Alexis hoped she was overreacting.
“He says they’re just friends, and I want to believe him,” she told me. “The problem is, I know women like her. They get close just because they can.”
Alexis’ boyfriend Eric was a good guy. He was friendly, easy-going, and sociable. He was the sort of person who lent a hand to anyone in need. He liked being the knight in shining armor.
All of which made him an easy target for an unscrupulous “friend.”
“I don’t think she actually wants to break us up,” said Alexis. “She just likes controlling him.”
The woman in question was one of Eric’s work colleagues. She had been asking Eric to stay late to help her. She asked for him to be assigned to her team. Several times she’d suggested that the two of them go to lunch to talk over a work issue.
Eric, always amenable, agreed. He didn’t see the problem. He was committed to his job, and he had no feelings towards her.
None of that made Alexis feel any better.
“Am I being irrational, James? Am I just paranoid and jealous?” she wanted to know.
I didn’t think so.
I thought Alexis had very good reasons to be concerned.
The way she and Eric handled this situation would set the tone for their relationship to come.
Jealousy is a Fact of Life
Jealousy has got a bad rap.
No one likes it when their partner is acting jealous. It feels like their partner doesn’t trust them.
But jealousy is a natural human emotion. According to therapist Esther Perel, it can even spice up a relationship. When we feel jealous, we realize how much of a catch our partner is. It can re-invigorate our desire.
Problems arise when couples deny, shame, or minimize the complicated emotions around jealousy. They argue about it, or refuse to talk about it.
It’s good to assume that your guy is going to get jealous sometimes, and so are you. That feeling may be yucky, but it doesn’t have to tear you apart. It can be the starting point for an investigation of what makes you feel vulnerable and what makes you feel safe.
Boundaries Keep Your Love Safe
Jealousy is an invitation to talk about boundaries.
Boundaries are rules you put in place to make sure you both have what you need to feel safe in the relationship.
Some people think you shouldn’t need boundaries if you love one another. You should trust each other to do the right thing.
But I look at boundaries in a different way. Boundaries are like walls you build around your love to keep it safe.
Your love is a fragile thing. It’s tender and private. When you set boundaries, you build a house around it to keep it protected from the outside world.
Boundaries That Should Never Be Crossed
Infidelity expert Shirley Glass offers a checklist to determine whether a casual relationship is evolving into an emotional affair.
- Does he talk to her about things he doesn’t share with you?
- Does he talk to her about your relationship—in particular, negative feelings about you, or problems you’re having?
- Is he honest with you about how involved he is with her?
- Would he feel comfortable if you overheard their conversations?
- Would he feel comfortable if his interactions with her got videotaped and you were shown the video?
- Is there sexual tension between them?
Luckily for Alexis, none of those things were true. She knew she could trust Eric.
But she also knew that this other woman’s behavior wasn’t right. How could she help Eric see that he needed to be careful?
Relationship Rules
I encouraged Alexis to talk to Eric about this idea of building a house around their love.
They needed to put up “walls” to keep their love safe from everything outside.
Examples might include:
- We won’t talk about private relationship stuff at work.
- We will introduce each other to our work colleagues if desired.
- We will avoid situations where we have to be alone with an opposite-sex work colleague.
- We will make sure our work colleagues know we’re in a committed relationship.
- We will tell each other if someone makes their attraction to us known.
You can probably think of some more.
By framing these boundaries as something that protects their relationship, Alexis found it easier to talk to Eric about her fears.
It’s not about whether she trusted him. It’s not even about this other woman.
It’s about keeping their love safe from harm.
That’s something her knight in shining armor was more than happy to do.
Help, I am so confused right now. I know I am complete. I am not trying to be needy. But I really, really like my guy friend. It’s true, there are some things I don’t understand about him. Him and I were good friends. Now . . . I can’t stop thinking about him. But unfortunately, he has a girlfriend. I am currently not trying to break them up, but I can’t stop feeling this way. People told me to give up. People told me to get over him. Even he told me we will never happen. And our friendship has gotten colder. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know why I feel this way. He does have good qualities and bad ones. I don’t need him. But I do strongly desire him. I know it’s wrong to feel this way. But I have never felt so lost before. I can’t buy His secret Obsession or anything and I feel like there’s nothing I can do. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to be nice. Hard to get, earned, you name it. All the advice. But for this situation, I just feel so tired and emotionally numb. I don’t know what to do or how to do it.
What you should do is stop wasting your time and move on. Look yourself in the mirror, stop feeling sorry for yourself and take steps toward gaining self esteem and self respect. Keep busy and get involved in something that interests you, like a hobby etc. A person is interesting that has interests. Once you become more engaged in any of all the amazing things this this life has to offer, you will have less time to wallow, feel desperate and hopeless… Courage!
My only comment is,
Thank you James and your team.
You’re incredible!
I always look forward to your quick tips and thorough research.
And I have loved your e courses. Lucky me x
You’re so sweet, Eva! Thank you for sharing your kindness with us today. It makes a difference.
You might benefit from reading about limerence.
Can a narcissist love just 1 woman long term, exclusively, especially when he keeps in contact with exes?
No.
Hi James, I have a problem that needs your advice and I have stated it in Be Irresistible forum as well but still can’t get a practical answer.
My guy has been keeping in contact with his 10 yrs ex ever since they broke up 5 yrs ago. Throughout these few years, he had seen 4-5 girls and they kept their friendship online and never met each other as they live in different countries.
Last year his ex came and at first he didn’t tell me it was her, and we were having a cold time that month. I didn’t see him after they met and he told me that the “friend” was actually his ex, and she has been crazy still, hasn’t changed at all, and she was mad at him for not seeing her enough while she was around. I was annoyed but didn’t really give him a hard time. Later that week he told me that actually his ex went to his place for a drink the night they met and showed me that she has left her electronic device there. He met her once more to give it back to her before she went back to her country.
Ever since that they have been keeping close contact, not sure about the frequency but quite often like once every few days. He told me that she has been nagging him to go back to their country and blames him for not talking to her enough. She even asked him about his sex life and told him about hers. I told him in a very calm way that I am bothered, and that he needs to make it clear to her. He said that he has told her that she doesn’t get to make demands of him anymore, while she was here and being crazy. I don’t think she actually took it seriously and there is not a clear boundary set.
I know that he will not push her away as she is one of the most important people in his life that contributes a 10 yrs relationship. Yet I don’t feel comfortable about her aggressive ways and that she still thinks she stands a chance with him. He is going back to his country for a work trip soon and I don’t know what to do as I don’t think he will agree to me asking him to set boundary and not seeing her because “he thinks they are just friends” Please help.
Hi, Carol. That’s really frustrating. I wonder if he understands the extent to which this is damaging his relationship with you.
As an Irresistible Insider, you have free access to this special report (When Trust Issues Threaten Your Relationship), which captures many of the best ideas we’ve found for situations like this.
This on–about expressing your pent up frustration in productive ways–may also be useful to you right now given what you’re going through.
It seems this is the kind of situation that requires you to decide how much risk you are willing to tolerate. There’s risk on both sides. If you push too hard for him to recognize his mistakes and take ownership of the fact that he needs to change things, then it could become an entrenched battle that pushes the two of you apart. On the other hand, if you don’t push him to change you are risking that he may have an emotional affair with his ex that goes on for years, in addition to risking your own happiness and quality-of-life while you live through it.
Naturally, only you can decide which of these risks you have less tolerance for, but that will guide you toward a decision about what to do next.
I am old now, but in my youth, I was a predatory female. I threatened many
ostensibly stable relationships whenever I wanted to. I’m not proud of this, but I know all too well how the “buddy at work” can easily evolve into a serious threat. Protecting your relationship by building walls is wise counsel.
Naomi, It is so brave and honest of you to share that with us on here, and I’m sure it will be very helpful to lots of women, who are too trusting. I am convinced that some women (maybe most!!) are predatory and manipulative. Men are so clueless, they need to be gently persuaded! Sadly, in this “new-age” of high divorce rate and online dating and social media and mobile phones, it is common and apparently acceptable (?) to keep in touch with exes. Some of this can’t be avoided due to shared parenting, but I think it is very dangerous to new relationships to keep in touch with old-flames, making out they are “just friends”. How can you be just friends with some-one you were in love with. One of you will probably still have feelings for the other. Many people think this is not possible, and it causes a lot of anxiety and stress in a new relationship. The same goes for being “sociable” with colleagues at work, etc. In a crowd situation this is probably OK, but one-to-one, no way!! It is asking for trouble – it is so easy to be tempted. Why put temptation in the way? I am almost 72 now, and in my youth, it was absolutely unheard of (in England) to keep in touch with an ex. An ex was an ex, and was not part of your life any longer – that was understood, so no boundaries needed to be set. If they came sniffing round, you knew they had an ulterior motive!! I don’t know what the answer is, because one could be accused of being unnecessarily jealous. However, if your guy can’t understand that it is making you unhappy and is not prepared to change the situation – is he worth having, really? (Again – men are so clueless!! – but we love them!) Lorna (LaLa)