Can you keep a secret?
I’m going to reveal my number one source for dating insights.
Okay, it’s not really classified. It’s just a place a lot of people don’t think to look.
But when I really need to know why one of my clients has been struggling with relationships, this is where I turn.
My source? Her friends.
Think about it. Your friends have a front row seat to your social life. They watch you flirt. They know what kind of guys you go after. They even see how you react when a guy approaches you. They know you—every mannerism, personality trait and all your quirks.
If you’re not getting dates, they know why. The question is, do you really want them to tell you?
Think about that carefully before you jump in.
If you decide to go for it, there are two keys to getting info that actually helps.
The first is asking the right people. Some of your friends won’t want to give you critical feedback. Afraid of hurting your feelings, they’ll only tell you what they think you want to hear. That’s nice and all, but it doesn’t really benefit you.
On the other hand, you may have friends who would be a little too eager to tell you what you’re doing wrong. Ask one of them, and they’ll heap negative comments on you. Best case scenario, you’ll walk away feeling trashed. Worst case, it’ll start a fight.
While all your friends have inside information about you, make sure you only ask one or two who will give you honest feedback with the sole goal of helping you.
Getting the kind of answer that makes a difference in your relationships also depends on a second thing. Asking the right question. I suggest you keep it simple. Instead of giving them free reign to tell you anything, be specific. Ask for just the top two bits of feedback they think will be the most helpful to you.
And when they give you feedback, whatever you do, don’t ask for examples.
Here’s why. Even when we’ve asked for them, examples make us feel embarrassed. The natural response is to get defensive and try to explain away the behavior. In our own heads, we always have good reasons for doing the things we do even when the results are disastrous. Your friends have the advantage of an outside perspective. They’ll be able to see patterns you would explain away. That’s the information you want.
If you’re having a hard time getting dates or holding on to relationships, look to your friends for vital clues. They know you better than anyone else. In some ways, better than you know yourself.
Just be sure to exercise a fair amount of caution. Like dynamite, this technique is powerful, but it can blow up in your face if you’re not careful!
There is one pattern your friends can’t help you with. It’s something even your guy friends would not be able to explain either. It’s the one thing guys secretly want, but they could never tell you. To see why they can’t tell you the thing they want most, click here.
My situation is different from the senarios mentioned. I am married for 13 years and my husband cheated on me and during a four year period he was constantly flirting via text. we are now living in two different places and things are rough regarding the relationship, even to the point where he said its over. Then he make excuses that he is sorry..am at this cross road am not sure what to do but i think i still love him.
Yup…. The reason why men are not able to make a commitment straight away. Some are actually scared of it. Just like some kind of guy I dated with long time ago. I feel that I am only one of his toy. Sometimes I think they are playing around, Co’s I have a guy now with me, we had two kids together we had this eleven years of relationship but no marriage. But still he keep saying he doesn’t want this. Although we have kid’s already. I don’t know what to say to all the single men. Their minds is full of worries. I don’t know why they can’t commit. But others can. I know it’s not a right decisions I made. But in the first place he is the one asking my friend if I am a good girl. Well I did stay a good girl to him until now. But he still playing up.
Thanks James.. I will wait until I see him again to see where he is at. At this point he seems to want to remain keeping it casual so I shall respect his decision. I believe the age difference is playing a big part in his decision and if that is the case I am unable to do anything about it.
Hi James, I often ask my close friends male and female what I do wrong in relationships its great to get the perspective on it. I love asking my male friends more they have a different outlook.
After 6 months of sole searching and gathering information on myself I decided that I was ready to date again. I wasn’t out looking for it but if it came my way I would say yes. So I started seeing this lovely, sweet guy who is always smiling we have known each other for a year or so but only to say hi and quick chats, we know the same people but didn’t really socialise. My girl friends get super excited if I start seeing someone which I feel puts pressure on me for it to work. This time I thought so I’m in control I would see him secretly for a while see what happens and then tell them. This would save embarrassment if it didn’t work and also remove any pressure from both of us. When out on a date one day I told him that my friends were unaware of us seeing each other which he seemed stunned by, but I explained if this is only a casual thing I would prefer to keep it to myself for now. After about a month of seeing each other which we really only caught up maybe once a week I went to his house he had his 2 boys there which was fine I had met them before. That night he asked if we could make it official and start dating, even though I was very happy I held it together and said yes after double checking that this is what he wanted as he had said previously that he didn’t want a relationship. The next night I had a girls night out but met up with him later on 2 of my girlfriends met him for the first time and everything was fine. My friends are now aware that we have been seeing each other and he also told all of his friends. I went home with him that night and when we got back to his house he later confessed he didn’t want a relationship but did still want to see me casually. I was disappointed but just excepted it without making a big deal of it. The next morning he said that he was sorry for what he said and he took it all back and does still want to date me. At this point I have backed off to give him time to think, I did see him briefly last night and he told me that we would catch up at the end of the week. I feel like nothing will ever change when it comes to me and dating. I do like him and wanted to get to know him better, take things slow which I was doing and it still blew up in my face… Do I just walk away?
Hi Kerrie. If I were you I would not walk away in this situation.
Instead, I would ask him to be more honest with you about the internal conflict (the push and the pull competing in his mind) that seems to move them back and forth in a tug-of-war over the line that decides whether or not he is willing to be “in a relationship” at this point in his life. Be in discovery mode right now. Find out what’s really going on in his competing desires. This may give you insight regarding whether or not you should risk trying to be emotionally invested in him.