It’s both a love story and an action movie. Richard Gere’s portrayal of Lancelot was fantastic, and the pain you feel for King Arthur (played by Sean Connery) is only matched by the longing to see Guinevere and Lancelot give in to the heart-pounding lust they feel for each other.
In the opening scene we discover Lancelot dueling commoners with his broadsword to make money. After easily defeating each of the brave men that stepped forward, one man in particular wanted to know how he had managed a particular maneuver that disarmed him.
He was fascinated by the skill that had just rendered him defenseless. He craved the knowledge that could give him equal power.
You may remember Lancelot’s reply. It became a theme in the plot of the story, responsible for his rapid rise in King Arthur’s Court and the passionate relationship with Guinevere.
Lancelot showed the young man the technique, and explained that its successful execution required something special. He said, “You must not care whether you live or die.”
This is how he approached his relationship with Guinevere. He brought a level of passion and persistence that could not be ignored despite seemingly insurmountable challenges. He poured his very being into his love for Guinevere, knowing full well that if his passion was denied his heart would break. Those are high-stakes to be playing with.
Here’s the lesson. When you allow yourself to truly desire a man, your fear will rise to match the level of desire you feel. Think about that. The more you want something, the more you become afraid of losing it. It’s unfortunate but true that men can sense a woman’s fear, often mentally interpreting it as a clingy neediness or trap.
Men value freedom above all else. It’s one of the things that make men act differently than women. They like to feel in control of their world. They don’t like to answer to anyone.
When you approach a man you desire, you must strive to bring a special kind of fearless passion. While pouring your heart and life into every interaction, you must not care whether the relationship lives or dies. Do this and you will become intoxicating to him.
He will sense it when you achieve this. No, that’s wrong. Sensing something is like a tingling awareness. His experience will be more like the first breath of oxygen after holding his breath underwater for two minutes. It will be profoundly different from the smothering fear he has experienced as he contemplates dating other women.
Men do not want to be trapped, but I’m sure you have known a man who repeatedly said they just weren’t ready for a commitment, only to get engaged two months after meeting someone that swept him off his feet.
How do you pull it off? How do you create an experience for a man (and yourself for that matter) of life-affirming passion paired with the freedom of reckless abandon?
These are the secrets of Irresistible attraction. Your instincts and intuition will teach you the way if you start today and strive each following day to bring these qualities to your interactions with men. You can also speed your learning curve with some techniques that make the process easier in our training materials available here.
Rooting for your passionate embrace of all that life has to offer,
James Bauer
Hi James,
I was reading all of this and it is very helpful. My situation is that I have guy friend who was very interested in me. However, he was involved with someone that I knew. The woman told me that they were a couple and he told me they were only friends.
There was an attraction between us and a great friendship. I told him that and I would like to be his friend because I was not willing to date him while he was dating someone else that I could possibly have contact with. He became very angry for a little while. He then tried to do things to show me that he was willing to put distance between him and the other woman. However, I told him I wanted his friendship now and might be open to seeing what could/would happen. I explained that now I think we should just let the development of our friendship take a natural course. He was okay with that. Or at least that’s what he said.
So he constantly invites me functions that we have a common interest in. I will go to the functions where we are in a public setting an I have maintained the parameters of a platonic friendship. He does throw out very subtle hints. Like commenting on how I have a certain effect on men and they do things to get closer to me. But then he puts a negative spin on it and says I should be ashame at what I’m doing to men. Or if another guy says I have a beautiful smile he will add in oh she take pride in that smile.
My guy friend is lots of fun for the most part. But twice he mentioned that he has a date. Or even recently, out of the blue at one of the functions, a woman walked up behind this other guy and began tickling this other guy. It was very cute so we all laughed. My guy friend walks over to me and says I better never do that. I asked what do you mean go and tickle that guy? My guy friend said, “No, don’t do that to me…how about you just don’t touch me.” I was so hurt. I just looked at him.
I have now distanced myself from him and have lessen my communication to only responding to a few of his texts and will not answer his phone call but will respond later through text message. I still see him at the functions. He is very nice and sweet. Will sit at my table next to me, get my chair and walk me to my car.
I was thinking this guy hates me to be so hurtful. He has only done something hurtful like this 3 times over a course of a year. So I’m not certain what is going on here.
So I am not sure that the girl with standards will be the girl respected even in a platonic friendship.
Some interesting things going on between the two of you.
It seems to me the nature of the hurtful things you described are very likely miscommunications or things he would describe very differently. I suggest you ask him if he was feeling angry at you that night. When he asks why, explain that you felt he was trying to push you away with that comment about not ever touching him. See what comes up in that discussion. It may surprise you.
The guy was probably being playful and trying to lead you to follow the playfulness…. “don’t ever do that, don’t ever touch me” probably meant, ” I wish you would do that, i wish you were more playfully touchable.”…. your “reaction” to his “game”… just let you both know “you were not in tune with each other”
I agree on this one, James, Crystal and Marinda. It looks to me as though you are both playing silly games, missing the mark, and not getting anywhere, without realizing it. I think he is very keen on you – jealous, and afraid to open himself up in case you hurt him, or worse still, back off – which is exactly what you have done!! Telling you he has a date is a way of making you jealous, testing your reaction – and also proves he is NOT in a relationship with this other woman, or any other. Why don’t you take a long, hard look at your reactions – be honest with yourself and try to see what emotions are controlling your actions, Marinda? It is not easy to be honest with yourself – it has taken me a long time to try to sort things out in my head – with the help of James’ articles. Your man is probably doing the same – wondering what is going on. We think differently to men, so that does not help the situation. Remember – YOU set the parameters for a platonic relationship at first – so he is now waiting for a signal from you to take it further. Now by you backing off, he thinks there is no hope. I’m sure James would say to you that the only way forward is to “bite the bullet” – “take the bull by the horns” and TALK to him about what is going on. You started off on the wrong foot by YOU being jealous, thinkng he was already in a relationship with this other woman, even though he said they are “just friends”. Seems to me that the woman may have been lying – or hoping that there was more in it than there is. (I had exactly the same thing happen, and I didn’t believe him – which pi–ed him off!!). You MUST know that women can be very manipulative when they want a man – let’s face it, it is really all we have, when we have to sit and wait for THEM to make up their minds – we could wait forever, as indeed you have been (and me too, for that matter). You say he is very nice and sweet – and does nice things for you, rings you up and texts you – throws out subtle hints. FOR GOODNESS SAKE – WAKE UP AND SEE THAT HE IS A GOOD ONE, before he gets snapped up by someone else – he won’t wait around forever. He is probably very sensitive and shy, and he certainly sounds very caring and loving. Men are big babies at heart, you know – and just don’t want to put themselves in a position to be hurt and rejected. Answer his phone calls and texts. And try to find a good time, in a quiet place, to sit down with him and be OPEN AND HONEST about your feelings. What have you got to lose here? Maybe you’ll feel a bit silly and embarrassed if it does not work – but you have SO MUCH to gain if it does work out. A married man friend said to me recently that it is the woman who is in control, and another man friend said something similar a while ago – they have to wait to get the right signals from the female – just like animals do – we are not so different. NOW, do as James suggests – open up the communication. But DO try to see that YOU are being too sensitive and jealous, too. Try to control that part of your nature. I am exactly the same, so I DO understand – but taking offence when none is intended is NOT the way forward. Work on that, and you may find you end up with a beautiful relationship. I hope so. Take heart. Best of Luck. Lorna
I am so glad that I read this lesson 1 and I do hope that you are right….I DO want to become that intoxicating woman that my ex boyfriend can’t resist ….whether we get back together or not….it would give my self esteem a lift.
I like your positive perspective!
very enlighten, i would like to know more. thanks
Expecting to read the remaining attraction tips.
Hi James! I read d attraction tip of Day 1,its totally cool ,expecting to read the rest.I used to be choosy when it comes to dating,as in I go after d guy I want cos I’m loving and caring and I don’t kw hw to cheat on a guy and it doesn’t later end well ,after listening(watching) d Respect principle video and also reading d attraction tips of day 1 ,I’ve decided to give it a try on a guy who’s asking me to date him. *feeling so excited*
Glad you are feeling empowered!
I think it’s confusing to use courtly love from the 11th century – where the desire was poetic in wanting a lady of high yet unattainable status. The concept of we want what we can’t have is all the same or we want what we think we want.
I tricked myself into thinking I wanted a man last year who was in fact not a good match for me. There’s another I think there is potential for. The reality is he’s got issues with thinking love is when someone sacrifices there own well being for him. I think in his very core he maybe close to understanding that’s not love. Hope springs eternal.
His mo is to burn through relationships about once a year. We have been dating others while I wait and see for 14 mo. I may be a record so called relationship for this guy.
I’m not hating on serial monogamy. Not my idea of a good time. I hate the idea of being trapped like a rat too. Truth is doesn’t matter how infatuated I am with him, at least at this point he’s not what I’m looking for.
I’m grateful every time I step back and say what I want is relationships where there is growth, not co-dependency issues. I have nothing to fear because I have everything to gain from desire.
We all want and are searching for acceptance.
Peace Z*
This guy I have been dating on and off. Based on what I know if he gets a GF
in 2 mo I give a year maybe less. I know at this point in the game I can’t lose myself to him or I give it 6 mo to a year. Believe it or not every way I look at it I win.
I agree, with you statement 100% “We all want and are searching for acceptance”.
And I know, if we lost someone or relationship with the man and still trying to analyze what was wrong there and regret it did not work out, to me it means there was a space in relationship that I missed to full out with my good feelings and my love and efforts.
it feels like I did not invest enough good of myself into this person or relationship, like I was not 100% kind and loveable and giving to him, and that is why it is over now.
But at the same time any relationship is two way traffic, isn’t it? If I missed something or was wrong, would it be fair for my man to step forward and give more love at that time? Or he could just wait till we both are able work out on his issue or problem?
We can’t blame just us (me) being not perfect and miss something important in relationship. We (me & him) need to be able to work as a team and help to keep it going, or at least try it.
There is always space to grow mutually and emotionally in relationship with the man, and it is job for both people, not just female’s responsibility or male’s job to fix it.
To make it short, man and woman work together on their relationship and trying to overcome the problems that come up.
If one of them is very passive and not trying well enough to keep it a life, the relationship dies sooner or later, I think.
I tried to get the movie so I could watch but was unable as of yet. Right now I’m in a long distance relationship and feel that I am doing and saying things that push him away. When I look back at his actions when we 1st met I know he loves me. But now he doesn’t talk to me much. I know there is something wrong but I honestly don’t know what I’m doing to push him away. He has said things to me like “why are you playing games” or “you don’t listen” or “be yourself” we connected so well at 1st now it seems like ??? I’m just frustrated because I want to be with him and nothing is going right.
Good question and way to go at being honest and open with your question. I admire you for going for what you want in this relationship. Here’s my suggestion. It seems, vague, but please ponder what it means rather than dismissing it. You need to ask him for specifics. He is obviously trying to make it work by giving you feedback about what makes him feel distanced from you, but he is being too vague by saying thigns like “be yourself.” Tell him you want to let him in, and you need one or two specific examples of things you did or said that caused him to feel that you were wearing a mask or something.
I liked this first article, but I’m a little out of sorts right now.
I just ended a relationship which I believe was emotionally abusive, but I’m still wondering if it was really just me and at the stage where I want him back in my life. Post relationship he has admitted his faults and explained to me finally why he always reacted the way he did, his vulnerabilities and finally let me in on how he feels. Now I know how to deal with it or where it is coming from, I want him back…should I pursue him again or should I just let him go? And how do I get him back now that we are finally over?
Wow, that is a big decision. Try thinking about it this way. If you were truly starting over with this man, meaning you had never been in a relationship with him before (but you still had the insights and knowledge about him you now have) would you want to pursue a relationship with him above all others? This way of asking the question clears your mind of the feeling that you are somehow rescuing something valuable that you almost lost. If he is the best person you know (for you) then go for it. If you realize he has unusual flaws that would prevent you from seeing him as a great partner, don’t let your history with him draw you back. Invest elsewhere.
Emotional abuse: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/02/20/signs-of-emotional-abuse/
I keep this list and speak up when a man is doing something to make me feel this way—the biggest issue with it is they don’t know they are doing it.
Thanks, Andrea… I think I just have discovered that my loved mom (no sarcasm) have been abusing me emotionally… That explains (at last!) why is so difficult to me to have a relationship with her (we live together) and why my love-relationships suffer from emotional abuse (from my or my partner)… so THANK YOU!
But the fearless passion approach was used by Lancelot towards Guinevere, not the other way round!
So what does it say about differences between men and women? I’m confused.
That’s a great question, Vicky. I’m surprised no one else pointed out this point of confusion before you did! Here’s the answer.
The illustration of pursuing life without fear was something we learned from the fictional Lancelot character, and it applies to all of us, regardless of gender. Then there’s the second issues, which is a difference between men and women. That second issue is that men have an irrational fear that committing to a relationship means giving up freedom or giving up their dreams for adventure.
But you can soothe that fear by approaching a man in a way that causes him to feel that you hold his heart with an open palm. He must stay because he is drawn to you (because of your irresistible qualities) rather than because of a tight grip that may cause him to pull his heart away from you in renewed search for a sense of freedom.
True James. When I was dating my future husband, he started to freak out in the second month because we were quickly getting very serious. We were spending all our free time together. I was totally in love with him and he with me. Then he called me at work one day and told me he was calling it quits. I told him he was a coward breaking up over the phone and told him that if he was half the good and respectful man I thought he was, he would come to my house and tell me in person that he was breaking up with me. I knew that he loved me but I could see that he was feeling trapped. He cried like a baby at my house while trying to make me understand he wanted out. My response to him was to proposed that we give our relationship a 3-month break. During this break we could still see each other but we free to date other people too. Pay attention ladies!! This last sentence is exactly what needed to be said for two reasons. First reason: I was letting him go thereby relieving him of his feeling trapped. Second and most important reason: Yes!!! He is now no longer trapped, he is free as the wind … but so are you. If he really wants a relationship with you, the realization that you are also free as the wind to date anyone else but him will eat him alive more than anything. As predicted, during our “break” my man and I spent every free moment of our time together but he no longer felt trapped. 20 years later, we are still together.
I wanna know what the 12 words are that can be said to a man to make him see me differently
Hey Sheri. That will depend on your unique relationship circumstances. But you can learn the principle that worked for Rachel in the relationship course titled His Secret Obsession available on our catalog page.
I dont want to have to buy a program if I cant test it out first. In the video, u said it was 12 words that will bring out his hero instinct. So what are they?
I’ve always known this but now I have a celebrity man interested in me and me him I’m beside myself!
I broke up my own engagement and he won’t speak to me..what is your advise.Dee
Hi Dee. He probably feels very hurt right now and he is also likely angry at you for shattering a feeling of being wanted and loved. The best thing you can do is to help him to differentiate between the engagement and your love for him. He may believe you would not break off the engagement unless you no longer loved him. If that’s not the case, find a way to communicate that to him.
I just recently suggested to a guy I had very deep feelings for (we had been seeing each other for about 6 months – long-distance) that we take a break. The reasons were that I felt that he was not respectful to me when we were out. I’m not sorry I made that choice, but I’m sure to him it came across as clingy.
I’m glad you did. The very fact that you stood up for yourself is good. Otherwise, down the track he’d still be acting that way and you’d still be unhappy – just in a more trapped way which doesn’t always foster feelings of *self* respect and that comes across to others! Whether you said it to your guy in the right way as per James Bauer, or other online ‘catch and keep your guy’ programs – not sure. But you respected yourself.
Hi James,
Sounds interesting so far and keen to know more.
thanks 🙂
Thank u James,ur first piece of advice I’ve been practising 4 so long I think I’m a master at it! Hahahaha. My gran use 2 say no man’s a dog,so don’t keep him on a lease. I’m anxious 2 read all of the remaining 13 tips. Just 4 once I would love 2 find love. And not just b in love with the idea of love. ;-). If this works I’ll make u best man @ my wedding! :-). Xx
YES! That’s EXACTLY IT Mandy!!! Being in love with the idea of “being in Love” is soooo what I and many others have been chasing for way too long!!!
Thank God we have found a REAL PLACE for the REAL ANSWERS!!!
Thanks for posting this Mandy…
And thank God for people like James and his team!!!
To REAL LOVE for ALL of us!!! 😉
WOW…! What can I say, but Thank You!!! So Very Much!
just read your second “lesson”! I was pursuing my own happiness prior to his attention. After a spell of 23 years in an unhappy marriage and finally freedom. One of the primary reasons for staying was because of our daughter’s ill health. I was so, so inexperienced. Didn’t handle things well. Still, I seem to be back on the right track, so far. Spring has finally “sprung” in this neck of the woods and I shall get my little container garden in order! Here’s hoping we all enjoy a decent summer (with not too much rain) and, as one nun once informed me: “God gives you enought strength for only one day at a time”!!! Thanks, James
” While pouring your heart and life into every interaction, you must not care whether the relationship lives or dies. ”
o.O
I’m glad you’re not an investment counselor. That’s the worst strategy in the world for a decent ROI.
It certainly is not a method for the timid of heart. Fortunately though, love is generated as we spend it, unlike cash reserves for investments.
Great response James!
Not to mention that most investors aren’t worried abt ROIs wen part of investment is risk. They are more concerned with making GOOD investments that they KNOW will be beneficial. Hence, the way love is set up is similar. Youve got to love as deeply as you’re willing to be hurt. If you’re always scared, you won’t give much love out of fear. And most women are programmed to not invest their all. You get what you put in though, and scared money don’t make no money. Follow me? Just like fear can push love away. You have to open your heart to the deepest love and thus, risk the deepest pain. No guarantees in love or money investments. I speak beautifully James, but I am one who still suffers bc like most women, I still possess that fear which is why I can speak so vividly abt the adverse effects it has on my love life.
How true! But how cruel to pursue until he has won her love, only to discard it because he fears the same love he so desired, might now smother him. To be abandoned because she betrays she is afraid of losing him is a devastating blow. Especially when she only showed her deep love when he’d tried to find out how much she did care a short while ago. I cannot pretend I don’t care and that my heart does not ache. I would have come to terms with the loss better if he’d been kinder in the way he left. I trust it will get easier with each day. On a more positive note, I intend to give myself space to recover and pick up the reins again and nurture me. He has a long time to think over what he so arrogantly let go.
I wonder, do men hurt like women do? Or do they hide it better?
Tahhia, I believe it is both. They are socialized to hide hurt and vulnerable type emotions from an early age and they tend to compartmentalize relationships more than women do, which reduces some of the pain of loss when things do not go well.
Socialized or conditioned to ignore vulnerable emotions thus overtime certain emotions become permanently numbed hence able to “move on” much more easily than women.Some view this as cold blooded or heartless… personally my heart aches for the males that have been conditioned this way.
Approaching with desire coupled with fearless passion and throwing caution to the wind instead of reckless abandonment incorporating “caring” whether or not the relationship lives or dies would be validating emotions and showing respect for the tender feelings in him that we’re conditioned to be numbed / ignored from a young age. Respect is a must so he doesn’t feel demasculated. and nurturing should be included in here somewhere but I’m not sure where. These are just my opinions. I hope I’m on the right track !
trust me they hide it better
Really look forward to read your emails.
I look forward to your emails and interesting topics on how to find the right guy.
I am very interested in how men react to different ways that women treat them. I find that the reckless abandon attitude works fairly well with most men, but not all.
All I mostly want to learn is tips to hold ur man forever.
I don’t know that anyone can hold anybody forever. It’s a balance between safety, mystery, and excitement.
I’m really excited…I recently met a guy I knew that he felt something for me as he gazed at me while he thought I wasn’t looking it was really deep I felt it the issue is that he hasn’t said the three words to me yet but he did mention that he never thought that he would consider or look into committing and said that looking at me it seems like I’m a keeper and he asked me if I was ready?…I replied by saying that its not about being ready it’s about finding the right person. But he hasn’t said that he loves me or could it be that he’s afraid or just waiting for me to say it first?
Hi James
Your lessons are bearing fruits already, my interaction with men has improved and I read all your emails. That helps me understand how I have sabotaged my own efforts.
Regards
What’s it take to become a sublime exduenpor of prose like yourself?
dear James,
m really going thru the rough patch.m in relation wid dos guy for 5 years now.his behavior has changed drastically this past year.we hav decided to part ways many a tyms bt I bcom weak n end up calin him.wen I do so its back to normal for few days n again d problem starts.he does evrythin I ask him to do but doesn’t initiate.before a week he told me that m makin him weak n he wants out.not only dis he said he can’t ignore me n still deres Sth dats stopin him to leav me…so I told him dat I can remain frens wid him coz I wasn’t ready to leav him..n finally afta 2 days I texted him dat today was d last day dat I’ll b calin him n dat I’ll mov on.bt suddenly he calls n says pick up d cal or I’ll leav Foreva so I tak to him again ..bt now he doesn’t cm to want to meet me but he cals me almost evryday.plz suggest me wat sud I do
Hey Linda. This would be a great question for our private forum.