“You said that just to hurt me!”
It hurts (a lot) when someone you care for doubts your motives.
It’s one of the most upsetting things in the world. It’s a recipe for an epic fight.
When you’re upset, point out the actions that make you feel hurt. Don’t accuse your partner of intending to hurt you.
Why? Because if you’ve experienced this yourself, you know it leaves you feeling misunderstood to the point that you actually feel lonely.
“If he doesn’t know my character well enough to know I would not intentionally hurt him like that then he must not know me at all.”
So what should you do when you feel hurt?
For starters, don’t ignore it or avoid it. I’m not suggesting that you say nothing. That’s a bad call. If you’re hurt and uncomfortable, you need to communicate that. Stuffing your feelings will only lead to resentment. That’s toxic in any relationship. It will end up pushing the two of you apart in the long run.
You can and should tell him when you feel hurt. Tell him he was insensitive. Tell him he’s ignoring an emotional need you have.
Just don’t tell him he meant to hurt you. You see the distinction, right?
Letting him know he let you down is one thing. Accusing him of intentionally hurting you is something else entirely.
When you make that leap, he’ll hear it as an attack on his character. And really, it is. He will get defensive in a heartbeat, and I know that’s not what you want.
Sure, there will be times when you genuinely feel like he hurt you on purpose. But a lot of that suspicion is tied to your feelings of disappointment. And guess what? Those feelings will pass. When they do, you’ll remember that you’re with this guy because you trust each other. You don’t want to undermine that foundation of mutual trust in the heat of the moment.
The key is to focus on his actions, not his intentions.
Instead of questioning his motives, stick to the facts. Tell him that what he said or did left you feeling hurt. Even if the situation is something you’ve addressed before, steer clear of implying his actions signify a lack of concern or investment. Most likely, he really didn’t mean to hurt you.
After all, he’s human. Even the best guy in the world is going to screw up from time to time. In giving him the benefit of the doubt, you’re paving the way to resolution without a knock-down-drag-out fight.
And if you really want a solid relationship, share this tip with him. Make it a rule about how you handle conflict as a couple. Agree that both of you will always be honest about how you feel when you’re hurt, but you’ll never question each other’s good intentions.
I reconnected with my high school boyfriend (we dated for 4 yrs) and broke up over a disagreement. We are both going thru a divorce. He wants me to live with him, but says he never wants a relationship only a friendship and yet says we can sleep in the same bed and vacation together. Everything he says is “us” or “ours” but yet he will not hold my hand or kiss me. He says he loves me but because of his bad marriage he is scarred and does not want another wife to answer to. But isn’t living with someone a relationship? He talks about all the things he wants us to do together and yet puts up roadblocks and then lashes out at me for the dumbest thing and says the cruelest things to me. I find myself crying a lot because I know I am in a no win situation. I love him and it’s hard to walk away because we do have chemistry and a great connection where we enjoy the same things and can talk for hours. Should I just leave or wait it out and see if he comes around? We were supposed to get married when we were younger and he stills says he wished we did. What should I do? We are both 64 yrs old. He bought us a house and is renovating it and says he wants me to move in soon. His temper scares me. And I am afraid one day he will say GET OUT. which he says he will never do. Do I move in or just walk away?
Hi Maureen,
This sounds like a very tricky situation. We have a private forum where you can ask personal questions and get feedback from our relationship coaches. I’d like to recommend that you check it out here: private forum.
Within this private community you can ask questions and share experiences with like-minded women and our most advanced members. This way you can get extra real-time feedback and support for your unique situation.
I hope you find the right path for your future.
Wishing you love and happiness,
Tracey
Honey, I thought you were going to say you were about 20 years old. You’re old enough to know that what you see is what you’re going to get. Bad temper now ? It’s only going to get worse when he feels he’s got you in a position where you have nowhere to go. Don’t put yourself in that position at this point in your life. Let him live in the house. You get your own place. If he’s damaged goods… you don’t want him. Peace of mind is worth a million dollars.
Hi Maureen,
My advice to you is leave him. Let me get deeper into this:
I went through a similar situation last summer, the guy I was dating took me to a long trip and after a few arguments he decided that he wanted to break up with me, we still continued the trip and everything was “fine” or I thought it was, when we came back home (I was living with him) he said he wasn’t sure if he was ready to jump back into the relationship and he asked me to give him a week to think about it. After 2 weeks of not talking about the situation I asked him again and again he said he wasn’t sure. So I realized I couldn’t force him into anything and decided to move on and moved out. I took ALL my stuff, he wanted me to leave some stuff behind so he could keep it until I found another place, he wanted me to stay in a hotel nearby and he wanted me to keep the keys to the house AKA keep me close and on hold until he made up his mind, I said NO to everything, thanked him for his kindness, told him “take care” and left. I stopped calling or texting him and the last image he saw of me leaving was imprinted in his mind, not only because I looked great (on purpose of course) but because I showed courage, I was cool (no arguments or reproaches) and I acted like a real lady with very high self esteem and not willing to let him play me, manipulate me or humiliate me. I DIDN’T LET HIM SEE ME CRYING! Two hours later he was texting me. A week later he asked me to get back together and move back in with him. Long story short, we got married 2 weeks ago. Good luck and I hope things work out well for you.
Maureen, I feel for you and it is tricky. But you want him to know your a high value woman and won’t take scraps. Maybe tell him you care for and respect him a great deal and you understand that he’s scarred. However you don’t like comparisons because you feel they serve you no purpose since you are your own person. And your willing to not rush him for something he’s not ready for. Therefore you should move slower and date until he’s ready for the next step. Sounds a little like he’s codependent and wants the company but doesn’t want to put in the effort you deserve to give you what you need right now. It’s an excuse for not buying the cow when you get the milk for free scenario. Don’t do that because in the end he may decide he just wanted company and not be emotionally as invested as you want to be or are currently. He needs to be on his own and work this out for himself. So he’s sure your the one. And same for you. Rebound relationships are tough and sounds like your both headed that direction. If it’s meant to be then with time and good connection it’ll naturally progress.
Hi James
I completely agree with you. However in my case the shoe is on the other foot. My partner constantly misunderstands me and accuses me of talking down to him and intentionally hurting him. I can tell you unequivocally that is not the case. He doesn’t seem to be able to cope if my opinion different to his and I always express that in a calm and considered way. I’m at my wits end and I feel I need to walk on egg shells around him at times and I can’t be me. I have tried to communicate how this makes me feel and that my intention is not to hurt, but that I simply do not feel the same way about a certain issue. He then shuts down and it takes me hours to bring him about again. Would love to hear your thoughts.
Mary
Hi Mary. It sounds like your man is prone to “flooding,” which is an interesting phenomenon. It’s something researchers have seen primarily in men. Basically, during arguments, men experience elevated heart rate and a sensation of emotional overwhelm that leads to anger or withdrawal.
It’s not what you would expect given the tough exterior we guys often show. When we feel emotionally overwhelmed, we don’t cry. We flee (what relationship therapists call “stonewalling.”
Ironically, this means a man of that type needs even more sensitivity and an even more gentle approach. It also means he’s likely to benefit from relationship counseling where the counselor helps him to verbalize his feelings instead of shutting down. He would also benefit from reading a book or two about communication between couples.
If you haven’t gone through my course on communication, that’s a great place to start. Just email my support team if you’d like to purchase a copy: [email protected].
Wishing you courage and compassion,
James
Hi James, I’m seeing a guy for a couple months now but he’s told me he still loves his ex wife and texts her how much he still misses her. Plus he goes online and meets other women. How do I get him to pay attention just to me. It hurts knowing I’m not his first priority.
Hi Heather,
We have some great reports on this topic and I want to recommend two of them to you. They are: Handling Competition Like a Queen and The 4 Questions To Get Commitment.
Hopefully, these reports can give you some guidance on where to go from here.
Wishing you the best,
Tracey
Hi James I am going to remain annonymous because I am a man. I love my woman with all of my heart. But I am fighting a losing battle because of her past relationships. What I mean is that she looks for all of the mistakes that she experienced from all of her past relationships with me. This puts me in a position that no man or woman wants to be in. I find myself in arguments that dosent even pertain to me or what we’re going through,but what she’s been through with someone else. I love her and she knows it but she’s never wrong and she’s not one to ever make mistakes. Everyone else is always at fault even when she is so obviously in the wrong. Tonight for example she accused me of taking something of hers that really belonged to me. She had hers all the time in her hand and she claimed that mines was actually the other one that she had knowing she was lying. What am I to do?
It sounds like a frustrating experience. It often helps to start by breaking down a really big, difficult goal into the much smaller, micr-goals.
For example, one micro-goal might be just to get her to agree that the two of you could enjoy each other and the relationship a lot more. In other words, agree that there’s room for improvement.
The next tiny goal might be to have just one single conversation that ends in agreement regarding just one thing you both want to work on to make the other person’s life happier.
It keeps going like that until one day you look back and realize you have built a relationship with a foundation that can handle the more difficult topics that used to elicit defensiveness.
Thank you for all your help James:) i think alot of us have grown up to think that expressing our true feelings just makes us look pathetic. So we hide our feelings and attack the other persons intentions instead. Which is disastrous.
I really love your aricles. I learn more everytime!
Wiw, this just happened to me a week ago, where my intentions were questioned about one word I said, and he was so hurt.
I felt i had to be respinsible, apologized, because he was so hurt, and I knew I did not do that intentionally, but wow…. we finally got throught ,thankfully.but it was hurtful, that he would even think that of me.
Thanks for this article
Hi James,
I too am in the process of starting over with my ex-husband. I looked at more than a couple of online programs and didn’t feel like any of them were right for me until I found yours. It has really helped me to see things differently. My question is, my ex sometimes DID say things just to hurt me, and I know he didn’t really mean it, was just lashing out in anger. So far it hasn’t happened this time around (8 weeks in) but what if he does it again? How should I approach it if I know it IS intentional?
Thank so much for everything!
Hi Lisa. You might like our new forum where we can discuss situations like this in more depth (over time).
You said your ex sometimes tried to hurt you with negative comments in a moment of anger. And you said you know he didn’t mean it. But the fact that you are bringing this up now (many weeks later) tells me this is something that really hurts you. So you should not ignore it. Or else it might destroy a relationship that is otherwise good.
What if you ask him to talk strategy with you now (when he’s not angry). Do you think he could admit to the problem and openly discuss potential solutions?
James
We have been divorced for a year and it always did hurt me when it happened back then, even though I was aware of previous bad relationships that he had, and I knew the reason why he was lashing out the way he was. When I tried to tell him that he hurt me, he would just admit he didn’t mean it and try to ignore it.I would like to discuss strategy with him but I’m not sure what the strategy would be because he tends to get defensive just like you said.
Hello James,
So I am trying to get back with my ex but he only seems to want me to help with his computer or have sex. He only reaches out for those things. I told him it was hurtful after I asked him to meet me for coffee and he said he wasn’t too much on that. I think he was mad about me not having sex with him. He said it was just a schedule thing and then did meet me for coffee a few days later and said he didn’t care about computer or sex. But when we were thru having coffee he asked me if I wanted to come over which I did but told him I was not comfortable having sex with him once I got there. Then he asked me to come over again to help with his computer. I responded that he could have me as his dedicated loyal tech support if he could afford me but we could discuss it if he was interested. He replied “discuss”. The conversation started playful and he even said I guess you are worth it after I told him that I wanted more – to be able to talk to him and see him. But then he started asking how much talking and started getting defensive. It did not end well with me saying that he could not do what he was uncomfortable doing and I couldn’t either. He seemed to change after I expressed my feelings regarding having sex. He said I was wanting a commitment or promise and in a round about way explained he couldn’t do that. I said I would consider what he said but the tone of the call had changed. So that is how it ended. So should I respond back that his actions are hurtful again or just leave it at this? Did I push too much? I thought about responding back (it’s been almost a week) that it got too serious and that I just want to keep things light but that I will not (restating) help him or have sex.
Thanks so much.
Hi Rhonda. It seems his actions have made it fairly clear that he would like the benefits you provide but not a true relationship. For that reason, I advise you to find someone who is excited by the very idea of spending time with you.
If you do decide to pursue things with your ex, realize it requires a certain degree of “starting over” in terms of the mentality you bring to the relationship. He has to see it as a courtship beginning almost from scratch, which does not begin with sex.
Hello James,
Thanks for you response. I believe you are right. I know saying it and doing it are very different. I don’t understand how he can say this isn’t how he is when it is exactly how he is. I kinda think he can’t even admit it in his own mind. It’s hard for someone to hide though when you tell them what actions hurt you. I’m glad I did point it out and revealed his true intentions. Thanks so much for the help.
Hi Rhonda,
If you want to get back your ex, the worst thing you can do is what he wants you to do. Don’t give him the gift of your company if he doesn’t appreciate it. He wants to keep you close but far, if that makes any sense. Let him miss you, let him experience his life without you in it. Don’t call him, don’t text him back, let him understand you’re not gonna be in his life unless it’s under your own terms.
And do this with actions, not words, men respond better to actions when they know you’re being serious. Once he calls you or says he wants to talk to you (believe me, he will after a few weeks of not knowing anything about you), then you reply, not before! do not answer memes or any text asking how you are or saying that he misses you unless he takes active actions into getting back together
There’s nothing worse than questioning – and being questioned in return – on your intentions. It hurt so much and it undermines the trust and respect in the relationship.
I’ve started to learn to not be so openly doubtful about my boyfriend’s intentions but sometimes it’s really hard.
I’ve been a child in a family with heavy alcohol abuse and later in a very heavy relationship where the other part abused me sexually – and so it can be very hard not to question your partners intentions when the hurt flares up because of these experiences. But I’m trying and every day and for every fight I take a small step toward more trust in my partner. As a result our relationship has become better and stronger because of it.
This is serious business, James and I’m sure a lot of couples can use this. Keep up the great work and your inspiring articles 🙂
James, I often take your advice and it has made a difference in my latest relationship. Thanks for the better approach to conflict. opening the lines of communication does lead to an open, peaceful conversation. Thanks again.
You’re welcome, Bernadette. It’s encouraging to know my work has made a difference for you.
James
This is very good and helpful.