You can spend a lot of time with a guy who still lives in his mother’s basement.
But a guy with a lot of energy and talent makes a better catch. Unfortunately, that kind of man is usually fairly busy.
Lot’s of people (and companies) are competing for his time.
If you want to make things work with a guy who is pressed for time, consider these three strategies. There are dozens more ideas in my mini course on this topic. But I’m leaking these three ideas for those of you who take the time to read my emails.
Rule Number One for Dating Busy Men: Reduce Distractions When Together.
Busy men can be easily distracted. If you want to capture his heart, you need his full attention. You want to reduce distractions from:
1.Other people.
2.Electronic devices like TVs in a sports bar, and…
3.The mental pressure of competing time demands.
How do you do that? There’s no perfect way, but micro-traditions can help. I’m talking about very simple traditions you invite him to participate in right from the start of your interactions.
For example, you can limit competing time demands by agreeing to see each other just one night a week (say… Thursday nights at 6 PM for dinner) during an introductory phase of your new relationship. You’d be surprised how many busy men will love this idea.
Once he has figured out a time that would consistently work, he doesn’t have to think about it again. It’s like you’ve set up a system that will allow him to gradually get to know you better without the typical feelings of guilt he is used to facing when he realizes he’s gone three weeks without calling a girl he really likes.
Busy guys respond well to repeated but brief interactions. So tell him upfront you don’t expect to go to a movie afterward or talk in a coffee shop till midnight. He’ll appreciate it and his respect for you will rise along with that appreciation.
Rule Number Two for Dating Busy Men: Don’t Bid for His Time, Own His Time.
Again, it’s micro-traditions to the rescue. The faster you can set up a recurring plan for interaction (a micro-tradition), the less you have to compete with other demands on his time. A micro-tradition also means you “own” a timeslot in his week, so to speak. That means your micro-tradition time slot is off-limits to other women who might be competing for his attention.
Rule Number Three for Dating Busy Men: Consult, Don’t Sell:
You may be wondering how TO introduce the idea of a micro-tradition. After all, you don’t want to sound like you’re trying to sell him something. And that’s where rule number three comes to the rescue.
There’s this concept I learned about during a terrible seminar I wish I never attended. They let this business consultant guru have the platform for way too long, and he had nothing useful to say. That is, he had nothing useful other than this one particularly fantastic idea.
He called it “consultative selling.” He said every business owner should train their staff how to do “consultative selling” over the phone. It just means you ask your customers helpful questions kind of like a consultant would.
Instead of starting with an introduction of the product or service you want to sell, you start with the problems the customer has been facing. That leads to a natural conversation where you can point out that you have the perfect product or service to solve the particular problems the customer brought up.
The customer is pleased with you, because they felt like you genuinely listened and tried to help. They walk away with the sensation that they “discovered” a solution. They never felt like you were trying to sell them on anything!
And that’s exactly the system I want you to use. Don’t try to sell him on the idea of forming a micro-tradition together. Instead, use “consultative selling.” Ask him what it’s like trying to find time to date women when he’s such a busy man with so much on his plate.
Once he’s confiding in you, you can suggest a solution to reduce the stress involved in getting to know someone. Heck, you can even volunteer to let him practice on you!
Always on your side,
James
I am in a long-distance relationship with a man that I truly love, and he says he loves me and that I am the one for him. We talk daily and text several times a day and get together at least once a month to spend time together. The problem I have is that he drinks quite heavily, and it scares me. He seems in control, and I enjoy a drink myself, but it is getting to the point where I believe it is affecting his health. During a 4-day get-together he will usually have one day where he drinks to the point where he can’t remember things the next day.
He is very successful and runs a business, as do I, and we’ve talked about me relocating near him so we can see where this relationship goes. He has children that live near him, and I have no family and would enjoy becoming involved with his. Since I also have a business in the state I live in, I would obviously have to cut back & semi retire (which I could do financially). I am just concerned about making such a sacrifice without knowing if he could possibly be an alcoholic. My first husband turned out to be an alcoholic, and I’ve dated a man before that I also believe was an alcoholic, so I’m thinking I probably have some codependency issues.
What is the best way to bring it up without accusing or nagging?
Hi Christie. I suggest you start by finding out whether or not he thinks of his drinking pattern as being a bit excessive. Knowing that information will be critical to your next step. If he does not believe it’s a problem, you should slow things down and be honest with him about the fact that you are seriously considering making him a bigger part of your life but that you have reservations because of the fear that alcohol might be harming his health and ability to be emotionally present with those closest to him.
The key is to present it as your own fears (and lifestyle preferences) rather than as a problem he has. This will bring up the hero in him that wants to protect you from things that bother you. If you phrase it as a certainty that he has a problem (when he does not believe it’s a problem) he will become defensive and argue against needing to change.
That’s such a great answer, James. Can you help me phrase it in a way that it is presented as my own fears (and lifestyle preferences) rather than as a problem he has? I think that’s where I stumble a bit.
Learning a lot from your articles and the comments as well, thanks James.
Please how do I get back the attention of a guy who suddenly seems to be holding back after getting me interested in him.?
Hi James…
Thank you for your column..I find it very educational , it helps us to decide on things which we are uncertain about it..specially those who are new on this site like me…
As far as I am concern, I am with a busy man too…we see each other once a week only and for just 20 minutes or less than that…but he also sees to it that he will leave a short sweet message for me and so do I…making it sure that we communicate each other well…
My question is..is it proper for me to ask about the status of our relationship? He’s been calling me sweet things..and he promised to come and visit me in my country soon.
Should I wait for him to say I love you to me first… or isn’t it improper if I will be the first one to say it to him… I have known him for more than a year and just this year he shows up again and become more aggressive towards our relationships…and I really appreciate it…
Hope to hear from you soon..
Thank you so much..
God bless!!
Hi Josephine. It would be better if you asked him what he wants his future to look like (in a general sense). If he is thinking seriously about his relationship with you, he will mention relationship aspects of what he hopes his future to look like.
James
Hi James, I was about to give up until I read your article. I have met a very busy man- both coffee dates and only 1 date each week. I don’t hear from him for days and I thought “he’s just not that into you”. I felt that he should at least text me more often and move up to dinner instead of coffee. Are you saying it’s “normal” for a very busy man to not communicate for a week or more and really only have time for coffee? He said the project he’s working on could take off in a week or a few years, he didn’t know, but then would have more time. He said his lack of time was a problem in past relationships and for me to let him know if I had a problem with it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Darlene. I’d say this depends a lot on how much patience you have at this point in your life. He sounds like a man who is unlikely to suddenly change and have a lot more time. Generally, a man who says he will have more time after he completes a project will really just start a new project and be just as busy. He is in the building phase of his life, thinking he needs to accomplish something significant before he feels ready to give more of himself to a relationship. As a result, he is going to be very hesitant about committing to anything.
Fortunately, this person has enough insight to recognize that his limited time for relationships is not normal. Given the circumstances, I suggest you ask him to paint a picture for you regarding what kind of time he might feel like putting toward a relationship with you in six months from now if the project has not been completed and the relationship with you continues to go well. Since he seems to be an honest person unwilling to promise something he is unable to give, I think you are likely to get an honest answer. With that information, perhaps you will decide it’s not worth it, or you might be pleasantly surprised by what he has to say. Since you like him, it’s worth a shot.
Hi James,
This is great advice. I’ve been dating a guy for several months who travels alot for work in a high stress job. Between travel and spending time with his kids (he’s in the process of getting a divorce) there isn’t much time to date. For the most part we’ve been able to see each other once per week but he has a heavy schedule coming up for the next three months and I’m afraid that seeing him less than the one time per week is going to impair our otherwise great relationship.
I don’t want to add to his stress by trying to schedule weekly time together but by the same token I don’t want us to drift away which I could see happening if we don’t do something. We text a bit while he’s gone but I don’t want to overdo it on the texting and calling as he frequently has client dinners while he travels so his nights are late. I don’t want to look clingy and insecure while he’s away but it’s hard when I don’t know when I’m going to see him again. Sometimes I think he would find it easier to just not date at all.
How do I talk to him about starting a micro-tradition without stressing him out more and possibly pushing him away? Part of me wonders if I’m better off finding someone with more time but I think today it would be hard to find someone with a successful career that isn’t stressed out and working alot of hours. If I didn’t see so much of myself in him and have such a good time with him when we do get together, I probably would look to date someone else.
Thanks,
Jane
Hi Jane. Those are good questions. One way to look at it is like this. If things continue as they are now, is the relationship something you want? If not, then you have nothing to lose by asking for a tiny step in the right direction (a micro tradition of some sort). If it proves to be too much for him to manage, then you have your answer about whether this relationship is worth pursuing.
If he says it’s too much now but he’s certain things will change in the future, that would be better (but still a little risky when you’re talking about a man who has not even formally divorced his wife yet).
In your case a micro tradition could be as simple as a night of the week when he calls you while traveling. If he can’t put a high enough priority on his personal life to actually schedule something and protect that just as he would some other appointment (for work) then the relationship is unlikely to be a high enough priority to survive.
Hi James,
Thanks for your suggestions. I’m going to try this and will do my best to present it in a positive light. It’s scary to put yourself out there knowing that you could get an answer you don’t want but I think it’s best to know as the uncertainty I feel isn’t going to go away and will just make things worse over time.
Jane
Nice advice. Feeling good. Thank u
HI James,
This idea came at a very opportune time for me. I had just tried to have a conversation, that I considered very benign, about our schedules and generally about brainstorming how to have a good flow to our two busy lives. I thought that I was being very open and easy. So it pretty much surprised me when he responded negatively, and like I was perhaps trying to change him, and who knows what else. I was perplexed. At any rate, I gave it a few days, and your article was something I read in the meantime, and it just resonated….He is a busy business owner, and often comes home and wants to space out with TV or the computer. After some contemplation, I decided to simply schedule things differently myself , and to let him know about the changes. I did remove myself from the equation a few nights a week to work on my own projects, and to give him his space out time, but I also scheduled in “our time”, and a personal massage for him, and some other practical items. And guess what…..he received this completely differently than when I was asking him to brainstorm these same subjects. It was easy, direct, and he seemed to appreciate that I would premeditate these situations. Who would have known?? I think I THOUGHT…that including him on the process showed respect and or democratic thinking. What I found out, is that he is indeed busy and preoccupied, and he more or less appreciated my ability to streamline our schedule. He was not the least bit offended that I would take this into my own hands…..A very important lesson for me, and thank you! Tina
Excellent case example, Tina. Thanks for sharing your success for others to learn from.
James
Thank you for your posts, they’ve helped me so much. I have a question, my friend (& co-worker) is a busy computer nerd, so he has a hard time connecting socially, that along with busyness makes me feel farther away from him. Yet he interacts by chat almost daily, unless he’s very busy, then it’s every few days.
My friends tell me I need to be the one to make the first move, but I’m afraid to lose the relationship if I make him feel emasculated. Waiting is excruciating because I know he enjoys interacting with me, I know he cares. But he just doesn’t have to the social skills (or maybe time) to take it to the next level. I’ll try asking the question you suggested. But how can I confirm he’s interested in going to the next level with me? If I knew that, I would feel safer reaching out to him more. Any advice?
Hi Rachel. Try asking him for a favor that will require a little bit of his time. For example, ask him for some sort of computer advice (could just be something you’ve been wondering about, a new product you were thinking about buying, or figuring out a simpler way to do something you do routinely).
How he responds will be interesting. It may reveal something about how much time he has (or is willing to give to you). It is also something that will draw him closer and make it easier for him to take a step toward asking a favor of you (like accepting a date invitation for example). This method allows you to avoid emasculating him because he is placed in the role of the hero when he helps you out.
Oops, my name is Sherri and not Sherr. lol
I need dating advice about a busy social guy. I met this guy at a party a week ago. He seemed extremely interested, and made it a point to spend the evening with me, dancing and talking. He tried to kiss me that night, but it was way too soon for me. I was not sure how I felt because I didn’t know him. We had a lunch date a few days later, and it was fun. We also finally kissed, and it was great. We also had a great connection of friendship. Usually I wait for the guy to ask me out again, but I have a friend who is a well-known singer in town whom he likes to see perform. She was supposed to be doing a gig near him, and I was planning to go. I let him know very casually in case he wanted to drop by. He said he would definitely try to stop by after his soccer game, especially so he could have a slow dance with me. But then I found out I had the wrong date, and the gig was next weekend, so I let him know. He said he was disappointed that we won’t get to slow dance. I said “me too”. Then I haven’t heard from him. I know this guy is busy, goes to a lot of social events, and meets women easily. He also told me, “There’s something about you….” on our date. Is there anything I could or should do to get this guy’s attention? Or should I just move on and let it go? I have already been out to a few social events and on another date. But I kind of like this guy. I feel like I need a dating coach to navigate these early stages of dating with men. Help!
Hi Sherri. There are a lot of things you can do to deepen the quality of a dating relationship with a man who is particularly busy, but the relationship is just starting with the guy you described in your question. It’s too early for techniques designed to enhance a relationship, because at this point the two of you only share a mutual interest.
I think you are already on the right path. Date lots of men and keep your options open right now. If he felt the same spark you did, he will pursue you again. He doesn’t lack skills for pursuing women, so it’s just a matter of what vibe he got about you and whether he senses you want the same things as him.
There was something about your description of this guy that makes me wonder if he is really looking for a woman who will move fast (physically) rather than build a real relationship slowly. I’m not saying that’s necessarily true. I’m just saying you might consider that as a possible reason he has not pursued you as vigorously as you would like. Keeping your boundaries (as you rightly did) helps guys to self select or self de-select early in the dating process. That clears the way for someone who is better suited for you.
Thank you so much, James! You were right. I ending up having a few dates with this guy. I kept my boundaries intact, and though we really hit it off and were very attracted to each other on many levels, it became clear to me that he wasn’t ready to stop playing the field. So I am just moving on. Great advice from you as always.
Good for you keep those boundaries strong that way you don’t waste time and weed out people much quicker and the right person will show up.
i agree with you. I’ve done it too but I’m starting to change my ways.
Hi, James! Thank you for all of your nuggets! I’ve been studying your information with the intent of mastering it. Do you have tips on how to date a Military man? Yes he’s busy, and ambitious-one of the things that attracts me most, to my own detriment. We’ve been seeing each other just over a month-he travels just over 2 hours round trip to see me each weekend, sometimes spending the full weekend. Because of the distance, the relationship has been moving slowly, which is fine if you have the time. I thought we’d have more time, but unfortunately he has received orders and will be leaving in 3 weeks. He was surprised that I still wanted to spend time with him considering he’ll be leaving soon. We have plans to see each other this weekend. I am open to the idea of a long distance relationship, but how do I broach the subject when we’ve barely taken our relationship to the next level? I’m wild about this man and don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to use the word love as its rather early in the relationship, but my life is so much richer with him in it. How can I approach the subject without sending him running for the hills before he actually ships out? Lol
Hi Lisa. My impression is that you really don’t have much to lose. If you do not maintain some kind of contact, the relationship will slowly drift into nothing. So you might as well bring up the possibility of maintaining some kind of contact with a plan to reunite if you are both open to that when he returns from his deployment. Just my two cents.
James
My current timeslot with him is mostly Saturday from late morning until Sunday right after breakfast when he leaves for church choir. He spends the rest of Sunday with elderly mom, and plays cards with her and an aunt on Friday nights. We are retired, but he is in more clubs than I. One is square dance and we are now taking lessons for a couple of hours every Tuesday. He still has not called me his girlfriend after 6 months, but I guess I am getting the best possible right now. I am currently selling this house (at a good profit) and buying nearer to him (where I can join said clubs) for less. I will be able to customize with the price difference.
I especially like the tip of setting a micro tradition. Even I am busy so the time you know you can spend with them is all set and ready!
So true Suebee. I agree with you.
following on what suebee50 said,
i’d be reluctant about rule 3 unless he and i kept running into a situation in which our schedules didn’t naturally mesh, which would lead to us BOTH making inviolate time for the other. and i would want to see some initiative from the guy first that i’m important enough to him that he wants to ensure he gets to see me, i want him to show me it’s a priority for him. otherwise, i’d end up feeling like i’m chasing him, and i will not chase a man. and i certainly am not going to give him a method for working other dates into his schedule and let him practice on me. you know what you might get for that? a “thanks!” and a “see ya!”
I find this to be very true in dating my busy man. Cementing a time slot was the toughest obstacle, but once we nailed it down, we both made the effort to be sure that we kept that slot open. I also must comment here that my time is valuable as well and I dont bend over backward to adjust to his schedule. He needs to bring something to the table as well. All too often we women really over extend ourselves and cancel plans to be more accessible. Don’t do it. If he wants to see you, he will work on it on his end too.
What if you are now dating exclusive. Its been a year and a half.How can I push it a bit forward .I said I loved him. He said .he wasn’t sure about love yet. He did take a break and said he would not hurt me.he came back and we are dating again.?,obviously he has feelings.
Maybe it would be helpful to think about what it would look like if things moved forward. When you ask how you can “push it a bit forward,” is there something in particular you can envision? If so, I wonder if he shares that vision as a possibility for your future together. Getting clear on what you want helps to reveal actions that may take you in that direction.
James
So I know a guy who moved into the lower level of a house a friend was renting. A year later they were in a relationship. Talk about convenience for the busy professional…
James, simple ideas yet they seem as if they’d be very effective – I DO tend to fall for & date men who are very busy so I’ll give these a try! Thanks again, Suz in San Diego
James, great advice. This is the first article I have read that addresses the reality that a man can be interested and genuinely not have time. It is clear the guy I have been seeing for two months likes me and is truly busy. It is nice to read something useful and not a gimmick, a game, or a way to trick him. This is great and builds a supportive honest foundation for a relationship. Thanks!!
Hey James,
Thanks for the tips on building a great, logical foundation first!
Sincerely,
Carol