“It’s not you. It’s me.”
“I’m worried I’m going to hurt you.”
“You deserve someone better than me.”
“I can’t give you what you need.”
If you’ve been on the receiving end of those excuses, you know just how frustrating they are.
Doesn’t he get it?
You WANT to be with him.
You know he’s not perfect. You know he can’t give you the world. And you don’t care!
Love is accepting people for who they are.
You can’t help but think there’s something you can say to him…
Some way to make him understand…
You’ve got a really good thing going here. Can’t he see that?
When clients come to me, heartbroken over a man who leaves them as often as he stays, I always wish I could fix it for them.
The first thing I tell them is the good news.
The good news is that he’s clearly getting pleasure out of spending time with you.
If he wasn’t getting any pleasure, he wouldn’t be coming back.
So he does experience the good bits of your relationship.
There’s only one problem:
He’s not willing to stick around for the rest.
Why He Won’t Stick
This is a common pattern for a lot of guys.
They want the fun, but they don’t want the work.
They want to have a good time, but they don’t want to put in the effort to build the foundation of a life together.
A guy who just comes around for the good stuff—and doesn’t stick around for the boring or hard stuff—is a guy who’s just not quite there yet.
Pay less attention to his words than his behavior.
He’s showing you who he is.
He’s someone who’s going to check out any time it gets tough, or he feels trapped, or he starts having doubts, or he feels like being single again.
There’s only one thing that can make him stick when he’s used to running away.
And I’ll tell you what it is in just a moment.
The Dating Rule of Thumb
What’s so painful about this is that you’re ready for a real relationship.
You’re ready to do the work.
You’re not going to run when it gets tough. You’re not going to run if you see a better option elsewhere.
You enjoy being there for him in bad times as well as good times.
It’s what people in love do for each other!
That’s what makes you amazing, but…
There’s a time and a place for that level of commitment.
And this may not be it.
When you’re dating someone, and you’re not in a committed relationship yet, I recommend using a simple rule of thumb:
Don’t give a man more than he’s giving you.
Match his level of effort.
If he isn’t thinking of you constantly and sending you little texts just to say he cares, don’t do that for him.
If he’s still seeing other women, then don’t date him exclusively. Keep your online dating profile active.
Let him be the one to escalate your level of commitment.
And if it’s clear that he’s happy with where things are at…
He doesn’t want to see you more, or define the relationship, or commit to being exclusive…
Then you have a choice to make.
Either you accept that this is just fun and games…
Or you take a stand for your values.
The time you spend with this man is sucking up the time you could spend finding a man who wants the same things you do.
The One Thing that Will Make Him Stick
There’s only one thing that will make a man stick when he’s used to checking out.
And that is:
The fear of losing you.
If he knows he will lose you forever if he keeps walking out on you, then he’s got a choice to make.
Either he puts both feet into this relationship…
Or he loses this good thing you’ve both got going.
Now, I didn’t want to tell you this until now, because I don’t want you to get the wrong idea.
Don’t go marching up to him and lay out an ultimatum. 😉
Ultimatums trigger a man’s dislike of being told what to do.
But a lot of guys don’t see any downside in seeing a woman occasionally and never committing to her.
They get used to being embraced with welcoming arms every time they show up.
If you’re there for him every time he comes back, then he has no motivation to change.
The best way to show him that he could lose you is to keep dating.
Keep looking for Mr. Right. Enjoy time spent with amazing guys. Even if your heart isn’t in it, choose an online dating site and put in a bit of time there.
Do it for two reasons:
- He now knows he could lose you, because he doesn’t have 100% of your attention anymore.
- You might very well meet someone awesome and amazing who wants the same things you do.
Either way, you’re no longer spending all your free time thinking about him.
And that can help your heart feel a little more whole.
act the same way toward him that he acts toward you. What have you got to lose? Sorry to say, but you don”t have him except in your imagination. Don’t waste your time on him. he certainly is not wasting his time on you…You deserve someone who wants and values you for who you are. Keep looking. Dump him and see how he acts…don’t take him back…he isn’t worth it. Have some self respect. In the long run you will feel better about yourself. You are worthy…You deserve love by the right person…Keep looking…He is out there…
Without an ultimatum can I tell him this ?
I have a confession to make! I know you just want to be friends. I have developed very serious feelings for you Things are starting to get a little too intense.
being with you makes me feel really good and we have fun together. I have been feeling weird about this whole thing. can we please take a break.
No, You Don’t need a man’s permission to leave when he’s been doing this to you. Just walk away and move on. You’ll feel better knowing you haven’t wasted time on someone that’s complicated and can’t commit, when this is what your looking for.
In my day, this was called keeping your options open, otherwise, not letting him take you for granted. Some who didn’t like this strategy called it playing games. It is not. It is showing him what it feels like not to have you, what that empty space feels like. Dark. Cold.