Everything is going great.
You’re talking. You’re laughing. You’re having fun.
Then you say something—you can’t even remember what now—and you can immediately tell it was the wrong thing.
His face becomes expressionless. He doesn’t reply. His energy chills.
No matter how hard you try to rescue the conversation, it’s over. He’s shut down.
When he says goodbye with a curt voice, you know he won’t be calling again.
What Just Happened?
It’s impossible to watch every word that comes out of your mouth.
It’s not fun, either.
You want to be with someone you can relax with.
You don’t want to worry that he’ll take offense at an innocent comment.
Yet how many times has a man got upset over something innocent you said?
You didn’t mean anything by it. You didn’t mean to make him feel bad.
But he chose to take it the wrong way…
And it made everything incredibly uncomfortable.
How can you avoid letting a promising relationship fall apart because of a misunderstanding?
It’s impossible to avoid miscommunication entirely. You never know how someone will react to what you say.
But understanding male psychology can help you be aware of the 3 main pitfalls.
What He’s Looking For
When you’re talking together, your date is reading between the lines.
He’s looking for evidence that your relationship has potential… or not.
Once you understand what he’s looking for, you can see why certain comments make him react the way he does.
Some comments make him feel like you’re not on the same wavelength.
Other comments make him feel like the two of you are perfectly in tune.
He’s looking for 3 crucial pieces of information. If all these boxes are checked, then you’re a strong candidate for winning his heart.
They are:
- He wants to impress you.
- He wants to be the best guy you’ve ever been with.
- He wants both of you to be happy.
If you can communicate all three, then he knows it might be the beginning of something beautiful.
Reading Between the Lines
But when you say something that makes him feel like he doesn’t measure up…
Or he’s let you down…
Or he can’t compete with the other guys you’ve been with…
He takes it to mean that you’re not a good fit.
He doesn’t want to be with a woman who doesn’t think the world of him. He doesn’t want to be with a woman who doesn’t think he’s the greatest. He doesn’t want to be with a woman who doesn’t enjoying being with him.
And it’s not just men who think that way. Don’t you also want a partner who thinks you’re amazing?
So make sure to give him a green light by showing him that you love being with him, you respect and admire him, and he’s one of the greatest guys you’ve ever met.
And avoid saying these 3 things…
3 Things You Should Never Say to Him
#1. Never compare him unfavorably to others.
Maybe he’s just told you that he plays guitar, and you launch into a story about an ex of yours that invited you to all his gigs. Immediately, he feels like less of a man than your ex—even though you didn’t mean it that way at all.
Try to be in the moment together. It’s just you and him, and no one else matters.
#2. Never imply he’s not enough.
It’s natural to want to point out when someone you’re talking to gets their facts wrong.
It’s natural to want to show someone where they aren’t doing it right or how they could do better.
But sometimes a man can feel as if you’re criticizing him rather than correcting him.
He feels as if you’re making HIM “wrong.”
As you build greater trust in one another, he’ll be less sensitive to critical comments. He knows you. He knows you’re just trying to be supportive and encouraging.
But until then, be gentle with one another.
#3. Never imply you’re disappointed in him.
A man feels like a hero when he puts a smile on the face of the woman he loves.
When he’s met with a frown instead, it hits him in the gut.
He knows when he hasn’t met your expectations.
He knows when you’re just pretending you like what he did.
Not everything your guy will do for you will delight you. But you can always appreciate the intention behind it.
When you show him that he can make you happy, and he’s a great guy, and you’re impressed by who he is and what he’s made of his life, then you’re telling him what he’s hoping to hear:
This is a match made in heaven.
What about men with Peter Pan syndrome who have no direction and just want to have fun and not worry about anything? How does the hero instinct stuff play into this kind of guy? I don’t want to make my man feel he’s not enough because there are so many great things about him, but idk if I can build a life with someone who never plans and isn’t striving for anything in life. He talks about wanting a family and a house but is doing nothing to figure out his career or put himself in a better place financially. Is it just a matter of accepting he’s not the right guy for me because he’s not ready to step up and I want maturity? Or is there a loving way to approach this while still being clear about how much of a red flag this is for me in continuing the relationship. Thanks!
That’s a very good question, and a thoughtful way of framing it.
Here are a couple thoughts that might trigger an insight for you or help you gain a greater sense of clarity about what your next steps might be.
First, have you read the parts of my course about the three phases of a man’s life (in particular the part about the Prince phase)? You may find that completely explains what’s going on here.
Obviously, there are neurological differences between people. Some people think about the future all the time, drive after goals, obsess about financial security, and can’t stand the idea of breaking a commitment or letting someone down. On the other hand there are people who are neurologically wired to live more in the moment, forget what they intended to follow through on, and rarely make detailed plans to focus their efforts in life.
While long-term relationships between opposites on the spectrum do sometimes work with one person compensating for the other person’s weaknesses, generally speaking, psychological research indicates that we are happier when partnered with someone who shares more of our personality traits and preferences.
To answer your question more directly, you need to first answer these two questions for me:
1. Would you still be satisfied with this relationship if it involved many years of you dragging him toward planning, persistence, and maturity?
2. Do you believe he would enjoy the relationship and still want to be a part of it if it meant he had to learn to become a different person (or at least accelerate his growth) in this particular way?
If the answer is no to either of these questions, then perhaps you would both be better off pursuing someone who is a better match in this regard. No one is perfect, so if it feels like you would be breaking your own heart to walk away, you don’t have to.
Always on your side,
James
Wish u all had counseling services
Thanks for putting that level of trust in us. We do have a trusted partner we refer to for live, phone-based relationship coaching. Contact our customer service team to inquire. [email protected]