You spend so much time sifting through online dating profiles.
You spend so much time exchanging messages, trying to be flirtatious, hoping it will go somewhere.
You spend so much time vetting these guys, deciding whether you want to meet, working out the when and where of that first date.
And isn’t it depressing to think that when you walk through that door and you lock eyes for the first time…
He’s going to make his mind up about you in seconds?
First impressions happen in an instant.
And they’re really, really hard to change.
Even the most witty banter will fail to make him fall for you if he doesn’t like what he sees.
And what he sees is your body.
Your outfit.
Your hair and makeup.
That’s what it all comes down to, in the end:
Whether you’re attractive enough.
At least…
That’s how it FEELS.
We’ve Got First Impressions All Wrong
Humans have been judging each other in an instant since the dawn of time.
We had to. We needed to know whether a stranger was safe or not.
Our ability to survive depended on making accurate first impressions.
But here’s one thing our ancestors didn’t care about:
Outfits.
They didn’t care whether a stranger was wearing Louboutins.
They weren’t judging her haircut…
Or how her handbag was SO last season…
Whether she looked like a pinup in the Cavemen Times was the least of their worries.
They were worried about more important things.
3 things, in fact.
- Is this person a friend or foe?
- Is she a winner or a loser?
- Is she an ally or an enemy?
If the stranger appeared friendly, confident, and eager to create a positive connection, they lowered their defenses and welcomed her with a smile.
Appeal to His Inner Caveman
We guys are still cavemen at heart.
When we meet a woman, we react just like our ancestors did.
We read your energy and nonverbal signals to determine whether you’re friendly, whether you’re high status, and whether you’re on our side.
If the answer to all three questions is yes, we can relax.
We know you’re going to have a good time, even if you don’t look like our type.
And yet, here’s what happens on most first dates…
As you get ready for your date, you focus on every single flaw in your appearance. You feel increasingly nervous. You worry that he’s going to judge you. You worry he might turn out to be a complete jerk. You wish you could just stay home.
When you finally show up to meet him, all those nerves and all that fear of judgment and all that hesitation give him mixed signals.
You’re smiling, but your body language betrays your nerves and discomfort.
There’s a better way to prepare for a first date…
And it involves reassuring his inner caveman.
Friendly, Confident, Positive
When you lock eyes on a man for the first time, you want to convey the nonverbal message that you are a friend, a winner, and an ally.
You can do all of that simply by getting yourself into the right mindset.
Before you step out of your car and walk into the venue—or even before you leave your house…
Tell yourself these 3 things:
- “I like this guy already.”
- “I am so glad I get to do this.”
- “I am rooting for him.”
I am a Friend
When you go into a date thinking about the conversations you’ve already had with this guy, and the things you’ve learned about him, you realize that you wouldn’t even be going on this date unless you liked him already.
He doesn’t feel like a stranger to you. He feels like someone you know.
So, when you meet and you treat him like someone you’re already comfortable with, all that awkward get-to-kn0w-you stuff can be dispensed with.
You already have a connection. You’re just deepening the connection by getting together in person.
I am a Winner
When you’re in a group of people, it’s easy to spot the ones with high status.
They’re not necessarily dressed any differently. They’re not necessarily doing anything differently.
But what they clearly have is confidence.
They’re glad to be in the room. They’re glad to be talking to people. They feel at ease.
If you’re nervous, you can boost your confidence with gratitude.
Remind yourself how great it is that you get to do this.
When you’re happy to be there, you radiate confidence.
I am an Ally
Many women are great at being friendly and confident, but what they miss is this part:
Rooting for the guy.
A guy can sense whether you’re on his side.
If you’re cautious about him, if you’re not sure he’s your type, if you don’t like something about him, then he’ll pick it up.
Set a goal to help this guy feel like a success. You can still have a great date even if you don’t want to see him again.
How can you help him shine during your time with him?
Can you lead the conversation into areas where he feels comfortable? Can you recognize qualities in him that he feels proud of? Can you enjoy yourself and show your pleasure? When you learn how to convey the message that you’re a friend, a winner, and an ally, you’ll find that your connections blossom. Men are craving connection. And you’ll be one of the few women who know how to create it.
We most definitely have a connection and have had one since the beginning. He was so comfortable and calm both times and I was nervous and reserved. Maybe it’s because I see so much in him I truly like, want, and need in a relationship that I’m scared I’m going to mess it up. He said he just wanted to hook up and see where it went and I agreed to it, even though he knew that’s what I wasn’t looking for bc all of our talks in the beginning were about finding the right one and being tired of dead end relationships with the wrong people that just end.