Alaya remembered when she first started dating her husband.
She had to leave for a week on a trip, and he did the most romantic thing. He loaded up his iPod with a special playlist and sent it with her.
She never forgot the song that opened the playlist. It was a man singing about his fear of letting down the woman he loved.
“I believed, from that day on, that his goal in his relationship with me was to live up to the man he knew he could be,” she said. “It gave me great comfort. I trusted him, because I knew he was going to do his best to never let me down.”
Years passed. They got married. Things changed.
They moved, and Alaya’s husband had a hard time finding work in his field. They had their first child, and money was tight.
The man she’d married had been optimistic, loving, and dedicated to being a better man. But now he was sarcastic, sometimes bitter, and increasingly selfish.
“I talked about doing date nights, but he said he was too tired. He would make jokes about fat women, while I wasn’t even close to getting my pre-baby figure back. Where did my husband go? I didn’t even know this man.”
What would you tell Alaya?
Divorce him? Get him to couples counseling? Sit him down and lay down the law?
One suggestion that’s probably not on your list is to tell him how proud she is of him.
But praise works where criticism fails.
To show you how it works, let’s rewind Alaya’s story back to the beginning. Remember that promise her future husband made to her? The promise to never let her down?
What Alaya didn’t realize back then was that his promise required something from her. It was up to her to show him that he hadn’t let her down.
Understand this secret, and you hold the key to keeping your man committed.
A man enters a relationship with the desire to be his partner’s hero. He thrives when he exceeds her expectations. When a man can please the woman he’s with, he feels masculine, powerful, and overwhelmed with love.
In fact, the more she rewards his efforts with praise and gratitude, the more love he feels for her.
It may seem odd to you that love would be tied to performance for men, but think of it this way. When a man does well—whether at work, school, or in relationship—he gets praised. That praise gives him confidence and makes him even more committed to try even harder. It’s a virtuous cycle…
Until things start falling apart.
Their life gets more demanding. She asks more of him. He forgets to do what he promised. He fails to meet her needs.
Or maybe she’s consistently loving, but he’s having a hard time getting work. They’re living in a dump. He lies awake at night, brooding.
He realizes he’s broken the promise he made to himself when they got together. He’s letting her down. He’s failed.
To protect himself, he does the one thing she doesn’t expect:
He pulls back from her.
He feels unworthy of your love. And when you show him love anyway, it feels like charity. He doesn’t feel he deserves it.
If this goes on long enough, he begins to question the relationship itself. He pulls away emotionally even if he still loves you deep in his heart.
When a man lets down the woman he loves, his ability to love her takes a hit.
If he feels that he’s failed her—even if it’s just in his own head—something changes for him.
He’s less motivated to keep trying in the relationship. He tells himself that nothing he could do would make any difference.
To get her husband back, Alaya needed to take drastic measures.
She needed to set her husband up to win.
This meant changing her focus from showing him how much she loved him to showing him how much she admired and approved of him.
When a man is questioning the love in a relationship, your gifts of love won’t move him. But your admiration will.
It’s not always easy to find things to praise about someone who’s treating you badly. It can help to remember this distinction:
His behavior is not who he is.
You can dislike what he’s done while loving the man he is.
So when he lets you down, let him know you haven’t lost faith in him. Praise those things you can praise. Show great pleasure in the little things he does for you.
Remind him what it feels like to be a hero again.
Sorry, I don’t usually post here, but would really appreciate some advice. My guy engaged in an emotional affair because he wasn’t over his ex when we started dating. He’s cut off all contact now and is genuinely remorseful for hurting me, but the expectation is that I move on because he apologised and stopped talking to her. I struggle because, despite loving him a lot, I’m not over it. I bring it up sometimes to get reassurance and comfort from him that he doesn’t care about her, but he still won’t say a word against her, going so far as to say he’d date her if him and I broke up and she asked. I try to show him my love and appreciation and admiration in a lot of ways, but it still doesn’t seem enough for him to make me feel that he’s fully let go of that other woman, who is much more confident than I am, but also selfish and the kind to use people and then discard them (which is why I think she entertained him). I’d love some brief perspective, if possible. Thank you.
I have been in a relationship for 7 years with a 3 time divorced man. He loved me enough to let me be myself. We have had ups and downs, but have conquered much. He has started to pull away so much that I feel I can’t reach him. I try and try and know that he is worth it, but see that he can’t accept that he us a good person. I need a new approach. I don’t want to be resentful and angry. I’d love to touch his heart in the most vulnerable place. I would like for him to get back to loving me, protecting me, and being the woman he is dying to come home to. I love what you teach, and thank you for all you help me learn and understand.
There is something beautiful and good written between the lines of this comment, Rebecca. Man alive! He is lucky to have you in his life!
It’s interesting that you have diagnosed the problem as, “he can’t accept that he is a good person.” Do you think he would say the same thing if I sat down with him and asked why he is pulling away? Or do you think he might offer a different reason or not even realize he is doing it at all?
I’m just looking out for you by double checking to ensure you are not mind reading. I’ve gotten pretty good at analyzing relationship problems. Yet I am still continuously amazed at how much clearer things get when I set my assumptions aside and ask a person three times in three different ways what they are actually thinking and feeling. Often, this leads to insights that run contrary to my original assumptions.
Be well. Be blessed.
Always on your side,
James
Great words; but does that still apply if the man is a Narcissist and has a personality disorder?
Good question, Kelly. I have been following James for a couple of years now and I have always wanted to ask him the question that you asked. Does this apply to narcissists? I don’t believe so.
Este é um de seus melhores trabalhos, ele me inspirou, foi divino o que você escreveu neste artigo. Muito agradecida.
That is one of your best articles, it inspired me, it’s divine. Very grateful.
Nancy, that is an amazing statement!! 🙂
I believe in a very shallow way that did occur, and I did show respect and was not allowed to ask anything of him in return. I needed only his eye to notice me, but that was a chore, yes you’re correct I do believe that’s what occurred. And I could not hero him out of it. Sadly and gladly the wilderness is ending, what was such a beautiful Forrest became a dark and ugly place, one I believed I must endure. Gratefully he found a woman he had no history with and he moved on, I never believed I could be happy my marriage had ended,I never believed he could be so cruel. It does happen , good , intelligent , kind men without the Holy Spirit guiding them can change for the dark side and a woman can not cheer, praise or love him out of it. All those things he was ( all the good) just cocooned in this dark shell that I’m free from. I will always love who he was but grateful I do not have to live or be married to the man he is now, I sound harsh but my feelings are tender and I can love someone who will cherish me, as I long to cherish the man Christ has in store for me.
Nancy, I am always thankful for people like you, who are willing to pursue whatever is good even in the face of hardship. Someone whose light is not put out by the stormy waves that crash over it.
Those are powerful words…thank you.
Thank you ; )