It’s a painful experience to be deeply connected with a man, only to find him pulling away and losing interest.
Have you ever been with a man who seemed to really like you, only to begin distancing himself and saying he really wasn’t ready for a commitment?
Why is it that he ends up marrying the next woman he dates? Was he lying when he said he wasn’t ready for a commitment?
The answer comes down to deep emotional attraction.
In all likelihood, he was not lying when he said he wasn’t ready for a commitment. In fact, unlike women, a man’s default mode is that he is not ready for (or even looking for) a commitment.
It takes a special kind of deep emotional attraction for a man to feel compelled to keep a woman in his life with a shared promise of committed intentions for the future.
What creates that intense emotional bond for men?
I can tell you one thing for certain. Men experience relationships for what they are here and now, in the present moment.This is a stereotype, but because there is so much truth in it you would be foolish to ignore its implications for your relationship.
Research with men and women in the early stages of dating relationships has shown that women typically consider themselves to be “in a relationship” by the time the third date rolls around.
In contrast, men do not consider themselves to be “in a relationship” until several months of exclusive dating have occurred.
Even when he’s exclusively dating one woman, a man will be surprised when his counterpart suggests the relationship is exclusive. Why is that?
Again, it comes back to the fact that men tend to spend less time plotting and planning the course of their lives in terms of relationships. Men do not define their lives (as much) by where things seem to be going in a relationship.
For your man to reach a point where he desires a committed relationship, something very significant must occur first.
He must experience an intense emotional attraction that causes him to feel less alive when he is not in your presence.
If you would like to learn a method for triggering this special kind of intense attraction, watch the presentation I’ve prepared for you on What Men Secretly Want below.
Learn the #1 Hidden Reason Men Fall In Love (He’ll Thank You For This)
I met this guy online a couple months ago, initially everything was amazing (as it usually is) we have a lot in common, we have kids around the same age, we similar goals, we fit like a glove. Couple weeks ago he told me he couldn’t see me anymore because his kids weren’t ready for him to be in a relationship and he told me his parents were upset that he was dating someone and he just had to much on his plate to be in a relationship. Keep in mind I’ve never met any of them. So when told me that I was heart broken, well a week went by, and we didn’t talk hardly at all, until Mothers day, and everything seemingly had changed and he was missing me, he didn’t want me see anyone else, he wanted to be able to call me and text me, and of course he was missing the sex. Well everything has been great for over a week and now of course I ask him if he’s feeling ok with our current situation, and is it getting to be to much for him? His response was I’m ok and no not yet.
I’m starting to feel like this is just about sex, not a relationship. I need your expert opinion.
Hey Amanda. I can understand why his actions have been confusing.
On the other hand, I can picture myself being inconsistent and confusing in the same way. Here’s how it goes for me…
I hang out with someone I like and respect, and I begin to show a certain side of myself that they draw out in me. It’s natural. It’s 100% me, and I’m not faking anything. Then, I head to my parents house and discuss plans for Mother’s Day with my dad, talking about joining in for a family meal on a Sunday afternoon. Spending time with my dad brings out the part of me that wants to impress him and reflect the ideals I know he believes in. If my other friend was there they would see a different side of me that didn’t seem to be the same person they had gotten to know, trust, and respect.
Relationships get stronger as we learn to understand the different facets of a person’s personality. We stop being surprised and start understand that the real person is a combination of many different ways of being, states of mind, and philosophies for life that blend together and show themselves in different ways at different times. That’s why it’s so important to take things slow before committing fully to any person even if we fall deeply in love with them very quickly.
So it may help to use this as perspective. This is not my expert opinion but rather a reflection on how humans are. I hope it’s helpful to you as you consider your options and choose a path that keeps as many options open as possible while still pursuing (with determination and ferocity) the things your heart truly desires.
Hi…I met a guy online and we’ve been face timing for weeks since lockdown. After a few messages and chats online he asked me to become exclusive and said he loved me… sent me flowers etc. Now, suddenly, he stopped face timing and calling and said he’s too busy and preoccupied for a relationship. I’m devastated as don’t understand what went wrong
Thanks so much James! I appreciate your view and insight.
I’m a married woman in my early 60’s and my husband just hasn’t been giving me any attention for over 2 years and I cannot stand it any longer. I’m a woman with so much love to give and I need someone who wants true love. I haven’t and don’t want to run around on this man but it’s getting to the point where I cannot stand it any longer. He has cheated on me and I put him out but because I loved him I took him back. And then he won’t admit it but I know in my heart he has cheated a couple of more times and I know if he leaves again it’s over. Because I believe that I’m living in hell not only without sex but no communication either. We can talk about anything else but our marriage. I’m am an open minded person and say whatever is on my mind.
Cheating is even biblical reason for divorce, when you take them back you say I ll except that. If sincerity sorry, Counceling and separation, to have them earn there way back ….. one time …. if you choose that? As much as you feel you love them , see they don’t care that they hurt you. See your value, boundaries, read books , see your not alone …. but rewarding bad behavior begets more bad bad behavior and more heart ache for you! So hard !!! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
How do I fix my marriage? My husband left me. We have been married 32yrs and he says our marriage is dead. I want to stay together but he has since moved on and moved out. What can I do to rekindle the marriage?
Hi Laura,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I know it must be very difficult. I feel like you’d benefit from back and forth consultation with the relationship coaches in our private forum. This way they can get to know your unique situation and give you the best advice. If you’re interested in accessing the forum, you would need to sign up for the Irresistible Insiders Club.
Warm wishes,
Tracey T.
Let him go! Look in the mirror and say, “I am best he ever had” the other woman is getting left over bones. Exercise, work on yourself, dress up and de-clutter negative thoughts… watch him come back. 🙂
💙
I’d not wait to watch him come back. All self improvement should ALWAYS be for YOU, not to impress someone or to get someone back.
My recent history has shown me that once ur “over him” even if it’s just a front he will want u back . Or as soon as he sees other me.n/woman want u he may change ur mind . My divorce almost killed me literally so if u need someone to talk to please !
Laura
This man told you that your marriage is dead. But, guess what? YOU, are very much alive! Forget the pity party! Go get your hair done. Get your nails done and get a pedicure. You’ll feel marvelous! Buy a new outfit if needed, do your makeup and get your gal pals together for a night on the town!
YOU are fabulous. Don’t let one man make you feel anything less than incredible! You don’t need a man to make you feel complete. Get out there and have fun!
This is your chance to take charge of your life. You can join groups and travel. Do the things that you want to do. You don’t need him. Do things that make you happy.
I have been dating and living with my man over a year he has trust issues with women. I told him the other day I loved him he told me to stop saying it, he doesn’t feel that way about me. He said people throw the word ‘love’ out there too much. We have been through a lot together. I need some person advice. I think he is still hung up on this other girl.
Hi Theresa,
Thanks so much for your comment! Your situation sounds complicated and I feel like you’d greatly benefit from being a part of our community and some back and forth consultation. I recommend that you bring it up in our private forum where we have actual relationship coaches on staff to answer questions and give advice. To access this forum, you would need to sign up for the Irresistible Insiders Club.
Within this private community, you can also ask questions and share experiences with like-minded women and our most advanced members. This way you can get extra real-time feedback and support for your unique situation.
Warm wishes,
Tracey T.
Hi Theresa
It’s time for you to make a bold move. If I were you I’d leave him a note on the table:
Dear ______
I woke up this morning and realized I’m worth quite a bit. You apparently don’t feel the same way. I didn’t come into this relationship to pay for another woman’s mistakes.
I’ve decided to move on with my life so I can find a real relationship filled with love.
I wish you all the happiness that I wish for myself and I hope you choose wisely next time, I know that I will.
Fondly,
Theresa
I think the above will wake him up to his mistreatment of you and if he realizes that he does love you he will come crawling back. If he doesn’t care, then at least YOU WALKED OUT LIKE A BOSS!
Hi I’m in a long term relationship with my partner of 14 years. He has a high sex drive. I am going through the menopause and don’t know what to do. I love him with all my heart. At present I feel fat and ugly. I feel like I’m trapped in a bubble and don’t know how to get out of it. He is upset because we hardly have sex. We are due to get married this year but he is now ready to call the whole thing off. What can I do? Please help.
Theresa, you may benefit from a consultation with a sex therapist. A good candidate will be a licensed mental health professional with years of experience in this specific sub-specialty. They can help you with things like body-image issues, finding a balance between mismatched libido levels, and sometimes even breakthroughs in your own ability to transform your relationship in healthy ways by addressing this important topic head-on.
Wishing you love and courage,
James
Rule number one in dating … women never tell men “I love you” first … it scares the shit Out of them.
He has past unresolved issues – he might be walking with a wall to express his feelings … slow down, he is not ready – has he talked to you about his past experiences? I hate to tell you… it’s deeper childhood unmet need
Enjoy every moment with him ..guard your heart … let your actions and consistency build trust.
Would you please share with me a few questions I can ask my husband to turn our relationship around?
Hi Betty,
It can be tough to break through old habits and patterns to turn around a relationship but with patience and persistence, I believe it can be done. I found a few articles by James with key questions that might be what you’re looking for. Some are about creating connections when in the dating phase but I think they can relate to any phase of relationships. Here they are:
Questions to Ask a Guy: The Rapid Intimacy Tool
5 Questions that Create Connection
Three Questions to Get Him Talking
If these aren’t what you’re looking for you can also try searching through James’s library of relationship reports to see if there is one that might better fit for your needs.
Irresistible Insights Reports Library
Wishing you all the best in the new year,
Tracey
I’ve been married 39 yrs , my husband had been having Ed problems for the past 7 yrs . It seems not even Viagra is helping anymore.
I’m begging to think it’s me. 3 times a year just isn’t doing it. I’ve been patient as I can be I’m trying to talk to him about it and trying to get him to go to the doctors and asked for help but he won’t do it.
He just just diagnosed with prostate cancer but supposedly in a very early stage and won’t do anything about it claims this might have something to do with his problem but again has no interest in trying to talk to the doctor to try to fix the problem.
We tried the other night and I can just see he’s not into it , or not into me. I’m starting to feel like there must be some one else .
This is killing me . I’m in great shape , I look great , but the connection must not be there .
I have alway notice he’s out his parents, and our kids , and his business ahead of me,
I go to Florida during the winter every month for 10 per month because of my lupus and fibromyalgia.
Now I’m worried and don’t want to go . It’s like he can’t wait to get rid of me.
I still work full time ( own my own salon and spa )
He was coming down the last 5 days I’m there and now keeps making remarks about “oh maybe you don’t want me there “?? Never said that it’s like he’s making excuses not to go ??
I’m worried, I’ve asked for a divorce, but he says no , I think he’s to embarrassed with his parents. And don’t want to split e every thing so it’s easier to stay married.
I’m getting worried ?
Am I Paranoid is it just me or should I be worried please help
Hey Teresa.
I’m looking at your comment here and trying to get to the root of the problem. And while it would be easy to focus on the ED issue or lack of libido as the issue, I’m not sure that’s really it.
Because if I go one layer deeper, it seems the real issue is that he sees no problem that needs to be fixed. Nothing that requires his energy or an intervention. Whereas you see this as a potentially life altering issue that must be addressed.
So I find myself wondering if there is any possibility that he has missed the extent of your distress over this issue. Sometimes in our attempts to be sensitive and encouraging we can create the illusion that we are fine with a situation when really we are not.
I don’t know if that applies in your case, but it may be the root of the issue is determining whether his wants and your wants currently align. When you both want the same things, then it’s easier to agree on what’s blocking those desires, so that you can then work as a team to overcome the blocks and design solutions.
Do you both still want to stay together and love each other the best you can? If so, then your concerns should also be his concerns even if he does not believe there’s any medical intervention that could “fix” his low libido.
Want to know about long distance relationship is it working or not
Hi Nola,
Thanks so much for your comment! James has written a report all about long distance relationships. It’s called Long Distance Relationship Success.
If you’re looking for more of a back and forth conversation with one of our relationships coaches why not try out our Irresistible Insiders Club? Club members get access to all of our Irresistible Insider reports, including the one I already mentioned on Long Distance relationships and you get access to the Forum where we have actual relationship coaches on staff to answer questions and give advice.
Within this private community you can also ask questions and share experiences with like-minded women and our most advanced members. This way you can get extra real-time feedback and support for your unique situation.
Warm wishes,
Tracey T.
I have been seeing him for 2 years and very much in love or so I thought but 6 months ago he traveled to his country and secretly got Married. On coming back things changed and bit and then I found out what happened, he denied at first but later owned up but says that he still wants and loves me .
He said that we’re together in a different country and that she’s far in another and that he still loves me so much like nothing happened.
Whenever I want to talk about the issue he shuts down, he starts the blame game . He just don’t want to talk about it.
I am heart broken, I still love him so much but each time I think how I was in the dark I grew distant and confused. He loves my kids and I love his too from a different woman.
Should I stay?
I am a wreck now 😩
His so different now , both loving , distant, just everything in one.
Please help
Hello, Onyi. I can only imagine how painful this must be for you right now. In some ways, it’s worse than if he just left you and you had no choice but to move on. Having the option to continue with a relationship that feels real but lacks social commitment is ALMOST good enough for you to tolerate. That says a lot about the positive connection you have shared with him.
Your culture may be different than mine. In my culture, getting married to someone is about love and commitment. Perhaps to him it is just some sort of legal and social obligation that does not reflect what he truly desires. But if I am wrong about that, and marriage in your culture reflects a mutual desire for exclusivity and a special life-long bond, then you should consider what that means about the way he sees his relationship with you. To me, it seems that would indicate he views his relationship with you as something enjoyable to do when it is convenient, but not something he is committed to building for a shared future with you.
Unless that is what you want, it seems clear that his relationship desired to not align with yours. In such cases, most people find it better to move on quickly rather than hoping for a change. The right partner who wants the same things as you is actively looking for you.
I was in a relationship for 14 years. Around the the 11th year he developed ED. I begged him to a Dr, but he was embarrassed. He finally went after 2 years. We got back together and I thought everything was fine. We live about 2 1/2 hours away. I could tell that when I went out of town for my birthday to spend time with a friend who had moved to another state he wasn’t very happy about it, but bought the plane ticket before we got back together. I went over there twice after my birthday and he quit contacting me. I then found out he was on a dating site and told a mutual friend that he had a girlfriend. He would still text me and has said that I was the total package, and he thinks he might have made a mistake. Any help you could give me I would relish.
I’ve been dating /living with a guy for almost 2 years. He worked out of town 5 days a week. We had the best loving carefree relationship until 2 months ago. We could do absolutely nothing and still enjoy being around each other. Every thing he warned me about, told me to watch for them to start worrying. Well everything he warned me about, he started doing. So I started questioning. Which pushed him future away. Well exactly 1 month ago, he ask me to give him some time, to sort it out. The problem wasn’t me. IT was him. Well a week later he admitted to talking to a girl. Whom has a husband. So she can’t really be of interest technically. I’m just wondering how to rekindle my relationship and get things back to what they were. He admitted he hadn’t had sex with anyone but me since we’ve been together. He’s not working out of town anymore. I just want the love we had back. I know he loves me. As I deeply love him more than my children’s dad. My heart is crushing. I’ve got to fix this.