. Notice how you have an abundance of air to breathe.
Notice how you have an abundance of light available to you. Notice how there is an abundance of space, an abundance of different places you could go.
Pause for a moment and contemplate what else is abundantly available to you.
Do you have an abundance of music available to you?
Do you have an abundance of meaningful questions you would like to pursue the answers to (curiosity)?
Do you have an abundance of learning opportunities, or opportunities to invest in people who need your time, attention, or skills?
What is abundant in your life right at this exact moment? Whatever it is, focus on those things.
What happens when you do this? What happens to the mind when we focus it on the things that are abundantly available to us?
I’ll tell you what happens. It changes us. It creates a subtle, yet powerful shift in your mind.
Fear comes from the mind’s incredible ability to imagine the future. Humans are uniquely powerful in their ability to project themselves into the future.
The more you live in the future, the less connected you are to the abundance of life flowing through you in every given moment.
My dog can feel fear, but only about things in his immediate future. He may get shaky with adrenaline for a few minutes here and there, but unlike you and me, his mind cannot imagine the final moments of his life. He cannot imagine the agony of being rejected a year from now after tenuously entering a new relationship.
Have you ever noticed that dogs make great friends? I can’t help but wonder if one reason we bond so easily with our pets is that they live for the moment, and vicariously tend to draw us into the present moment when we interact with them.
When we are drawn into the present moment, fear fades away. We are faced with the abundance of attention and love radiating from the dog’s happy face and wagging tail.
The mental process that generates fear is quite the opposite of the mental process that occurs when we focus on abundance in the present moment.
Focusing on abundance is not normal. Your teacher did not train you to do it in school. Your parents never asked you to practice it for 30 minutes a day, and they certainly did not hire a tutor to help you work on the skill.
But if you would like to break the mold, I challenge you to continue this experiment.
The next time you feel even the smallest amount of fear, allow it to become your new trigger for practicing with a better way of life.
Fear is your new cue.
From now on, let fear remind you to practice focusing your mind on good things that are plentiful in the world around you.
When you focus on the abundance of things you enjoy, something changes inside of you. Your mind and body open up toward life. You not only feel more alive, you also stop feeling afraid.
Confidence surges through you. You are reaching toward your ideal self.
This is the “self” I would like you to bring to your dating relationships. It is the version of you that shines most brightly. It is the version of you that most clearly reveals the truth about the qualities that lie within.
If you would like to nourish this special quality, I invite you to a brief training report I created on this specific topic.
Think you’re the only one that will notice the positive changes? Think again.
Here are some of the benefits that relate to dating and relationships:
- You will experience less stress about the ups and downs of relationship interaction.
- You will seem easy-going, fun, and playful to the guys that date you.
- Other people will naturally admire you because it seems like you have life by the tail.
- You will wake up feeling more rested and happier to be alive.
- You will naturally tend to make decisions that bring happiness into your life.
- You will attract the right kind of people into your life because they will sense your confident, relaxed, and playful energy and be drawn to it.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. To learn more now, click here.
Dear James, you seem like a really nice person. This focusing on abundance really works! I have been trying to re-train my brain and also with deep breathing exercises.
Thank you for writing your advice!
Also I really want to read something you wrote but now I can’t even remember if it was you or what it was called… I was reminded by a super intense connection I made with a man who is a doctor studying the disease I was diagnosed with. We started off in an argument that was kind of emotionally charged for a minute, but it ended up friendly and we flirted a little bit. I felt this overwhelming desire to share a lot of personal information with him and he responded, in a reserved way. Maybe he just felt sorry for me, but since then we started a personal email correspondence. Sometimes I want to tell him that for 2 months I feel sexually frustrated by our conversation but there is nothing really sexual about it, so this would be awkward out of nowhere. For my part I really enjoy this feeling of being vulnerable. I think this is like a drug for me, but I also think I remember your advice to not be so obvious or break this tension for him. I don’t know what he is feeling because he is very guarded. Didn’t you write something about this kind of dynamic between men and women and this kind of infatuation I am feeling? Thank you again!
Thank you for your thoughtful question. I’m glad the the ideas you’ve found here on our website have begun to seep in to your mind. I do remember several places where this issue has been discussed (about maintaining the tension rather than breaking it too early). You’ll find it in the relationship course, His Secret Obsession.
Just to summarize, you do want to leave that romantic tension rather than resolving it. Because that tension adds intrigue and fascination each time the two of you interact. It’s like a question hanging in the air that keeps you going back to your favorite tv shows when they leave you hanging without resolution.
Some women in similar situations find it useful to keep following advice in mind: create opening for him to pursue you but without doing all the work for him. That means keeping some things to yourself as you watch to see how all of this unfolds.
I really appreciate your articles that you give us all time.
Thanks so much James
I’m 72 thought I knew it all. But You give excellent help. Keep up the good work
I just turned 69 (single/widowed) and thought that I was being (viewed as) silly wanting to begin a new relationship at this time in my Life.
The guy who I am interested in is younger than me by several years. We flirt back and forth, but when we reach the point where the next step would be (verbally expressing interest or acting on it) he cools off and backs down.
I think that is the point where we both remember the age difference and how an actual romantic relationship wouldn’t really work.
I guess I could be satisfied with the flirting for as long as he is. I guess I just answered my own questions…
I thought I was in a relationship with a man I’ve known for 35+ years. I divorced my husband of 37 years to pursue this other relationship. Then a diagnosis of metastasized stage four kidney cancer entered our lives. He no longer makes the effort to visit me, but willingly spends time with his guy friends. (I visit him, bring food he rejects from too spicy to too mild ). He is experiencing stage 5 chemotherapy, so understandable. But why choose the guys over me? We where so incrediby close before the cancer. Who can explain this to me?!
Hi Sarah. This is a common pattern for men. It has a lot to do with the respect principle I teach about. Men have incredibly strong desire to be in a provider role in a romantic relationship. They want to be perceived as strong and capable. So an illness is a difficult thing. (but he can overcome that, so don’t give up yet.)
That is a very interesting comment, James. And one we women should take more notice of. It would explain a lot that is going on with my man, who has a drink problem and gets very anxious about our relationship. He has entered a re-hab scheme run by the NHS in England, but is not having a lot of success with it – there is not enough support, I think, and it is not run very well, but that is another story. He was supposed to come and see me this week, at his suggestion (it is a three and a half hour drive) but at the last minute he said he had some unexpected work to do – he is self-employed, and the weather is too hot to travel !! I suspect he has run out of money for the petrol, and finds it easier to lie to me about work than tell me the truth. It happens every time. As you say, it is all about respect and being a provider. He is ill, of course, because he suffers from extreme anxiety and depression, and gets very lonely and down, which is why he drinks. Not the answer, of course. A temporary sticking plaster. Just makes things worse in the end. What a mess. I have struggled for three years and have now told him it is over, as it is not the sort of relationship I want to be in. So very, very sad – I love him and he says he loves me, but I have struggled long enough. He says he needs me in his life to get him well, and I have done everything to try to keep things going, but it is like beating my head against a brick wall. I have asked him to get help for the anxiety. So very sad, I don’t know what else to do. He is driving me crazy. I have followed your advice in the past, as it all makes such sense, but I think this has to be the end. I can’t go on and on doing the same old, same old if nothing changes. Is there any hope, do you think? He knows drinking is not the answer and he wants things to be different. LaLa
LaLa, I think you need to stick to your plan for ending the relationship unless he responds rapidly and completely to the suggestions you have regarding what he would have to do if he wanted to keep you (e.g. follow through on treatment for anxiety/depression, end his relationship with alcohol, etc.).
I was dating a guy for a month or so and he said he loved me. I said not possible this soon, he got annoyed and told me he knows how he feels. So we kept dating about 4 months both ssying i love you. Then he told me he was diagnosed with ms in 2001 which is true and we have completely drifted apart. We do live about an hour and 15 minutes away from eachother, and i was always making the trip to see him. As soon as i said come see me sometimes it pretty much ended, but he did trsvel to other places. Dont know what went wrong the sex was great! But we started having sex right away. Do u think having sex so soon at first was part of the problem?
That may have contributed a poor initial foundation for your relationship, but my guess is there were other factors as well. As you know, relationships are complicated in the sense that multiple variables are at play all at once. It may be that the distance was an issue. It may be that his feelings about love and relationships changed because of his health status. I’m sorry you went through that, Beverly. I hope you will continue to embrace life and love.
The timing of your articles is always perfect. I appreciate your advice and the work you do so very much. Thank you James.
This was so enjoyable to read tonight. I am going through a very stressful time in my life and even though I am strong, fear looks me in the eye. To be present and focus my mind on the good things and about the abundance that is plentiful in my world all around me. I love it! Thank you.
I truly enjoy your articles.
🙂 Thanks, Katie.