Let’s consider a crazy idea. Suppose you were on a mission to wreck your current relationship. How would you do it?
Sure, there are thousands of ways to slay intimacy, but is there one that trumps all the rest? You bet. And it doesn’t just work. It works really well.
If you wanted to push him away, you’d want to know the hassle-free technique with guaranteed results, right? No doubt.
But that’s not your goal!
Trust me, you still want to know.
You want to know because a lot of women unknowingly do this one thing every day. Completely unaware of the real effect, some make it the cornerstone of their communication. In fact, there are even women who think this strategy is the key to relational bliss.
They could not be more wrong.
So, what is it? What’s the surefire relationship killer? Nagging your man to “open up”. Insisting there’s something bothering him. Telling him he really needs to admit something is bothering him.
Men can be emotionally elusive creatures. Sometimes they shut down when it seems like they ought to open up. You know what I’m talking about. You can tell something’s off, but when you ask what’s wrong he just says, “Nothing.”
You care about him. Plus, you can see right through that answer. You’re not being nosy. You genuinely want to be supportive.
And there may be one other reason to pry. What if he’s upset at you?
So you try to get him to talk. You see it as concern, for him and for the relationship. There’s just one problem.
For men, pressure to open up works in reverse. Forcing him to share his feelings can absolutely kill your connection.
Does that mean you just live with his silence? Nope. That would drive you crazy! Besides, there’s a better option. This is what you should do.
When you feel like something’s off, mention it but don’t push for more information. Instead smile, do your best to look completely confident, and go on to the next thing.
Nine times out of ten, he’ll end up talking.
This works because men have a thing for confident women. When you let him know you’re aware but not worried, you give off a confident vibe that’s hard to ignore. To a guy, it’s the dead opposite of nagging.
Heck, it’s how guys get each other to open up without realizing they’re doing it!
Instead of looking nosey or needy, you’ll be the picture of emotional strength. That will make him want to talk to you.
But to pull it off you have to dig deep and really feel that confidence. Your guy will see through an act. You have to root yourself in real self-assurance.
It may sound weird, but it works. The next time he’s upset about something, give it a whirl. Mention what you’ve noticed. Say something like, “Seems like something’s on your mind today. Let me know if you feel like talking about it.”
And then move on to another topic of conversation. With confidence.
Turn one of the biggest mistakes a lot of women make into your own personal power play. Don’t nag him to “open up.” Invite him to share by showing him your confident, stable side.
SOURCE:
Bundrant, Mike. “The Emotional Kill Switch for Men in Relationships.” NLP Discoveries. PsychCentral, 12 Feb. 2016. Web. 17 Feb. 2016. <http://blogs.psychcentral.com/nlp/2016/02/emotional-kill-switch-for-men-in-relationships/>.
How to hack men so they treat you like a person and equal partner lol
🙁 It’s sad how true your ironic comment is. I wish it were not so.
Eri’s comment so resonates with my perspective. I wish someone like James Bauer would start teaching men what it means to grow up instead of teaching women how to baby men.
Thanks James,
Whew! It’s unbelievable how much work we have to put in for a relationship to work. It’s even harder to know whether you’re doing things the right way or wrong way . My goodness!!
Thank you for all the tips and advice. Will keep on polishing up my handling of all that’s needed to be better in a relationship.
Thanks for a great blog James! You hit on alot of really important issues that two people who are in or are close to being in a love relationship. It was a long blog and quite alot of good information from not only you but from the replies given. I am in a situation with someone that I care deeply about and we go way back so when I sense something amiss (I’m quite intuitive) it truly bothers me. I value our relationship and want to do the right thing so if we are good for each other we don’t miss out on what could be a beautiful thing. I’m not perfect and tend to shut out people if I feel that someone I care deeply about is thinking about abandoning me. That issue started when I was a child and my father did just that. I have been to a therapist about this and am still working on it. Despite that I have grown into a confident, happy and trustworthy person who loves life and people…the issue mentioned has caused complications in my life but I am a survivor and I always come out stronger. Anyway, I never mean to hurt feelings, especially when it comes to someone I love. What I think is so important is that the communication that two people have. Let’s say that the relationship is long distance and you don’t have the luxury of being together in person it can be so hard. To never look in their eyes, hear their voice, feel their touch….hard. I hope this all made sense, I’m feeling a bit emotional…but it does comes from the heart.
Oh Sandy, I can SO relate to what you are saying. I have really struggled, too, with my feelings, and the older we get, the harder it is – as more and more baggage keeps piling up. But do you know what the MOST important thing is, in my opinion, after giving it a lot of thought and talking to friends and a counsellor – it is actaully KNOWING that you have a problem. THEN you can start to do something about it. Keep an open mind. Read books. Go to a counsellor. Talk to friends. Look on the internet. And most of all – read James’ blogs!! – I have found over the past few years that he is one of the most insightful people – and his advice is really helpful, from a man’s perspective. Over and over, I have taken courage and support from what he has to say and put it into practice to good effect.
(And, no, he is not paying me!!). I, too, have issues with my father (who I loved dearly, and who died recently in his 90s) – “interfering” with my sister and daughter. I had several broken relationships and a broken engagement when I was young, and eight years ago my husband left me, after almost 40 years of marriage. So, my track record with men is not good, and I, too, shut down rather than risking being hurt again. (The old wounded ego trying to take over!!) BUT that way, we are not living a full life. I think learning to understand and forgive and TRUST goes a long way to healing. We all have failings. Look up the teachings of the Dalai Lama. I am now in a relationship with a man who has a lot of his own problems (well we are in our 60s, so there is a lot of history!) – it is long-distance so we hardly see each other. But we know we love each other – it’s just hard for both of us to open up and commit to each other and move out of our comfort zone into the future. We are like two frightened deer getting close then backing off again. All I can say is, read a book called “Feel the Fear and do it Anyway” by Susan Jeffers. There will never be a time in our lives when there is nothing to fear, one way or another – and not facing it is just to live half a life. You know you will survive, so what is there to fear? What have you to lose? Go for it – punch that ego in the face, tell him to get lost – move on, move forward. But don’t rush it – give time time – be patient. And I will try to do the same!! I wish you peace and love and a wonderful future. Lorna (LaLa)
Thank you James, for another insightful post. I have been doing exactly that recently, so will try not to. You are right, it had the exact opposite effect. After mounting a “campaign” of being “helpful” regarding his drink problem, my man went crazy and tried to block my texts, phone calls and emails (albeit when he was drunk!) – not the positive effect I was looking for!! Duh! However, I think we are back on track now, and I have learned my lesson well.
I have asked before, but could you write something about learning to TRUST? I find this so very difficult, and desperately want to stop feeling jealous – I know you have said to only go with what you know and don’t imagine things, and that helps – I have a very fertile imagination. And about the shadow in the relationship. Is there any other advice you can give in an article? Thankyou. Lorna